Pleasant Times

Hello everyone. It's been a little while. I didn't have a training cession this week but am continuing the process of fine-tuning my new computer and speakers. I've been fiddling with some of the audio enhancements built into Windows7. It turns out that these speakers are not quite as suited to gaming as I had hoped although I still have hope that the newer games will perform better with them. I can play older games with headphones or even with the built-in speakers in the Mac itself. I have yet to dig into the Mac ap store and obtain any games for that side of things presuming there are ones I'd find interesting other than interactive fiction. When I'm a tad more confident with Voiceover and the Apple OS, we'll certainly find out about that. As things stand now, I'm growing very comfortable with Windows7. It's great to have things moving so quickly and easily. I've had to get used to a couple of key changes. For now, I'm doing email right from the gmail website rather than through a client. It's a tad more cumbersome but I can make certain that important messages get archived. As long as I keep up with things, it ought to be manageable for now. Eventually, when I'm more comfortable in the Mac OS, I'll doubtless use the Apple Mail program. I took it for a spin and very much like what I experienced. It just seems a bit silly to go into another operating system merely to do email. Once I get my music and stuff moved properly into Itunes, have Twitter and Skype running, and have figured out what word processing tool I prefer, it may not seem so strange to spend a day in a place with no Windows. Moving my music has been only a partial success so far. It looks like the easiest way to do what I want is to have two libraries in Itunes. One would have my pop songs and the other would be for my more instrumental stuff I use for writing and relaxation. I tried importing everything into one library mistakenly thinking it would be easy to sort out into playlists. Won't make that mistake again. On the Winamp side, I've had to get used to not having global hotkeys to do things like pause or move to the next or prior track. I may try coppying my configuration file from my netbook and see how that works. Otherwise, I'd have to disable a whole bunch of the hotkeys which conflict with Windows7 shortcuts. It hasn't all been smooth sailing. I'm still in awe of my scanner's speed though. It makes my older one look like a damned turtle in comparison. Going through a pile of junk mail can hardly be called a chore any longer. The laser printer is also very fast as my father and I found out today.

Things have also been going well at The Dam. A couple of the kids took an interest in me this week and I had some good initial conversations with them. There was also a meeting where I got to meet some more of the people who work and volunteer at The Dam. It's certainly an interesting way to pass an evening and I look forward to more of these going forward. Frankly, I very much doubt I'll come away from my volunteer term there with the kind of life-long friends other people have found through their efforts. Everyone's rapped up in their own busy lives. I doubt I'll run into any of them other than the couple who go to my church in any other context than while we're there for the youth or for meetings. Still, I believe I'm starting to reach some of the kids there. Even if I only make a meaningful difference for one, it's all worth it. I'm backed up by people who really know their stuff and I'll keep on absorbing as much knowledge from them as I can. At first glance, this sort of work doesn't show me to best advantage. I find it hard to know when I'd be welcome in conversation and when I'm merely getting in the way. Also, I can't engage in the games much where a lot of connections are made. Still, there are moments when curiocity and exhaustion give occasion for pause. They'll take a moment to get their breath or plunk down on a chair or couch to rest a while. That's when I can act meaningfully in their interest. I just have to keep ready and patient.

I feel renewed in a fundamental way these days. There's a lot to learn and explore. It also helps that the weather is slowly improving to suit the season we're now officially in. It won't be long before I start walking to the Dam and back. We'll finally see how much all the lessons, gps landmarks and practice over the past year pay off for me. There's also the rest of the training on my computer. It makes such a big difference to have movement in a few different directions in life. Last weekend, I was visited by Mark and Wendy. We went out to South Street Burgers for dinner and they also stopped in for a visit in the apartment for a while. I actually spent Earth Hour in conversation with people who were around my age and physically present. Finally, I have real reason to hope that it's the start of another trend which continues. Special days lose so much of their meaning and impact if they aren't shared with others. The next day, there was Soup Sunday at church followed by a visit to mom and dad's house to see Allison and my three little nieces. Dan had to work this time.

When you have this much going on in life, that painful sense of disconnection really fades away. Getting to this point has been a long slow cumulative journey. There's a growing sense that my hope for better things to come isn't just a desperate attempt to keep my head above water by denying reality. There really are possibilities. Being cheerful and sharing that good cheer has become much easier lately. Best of all, I don't have that sense that it all might evaporate on me. While I very much hope to find my special lady, I've reached a point where I can cheerfully wait and, for the most part, enjoy life as it is. It's a very good psychological place to find oneself.

