And Then There Was One

Hello everyone. As I begin this doubtless long entry, it's monday morning. It's been an interesting and mainly pleasant last while. This is despite my decision to break off my relationship with Janet last night. That wasn't pleasant at all but could have gone far worse considering my complete inexperience in being the one to decide to end a relationship. It simply became more obvious as we continued to talk via Skype that she just wasn't the right match for me. I found that our conversations were getting shorter and shorter. I thought I could live with that in a partner but have come to realize that this is one area where I frankly can't compromise in as much as I thought I could. When you have more substantial conversations with even newly found friends than you do with a significant other, it's definitely a warning sign of dissatisfaction down the road. Over the past while, the glow of at last finding someone who was actually interested in me was increasingly overridden by doubts about our suitability for each other. Actually going to see each other would be prohibitively expensive given our similar financial situations. One of the real dangers of such long distance relationships is that over time, the chemistry just fades away. I've experienced all of that now. While I could have hung in there out of the thinking that I might never find a more ideal partner, this would have been dishonest of me. I no longer felt love for her above the esteem and affection I have for a good friend and had to set things right. I've been passed up by enough people to know precisely how painful it can be.

This is the first time that I've been the one to break off a relationship. Both Rebecca and Janene decided that they no longer wished to be with me. I can't say that it's a very enjoyable experience being a dumper. One has to face some pretty ugly truths about the limits of lasting worldly love. I thought myself capable of living happily with pretty much anybody who truly loved and respected me. That just isn't the case though. Whoever I end up with simply has to have good conversation and communication skills and also share some similar interests or there just isn't going to be enough common experience to keep things going. She took it remarkably well. I think she had the sense that things had changed. For all my intelligence, I had absolutely no inkling that Janene was about to ditch me like she did that Easter Monday which feels like forever ago now. It looks like Janet and I will remain friends while each of us looks for a relationship to pursue hopefully somewhat closer to home as well as to the kind of partner we're each best suited for. Because she's approached her life in much the same manner in terms of values, she has built up a real place for herself in her community much as I've at last begun to here. She has become a very welcome, reliable and needed friend to many people there. It just doesn't feel right asking her to step away from all that before life circumstances otherwise force her to move on. This is particularly true in the case of her best friend Lori. Janet adds tremendously to the scope and possibilities of her life. She's quite a bit more child-like than Janet in terms of mental capability and must also come to terms with losing her sight. In both her and Janet's case, I find it far too easy to take a kind of friendly stance which veered dangerously toward the more fatherly stance Gandalf had towards the hobbits. Perhaps, that's what Janet wants or even needs in a partner. That's for her to determine. For me, it's very important that I'm with a lady who doesn't evoke such feelings. We've got to be equals. Unfortunately, when it comes to intelligence, I'm faced with the reality that most women I'd take an interest in simply wouldn't be interested in me. Most of them anywhere near my age are already spoken for or are hooked too deeply into our society's need for material wealth to even give five minutes to a permanently unemployed guy on an overly ambitious creative quest. While I could now at least offer a safe and secure home to a life partner who's in a similar financial situation to mine, that's all I can bring to the table outside of my own reasonable outlook, optimism, patience, easygoing nature and good character. These assets have certainly gained me a number of good friends and despite everything, I still find myself hopeful of eventually finding someone who proves to be a better fit for me and wants to take things further. There are plenty of other circumstances which place people on ODSP or outside what passes for normal life. Certainly, I've met people with other mental deficiencies whose ability to converse and basic good cheer were unimpaired. However, especially if I'm going to do the long-distance relationship thing again, it's pretty vital that conversations be stimulating and that we have more common ground regarding interests than I did with Janet. Sadly, a similar moral outlook and religion just isn't enough. It sounds so damned shamefully elitist, but it is nonetheless true for me.

I guess I've come away from this knowing more about my own real desires for a life partner as well as my own limitations when it comes to what I'd be willing to settle for. Good conversation is more of a must for me than I thought. Having been dumped twice, I've never really looked at that aspect of myself so clearly before. Like everyone else, I too have hopes and dreams that I'm unwilling to part with. It's an ugly truth to find that someone who you like, respect and admire lacks what your sustained worldly love requires. At last, I believe I can truly better forgive Janene for walking away from our engagement. Was it the prospect of having to earn all the income unless or until I came up with something creative which I could sell? Was it all the art she did which I would never see and could therefore not appreciate? I guess I'll never know. Whatever it was, I now have a greater understanding of the pain she went through even as she utterly devastated me to the point where I nearly attempted suicide. We took things too far to avoid that indescribable pain. Thankfully, due to that distance between Janet and I, neither of us were hurt badly. Both of our lives have been pleasantly added to. I needed and craved that sense of being wanted by a woman as more than a friend, of no longer being alone in life in that way. Through finding Janet, I've come to better appreciate the friends I have who now include her. Paradoxically, despite this experience clearly showing that my range of possibilities for stable life partnership is more constrained by my own requirements than I would have thought, I find that I have more hope of eventually finding a better match. I at least have the fortitude and sense to act if things don't feel right. Janet has proved to me that there actually are women out there who might find me worth exploring possibilities with. I'm not quite in a completely hopeless situation. Realistically though, I know my wait will most likely be a long one. Until a woman who meets my criteria comes along though, I simply have to keep hopeful, happy and patient. I'm also comforted that I haven't become so jaded that I'm completely beyond being swept into something. I'm still human after all. Exploring love's possibilities always comes with a cost. Compared to my last two serious relationships, I've gotten off remarkably lightly this time. I hope Janet eventually finds someone who has the resources and approach to give her a good and happy life companionship. I of all people know well the frustration of being overlooked due to a disability. The temptation to jump at any opportunity for love no matter how unsuitable or likely to last can probably only be understood by people in a similar situation.

For the record, here are my current known criteria for an ideal life partner:
1. She must be able to engage in deep and meaningful conversation. Words and ideas are at the very core of my life and my significant other needs to have the ability to communicate and explore such things at least as much as my friends do. She needs to be able to communicate her thoughts and argue her case well enough so I don't feel in danger of railroading her thinking. I don't care particularly that she have a formal education equivalent to my own. I've frankly met secondary school dropouts who have taught themselves as much or more than some of us with degrees have ever learned about the nature of real life. The desire and capability to explore ideas and discuss rationally are what I'm after here.

2. Over the years, my faith has become more a part of life. I don't think I could entertain the possibility of marrying someone who doesn't share at least a healthy respect for my religious convictions. I'd very much prefer to find someone who would enjoy going to church together as a couple. It's become an important enough part of my own life that I'd like to share it. It should be something which draws us closer rather than separates us. That blocks not only non-Christians who want no part of church, but also blocks the more extreme kinds of Christians who think poorly of all non-believers, reject modern life utterly, frown on anything not mentioned in the bible, jump to idiotic conclusions about modern culture/art, or think the world's nearly at an end and it's about damned time too. I try to find the good in games, movies, music, people, and life in general and want a lady who will enjoy these things with me. It's still not completely outside the realm of possibility that I would come to love and marry someone of a different faith or an agnostic. After all, had Rebecca not fallen in love with me despite my agnosticism at the time, I wouldn't likely be a Christian today. All things being equal though, I would far rather find someone of similar core beliefs.

3. She should fit in well with family and friends. A serious relationship is a package deal. There's no getting around that. I need to find someone who can partake in activities and get along with my family and friends. Someone who feels uncomfortable or begrudges having to go to family functions ought to look elsewhere for companionship. Mine have supported me through a lot of the worst times in my life. I simply won't hook up with someone who has no use or respect for them. While it's still possible that I might be convinced by a partner to move away to somewhere new, I'd really have to be sold on the idea. If we did, my friends would have to be welcome to visit and I'd expect us to go from time to time to visit them as economics and life reasonably permitted. People get into all kinds of trouble when they allow someone else to remove them from their support network and cut them off. I would never do that to a life partner and won't allow that to happen to me.

4. She must be able to respect how I've lived my life. Instead of banging my head on the brick wall barring job access for people with my disability and particular gifts, I've chosen to take advantage of the economic security and place society has offered me. Were the opportunity presented to me, I would cheerfully work for my living. However, despite sustained attempts supported by a government agency, I simply can't find my way into the labour force. I've therefore made my peace with that reality to the best of my ability and chosen to find alternate means for contributing to the good of others while still enjoying life and keeping cheerful. It hasn't been a short or easy journey. Should my circumstances change dramatically, I would absolutely be willing to work in order to support a married life, help keep a business run by a spouse afloat, etc. Under these rules and circumstances, however, I've figured out that I'll end up feeling far happier, contributing more, and feeling more productive doing what I'm doing. Should opportunities come up, I'd cheerfully volunteer three days a week just to be more a part of the community and feel more productive. Just get me there and back safely. If you can't get your head around that and respect my voluntary efforts to contribute to a society which can't see its way to rewarding me financially, you have no business getting serious with me. Respect has to be a two-way thing right from the start. I've got a hard-working family plus a lot of fully employed friends who have managed to make that leap. I'll stand for nothing less from a potential partner. Rebecca had no respect for what I did voluntarily and thought I should do nothing productive or contributive towards society if I wasn't going to get paid for it. I'll never stand for such a situation again. We're not going to last long if you can't see beyond the world of dollars and cents. Even if I at last find a way into the labour force through some miracle or other, I don't plan on turning away from the projects I've started.

5. I've learned what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket. I did that too much with Janene thinking that we'd be starting life together in a new place and everything would therefore be different. I would have gone with her absolutely anywhere and had no reason at all not to fully trust her. My friends and family were ready and committed to supporting her also and were as shocked as I when she suddenly pulled my less lonely future out from beneath me. None of those people have a true sense of what that put me through despite their best intentions and efforts. I intend to make certain that from now on, there's always enough of life not dependent on a relationship that I never go through such a long vicious downward slide again. That was just too painful and doubtless more rough on those closest to me than I fully realize. In other words, there's going to be more to my life than our relationship. Deal with it or get lost.

