Life After Janene

Hello everyone. I've gotten almost no sleep at all so forgive the likely long-winded nature of this entry. Last evening, Janene decided to break up with me. I don't think I've ever experienced such sudden anguish. She took me to Symposia's and we had one last coffee together. I knew our relationship had suffered as a result of all the work and school she was preoccupied with but I had absolutely no idea this was coming at all. I truly thought the love we had found prior to this would see us through. I felt like the future just imploded on me. My mind just short-circuited in there. I hope I didn't say anything harsh to her or the waiter. Neither deserve that at all.

Janene made it as clear as she could that it wasn't about my shortcomings but about her needing time on her own to find her new direction in life. That's probably the nicest way to break up with somebody there is. What's more, I know she meant it. We were honest enough with each other that I can trust her on that front. She has given me a taste of genuine true love. Even as I sit here in private pain of the worst kind, I can't help but be grateful for her bringing that into my life for a short while. We had some fantastic times together which I'll always remember. She showed me that there are some sighted people out there who can see past disabilities, lack of money and employment. I don't feel the same sense of bleak hopelessness that I once did when searching for love in the sighted world. Statistically, given my last experience before Janene came along, I know I'm in for a long hard slog through rejection or simply being ignored. However, I know that God won't let all my love, patience and compassion go to waste. He'll open another door of some sort when he thinks I'm ready. I just have to keep on knocking. It'll be a little while before I start that up in earnest again.

Meanwhile, I've got to try to recombobulate somehow and keep moving forward. I frankly don't have the heart to keep working on the game at the moment. Nore do I think I'll be able to do much other creative writing besides blog entries and correspondence. I feel all twisted up inside and absolutely ancient at the same time. I'll get back to my creative work once I've picked up life's pieces and time has healed me up a bit. Given that, it looks like the mobility agenda gives me the greatest chance to soldier on productively and perhaps even meet some new people along the way. Visiting with friends more often and getting to them under my own power would at least make for a bit more of an active life. I may also look into going to Lake Jo this Summer after all just to have something to sharply contrast with normal life to look forward to. It may not be too late yet.

Before I close off this very painful entry, I have a few final words for Janene that I couldn't say earlier. You offered your sincere friendship and that's certainly a worthy consolation prize. It's not the first time that has been offered me by somebody who decided to walk away from a possible close life-long relationship. It will probably eventually be the first time I accept such an offer. However, when I think of you as I no doubt often will, I first have to be able to see past the happy life I believe we could have lived together. That's going to take time and change in life circumstance beyond what I can imagine at the moment. Farewell for now. When you find yourself again as I have absolute faith that you will, I hope you find a good companion who can see your worth as I still can despite the anguish. Sooner or later, you'll very likely hear from me again. I don't relish the thought of good people like you being absent from my life. The very best of luck to you, my former true love.