A major accessibility conference just happened and I haven't even kept proper track of what went on there. In earlier years, I would have listenned to every single podcast which resulted from CSUN and other such conferences just to pass the damned endless time. Having more to engage with has also given me the perspective necessary to turn down a chance to become a governing elder at my church. I'm honoured that they recommended me but I just haven't been a member long enough to do the job justice. I need to know a lot more about how things work and how decisions effect the church before I put myself in a position to shape that process in such a substantial way. Perhaps, after another two or three years attending, I'll feel like I've gained enough perspective to do a good job of it. I'm simply too new a community member at this point. Also, my relationship with the church is too important to me to put short-term gain in front of the larger long-term picture. In all likelyhood, I'll be here for quite a long while. Over the shorter term, I hope to have more experiences with various aspects of the church. I may look into going on a short mission trip and get at least a modest look into that aspect of things. Also, if there's a need for more involvement in other areas like the classes on the Belhar confession, I'll be ready and willing to attend and do what I might.

It's just coming up to eleven PM here. Today has been a very good one. I listenned to some nifty podcasts. One of which was an episode of Ideas about what it's like to go into space. Grab that episode while you can. Dave Williams and his fellow astronaughts do a splendid job of sharing their experiences. A couple of recent episodes of Age of Pursuasion were also terrific. One looked at key women in marketting history. The other looked at people who took risks and thereby acomplished noteable success. Both episodes were fascinating as that show tends to almost always be. I spent a short while out on my balcony just taking in the soundscape as I stood at the railing. Haven't done that in quite a spell. Earlier, before I went out to lunch and drinks with dad, I had a bit of a scare with Rogers billing. I accidentally hadn't paid a good chunk of last month's bill. I hadn't realised that there were two separate acounts online for my iPHONE and for my internet plus cable TV. I had just paid the phone portion figuring I'd eventually see the rest of the balance owed pop up in that same acount. It never did and I never checked the acount selection part of the page. I know better now and can keep things more on the even keel I prefer my expenses to be. Automating payment isn't all that smart in my position since there could be times when it might very much matter when I pay such a big part of my expenses from my balance. Gotta make certain that the funds are actually there. Nice to have everything paid up again. Economics are getting somewhat tighter but are still quite manageable with proper discipline and patience. I very much enjoyed hearing Star Trek First Contact earlier this evening. That was one of the two best Star Trek films. It sounded splendid through my new speakers. So much depth of story, character development and ultimate hope for a better future packed in that one. Goodness! Winamp seems to be sending me a message. Of all songs, it picked Michael Gettel - The Storyteller Sleeps. Go figure. As I'm starting to lose focus, that strikes me as a good idea. Until next we meet, dear Reader, pleasant times.

My New Digital Home

Hello everyone. I've been a little busy and insomnia prone the last while. This is my first blog entry from my new digital home, an apple iMAC computer. So far, I've been sticking with the Windows7 side of things and loved it. I expected a far steeper learning curve but so far, things have proved very intuitive. I've Essentially moved everything I want handy from my 400 gb external drive. Not everything's actually installed yet but it's all on the hard drive. The amount of space I have is fantastic. Each partitian has five hundred gb. There are certainly some differences regarding Windows7 but it's not the totally different beast I thought it might be. I also very much like the latest version of Jaws. Nice to have that all up to date again. I can at last get back into playing Nethack among other things. It ought to make a good way to get familiar with my Braille display. I was quite pleasantly surprised by how portable that thing is. It comes in its own carrying case and won't present any difficulties taking it where I need it along with my netbook or iPHONE. /

My new Bowse Companion5 speakers are terrific as well. It's not precisely like full 5.1 sound but it's probably the best one can get without actual speakers on the rear wall. Very impressive with mobies. I haven't installed any audio games yet other than Super Egg Hunt but it ought to be terrific for things like Super Deakout, Q9 or Alien Outback. There's still some fine-tuning with the woofer to get to. I've been experimenting with some of the audio enhancements offered through Windows7 but nothing's really sounded better than the speakers on their own.

I went to have dinner with the family yesterday afternoon and evening. Ava and Amia were in very high spirits and little Leah was very curious wanting to look at everything. Mom and dad are doing fine. Dinner was a delicious stew with home-made biscuits plus a torte for dessert. Earlier in the day, dad helped me get all my various computer dvds and stuff labelled and organised. There isn't nearly as much bloatware as I expected there might be.