6. She needs to have a basically optimistic and cheerful appreciation of life and of people in general. Five years is long enough to have spent walking on eggshells and doing damage control. One thing I really admire about Janet was such a positive attitude despite the rejection she has faced in life. It really hurts me to now have to count myself as part of that rejection. However, if she didn't have that basically cheerful good attitude, I never would have explored more serious possibilities with her in the first place. Especially when you live on something like disability support, the benefits of such a fair-minded, level, patient and positive approach to people are incalculable. People who focus all their energy on society's shortcomings and discount their blessings aren't doing any of us any favours. I'm no longer a member of the ODSP Fireside list. It has some very useful information and clear-headded considerate people on it. However, far too many of its members simply spend all their time bitching and complaining. I can't be part of a group stacked so heavily in that direction and refuse utterly to be with a partner who can't find reason for happiness in life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I'm angry and plenty of reasons for anger and bitterness in this crazy world. However, spending all your time angry just pushes people away from you and eats you up inside. I've been as far down that particular road to destruction as I ever want to go. An ideal woman for me must be able to see the bright side of life most of the time.

7. She needs to enjoy touching and physical affection. That's certainly something I want to experience from a lover again in life at some point. I saved it for last because it's only really meaningful after the rest of my criteria have been established and we've built up the appropriate level of trust, respect and genuine love we can have confidence is going to last. I'd rather have no relationship at all than go through another one which simply can't last due to improper construction. I was quite willing to go through the rest of life without sex had the rest of Rebecca and my marriage been at all salvageable. I felt that this was a part of honouring the commitment I had made. Even in marriage, sex should never be considered an absolute right. That kind of intimacy is a precious gift. Personal space should always be respected. However, if you don't appreciate physical affection, you really ought not to fall in love with a blind man to begin with.

That covers the basics pretty well I think. There's certainly a little wiggle room on these but not a whole lot. Due to the happiness I've found here over the past while, I'm strong enough to get out of what isn't working for me. Hopefully, I'm also strong and kindly enough to do so without hurting anybody too badly. I'd really prefer it if my own happiness in a relationship didn't come at someone else's expense. It should be all about building up hope and possibility for each other and for those whose lives intersect ours. Perhaps, in this self-centred world, that makes me too much of an idealist. I've heard it all before. I just can't make myself believe that this is such a fallen world that quantity is the only way to go in the love department. Women are simply worth more respect than that. Even if that weren't the case, our consciences, our very souls are worth infinitely more respect than that. I dearly hope and wish to find a life partner who I can experience stable growing married love with. Not, however, at any cost. For me, there are things I won't stoop to and things I refuse to give up. If that condemns me to singledom from here on out, so be it. Thankfully, God has blessed me with the ability to patiently hope that this isn't the case. I'll keep open to realistic possibilities. I'm making new connections and new friends these days. There's a whole lot more cause for hope than before this Summer.

This Autumn hasn't been devoid of activity either. I've had a remarkable Thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday, I was contacted about a text book for game designers which I had bought and found to be largely inaccessible due to restrictions placed on the pdf file. To my surprise, the author himself contacted me. It was terrific to hear from him. He was very encouraging. Through his efforts, I obtained a copy of the book which I'm able to easily move through and read. Nothing forced him to go to bat for me, a complete stranger. However, he found enough kindness and faith in me to do so. I've plunged into his book a fair way since then and dearly wish it had been one of the first ones I came across. It's great in that it provides a good overall order in which to do things. I've never really had that and will benefit in many ways from his experience and thoughtfulness. Anybody who is seriously planning to design a game would do well to get Fundamentals of Game Design 2nd edition by Ernest Adams. It's geared towards computer and video games but what he says easily applies to other kinds of games including what I'm trying to create. The other very helpful book was one I found on www.audible.com called Reality is Broken Why Games Make us Better and How They can Change the World by Jane McGonigal. The psychological in sites she provides will serve my project quite well also. I have a whole lot to read, learn, and think about over this Winter. I also have a somewhat better sense of the scope of what I'm trying to do. Even the design document and process is going to take at least another year and possibly two. It's so important to get things nailed down before you go much further.

There have been other good times also. I attended a Thanksgiving party held by members of my church. Despite difficulties hearing due to my illness, it was still very enjoyable and added greatly to an altogether spectacular Thanksgiving weekend. Seeing the family was also fun. Everyone was in good spirits and the dinner was just wonderful. Occasions like that have a way of sticking nicely in your head.

I was also very pleased to have Reverend Chong drop in for a visit one morning. He was a part of the group that I went down to Grand Rapids Michigan with during the Summer for the multiethnic conference. It was great just having him over for a friendly chat in here before heading off to the Dam later that day.

It's Tuesday morning now. I've had a broken but apparently sufficient sleep. Saw the doctor last week and he seems to have hit on something helpful. He suggested I try saline solution sprayed into the nose to clear my stuffiness. Who'd have thunk that salt-water would be as helpful as it's been? Later on this week, I'll be fasting and going in for standard blood work. Everyone says I should lose more than a few pounds. Guess this will be a start. There's also groceries to order and laundry to do. A nicely busy week to help life keep moving along after the breakup. King of Dragon Pass has proved to be every bit as marvellous as I could have hoped. I've already spent hours playing that game. What's more, they're still updating and adding to it. Once some of the rougher aspects of Voiceover access have been polished in the next update, I'll have to try doing a Blindcooltech episode about the game. Meanwhile, I can thoroughly enjoy playing it as I engage in other aspects of life. More blind people are hearing about the game which pleases me no end. I hope the developers are getting lots of feedback.

Doubtless, more has happened over the past while which I have neglected to blog about. It seems a lady who found me on Audioboo is interested in getting to know me further. She goes by the nickname buschic and it seems to be very well earned. She doesn't tend to fit in with the blind community often having different and at times unwelcome opinions. I had a couple of short conversations with her. She seems nice if a little rough around the edges. She seems to be quite interested in me and is thankfully a whole lot closer than Janet was. I could actually see us getting together without going bankrupt. She can certainly carry on a good conversation. Apparently, she considers me cute of all confounded things. The older I get, the less applicable that word seems to me. Given what I've just been through though, whatever happens will take its own time. I've made that pretty clear and she seems alright with that. She'll clearly make for an interesting friend with her radical opinions and justifiable anger considering even the fraction of her experience she has related to me. but whether she fits into the rest of life is a question to be explored slowly and with care. I tend to favour the patient diplomatic approach. She strikes me more as someone who'd charge into a situation and take no prisoners. Somewhat like my good friend Steve Murgaski in that respect. She's apparently spoken briefly to him on some occasions but doesn't know him that well. She makes no secret of her mental issues which at least speaks to her honesty. They're somewhat different than what I've had any experience with. While that at least means things would be different, it still tells me that caution is a good idea. Frankly though, it is damned refreshing to actually have a new lady to even contemplate getting to know. A pretty sharp change of pace from the usual months which stretch on and on between the occasional serious female interest I've experienced. Mustn't let it go to my head. Ah well. Life continues. I'll be off to the Dam pretty soon. Had a delicious brunch which turned out perfectly. No egg on the counter this time. I find that I very much look forward to finding out what the topic for the week's forum discussion after the dropin will be. So far, I've managed to contribute a little to the discussions. It at least makes me feel productive at the end of the day. Hopefully, the dropin will be more eventful for me than the last one was. More people seem to be coming which has raised the noise level considerably. Think I'll take my full set of gear including my portable speakers. If I'm going to be sitting around for hours, I may as well have the ghost of a chance of hearing what my netbook says in there. Who knows? Maybe, some of these new youngsters will have a bit of healthy curiosity. I can hope.

Drifting into Autumn

Hello everyone. I've been happily busy this past while. Lately, my sense of blogger's guilt is telling me that it's way past time for another entry. There's a lot to cover including a few events which could well have had their own blog entries had I gotten around to writing them. Summer is firmly behind now as I start writing this entry on the last day of September. The leaves are all over the ground now on the path around the lake. I know because I went to vote this morning with Shirley. She voted earlier but didn't mind taking me for a walk over. I hadn't realized that the advanced poling station was right in the community centre I walk past when going to the mall and the Dam. This time, I had my voting card and it was simplicity itself. No long lineups or anything. I've officially done my civic duty. Guess we'll see what befalls this fine province on Thursday evening, election day.

For the past while, I've been plagued by an annoying cough/cold. I thought it was allergy-related for quite a while but no longer believe that to be the case. A lot of other people are coughing away too so I guess something's going round and my number came up. I'm just glad I got to enjoy the rest of the Summer this time. Such a splendid remarkable Summer. There are times in your life when you really turn a kind of corner and know that the past while has changed your outlook permanently for the better. This Summer has really shown me that I have far more reason to be thankful, scope for engagement with others in my community, and more hope for social satisfaction in this world of frightfully busy people than I could have imagined before. As I wrote in an article just published in my church's newsletter, I've at last truly found home.

It's Sunday morning now. I've been awake through a whole lot more of it than I would have preferred. However, I'm feeling very good just now other than the somewhat degraded hearing this illness now seems bent on throwing at me. Not nearly so bad as last Summer's illness. Breakfast went far more smoothly today than it did yesterday. A nice muffin and some fresh pineapple proved far less troublesome than the eggs I spilled yesterday. It ought to be a pretty good Sunday. There's church, the Mosen Explosion, and probably a visit with the family later on.

I guess there's a whole lot of past weeks to cover. I intended to do a blog entry a whole lot sooner than this. The first major thing I should write something about was my Aunt Kay's 90th birthday party. That already seems like ages ago. There was quite a bit of driving to Sea forth and then Stratford. We first had a pleasant afternoon with Kay's friends and relatives who attended. It was good to chat with some of Kay's friends who I hadn't met before, and it's always nice to see the folks who have been an intermittent but integral part of my life for about as long as I can remember. I wish we weren't all so spread out. Aunt Kay seemed to enjoy the afternoon thoroughly. There were something like sixty people in attendance. At times like that, you get a real sense of just how wide and positive the impact of a life well lived can be. We then proceeded to Stratford where we enjoyed a catered dinner at the Queen's Arms Inn. The food was terrific. After dinner, some of us gave short speeches. I took a stab at it and quit before I got too emotional. The core of what I said bares repeating here. If there's one thing I'll always treasure that I've learned from Aunt Kay, it's a deep appreciation for rarely encountered often old things. She probably still has that wonderful room in her house where a child of pretty much any age would find some quaint old toy or game which they'd never have come across anywhere else in life. You never got the sense that the possibilities of finding something else of interest on a future visit had been exhausted. Through my writing and other efforts, I hope to pass on that sense of appreciation and wonder that so much of this generation seems to have lost. Even costly video games are now mainly designed to be won and then disposed of rather than kept and cherished. Not so in Aunt Kay's day. Not so for me either. I want people to hang onto my creations be they writing or game. I owe no small part of that resistance to the use it and lose it consumerism plaguing modern life to Aunt Kay and that room of wonders.