Pretty son now, it'll be off to church again. Insomnia has an odd way of stretching time out on me. Yesterday feeels like ages ago. Adding to that impression, there's the amount of progress I've made getting things set on this new computer. Didn't think I'd be nearly so far along after a couple of days. It looks like I'll be using my training time mostly on the Mac side of things. This Windows stuff is a sinch but I'll be thankful for the pair of eyes around as I start exploring how Apple does things. That's an entirely new kettle of fish. Tomorrow, I'll be getting my groceries and then going off to Future Shop to get a Windows keyboard and USB hub among other things. I'm using all my USB ports and could use more to have my Braille display and things all hooked in directly. Tuesday, there's the Dam in the afternoon. After that, things are pretty clear for my training cessions. It should all make for a nicely busy week.

Interesting Times

Hello everyone. It's been an interesting while since I've written an entry. I've met my newest niece Leah. She's a very cute and healthy baby. I forgot just how incredibly small they can be. We celebrated mom's birthday in fine style over a weekend with both friends and family. Ava and Amia were in their usual high spirits as well. I've eaten a lot of interesting and good food lately. We went to Lucy's Seafood place where I had my first experience with lobster in the shell as well as crab legs. I can understand lobster as there's enough meat to justify the effort of extraction. It tasted quite good in garlic butter. However, I fail to comprehend why crab legs are so expensive. They're thin spiny things which are difficult to crack open. Once you do this, the return is a sliver of meat no bigger than a thin french fry. I've also been to Jack Aster's with a family from church. I hadn't been there in at least a decade. Their burgers are very good indeed. Eating out has certainly helpped to stretch my groceries over the past while. I'm still tipically getting orders in the $200 range which last twenty or more days.

Normally, I would have gone to Games night last sunday. However, I had the opportunity to meet a family who goes to our church. They think of themselves as radical christians and definitely live up to that description. Had I come across them earlier in life, they very well might have scared me away from belief in God for keeps. They have some very strong oppinions about people which I simply can't agree to. I think they're going to be very interesting and challenging friends. We'll have to agree to disagree about quite a bit I fear. Despite disagreeing with them and having my overly litteral scriptural interpretation alert set jangling like no tomorrow, I thoroughly enjoyed my afternoon and meal with them. As Captain Robert April says in Diane Carey's Final Frontier, "It's exploration of a worthy kind." I feel sharpenned in my own faith and hope they feel the same having met me. It'll be fascinating to see how they get on in church over the years to come. It certainly doesn't seem like it would be the best fit for them.

This desktop PC continues to be more scarcely populated with software and data as I continue to ready it to be given to a new owner. In contrast, my netbook is very full while it serves as the home base for my iPHONE. That little device is slowly starting to feel more natural to use. I don't find myself having to consciously think about quite as much while I operate it. There's still a slight hesitancy as I answer calls and such but that's finally seeming to fade a bit. I just keep expecting buttons and there aren't any.

Today, I've learned what true musical torture is. Who would have thought that the Chipmunks would do a version of Achy Breaky Heart? It was the most repulsive combination I hope ever to hear. Two annoyances blending together to make something truly dastardly. I wanted to tune it out but the shere timpanic monstrocity held me transfixed in my anguish. Talk about a vicious earworm. I'm left longing for the damned smurfs theme or something equally vapit but pernitiously catching to get those chipmunks out of my poor head.

Tomorrow, I'll be doing lunch with dad at Symposium Caffe after hearing the Discovery landing for the last time. I've been thinking lately of how many times I've heard that ship launch and land over the years. Space activity has captivated me for as long as I can remember. It's such a clear reminder that we have so very much to learn about the place God made for us. I don't want to go there myself but can't wait to hear what people get up to out there.

I learned on sunday that I had been recommended by someone to fill a position of a governing elder in the church. I never would have expected that. I've only been going to the Meadowvale CRC for nearly a couple of years. I guess I presumed that people would have had to attend longer than that. From what I've heard so far, it sounds like something I might do well at. It's a three-year commitment but it's not like I have a ton else going on. I'll put my name in the hat and see what happens. God so far seems equivical on whether I do so or not so I ccan't exactly say I feel called to serve any more than I'd feel compelled to jump at any other opportunity to make a difference which presented itself. Perhaps, that's all the calling God deems necessary. I guess we'll see what happens there.

Known To The Law

Hello everyone. It's been a pretty interesting last little while. Today, I've already been out to the police station to get myself fingerprinted. This is so they can have my prints on file in case anything should happen and so they can complete my police check that everyone who volunteers with "vulnerable" people needs to get. It didn't take long at all. Nor was it a problem finding where we needed to be. I guess dad tends to think things wil be more difficult and time-consuming than they are sometimes. The process was different than I expected. I thought I'd be feeling some sort of soft velvet-like pad rather than the hard serfice where my prints presumeably ended up alright. Pretty soon, I guess even ink will be a thing of the past and everything will be digital. I can't say I heard anything very interesting while in the police station. Not really certain what I expected there but it just sounded like any other work environment I've passed through over the years. Mom and I stopped for brunch at Kora's. I hadn't eaten there in quite some time and enjoyed that thoroughly. Mom's digging into the first of the computer adventure games I've gotten her for her upcoming birthday. They're older games repackaged for WindowsXP and above. What got me started on that tack was one called The Last Express. It's a sort of adventure mystery simulation all rapped up into one and takes place on the Orient Express just before the first world war starts. She's plunging right in and seems to enjoy it so far. These more complex adventures should last her longer than the casual games she's speeding through.

Last weekend was terrific as I had visitors both friday and saturday evening. Nan and Doug plus their four sons came over for a Swiss Chalet dinner which went quite well. It was good to have the apartment so full of people for once. We had a great conversation. On saturday, I saw Mark and Wendy for dinner. I now have my brother's family's old kitchen table as my dining table capable of seeting four should the occasion demand it. It fits quite well against the wall with three of the chairs neatly tucked away. The other is in my bedroom and may occasionally come in handy in there should I have overnight company. I now have all the major permanent pieces of furnature I'll need. There are just a couple of slingback chairs for my balcony that I hope to acquire this year. There's also the tredmill which I'll eventually get from mom and dad's house as well as all my new computer stuff. Once that's all in and I've had a chance to grow accustomed to it all, this place will at last start to have that sense of stable sameness that a home ought to. I guess that process has begun already in a gradual sort of non-intrusive way. Over the past while, that sense of this being the right place for me has grown stronger. Now that I've lived here for a full year, things don't seem quite so tenuous. It was so good having friends over. I know there'll still be times when I feel isolated, disconnected and all that; Weekends where nothing at all goes on and weeks where the days start to blend together into one agonisingly long stretch of sameness. Just now though, I'm feeling remarkably whole. My life is certainly a different one than most peoples' but I no longer have such a profound sense of missing out on everything. Finally having gotten a good sleep last night without recourse to medication also helps. Things seem in their proper shape. I'll be folunteering at The Dam this afternoon in a couple of hours. It's slowly starting to become a normal part of the week. I'm still probably too driven to acomplish stuff with the kids rather than just hang out there as they seem to want me to do. It's getting better though. I'm starting to get used to doing that. I guess it'll grow and change in time as people there get to know me better slowly.

It's early in the evening now. I didn't bother at all with dinner. Just wasn't hungry after that wonderful brunch. Time at The Dam passed slowly today. I'm not quite as used to just hanging around there as I thought. Had a nice chat with some people in the states who have one of these conference line things. Skype makes it affordable for me to participate and it certainly helps the evening move along. They were quite an interesting group of people. I just get tired of wearing a headset after a while.. I'm actually pretty tired period. I'll definitely have some medication tonight to make certain I get a second good sleep in a row. Need to ditch this round of insomnia for a long while. At least now, it's biting off part of an empty evening rather than a day. It's a whole lot easier to live with that.

Obtaining an iPHONE and Other Happenings

Hello everyone. It's a quiet saturday evening and a good time for another blog entry. Things are going pretty well. I'm now the happy owner of an iPHONE 4. Already, I think it'll prove to be the best investment I make in the next good long while. I now have a fully accessible smartphone. I'm still a little slow at answerring calls and finding out the quick tricks of navigating around the screens. However, I've managed to buy a bunch of nifty aps. One of them, Digit-eyes, is even better than my refurbished IDmate2 in terms of telling me what stuff is. However, it does so at a slower speed. That's fine by me. I've got the time to give in exchange for less mystery and surprises where groceries are concerned. I've bought some games and obtained a bunch of free aps. That's an area where I'll have to be somewhat more financially conscious. They're quite cheep individually but it's *so* easy to impulse shop. So far though, I've only found two that I felt compelled to delete. Sadly, nethack is inaccessible on the iPHONE. So is Rogue. Too bad. Those would have been fun. This afternoon, I managed to load my classic Infocom games into Frotz for the iPHONE. I like the idea of having those text adventures available again in a completely accessible form. My iPHONE is already proving quite the useful gadget. There's still a whole lot to learn about it. I've accidentally declined a few calls I actually meant to answer. That should happen less often now as I master the thing. Sorry to anybody I quite accidentally hung up on over the past few days.