It was great seeing Neil and Cathy again. They don't visit that often at all so spending time with them was a lot of fun. After they left, my next big trip was out to Canada's Wonderland with a few friends I hadn't seen in pretty much a year. It was great to be back in the park again. Perhaps, I'll get a season's pass next year. I seem to know enough people who go there often that it would easily pay for itself over a summer. Even better was just catching up with the happenings in the lives of Shane, Crissie and Angel. We just hit it off like we did when they lived nearby and had a very good day together. Sadly, Shane must now deal with the reality of Crones disease which my mother has. He's just starting to blog about what he's been going through. I hope he finds that to be as helpful and therapeutic an outlet as I've found blogging to be. Check it out at:
http://tsholock.blogspot.com/

I've also reconnected with Angela and Tony. Angela came out a couple of times, once to have lunch with Michelle, Gerry and I. She came a second time a week later so that I could update her Trekker Breeze for her. It's all up to snuff now with the latest software and maps. Nobody ever told her she should register it with Humanware to be notified of updates. I cringe at idiocy like that. Same goes for how Jerry didn't get an SMA with his Jaws purchase. If anybody needs things to be easy and up to date, it's someone like him. He doesn't have the technical skill to deal with the adversity he's going to needlessly have to over the next four years until he can get an upgrade. That presumes those who deal with him don't take advantage of his ignorance as has clearly happened this time. He's stuck with version 11 and should have been able to upgrade to 13 like Michelle and I will be. Michelle has the ongoing problem of her visual capability not being understood by people who deal with her. She has to bend very close to the monitor to see it and often can't see things like buttons in the middle of the screen. She notices a lot with her sight around a room or outdoors but this doesn't mean she can when things are close up and small. It's not that she isn't trying. She simply often can't. I've been surprised by what she's able to notice at times so I have a dim understanding of how other people might reach the unfortunate conclusion that too many have for her. I couldn't help her as much as I would have hoped this week when I went to see them. All I could do was take her to the place where she could change colour and font. I just have no direct experience and only a dim theoretical grasp of what these things are. I can see both sides of the coin as usual. It's understandable if regrettable that trainers will lose patience trying to help her and Gerry. It takes them longer to grasp technical concepts and such. Poor Gerry actually ended up frustrated with the phone as he tried to call Swiss Chalet to order our dinner. He really seems caught in a world which has moved beyond him technologically but he's doing quite well considering his late introduction to computers. It's just going to take longer for him to really start grasping stuff well. Too long for trainers busy making a buck to do much more than write him off after a certain point. How much collective wisdom is forever lost to society through the impatience of others?

Back from church now. That was a great service as usual although my illness robbed me of my accustomed ability to hear easily. My article got published in the church newsletter and a few people commented favourably on it to me. I enjoyed a light lunch and am now awaiting the start of the Mosen Explosion on
www.mushroomfm.com
I just read an article by my good friend Adam Taylor. He's studying to become a journalist and got published in his college's newspaper. Check out his article at:
http://sheridansunonline.sheridanc.on.ca/business_ads.html
Looks like he's started a nifty blog also for gamers. Have to keep an ear on that. Check that out at:
http://adambladetaylor.blogspot.com/

Life has somewhat settled down now for me. I don't expect any major outings over the next while. That'll be good for my bank balance. Even these more empty days seem to be going past at quite a clip. I've read some good books including The Rule of Nine which was a very well-written thriller. I've also re-read the Moon Maze Game which is just terrific and well worth the waiting for. I'm about due for another Audible credit and am debating which book to choose next. I may go for World War Z despite it being abridged in the spirit of Halloween. However, there are quite a number of titles on my wish list including Ready Player 1. That one sounds very interesting and comes highly recommended by Dani Hood, a former neighbour and current friend. There are also a couple of game development related books. Now that work on Enchantment's Twilight is on the move again, they also present some temptation. Robert J. Sawyer also tugs at my heartstrings as I'm sorely tempted to get the WWW trilogy over the next few months. So many choices. If there's a sale as there sometimes is, there's always a chance that a book I'm interested in will be included in it. However, I can't count on that and must make my monthly choice accordingly. As my budget improves and recovers from Summer, I'll have more freedom of action but that's how things are for now. Rather than being put out, I see it as only fair that things tighten up for a bit. It all comes down to perspective and I seem to have well and truly found my equilibrium.

Looks like I'll be joining my parents for dinner at Kim and Ernie's tonight. It's always good to catch up with them. Saw the three nieces last week. They're all doing alright despite dealing with colds. School is going well for both Ava and Amia. Little Alleah won't be ready to join the educational system for some time yet but she's a cute grabby spunky little one for all that. I'm glad Neil and Cathy got to see them while they were here.

As offline life slows down a tad, my online existence is becoming more interesting. One of my Twitter followers, Julie Einarson, participated in the Sears Run which raised funds for research into curing Cancer. Apparently, she did quite well and her team came in second. Tom Ward just announced that he's doing a small Halloween game as a kind of break from ongoing work on Mysteries of the Ancients. Thank God people have proved more understanding than past experience gave me any cause to hope they would. So far, no flame war or harsh backlash against Tom for daring to take a short creative break and switch gears for a bit. Hope it does him some real good to make something unhindered by the desires and hopes of the blind gaming community. He's been hemmed in for so very long by trying to do a good deed. Team FM has been very successful in its launch and I'm tuning into a couple of their shows. Mainly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the Bear's Lair on Saturdays. That in itself has been wonderful to have back. Lulu plays some terrific stuff and that whole community Twitter interactive thing just makes an otherwise empty Saturday feel special. It's nice to know that weekends this Winter will have two events, the Mosen Explosion on Mushroom FM plus the Bear's Lair on Team FM, which will be points of contact with communities of listeners. There's also Cathyanne's Soothing Sounds and Erin Edger's Melting Pot, shows I catch on a semi-regular basis. Pretty soon, King of Dragon Pass will at long last be accessible to me via the iPHONE. I have every confidence that this game will keep me spellbound for hours of stimulating story-driven play. That's a very good thing as I'll be saving any extra cash for the whole Christmas thing as well as any social opportunities which might come my way. Podcasts are going to become more welcome things in life. I have tons of Spark episodes to catch up on among a great many other things in that department. I have, however, enjoyed a number of From Our Own Correspondents episodes over the past while during less active times. It's positively delightful and unbelievable how far out of my digital world this past Summer has taken me. The whole tambour of life has well and truly changed.

Janet and I have been chatting on Skype most evenings. It's damned good to have someone to do that again with who really seems to love me. I can't help but be drawn in by her simplicity and obvious affection. However, when you get right down to it, all we've done is talk and email each other. The whole question of how well the chemistry will work outside of Lake Joseph's special environment still remains to be answered and doubtless will for some time. Having a friend like Carine to talk with is helpful. Like me, she's in a long-distance relationship and must deal with some of the same issues. This includes the same tendency to analyze things to death. Will we find each other to be stimulating when together on our own continuously or simply find that things run out of steam? We operate on two very different mental levels. Janet has a very simplistic way of approaching things including faith. God will provide. It's a foregone conclusion for her as reliable and all-encompassing as the sunrise. With intellect comes a knowledge of how things work which precludes such easy refuge. I'm forever weighing and pondering, wrestling with the very essence and consequences of what I believe. As with my faith, so too it is with the rest of life. Particularly when it comes to my hopes for life-long female companionship, I'm probably altogether too mindful of the consequence of choosing wrongly. I get a strong sense that we would both be useful additions to each other's social circles. However, while I was listening to some fantasy book or lecture, would she take an interest or simply be bored to death? Would we listen to radio shows or podcasts and have meaningful talks about them, or would that simply be an ideal I'd do better to let go of? I can sort of see myself getting into some of the mystery and crime shows which fascinate her but am never going to be enthralled by comedies, campfire singalongs or other things which amuse her. There would certainly be compensations in terms of the freedom of action her sight would provide us. Also, while I'm apt to get mired in detail and counter-argument, she's the type of kind soul who's apt to come up with one of those breath-taking "why didn't I think of that?"-style conclusions. She doesn't say what she doesn't mean. There's no ambiguity. I would always know precisely where I stood with her. Ability-wise, each of us can nicely fill a lack experienced by the other. That could either lead to a kind of stability or not. Eventually, we'll doubtless manage to visit each other and really find out where things might go. Until then, I take comfort in my new lovely lady at a distance and explore what ground Skype makes possible. Our road to togetherness will be a very long one. For me, it'll be full of weighty questions which only time together will answer but which I can't help but wrestle with anyhow. I don't ever want her to feel belittled or inferior to me if she can't immediately grasp things or can't get into things which interest me. She has, in many ways, surpassed me in how she has approached things and/or dealt with her limitations. It's not at all the same as having someone to go on dates and start experiencing life with. Hopefully, the distance between us will prove to be a means of building a solid foundation of understanding upon which love can grow. For the present, having Janet to talk with and write to is a whole lot better than the big zero relationship wise. It's so damned nice to finally have a possibility for long-term companionship to at least explore with someone who takes the possibility seriously.

It's Monday afternoon now. Dinner with the Perins was delicious and entertaining as always. Their computer needed quite a cleaning as they hadn't really known to attend to that over the past years they've owned it. I trust that they'll notice quite a speed boost now that a disc cleanup and defrag have been done. I seem to be doing a lot of basic computer maintenance for people these days who either don't have the time or inclination to learn to do it themselves. I can relate to that. There are certainly things, particularly fashion-related, that I could doubtless grasp more firmly but simply aren't worth my bother. There's that palpable sense that Fall has arrived and with it, a bustle of activity you never quite feel in Summer no matter how full of adventure it is.