Getting my new iPHONE on tuesday morning and then going to the Dam in the afternoon made for a nicely busy if not overly productive day. My second afternoon at the Dam felt very unsatisfying. The place is really too noisy for audio games. Only one kid showed any interest at all and I'm frankly amazed he did as well as he did given the background ambience. Played some audio dramas as well but nothing seemed to intrigue them. I think part of the problem is that sitting there with my stuff out on my lap makes me look too disengaged, like I'm off in my own world doing my own thing and would prefer not to be interrupted. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have most of any given week plus weekends to do my own thing. There has to be some way of getting more engaged with them. The only thing I can think to try next week is to stay on my feet and hang around them hoping for some thread of conversation I can naturally join in on. They all just seem to want to blow off steam rather than relate but doubtless, a lot of visual body language comes into play for them. I can't fall into the trap of disenchantment and presume there's just no hope and no insight to be found. I'm far from resigned to exclusion over the next couple of years.

Today has been a fairly quiet but interesting one. Shirley came over to keep up to date with email and such. It makes a big difference just having someone come around more often. I'm just glad I can actually help someone out in a meaningful way. We're getting to hear more about each other's lives and that adds an important element for me. She's taken that step from being just another nice person willing to help where possible to actually being a friend. It's damned nice to know that's actually possible here. On these last couple of visits, I must confess to a little inattentiveness as I struggled to come to grips with my iPHONE. I think it did both our spirits good for her to see me struggle a little with new technology and hear my self-directed mutterings. Those come pretty naturally when your gadgets have been talking to you all your life. Hopefully, I'll get to know more people better over this spring and summer here.

We're moving ahead with obtaining my new computer equipment. Frontier Computing came through in good style with a price quote I'm happy to go with. It'll be different having an iMAC. I'm looking forward to the challenges ahead technology-wise. There'll be a whole lot to learn and look into on these all too plentiful more quiet days. Once I'm comfortable with the braille display, I believe I'll consider starting a podcast of some sort. I've simply got to keep more busy doing something which connects me more with other people. There's also the ever-present drive I've always had to share my blessings with others in whatever way I can. If I can't find more to do in the offline "real" world, then perhaps, I should play to my strengths and put something else out into the online one. It's not really what I hoped for from life, but it's what I have to work with. The world where people meet up in places for good conversation and actually value a man of thought seems to be a thing of the past. Any way you slice it, I'm in for a lot of long solitary days. I guess I've come to a point where I'm enough at peace with that prospect to start looking at how I can contribute more from that place rather than trying to force it to go away. There doesn't seem to be any real way to recoup a decade of effort rendered lost by a failed marriage and a near miss. Now that I've learned all sorts of painful lessons about relationships, it seems the universe is out to make certain that hard-won wisdom does me no good at all. Still, there's at least a spark of hope for that in me yet. Also, I still think there's a lot of reason to hope for finding more friends who are close in geographical terms as well as in friendship. It'll just take lots and lots of time and patience.

The dishes are all done and everythings' squared away now. I've got winamp playing some nice relaxing instrumental music as I crank out this blog. Aura is holding up its end of the bargain as well presenting me with forest night sounds plus a bonfire ambience. I've enjoyed a nice Black Oak beer with my dinner. As usual, one has proved more than sufficient for a night like this. I have no desire to get anywhere near drunk alone. Better to go put some of this relaxation music onto my iPHONE. I certainly have space for it and may find it nice to have while on the move. I'll also stick on Raymond Feist's Rift War Sauga. Roy Avers did such a brilliant job recording those stories. Listenning to them has become the sonic equivalent of comfort food for me that not much else I've heard over the years really has. Tomorrow is a thankfully busy day. Church has games night plus a class on the Belhar Confession so I could be there most of the day with people who actually take a bit of an interest in me. That'll be nice.