Carine called unexpectedly this morning. She and Kevin have been pretty busy lately, as have I. It was good to go for a walk around the lake with her dog Breeze and my Trekker Breeze GPS. We went off to Symposium where I had the breakfast of champions. That'll pretty much be my meal for the day. Kevin and Carine want to take me tubing this Winter. Carine also seems to like hiking. Haven't had a whole lot of opportunity to do either of those things in quite a while. It's great to have people who think of me when they're considering doing something and have them be so close to where I live. It'll be fun including them in some of my gatherings also.

Apples have definitely made their way back into my list of liked fruits. They're a nice change from oranges this time of year. Dad says oranges are to his liking just now so I may get some with my next grocery order in a couple weeks or so. I have a Fall coupon book which I intend to get some use out of. The coupons are five dollars savings plus one for ten. That doesn't really justify doing an extra order what with the delivery fee but I'll still save at least fifteen or twenty just sticking to my natural schedule. They do a good job of reminding you when codes are about to expire. I appreciate thoughtfulness like that. When it comes to customer service, Grocery Gateway truly has its act together. Wouldn't mind if the bills were lower, but would mind extremely if they ever went out of business.

It's been a pleasant afternoon and is now well into evening. The wind has now passed well in to the realm of chilly. Time to close the balcony door for the night. People will be coming to check on and perhaps repair the balcony railing tomorrow so I've moved the table into a corner and the chairs inside. I've never gotten to meet and talk with the folks who do that kind of work. That could be interesting. I wonder what tools they might carry or whether they leave everything in a truck until they perceive an apartment which needs their attention. There are so many things like that which I guess are just obvious to sighted folk but that I've never gotten round to finding out. The railing certainly seems just as safe and solid to me as it ever has. Do they use some special equipment to examine them and how well they're set into the concrete of the balconies? Also, what possible insights might such a career lend itself to? They see the inner sanctums and visible possessions of so many people. What do they actually think of it all? What impact might it have on their sense of place and accomplishment in life? I think of people like Franc Snape, who I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite our not being related. You can read a bit about him in the previous blog entry. There are so many different approaches to wisdom and depth of character.

At last, I learned today what Julie sounds like. She's the lady I mentioned earlier who's running in the Great Canadian Run for Cancer soon. I finally got to hear a Youtube clip of her speaking. For quite a while now, I've known what two thirds of the Twitter triangle[twiangle?] of Dani, Jacqui and Julie sound like. Dani was a neighbour of my parents and I and still comes over on some occasions. Jacqui is Dani's friend who I've also had the pleasure to meet and talk with over the years. The most memorable thing I've done with them so far was eat at O'Noir when they wanted to experience eating in the dark. That seems so damned long ago. So much has happened to me, them, and Stephen since that evening. Now, I can have some sense of how all three members of the twiangle would sound saying what they tweet to each other. It's one of those things, like putting that last dish back in the cupboard, which imparts a disproportionate degree of satisfaction. Sort of like having a matching set of stuff. My impression of Julie as an interesting and caring person hasn't changed at all for finally having heard her. We might never actually meet as is the case with so many of my online acquaintances. It's just a tiny bit of curiosity put to rest.

Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be leading the Forum discussion at the Dam. My previous experience explaining to students and others about life as a blind person will hopefully stand me in good stead for this. I hope I can keep them interested and pass something of what life has taught me on to them. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to make some real headway with whoever ends up staying around for the discussion and pizza. It's been on my mind most of the day. Thank God for Twitter and other seemingly trivial stuff of life. As the author says in Stranger Than Fiction, that seemingly trivial stuff does a whole lot to save our lives. It saves us from taking ourselves too seriously, from becoming too obsessed for our own good with what we're about. It can give us that small speck of distance we need to stumble across what our most intensely focused careful thinking can never find. Mostly though, it saves us from the crushing weight of time we cannot more profitably use. I was going to publish this entry today, but believe that I'll hold off. Tomorrow's forum is a pretty important first stab at youth leadership for me and you all deserve to know how it turns out.

It's now Tuesday evening. I'm back safe and sound. It's been a pretty good day. The balcony workers were extremely quick. They walked through, hammered a few times on the railing or something out there, and then left. Couldn't really chat with them but got to chat briefly with the building superintend ant. He seemed somewhat surprised that I was cooking despite it's being lunch time. The Apple press event was unfortunately less than informative regarding IOS5. The only real piece of info I learned before having to leave for the Dam was that IOS5 is going to come out on October 12. That ought to be interesting.

The Trekker performed beautifully today on the way to the Dam. My hearing, however, was somewhat problematic. This time, it was that lack of the clear crisp hearing of my surroundings which got me turned around heading accidentally back towards my apartment until the Breeze announced familiar landmarks which clued me in. That added five minutes to my otherwise excellent walk over there. Crossing the street was a tad more nerve-wracking. One car was quiet enough and moving slowly so I didn't realize it was anywhere near until it was very close indeed. The driver was obviously well aware of me. It seemed almost criminal after the forum to accept a lift back home but given that hearing difficulty, I figured discretion might be the better part of valour this evening.

My first forum was quite a success and turned out very differently than I had planned for. It ended up being about getting to know me. I shared some antic dotes and basic information about how I approach things as a blind person. I think it'll make it easier for them to approach me with their issues during the drop in. Robin seemed to think that it was quite a success and everyone was interested all the way through. They want me to lead another forum later on where I tackle the rest of what I planned to do in this forum.

The rest of this week will be pleasantly busy for me. I'll be going to Symposium Cafe on Thursday to have lunch with Michelle and Angela. Michelle's computer seems to be working better for her but I've no clear idea what happened to accomplish that. Face book is still a bit more difficult but seems to be manageable for her. It'll also be interesting to find out how Angela likes her Trekker now that it's all updated. I'll have to read up on entering addresses into the Breeze so I can explain that better. I haven't used that feature a whole lot but it would come in pretty handy for Angela. I guess tomorrow and Friday will be when I do laundry and other odds and ends. Thursday is also election day and I'll certainly be tuned into CBC Radio1 for their coverage that evening. At some point, I'll have to catch a full length news broadcast and get caught up with that. What with all the happenings and tech stuff, I guess I've let my grip on world events slip a tad. Rather than finding that annoying, I find it a welcome indicator of just how much things have changed for me over this past while. It's high time I got this entry published. I'll be Skyping Janet and her friend Lori fairly soon once I've gotten a nice cold drink. Until next time, my good readers all.

New Friends, Unexpected Expeditions, Summer Goodness, and More

Hello everyone. It's a somewhat brisk windy monday morning. I've had quite a spectacular weekend. On saturday, I thought I'd go out and get a walk round the lake in before the day got rainy as was forecasted. I met a very nice lady named Carine who has recently moved into the area. She lives very amicably with her ex-boyfriend Kevin. They seem to have negociated through any awkwardness and just got on with being good friends and housemates. Could I just put aside Janene's having decided not to marry me and simply be friends with her should she call one day? I don't think so. We crossed so many lines and went so much farther than simple friendship that anything less than a life-long commitment just seemed like such hollowness. For me, it's more an all or nothing thing. Had she refused my engagement ring on that weekend I offered it to her, there may have been room to retreet to friendship gracefully if not painlessly. Once we were engaged, that window just closed for me. Her subsequent walking away from me simply hurt too damned much. Somehow, these two have managed to keep a very high level of trust and friendship.

Carine was originally going to see her long-distance boyfriend but that never panned out. I suspect some texts sent to each other got lost somehow. Not being one to text with my own phone, I don't know how common or rare a problem that is. The end result was that she ended up going out for lunch with me to Symposium Cafe while hoping, worrying and waiting for a text from him regarding their planned outing. That never came so she spontaneously decided to go to Canada's wonderland with Kevin and I. They had season passes and I got a day pass from Shopper's Drug Mart. Kevin's a great guy who I felt very comfortable around very quickly. We all just seemed to click remarkably well right off the bat. There was none of that "Oh gosh! He's blind! What do I do?" hesitation at all. We just started relating and enjoying the day. I doubt they have any idea whatsoever of just how long I've been hoping something like this would happen or just how refreshing their attitude towards me was. Who'd have thought that a decision to take a walk around the lake rather than just make a bacon and egg brunch and get on with another solitary saturday would lead to such a fun and successful day? It makes up for a whole lot of frustrating lonely time when stuff like this happens.

It was fantastic to be back in the theme park I knew so well as a child. I haven't been back since that trip I wrote about in A Life of Word and Sound. By far, the Bohemoth is the best new ride and best rollercoaster I've ever been on. It's smooth, the drops are thrillingly steep, and the turns are exciting without feeling the need to thwack your head into the restraints. It's even got some actual length to it and you don't walk away feeling like the ride wasn't worth waiting in line for. Of course, that waiting is made tremendously more pallitable by the company one keeps. In that department, I was in very good hands indeed. I very much look forward to getting to know Carine and Kevin better over the next while. There are so many occasions where you know people don't mean to follow through with friendship, getting together and such. This doesn't feel like such an occasion. They both struck me as interested in hanging out on future occasions.