Off To A Good Start

Hello everyone. My first afternoon volunteering at:
www.thedam.org
has gone reasonably well. There's a lot less structure than I expected. The kids come and things just kind of flow along at least on drop-in days. It'll probably take a while for me to really become engaged with them. One youngster seems pretty curious about what life being blind is like. That'll probably be what draws them over at least initially. I went in thinking that I should forego bringing my netbook and gaming gear. However, audio games may very well be an important bridge for them between their world and mine so I'll bring the full pack from now on. I've had to discard or even reverse a lot of preconceptions I went in with but I think I'm going to have a better chance with that unexpected looseness to things than I might have otherwise. The kids will slowly get to know me as me without much in the way of authority or taught lessons between us. I very much look forward to spending more time there. Shirley, the lady who I've walked around the lake with, has offered to drive me there since she's normally around tuesday afternoons. It'll be a good opportunity to keep in more regular touch with her. Getting back is a bit less certain since I won't know how long the debriefing lasts or whatever else comes up. However, I'm close enough that people there can get me back until it gets warm and safe enough for me to walk back and forth myself. Things tend to work out in the end.

Yesterday, mom took me to get my hair cut. I don't believe a hairdresser exists close enough for me to easily get to on my own. The cut feels nice and reaction has been positive so far. One gains confidence in any esthetic change very slowly when one has no frame of reference. Part of you always waits for the "What's with the hair?" shoe to drop. As long as the stuff is short and out of my ears, I'm a pretty happy camper. Later on, I went for a nice rost dinner with mom and dad. They're doing fine and I was able to help mom with her laptop. It's running as it ought to and she was able to spend the free game credit that was part of her christmas present. Think she chose a pretty good game. She certainly seems good at them now judging by the speed she plays through them.

I've also managed to write an article for my church newslettre. I may have to tweak it a little but I'm feeling pretty good about what I've sent in. Hopefully, Nan will have time to let me know if it needs changing. Pastor Sam came to see me this morning. It was good to catch up with him again. It's been a while. He's starting to get over a cold or something which sapped his voice of much of its normal force. It's sounding much better than it did when he called me last saturday. He was able to laugh without it seeming to hurt him. We had a good talk and it looks like the Faith Alive folks will be able to send a pdf document of the study material for the evening classes on the Belhar Confession my church is having. We had some excellent discussion last time and I keenly look forward to more.

My brother and his family are moving this week. My parents will be helping them take care of Ava and Amia as well as likely helping move stuff. It'll be a bit too hectic a scene for me to do much good for anybody there. I'll be getting their kitchen table to serve as my dining table. They don't need it in the new place and it saves me from having to purchase a dining set. Mark and Wendy can at last have their table and chairs back. As always, I'm very thankful for friends like them as well as my family.

I'm happy to see that my good friend Stephen Murgaski is having some really excellent breakthroughs in India. He's been shown around the campus and has begun to make friends over there. That should help make his trip more satisfying and give him some of the perspective he'll need to do a good job putting together a five-day crash course in computers. I eagerly await more news as I've no doubt the rest of his followers do. Here's hoping he gets better internet access soon. Go Steve!

Looks like there'll be an interesting chat this weekend about new accessibility products announced at a currently running conference. I may try to catch that online presuming nothing more local comes up. I always enjoy learning about new gadgets. I actually have some podcasts I haven't listenned to yet as well. Highlights of this week's listenning included President Obama's state of the union address. He's easily the best public speaker to come out of the politics of both our countries in the past twenty-plus years. He puts so much heart into it. Also, CBC Radio1 has podcasts up of a nifty show called Age of Persuasion all about how advertising works. I've enjoyed three episodes posted up there so far and eagerly await more. There'll be a new Spark episode as well as at least one From Our Own Corespondents. All very good stuff indeed. I have a couple of DNTO episodes to catch up on and another arriving this weekend. Lots of listenning to pass time if nothing else offers.

The world is in its proper shape. All my dishes are done and thanks to winter's icy winds, the tap water is magnificently cold. Haven't even thought to check on my ice cube stash in at least a week. haven't heard back from my vendor of choice, Frontier Computing, about my new equipment. I'm expecting them to present a quote of some sort soon and will follow up with them next week if I haven't heard anything by then. Nice not to be in a rush or deadline situation this time around. I can give people the time to do their jobs right.

That's pretty much all she wrote as they say other than the recent developments with Mysteries of the Ancients. Tom Ward continues to make progress with that game and thinks he has another beta release nearly ready. He started a very interesting discussion about whether to quickly slap some relatively easy levels together and get the game out sooner or take time to do things more his way producing more difficult and properly balanced levels. Sad to say, there were some impatient folks out there who wanted the damned game. Hard to really blame them given the extremely long wait we've all endured. However, when a master developer is nearing the end of the time he'll spend on a project, I'd just as soon give him the time to do it right. We then end up with a more satisfied developer who will move onto other games as well as a far better game all the more worthy of the long wait. It just seems common sense to me as a creative person. I'd want folks to give me the time to do things right. He hasn't really said anything definite yet but I believe those of us in the "wait and improve" camp have won the day. Patience is a virtue and the lack of it has already cost the community dearly in the past. Lots of interesting stuff happening in life just now. It feels absolutely marvelous.