In another major development, I've ultimately decided to explore the possibilities of a serious long-distance relationship with Janet, the very helpful lady who I met at Lake Joe. She seemed very interested in my being her boyfriend right from the start and remains so now. I was somewhat indecisive due to the distance involved. We won't be able to just go for coffee or short visits. Both of us are on ODSP and have the same financial constraints. She understands that I'm ultimately after a marriage and would prefer she moved in with me here. I want something more than just loving words. I want a life lived together with someone who respects my efforts contributing to society. Someone who doesn't negate my positive attitude or cripple my ability to be friends with and give to other people. Here in this apartment and community, I've finally begun to truly set down roots and build a life worth sharing. I'm also close to family. I doubt I'd ever get such a suitable subsidised apartment again should I leave this one. Ultimately, I suppose I'd be willing to but the level of convincing I'd need that I wouldn't be left high and dry would be formidable. Perhaps, as some people suggest, that slow build-up of confidences and conversation will lead to a relationship built on a better foundation. I'd have to eat my words and old ideas about how frought with uncertainty and anxt such relationships seem bound to be. God has certainly delighted in proving me wrong many times before. I, in turn, have typically been very delighted to be corrected. There's still a whole lot of uncertain territory to explore. However, it's high time to try something new. God knows I've tried damned near everything which seems the least bit sensible and sain to me by this stage. You'd think one of the 600 or so women more local to me would have taken me up on the long-standing offer to treet for coffee, or perhaps, on a long shot, someone from my church. But no! It's a lady from Peterborough with a learning disability who has somehow gleanned enough about me over a week in an abnormal environment to find me worth pursuing seriously. Go figure. I certainly have a good sense that our core values match up well. We're both Christians who go to church regularly. Both of us have come to terms with where society has stuck us and decided to make the best of the situation rather than spend time being bitter. We both deeply value time with our friends and the whole art of friendship. Both of us have an innate sense of responsibility to others around us and try to be helpful whenever possible. She has a good sense of humour and doesn't get all upset when teased. All that seems quite promising. However, there's still a lot of ground to cover in terms of finding common interests. When a good book absorbs me for hours at a stretch, is she going to be interested also, have her own equally absorbing amusement which bores the liver out of me, or be pulling her hair out in frustration wishing I wasn't such a damned deep thinker? How about when insomnia rouses me from bed at absurd o'clock in what can only generously be called morning? And then, of course, there's how irritable I get when writer's block sticks around for an extended visit. Having a cheerful partner who pulls me away from the keyboard and helps me engage more with the rest of life at such times would certainly be helpful there. Unlike Rebecca, there won't be any conflict between my efforts to contribute to the world despite not getting paid for it. Janet admires my drive to do what good I can with the talents and time I have. She instinctively seems to have approached her own life in much the same way. Neither of us want children so that's another big source of dissatisfaction among couples out of the way. Those are just some of the things to be explored as much as long distance allows. Due to our week at Lake Joe, I've had the chance to determine that I find her physically attractive. She certainly seems to find me to be so.

This Summer has been truly profound for me. Hard on the bank balance but very restorative to the soul. I even begin to hope that this winter won't be quite so solitary as prior ones. Even if things do spread out more evenly in the year socially speaking, I suspect that Summer will always be a more active and expensive season for me. Things really seem to be permanently changing for the better though. I have a much greater sense of starting to fit in, like I'm building a life rather than rolling around like a ball too large to ever fall into a hole.

It's now tuesday morning. Been up since around four this morning but I'm feeling pretty good despite that. Yesterday was laundry day for the most part plus some writing plus other bits of stuff. Never got out for a walk but I'll be doing that today to the Dam and back barring sudden bad weather. My legs have long since recovered from my impromptu expedition to Canada's Wonderland. In a while, I'll make myself a nice bacon and egg brunch. I've finally polished off all the pineapple and strawberries for this order of groceries so it's on to the oranges. Just for variety and in case the oranges go bad, I have some of those fruit cups in the fridge. Grocery Gateway is owned by Longo's and they're quite rightly known for their quality fresh fruit among other things. It's rare that I have to throw anything out other than potatoes.

I was very sad to hear of the death of Jack Layton yesterday. He was such a caring thoughtful man that even the prospect of a Conservative majority government didn't worry me too greatly with him leading the opposition. I've grabbed his book, Speaking Out, Ideas that Work for Canadians. The CNIB digital library had it in accessible mp3 format. I've read the beginning and think I'm in for some thought-provoking stuff. I've no doubt that he planned ahead for this eventuality and that the NDP will live up to what Canadians who voted mainly for Jack expect of them. It must be so hard on his family. He never got to enjoy retirement with them like my parents are able to do. When you've spent so much of life having empty days blend into each other, it's always a bit of a shock when time runs out on someone so deserving of more. Rest in peace, Jack. You and I were after the same sort of community-based country and world where people aren't tossed aside in the name of the bottom line.

Family will be taking centre stage in my own life over the next while. My grandmother is coming for a visit tomorrow. She'll be staying with my parents for a few days before we take her to her sister Kay in Bright Ontario. It'll be Kay's 91st birthday in early September and at some point between now and then, my Uncle Neil and Aunt Cathy will be staying with mom and dad so they can join the celebration. It's been quite a while since I've seen either of them. It'll certainly make for a very different September this year. Everything feels different and fresh these days. Different and absolutely wonderful.

A Most Splendid Season

Hello everyone. It's past time I got another blog entry out to you all. The past while has been both on the whole pleasant and busy. I've fully gotten over my illness and been back to the Dam each week. I find these Summer hours somewhat slow. If anything, the kids seem more occupied and full of energy which means there's less opportunity for me to really get engaged in other than keeping a hopefully helpful ear on things. In the autumn, I'll begin staying later on tuesdays to help lead discussions on various issues. I keenly look forward to that. It'll be of immense help when the teens are actually present in order to talk about something.

I should be sleeping right now. Did a walk today, got together with Shirley for a long overdue catch-up chat, and haven't even eaten much. I've played every damned card I have other than taking my sleeping medication of choice, a cheep Graval knock-off. Took it last night and got a good sleep but wanted to be up and not groggy for church... later this morning. My brain just refuses to wind down and let me sleep. It's ten to fucking three! Wanted to get a blog entry out long before this, august 7th, but the words just never worked out.

Other than this sleping difficulty, I've had a terrific if expensive time this summer sans the week after getting back from Lake Joe. My desktop computer is now busy converting my Audible books into more easily navigable MP3 files. Had Audible just spared a moment's thought for blind people who, ... oh, just might be their most captive loyal audience on the planet and made it possible to navigate their books as they were read in Windowsmedia on a Windows machine, I wouldn't have had to do this. Thank God I've got this netbook. It'll be around another day or so before it's done and I started the process yesterday afternoon. I'm converting all three of the Dream Park novels and hope Audible eventually does the Moon Maze Game, the fourth long-awaited book in the series. Now that I've bought DRMbuster which can convert the books into MP3s, Audible is at last worth belonging to for me. The iPHONE app also works great and thankfully allows blind people the same latitude of navigation as sighted folks. I'm going to cancel my Samnet subscription to be able to afford Audible. I really haven't used it as much as I thought I would. The descriptive movies are nice but the chat community has simply dried up. Everyone's in the game room and nobody seems to simply look for a good conversation anymore. Not unless there's three different other things to be doing at the same damned time. The art of friendship seems to be changing drastically if not exactly dying.

It's now the morning of the 10th. Still haven't exactly kicked the insomnia to the curb but I'll live. My next order of groceries will be arriving soon. That could see me through the rest of the month but it would be a stretch. We'll see how that goes. Now that people are coming back from their vacations as Summer heads into the final stretch, the likelyhood of guests increases. I'm having one tomorrow who'll be staying for a few days. Stephen Murgaski, blind adventurer extraordinaire and my good friend since early grade school is coming to visit. It'll be great to have him here and catch up more fully with everything. I've been seeing more of Doug and Nann lately. Got to meet a couple of their good friends including one who I previously just read emails about. It'll be a hoot to return the favour and introduce them to Steve this week. They've heard a fair bit about him but didn't get to meet him durring his last visit. Yesterday was a great day at the Dam which made up for so much dead time there. I got into good conversations with two of the youth for basically the whole afternoon. One girl chatted with me for most of that time, a good two hours or so. For the first time in quite a while, I enjoyed that sensation of being at the right place at the right time and being able to do a good job. I think I made some serious headway, or at least a good beginning with each of them. The rain cleared up so I was able to walk back from the Dam. Didn't get lost this time. Once it locked on, the Trekker worked perfectly.

This is an exceptionally enjoyable Summer for me. I've felt a lot more drawn into the community here. I've always found comfort and security in being well known. That seems to surprise a good number of people who cling to privacy like it's some sort of refuge that could disappear all too easily. The better I'm known around here, the safer I am as I go about. Plus, if I'm ever going to find a job or get another crack at marriage some day, it'll most likely be because people know me as a kind compassionate person willing to pitch in and help out however I can. One lady who said hello to me on the path around the lake didn't give me her name. What was I going to do other than know how to address her? Launch a name-seeking missile her way or something? People just don't seem to have time for community and haven't the foggiest idea what they've been turning away from. Given enough information, I can be of real help to people, a contributing part to their lives rather than simply a man with a cane to look out for. Especially to the folks whose English could do with some improvement. I've had numerous residents in the building who fall into that category expend considerable effort in asking me how I cook my food. They don't seem to give a tinker's cuss about anything else so long as I don't seem likely to burn the building down. Wonder how many of them smoke while they're less than fully alert. If I thought for a moment that they'd understand the reply; "Well a lot of blind people use ordinary or talking appliances like microwaves, George Forman grills and such. Me, I've come to truly cherish my flamethrower." I'd be ever so sorely tempted to use it at times. I hate it when people leave with a one-dimensional impression of me. Thankfully, that phenominon is at last being balanced by more people actually getting to know somewhat more about me. I'm very much enjoying being more a part of the community rather than the human equivalent of a strange bug under a microscope. I'm hopeful that things will keep getting better here over the years as more people slowly learn more about me and I them.

The groceries are all stowed away. I at last have actual buns for the burgers I never got around to eating. However, I forgot to order salad dressing for my vegies. Oops. Still feels good to be all stocked up. The delivery person was a woman this time. First I can remember for Grocery Gateway. Would have been interesting to talk to her more. She's only been working there for six weeks. There's a little tidying up to do yet but on the whole, I'm nice and ready for company tomorrow. That increased activity will, I hope, allow me to at last ditch the insomnia for a while.

During the Summer, my church is doing a series of questions asked by God of his people in the bible. The challenge is to come up with our own answers. Most people are submitting them on cards anonimously. I plan to do an article with an answer for the newslettres published by the church over the next months. It'll be good to have something like that to do on a regular basis. I'm hoping it'll help stave off writer's block a tad. The church has certainly continued to be a very positive factor in life for me. I attempted to walk there a couple of weeks ago and succeeded despite not having used the route since I learned it last year. The Trekker Breeze gave me enough information to keep me on track and remind me of what I would have forgotten. It took around an hour to get there. Didn't stand much during the service. The legs certainly felt stiff for a while. All the walking I've done this year has certainly paid off. I'm feeling quite good overall even while contending with insomnia. Having things to look forward to in my calendar helps also. I'm finally able to use my iPHONE's calendar effectively. Took a bit of tinkerring but I figured it out in true manly fashion without recourse to the manual.

I have no doubt I've left out some events I might have blogged about had I gotten to this entry sooner. There have certainly been more visits and things than in previous years. Twitter has also helpped tremendously to keep the edge off the more solitary days. For a while, all we heard about in the news was the phone hacking scandal. That's at last been brushed away by these crazy riots in London as well as the unsteady world economic situation. Those riots must be something else to live near. You'd think people would show a bit more sense. Smashing and burning businesses isn't going to make things better for anybody. I hope we're not in for another global recession. We've just barely poked our heads out of the last one. Although my current personal circumstances would bennefit from falling prices as they did during the last one, I would prefer to live in a world where people are more hopeful and where effort is more rewarded. It's one thing if I face the hopelessness I have. It's something else entirely when people all around me face the same difficulties and fear losing all they've worked so hard for. There probably is a danger that in a particularly long deep recession, ODSP and housing cuts could seriously effect me. Although they didn't lower my income during the last recession, I presume such cuts are always a possibility. For now though, I can enjoy the rest of the Summer confident that I'll be able to put some money away for the next Summer over the winter. Things should work out alright barring any unexpected events.

Finally got to see Allison and my three nieces again. Dan was busy working. They've had quite a good summer also. They went camping for the first time right when the heet wave was in full force. We were all a bit worried about how Alleah would do. As things turned out, they all had a great time and will be going camping again later in the month. Wasn't certain how well that kind of trip away from the comforts of home would go over with Ava and Amia but they seem to have enjoyed it. Later this month, my grandmother is coming so I expect to be doing quite a bit with the family nearer the end of August. That's always an interesting break from the normal.

Lake Joe and Aftermath, July 2-13

Hello everyone. Things are off to a good start up here at Lake Jo this year. There are a number of excellent people to talk to and no real bad or unwittingly annoying apples. My roommate is a nice enough if somewhat unfocussed fellow. He doesn't seem to use his cane at all. It just leans in a corner of the room while he follows people around everywhere. He's definitely got mental issues but they're thankfully of the more tame variety. I'm having quite a relaxing time here although my sleeping has yet to return to normal. Had a very poor sleep Saturday night but a very good one if somewhat badly timed last night. It's now Monday morning. I've just done my first online check of email and such. Nothing has happened yet to cause message traffic to spike so I won't check again for a couple of days. It would be damned nice if they finally got proper wifi up here even if only in the welcome centre. I always have to pull the cable from another computer and hook it into mine. I helped a young lady make a phone call using my Skype and it would have been ever so much more convenient were I able to do that from more places around here.

There are a number of pairs of people with the same name and it would be ever so devilishly amusing to get them all together unexpectedly in conversation somehow. At least five or six pairs of similarly named people. Not quite like the class I was in which had six of us Mikes in it. Supply teachers never knew what hit them. Those were the days.

Looks like the food here is going to be up to its usual excellent standards. Other than the first dinner which was pasta, I've enjoyed pretty much everything. I don't know what whoever was in charge of choosing the juice glasses to be used this year was smoking though. They're tiny things. I usually go through two or three in a meal and don't feel at all competent to pour into them while at a crowded table. I'm a pretty steady hand when it comes to pouring so that's saying something. They should have stuck those glasses in the cabin washrooms and chosen larger glasses which actually encourage those not expert in the art to try. Spills and misses are pretty much a given with glasses like these at the table. I have no other gripes with the kitchen or food at all. However, why is there only one set of shelves in each cabin? I can live without closets and dressers but for heaven's sake! At least give each client his/her own set of shelves. Thank goodness my roommate is able to keep who has what on which shelf straight.

Not certain if I'll end up with any new long-term friends but there are at least some hopeful prospects and I'm definitely in for a week of good conversation. A couple of nice ladies seem quite interested in keeping in touch but they're out in Peter borough and I have no idea how far away that is. Guess we'll see how things go. One of them is fully sighted but on ODSP due to learning difficulty. She's here as a guide for her slightly less mentally capable friend who has lost most of her sight. Like me, this first sighted lady is attempting to live as helpful and productive a life as she can. In addition to helping her friend here, she's managing to help just about everyone else around her while still having a good time herself. If nothing else, it gives me hope that there are other people out there like me who take what they're given and make the best of their situation. The ODSP Fireside list plus the failure of my Silver Smiles group to attract more than a few members had given me the impression that I was more one of a kind than I actually am. Thank God I was wrong about that. It's so good to have at least a smidgeon of long-term hope in the marriage department again. This lady and I don't appear to share enough interests for more than a friendship. Add to that the distance involved and there's not a ton of hope. Ultimately, I would certainly consider moving somewhere new for someone I loved but there's the whole process of finding out that she's worth it to go through first. I have a whole lot to be thankful for where I currently live and would much rather share that situation with someone than walk away from all I've started to build there.

It's been a very nice couple of days weather wise. I'm indoors at the moment sitting in the lounge with my netbook. I've spent the rest of the day other than around an hour this morning outside. The sun has felt great and the conversation has been plentiful. I'm expecting good weather to continue through the rest of the week. I've chosen two offsite trips to go on. I'm trying out the Band on the Bay trip which I believe takes us into Parry Sound to a sort of summer local concert series. .

It's now Tuesday morning. Monday was nice but long. I keep getting up early and not sleeping the full night through. Despite that, I feel pretty damned good. I enjoyed a coffee down in the administration centre and am now seated in the lounge. People will slowly start to congregate here as breakfast draws nearer. I won't spend quite so much time out in the sun today. Missed a few spots with sunscreen which are a tad toasted. I'll be going on a pontoon boat they have here in the afternoon. No real plans other than that. I've added a couple more people to my file of contacts. One guy seems very interested in keeping in touch and can hook me up with others closer to me. This certainly has possibilities. I'm doing far better with the whole contacts thing than in previous years. Perhaps, it's a sign of more interesting times to come.

Had a nap for an hour this morning and feel better for it. Hopefully, the later return from the band on the bay trip tonight will help insure a more solid sleep. Lunch will be in a little while. Breakfast was certainly good. Not certain I would have liked supper tonight but I'll be able to buy some food at the band on the bay venue.

It's Wednesday morning now. I got a somewhat better sleep after a wonderful Tuesday. I had good company for pretty much the entire time. The weather was great other than a sudden heavy rain which occurred while I was out on the pontoon boat cruise. It was still a fun ride and it's not like I melted or anything. While I attended the Band on the Bay, the talent show was taking place back at Lake Joe and a few people I've struck up friendships with decided to do one of my poems. I found a file which contained all my old poems. The one they chose was a short one I had completely forgotten about. Apparently, people liked it. The Band on the Bay was quite an excellent event. The Garage Band, in actuality a single band rather than the festival I originally supposed it to be, was quite good. It played a mix of contemporary and older hits which kept the audience of locals and ourselves quite entertained. It was also the occasion for a couple of beers, a very good barbecued hotdog and a Hagen dos ice cream bar. Haven't had one of those things in ages. I got to chat with a local couple who were curious about what life was like as a blind person. In such friendly circumstances, I can't say I mind wearing the blindness ambassadorial hat at all. Also, I got a chance to get to know a very special fellow named ethen Lu. I've avoided the use of names in this blog but will gladly make an exception in his case. He's a very musically gifted fellow from Taiwan. Having visited Canada for two years, he would very much like to stay and make his life here. However, unless something happens, he'll be forced to leave around the middle of next month. He very much likes sports and would like to make his living as a busker. I don't get the impression he thinks it likely that he will find happiness in Taiwan. I have no idea if any of my readers might be able to help him or point him to people who can. However, he liked the idea of my having made an audioboo of his piano playing and giving his email for people to write him. I didn't get to hear him play his accordion but was very impressed with his sure hand on the piano. His email is ethen1989@gmail.com
He would love to hear from anyone who can help him or who simply wish to get to know him. I, for one, hope he manages either to stay in Canada or apply to immigrate here from Taiwan. He's the decent sort of fellow you just can't help wanting to see prosperous and happy.

Wednesday morning passed by mainly pleasantly. One fellow who sat at lunch with us took exception to a lady's less than totally cheerful take on things and her not unreasonable complaint that there weren't any diabetic desserts. I sincerely hope that situation is rectified. It must be even harder on the diabetic kids hearing friends remark on the excellent baked desserts we're treated to here. By the way, the bread at Lake Joe is unfailingly awesome year after year. The fellow's nice enough but one of these "successes" who tends to think everyone should just get on with it, snap out of it, fit into some employed slot in the system of society just because he's managed to do it with low vision. It almost smacks of the same kind of desperate faith that says to the afflicted or suffering: "Believe enough, and you'll be miraculously healed." A lot of people just can't cope with others who are similar in some broad way to themselves but whose lives have taken different paths which seem less fortunate in their estimation. As usual, my blessing or curse was to be able to sympathize with both sides of the equation. I was wishing she would keep her misery to herself even as alarm bells sounded in my mind that I had made this mistake before. Selfishly, I wanted to enjoy my cream puff fully and always find it difficult when I learn that others aren't as well provisioned as yours truly. I haven't thought much about Rebecca as a general rule of thumb but she was brought forcefully to mind this afternoon. How often, despite knowing what I did about depression, had I wished with all my heart that she'd just snap out of it and enjoy the present? It was somewhat different with this lady. Not depression. Something, some basic capacity, was missing in her. He seemed completely oblivious and/or uncaring about the possibility. I had met this girl who lost her sight to a tumour some years before. I told the man while we jogged along that some people just aren't ready to hear that well-meant but damaging flog of "snap out of it." or move on. There wasn't really time for a protracted discussion and I've learned from experience just how hard it is to really get one of these folks to come to grips with the fact that we're all different and that the system simply doesn't work for all of us. Silently, I wondered whether he'd ask a man with no legs to run a marathon with equal gusto. She responds emotionally to things much as a child with each new event exerting powerfully on her current mood. I'll have to do some careful probing later but I have a strong suspicion here. Much like me with Rebecca, the only thing this man did by lecturing her at lunch was compound the problem. For much of the time, all I did for Rebecca by trying to show her the bright side of life was inflict even more damage making her feel worse than she already did. Intellectually, I think she agreed with me much of the time but that only made her feel worse for not being able to be cheerful. Some people just aren't capable of sucking it up and getting with the program. "Time doesn't stand still" was the line he tossed out like a kind of mantra as we walked I forget where. That's all too true. Instead of trying to help each other along, we tend to fling it at those who can't keep up with us like a kind of extra lash from a perfect future of belonging dangled forever out of our reach like the damned myth it actually is. At last, I can face that lash with restored dignity. Living this life lets me contribute my gifts to society in many ways. I've already helped countless people with my past efforts and remain confident that the projects I now work on will one day help more once they're completed. I have a church, friends and family who respect me as a person and the kind of life I try to lead. While I'm certainly open to opportunities to change my circumstances which don't involve the equivalent of jumping off a cliff, the days when I'd jump at absolutely anything in the name of gaining self-respect and that of others are long behind me. By no means am I letting life pass me by. I live a different life, but one that is no less worthy than others. I'm through feeling like I have to justify my unemployed status to people. I'm far more of the mind that society as a whole must justify it to me and many others besides. So much potential has been thrown away by this meaningless quest for self-sufficiency; So many people trampled and made to feel less than worthless despite all the good they do behind the scenes. I guess that's what I've come to hate the most. Even more than the opportunities out of reach, I detest coming up against these people whose accomplishments and personhood I fully respect but who don't respect anything we unemployed do which doesn't lead to our own financial independence. To do him justice, I believe he realized pretty quickly that I categorically reject the notion that I'm "letting life pass me by". He seems eager to keep in contact also and hook me up with people nearer to me. I'll certainly take him up on that. There may be some interim good I can do, or just perhaps, something larger might come out of it. You never know. As I say, he's a nice enough guy when you get past the probably unconsciously brusk exterior.