Saturday Thoughts

Hello everyone. It's early saturday evening. Jarte decided to crash on me in a very rare instance of recalcitrance. I had been lax in saving my work so this is my second attempt at a blog entry today. Follow me down yet another stream of consciousness. It's been a pleasant day. I've spent so many similar saturdays utterly frustrated at how excluded I've been from life. All that anger and frustration seems to have disappeared as if God just figured he'd zap it all away. I know I've written a little about this before but I'm still completely stupified by the phenominon. Too bad the cellulite didn't vabourise along with it. I'm not euphoric or anything. There's still a longing for more inclusion, more time talking with friends rather than typing to distant ones, and to be in love again. However, there's a kind of positivity which sort of balances that off now. Even during days spent completely alone, a kind of quiet enjoyment or joviality prevails for the most part. Insomnia and writer's block are still annoying me but that no longer prevents me from enjoying other things while I wait for them to leave off. I just know somehow that it'll all work out in the end and that things will get etter/more interesting.

I'm certainly in for some interesting changes over the next while. I've been approved for ADP upgrades to my access technology and that process is now underway. After ongoing discussions with friends and other blind folks, I've set my sights on getting an iMAC which has Windows7 on it. That way, I can best take advantage of both operating systems and can hopefully better dig myself out of trouble if stuff goes wrong given the Mac OS's built-in accessibility. I also hope to get a short and portable braille display. Negociations have begun with my preferred vendor and we'll see what they can do for me. That'll open up a lot of new possibilities when it comes to presenting my writing, doing more podcasts, perhaps even voice acting. At the very least, I'll hopefully be in a better position to help people in both the PC and Mac community.

An even larger change starts this tuesday. It'll be my first afternoon volunteering at The Dam. I've been eagerly anticipating this welcome addition to my weeks for quite some time now. My father will drive me over for the first week. The weather has been very cold and snowy lately and walking there would be somewhat dangerous. I have a few people I can turn to for rides so the Winter should be manageable enough in terms of getting there. I'll walk there and back myself in the spring, summer and autumn. Unlike when I published my computer guide, I don't have the jitters. I've done all I can to prepare and must simply try to be the best man I can be for the young kids and for those I'll be volunteering with. That's really all there is to it. I'll learn more once I'm there.

That attitude very much puts me in mind of Stephen Murgaski. He's made it to that school for the blind in India after some initial frustrations. I had to let slip the hounds of Google to find his blog since he didn't really tell me he started the thing. Unfortunately, he doesn't yet have the wireless internet access he expected and must post updates when he can plug into an ethernet cable from time to time. Hope they get those technical rinkles ironed out soon. They've certainly set him a challenging task. I'm not at all certain I could pull it off but if anybody can, he'll find a way as long as he can get the information needed. You can read more on this without needing to make use of Google by going to:
http://steveinindia.wordpress.com/

I can't help wondering if anything we do as young blind people will really make a bit of difference in our lives other than to our character. It seems like nothing we acomplish is ever enough to really make a difference to prospective life partners or employers. Society puts us in a very strange box. Not many people my age have met as many famous people, been on television and radio, had articles written about them online. We are given unique access to resources like funding for expensive access technology to enhance our personal lives. And yet, it's like we're punching at a brick wall for all the effect this has on the 80 percent unemployment rate the blind community suffers. It's like we're damaged puzzle pieces that simply can't quite fit anywhere unless something extraordinary happens to make a spot for us among the rest. I don't feel damaged. There are plenty of able-bodied folk who strike me as having far more damage to their integrity, honesty and other things. Yet, it too often seems that they'll get even second and third chances at at least a moderately good living while I'm barred from even earning a basic one. All due to that one sense I lack and they have. Once in a while, like when there's a blackout, people will actually need our particular skills and we'll be sought out. Once every so often, we'll notice that we haven't heard a curious child who has snuck away from parents. We may be in the right place at the right time to notice some strange sound or the absence of a sound that nobody else present notices. These things might just save lives once in a while. More often, we're in the right place at the right time when someone needs a good listenner or we come out with some thought that people think is profound. I've never thought myself particularly extraordinarily wise. I've just had more time to actually think about things than most people. That's what happens when you get largely sidelined by so-called normal life. Every great once in a while, some experience will befall us which enriches us or gives us a rare opportunity to really make a positive difference somewhere. I stil hold out some hope that we'll somehow cross the threshhold where people start inviting us into life's more serious commitments of love and secure jobs. That we'll somehow stumble onto a hidden experiencial equivalent of a spring which catapults us into that realm. Whether Stephen succeeds in India or not, he'll come back a somewhat changed man. I think of incredible human capital in someone like Stephen. To just march off like that speaks such volumes about him. Will even that be enough to make a prospective imployer or special lady change their question from a worried "what if?" to an eager "What can?" Sadly, I doubt it. It's definitely going to be a formative experience for him either way. Such things come upon us so infrequently that the effects can act as a lense for our thinking and worldview for some time after. My relationship with Janene was one such. It has definitely cost me a degree of selflessness, trust, and optimism. I won't be nearly as willing to just go off and start life fresh with someone unless I'm very convinced that they're really in it for the long haul. That's a pretty substantial change in character for me. No doubt my time at The Dam will prove a more positive such formative experience. I'll meet a lot of people with very good intentions and a lot of precious young minds. It is very unlikely, given past experience, to change my future prospects much at all. Going in with such expectations would be foolish and could damage the good I hope to do. I'm far more interested in learning about how today's kids and teens think about things. Especially moral issues. I can take those observations and eventually use them in building Enchantment's Twilight. I'll feel fantastic if I actually manage to help one or more young people avoid some nasty pitfalls. Everything else is just icing on the cake. I've come to believe that the only real way forward is to do as much good as selflessly as one can and let the chips fall where they may. I've seen so much good in people like Ron go to waste. There are tremendous transformations in character like what Earle has gone through. I've spent so many empty hours raging at how there never seems to be a positive echo for us; how the only satisfaction we gain is internal. Now, inexplicably, it just doesn't matter that this particular lot falls to me. Rage has done me very little good and I guess a bit of me has finally simply realised that. Our measures of success must simply differ from so-called normal able-bodied people. I didn't set out to be special and would trade all the extra time in the world away for a more ordinary life. However, society seems to need us where we are, ready to fill in the atrocious gaps left in the hectic lives of everyone else. I guess I've finally made a real kind of peace with that which wil see me through until either the next extraordinary experience or more drastic permanent change comes along.

Inner peace is one thing. Why then am I so very cheerful? It's as if I knew I was going to win a lottery or something. I guess I've just know that I'm at last on the cusp of an ongoing stable opportunity to actually do some good for people. Good has its own reward which I've experienced numerous times now. At the moment, it's a kind of glimmer of good feeling that tells me I'm on the right path. At times, I've experienced waves of sublime clarity. Sometimes, I have that sense when some profound idea initially presents itself to me. Usually, it's when I've done something which I find out has unexpectedly helped someone. Personal Power has given me many such moments over the years. So has Audyssey. There were times when I worked on those things that I felt absolutely fulfilled and content. A euphoric sense of rightness would sweep over me as if God was saying so that my very guts could hear: "Well done Michael. You're in the right place at the right time doing precisely what you were meant to." My world just suddenly seems to make fundamental sense regardless of all the disapointments and imperfections. I haven't tried any recreational drugs and have no desire ever to do so. However, I'd be willing to bet that none would produce a sensation which even came close to that kind of tranquil sublime euphoric contentment.

I've begun reading a book called Outside The Wire. It's about the experiences of Canadians over in Afghanistan. Any secondary school kid who smurks at Rememberance Day ought to be forced to read the book at gunpoint. It really brings home what kind of courage it takes to try and contend with political greed, stupidy, lust for power, and corruption. Even more than the CBC audio drama Afganada, this book gives you a substantial idea of the human cost of what we're trying to do over there. Reading the emails and letres of those who have died is particularly heartbreaking. How can so much shere good be so misconstrued that some folks there would try to kill these excellent people? It takes one's breath away.

Well folks, I believe I ought to sign off here and head to bed. I have a somewhat busier day tomorrow than I've just had. I welcome that. I went to bed early friday night for lack of anything at all to do. I feel far better about today even if I did lose a good chunk of blog posting due to not saving often enough. Where does that sense of digital immortality come from anyhow? Now there's a profound question to dream about.