It's evening now. Everyone's off at Bingo. I have no use whatsoever for that game. Even slot machines are an improvement upon it since they don't require such prolonged attention. Give me substance! A group interactive role-play game perhaps, or some board game beyond the commonplace. A tradition that's very unlikely to change, Bingo night has probably been a widely cherished part of the Lake Joe experience since the very beginning. I'm in the welcome centre with my netbook and speakers. At last! I believe I've figured out what's going on with the unhappy lady. Over dinner, I gently put some questions to her about her life and hit the jackpot. Similar to Peter, an acquaintance of my past who also had a tumour removed, this woman has lost her sight and sense of smell completely. She has also effectively lost her childhood. Her earliest memory is of her mother leaning over the operating table just prior to the removal of the tumour. It's stunning when you stop and think of the implications of that. . She's in her early twenties and has literally lost all clear memories of growing up. She's lost all the countless experiences of interactions and circumstances that the rest of us take for granted when we emotionally assess things. She doesn't have the anchor of life experience which keeps us steady. When you look at it through that lens, I'm frankly amazed she's doing as well as she is. Learning to cope in a world without sight while trying to find her identity constitute a monumental path of challenges I can only dimly imagine despite my intimate familiarity with around half of what she faces. A lot more of the things she's said this week so far suddenly have a great deal more context. How would any of us cope without the memories of our formative years?

Poor Ethen lost his cane for a bit earlier today. I heard an anguished moan of worry and found him in the hall. He asked me to help look for his misplaced cane and handed me the key to his room. I felt everywhere in that room a cane could possibly think of hiding but found nothing to Ethen's increasing distress. Thankfully, a staff member was near and put out a radio call. She learned that Ethen had actually left his cane on the beach and it was soon back in his hands. However, I forgot that he had handed me his key and he went through another terrible moment's anguish thinking it was lost while searching for the cane. Once I realized I had two keys in my pocket and returned his, Ethen was once again his happy self. The whole experience struck me as somewhat quaint. I could imagine Aladdin in equal anguish after he found that his magic lamp had been given away to the enemy magician. He had no idea that the cane would prove so easily found. I think he was most worried that people would be angry with him for having misplaced the cane. Perhaps, they're harder to come by in his country.

It's Thursday morning. What an odd and slightly embarrassing end to Wednesday. By the time everyone showed up in the welcome centre for last-minute snacks, I was somewhat disengaged and tired. I found myself suddenly awake having fallen asleep in my chair with my computer and gear packed and slung over my shoulder. Doubtless, people will remember that with a degree of damnable mirth. Only fare I suppose. God knows I've gained plenty of dark amusement from the lapses of others over the years. As embarrassing as it was, this slight unexpected dip into the land of nod preceded a really excellent sleep. I feel very awake and ready for my final day here.

Today, I plan to meet for a conversation with an artist doing workshops here for the clients who, according to one of the staff here, would find my perspective and sense of place to be of much interest. I'm always happy to chat with creative people and will be interested in his impressions after a week's exposure to blind and visually impaired people. I've made some very good contacts here and had great conversations. Although I haven't come away from it with any profound nuggets for use in my game or book, I have gained a sense of social balance that I doubt I'll experience again for quite some time. There's just something wonderful about being able to find one's way around a place easily and find people to talk to pretty much whenever one desires company. I'll miss that. There are always a number of very pleasant people and a number of quite extraordinary ones. Unlike many, and after years of dashed hopes, I now count myself a member of both groups. I know I've turned an important corner over the past while. Coming here has shown me the fruits of all the inner reflection and wrestling. My patience, sense of self-worth, willingness to consider new endeavours, and more have all been put to the test and I've passed. I'm the me I want to be for myself and for others.

It's now Wednesday, July 13. This entry was supposed to conclude on Saturday with me home and settled reflecting on the remainder of my trip. Unfortunately, I seem to have brought back a bug of some sort with me. I've been ill for the past five days. Although still not fully recovered, I'm definitely well on the way there. This illness hit me with runny stuffy nose, body aches, and lethargy similar to last year's illness. This overpowering desire to lay down would come over me. I'd do so and then wake to discover that hours had passed. I've missed whole chunks of the past days like this. Thankfully, unlike last year, my hearing wasn't nearly so badly effected. I've missed out on a visit with the family, church, and volunteering at the Dam for this week. However, I'm glad I was able to enjoy my full vacation before it set in. By the end of the week, I ought to be back to my normal self.

Thursday was another terrific day. I got out to the beech for a while and then relaxed on the deck near the welcome centre. The artist was a fascinating man to talk with. There were two of them actually. While the clay bowl I made didn't make it back with me, Mike's contact information did. He thinks he may want my help editing his project blog about this larger program he's engaged in working with blind and low-vision people. He's keen to explore various forms of communication among other things. I could easily plough through a few beers and a pile of wings in such good company. The trip to the Legion got cancelled. We went there but it turned out to be closed. Some others went into Don Cherry's in Parry Sound but I chose to remain behind. It was a good choice. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with some excellent company and am perfectly glad to have foregone alcohol in exchange. Bought a new shirt instead of the booze in support of a good cause. A splendid final night at Lake Joe all around.

On the way home, my parents and I stopped off to see an old family friend. I haven't seen the man I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite there being no family relation other than good friend. He's a painter who could easily have also succeeded in being a comedian. He doesn't quite still sound like I remembered him sounding in years past but still keeps a keen wit about him. At one point, he was explaining how all this technology stuff which has been so central to my life just goes right past him. He told us how his son once tried to talk him into taking and using his old computer. Franc asked what he would do with it and his son described how he could store files and photos among other things. Franc suggested that he keep the computer and just leave the box. They could order pizza and then when it was done, he'd also have a laptop. As usual with Uncle Franc, you have to hear him say these things to get anything like the full effect. It was terrific to get to see him again. His daughter Michelle also stopped in to visit with kids of her own. It seemed so strange as she used to baby sit my brother and I way back when. I missed hearing the final shuttle launch live but was happy to learn later that the mission was off to a good start. Hearing history happen is one thing. Getting to visit with people who are an important part of one's own personal history is priceless.

Things are definitely on the mend with me now. I'm hopeful that I can stay awake for the whole day today. Didn't quite achieve that yesterday but came close. My nose is still a tad stuffed but I can taste and smell things again properly. Other than a brief pain when I cough, my throat has come through this in good shape. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my ears have come through this relatively unscathed. Things got muted over Sunday and Monday when things were at their worst but nothing like what happened last year. I think I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my Summer this year rather than sleep through its tail end like last year. For an excellent week away like I've had, I can deal with this current thankfully retreating illness.

During my waking hours, I've managed to read most of a nifty book in the CNIB library called 20th Century Ghosts. I thoroughly enjoyed the stories I heard but know that I've slept through a couple of large chunks. Because they were short stories, I don't feel nearly as bad as if I had missed gaping parts of a novel. Short stories are definitely the way to go when one is prone to nodding off without warning. I'll have to take another stab at writing a collection of those at some point. Other than working on this blog entry and getting mainly caught up on emails, I haven't accomplished a whole lot. Over the next day or two, I'll at last get around to sending initial emails to the people who have given me their addresses at Lake Joe. Meant to get to that a whole lot sooner than this, but things get a bit daft when chunks of day disappear on you. One thing I definitely have to do this week is order my next batch of groceries. one of the handy things about living so close to family is that mom was able to grab some fresh fruit and vegetables. I succeeded in my previous plan to end up with nothing in the fridge when I left which might have gone bad while I was away. This whole episode will have the beneficial effect of changing the timing of my major grocery orders to a far better monthly cycle. My Rogers bill is also paid up for the month thanks to earlier accidental overpayment. All of that should help nicely with the bank balance next month. Overall, the last five days not withstanding, I think this Summer is going wonderfully. I hope to be back out there taking my strolls around Lake Aquitaine quite soon, perhaps even by Friday. Given last night's cooking scare though, I'll err on the side of caution. That was an odd little episode. I set dinner cooking on the George Forman, set the timer on the talking microwave and sat at my desk to catch up on tweets while dinner cooked for fifteen minutes. I paused to relax for a moment and drifted away. The beeping of the timer brought me back around to hear the grill sizzling in the kitchen. Unfortunately, perhaps because of the horror book I had been reading, my mind came up with all sorts of other things which might have been the source of the sizzling prompting my adrenal glands to jump needlessly into action. Imagine going from days of drifting lethargy to fully ready to take drastic action in a split second as consciousness returned. Like suddenly falling off a cliff you had no idea you were on the edge of. Needless to say, I'm sticking to the microwave today. Think I'll quit this entry while I'm still ahead and get something guaranteed not to sizzle, like a cold glass of ice tea. That's the ticket.

Summer Life and Travel

Hello everyone. It's been quite a while since my last post. I've been on two trips which some might think complete opposites of each other. Both, however, were very inspirational and restorative. The first trip was the multiethnic conference in Grand Rapids Michigan. It was a long drive down there and back but the company was excellent. Things went quite well overall. I met and talked with a whole bunch of people who are interested in making my adopted denomination one which better shares power, resources, and leadership with all of the many diverse people who belong to it. If I came away with anything, it was a reminder of just how much room there is in God's kingdom. The workshops were interesting also giving a kind of overview of the many steps being taken to solve diversity issues faced by my denomination and others. With God pitching in and all of these good people and ideas, we'll get there eventually. What good one does by going to these events is somewhat difficult to quantify. While I've learned a lot myself, I find it hard to tell whether I contributed much. A whole lot of people took an interest in me as I went about with all my gadgets and such. I'm hopeful that perhaps, my perspective on people which isn't based on appearance may have given some folks there food for thought. Also, there were a number who were quite shocked that I could use an iPHONE and netbook. Perhaps, that will cause them to re-think any preconceptions they may have had of other ethnic groups. At long last, I finally was able to hear some of the resistance to change and inclusiveness up close. In some of the questions asked of presenters, you could hear the fear of change. How far would things go? What might have to be left behind? I still have material to go through from the workshops. I gave quite a number of people my contact information and very much hope to hear from some eventually. They're the kind of people who I'd be honoured to call friends.

My second trip was to Selkirk Ontario where I spent last weekend camping with five other fine folks including my friend Ron Schamerhorn. In contrast to the fast-paced hectic conference, there was plenty of time to relax and talk. I don't see most of these people between these excursions. However, over the years, they've become far more than simple camping companions due to the sheer dint of conversation we've had. Each of them is going at life a little differently. There's a couple who are trying to climb the career ladder while keeping a marriage going. They travelled with a friendly if excited little dog. As much as I enjoy petting her, I was also once again made profoundly thankful that I chose to go with a cane rather than a dog. They're like having a little kid around who you have to keep an eye on all the time. Not at all what I'd want in life without the compensations that come with raising an actual child. There was Ron, my friend who's pretty much in my position in life other than having a couple of nasty vices to deal with. He consumed far more beer than I did but seemed none the worse for it. Had I drank that much, I believe I would have been positively ill. He, on the other hand, maintained his faculties surprisingly well. The organizer of the camp is a happily single non-religious Jew who teaches mentally challenged kids. He very much enjoys these outings as occasions where he can say what he thinks without reprimand and blow off some steam. He's a very good cook even after alcohol has sunk its teeth into him. A polite Nova Scotian who has made Ontario his home was the last of my companions five. Always willing to help, he's the kind of guy who you'd cheerfully trust with your life. Very even-tempered and easy-going. There were a lot of differences but despite those, the group just seemed to glide through a most enjoyable weekend. It's interesting who fate throws together and who remains friends where others fall away. As usual, there were some misadventures. By the time I realized that my sleeping bag and pillow weren't in the tent, it was absurdly late and the man with keys to the truck where said articles were happened to be asleep. I thought I'd spare him the extra wake up since he hadn't slept well over the past while. I, for one, can strongly sympathize with what that's like and figured I'd be fine in my clothes. Drifting off more easily than I normally do, I was surprised to wake up shivering in the early hours of Saturday. It seems sleeping bags have their uses after all. Didn't think nearly so much wind would come into the tent as was the case. On Saturday night, I had a far more comfortable and solid sleep thanks to the sleeping bag and pillow. There was also the small but amusing incident, [to them], of my falling backwards out of a less than stable chair first thing in the morning with no alcohol required. The weekend was full of good-natured teasing and fun. I partially zoned out of a conversation and tried to reenter it with a bit of a non-sequitur earning me the nickname of Bananas. I profoundly hope that one doesn't stick. An annual trip with this bunch is something I wouldn't be a bit surprised to still be enjoying decades from now. Having a weekend with people who actually have time and inclination to talk to each other is an extremely enjoyable change from days spent in this apartment even if I've come to better terms with what passes for normal life.

There was a dinner and evening at the Dam on Monday. It combined a brief board meeting with a fellowship evening for all the volunteers and was very enjoyable. Learning a little about the actual effect we as an organization were having was most interesting. I also got to talk with a number of people who I volunteer with at some length. Any opportunity to get to know people in a relaxed fashion is most welcome. Tuesday was unexpectedly free since the Dam was closed for a staff meeting. I spent it doing laundry, tidying up around here, and ordering groceries. I also got in a walk around the lake before the rain started up. It took a little longer to do this grocery order since I've tried to adjust things to have as little wasted by my week away at Lake Jo and other trips like this weekend's as possible. Everything arrived yesterday with only a few substitutions. I'll just need to get some fruit and vegetables once back from vacation. This Summer is certainly draining my cash reserves more than I anticipated but I'll manage to enjoy it without going into debt or anything. After 2012, I'll be out of my TV and Internet contract with Rogers and be able to scale those back gaining extra wiggle room that way. I don't use TV all that much these days and would switch to a basic package now if there weren't a penalty to pay for doing that. I may also be able to go with a lighter Internet package although that'll require some further consideration over the next while. It gets easier to understand what drives many of my fellow ODSP recipients over that edge of inpatient hopelessness where they stop caring if they go into debt and spend for a moment's enjoyment. I thank my lucky stars that my father taught me what being in debt was like before it really mattered. Not being compelled to spend on cigarettes or alcohol are two more precious advantages I have. I'm ever so glad that neither of those addictions have gotten the better of me. My nature drives me more in the direction of a clear steady mind that would rather escape into a book or game than a bottle any day. I'll never even entertain the notion of trying cigarettes, but certainly enjoy a good drink. Perhaps, I'm more cautious with alcohol than I need to be. Eight beers proved an extravagant enjoyment for my camping weekend while others consumed three times as much. I simply like to remember my good times and savour the taste of beer rather than any buzz. For a time after Janene walked away from me, I fell into the trap of using alcohol as a means to try to escape from time itself letting myself zone out rather than face yet another empty dull afternoon. However, I learned that the price was a kind of lingering heavy frustrated lethargy which prevented the enjoyment of more time which could have been better used were I not under its effects. I don't believe I'll fall into that trap again now. Patience and discipline are worth their weight in gold when you live a life like this.

It's Thursday afternoon now. I've been pecking at this blog entry for quite some time. The rain is hammering down on my balcony railing but none is blowing in through my open screen door. You almost feel like you're cheating nature hearing so much force, being able to stand out beyond your door without getting drenched for reckless impudence. I've grown very fond of my balcony. It adds a very welcome dimension of space which I couldn't have appreciated until I had one in my own dwelling here. Cabin fever would have been far more an issue for me over the last year had my apartment not included one.

Each trip this Summer has given me quite a lot to think about. I know that eventually, these experiences will make their way into my creative writing projects and autobiographical book. Events like the conference just have so much packed into them that it's hard for me to properly document them as they occur. Others like the camping trip demand a certain circumspection when blogging about them. This weekend, I'm off to visit Michelle and Jerry. They were the two friends who I haven't seen in eight years who discovered me on Facebook. This will be my first visit their way. I'll be staying overnight and beginning the process of teaching them more about their computers. Both Michelle and Jerry have managed to get onto Twitter themselves although I expect there are some finer points to help them with. I'll be bringing my netbook along to help give them more of a crash tour of what kinds of things are available and accessible to them. It'll be interesting to see how this more extended get-together goes. We've led very different lives. Neither of them are as well read as I am nor so prone to deep thinking. Especially when teaching them about computers, I'll have to be very mindful that they likely aren't going to know things that I've come to take for granted over the years. There should be lots to talk about as I become more familiar with what their normal lives are like, but I could be wrong. At least I've found two people who are interested in attempting serious friendship. That's more than I can say for most residents of my building. From force of habit, I remove the chain lock each morning on the off chance someone should knock. Nobody ever has though. It's simply a habit born of misplaced hope. Despite all the changes over the past while, I still often go days without opening my apartment door. I certainly won't be going out today with all the rain that's been coming down. Glad I got out yesterday with dad for a nice brunch at Symposium Cafe. Their burgers and martinis are still as awesome as ever. The staff are friendly as they always have been despite all the changes in management over the years. It's good to have a place like that which I can reach on my own.

In a little over a week, I'll be going on my trip to Lake Joseph. Things are pretty much in hand regarding that. I'll take up pretty much the same stuff as last year. Granted, there is a whole lot more on my netbook in terms of audio and music. I recently bought a bunch of Patrick O'hearn's music. I was impressed by a number of pieces I heard on Sky FM's new age Internet radio station over the past while and I hadn't added to my library of instrumental music in quite some time. If nothing else, I'll at least have a week among people who share some of my audio interests. Lets just hope they're in possession of more of their faculties than some notable ones were last time. A week of good conversation among people who have at least shared some of my experiences in life would do a whole lot of good. There's always the slight hope that I'll come away with some new friends or perhaps even something more. A very slight hope given the distances around Ontario people come to Lake Joseph from, but you never know. it's happened before to more than just me. There hasn't been so much as a nibble from either of the dating sites I'm still on. I've laid my cards out on those tables as best I might and done all that I think worth doing on those sites. Either it'll happen or it won't. Meanwhile, there are a lot of perks to enjoy as a single man. One of which is rediscovering and reading books one has read before. I've been going through the Rift War saga again by Raymond E. Feist. The CNIB digital library has them all narrated by a fantastic English guy who more than does them justice. I guess they've got some sort of deal with the RNIB these days. Long may that partnership continue. Those books have done a great deal to bring a sense of companionship and adventure to the many hours which have otherwise lacked this quality in real modern life.

Well I guess that pretty much brings you up to date. Not much has happened on the writing front although I've done a little work on the online dating chapter of my autobiographical book. Also, I've come up with a few new place ideas for enchantment's Twilight. Nothing tremendous, but I'll take every little bit of progress I can get these days and be very thankful for it. As to insomnia, I've been doing quite well in the sleep department lately. All the activity of the past while has gotten me feeling very good about things in general. But for a lack of creative ideas, I feel at the top of my game.