rainy afternoon

Hello again everyone. It's a rainy slow Sunday afternoon. Thought I'd drag you along for a slice of it with me. Last night's get-together with Mark and Wendy was excellent as always. We went out to dinner at South Street Burgers and they use New York fries. I haven't had those in ages and enjoyed them thoroughly. The burger was first-rate also. After that, we went to Stony Creak Ice Cream where I treated for dessert. I hadn't thought about how long it's been since I enjoyed ice cream standing outside with a couple of good friends. The conversation was as stimulating as ever. Mark has a very dry sense of humour which plays off Wendy's tendency to take things literally in interesting ways. Both of them are also ready to hear a little about my frustrations. Even a good listener like me needs people like that from time to time.

I'm in a much better frame of mind about life than I was when last I wrote. It's damned easy to fall into the trap of not enjoying what we have and focusing on what we don't. This is particularly the case once you've experienced and then lost a woman's love. Thankfully, the service at church today helped me see that frustration in myself for what it was. I was starting to get bitter at how no woman would even give me a chance while people who behaved far worse than I seem to have no problem finding them. I've got an old school friend who's a perfect case in point. He's gotten drunk enough to be dangerous, irresponsible enough to accumulate a tremendous credit card debt. Despite this, he has a subsidized apartment of his own. He has an ex-girlfriend with child. They don't even know who the father is and he's already found a new girlfriend. As thankful as I am to have avoided such sheer messiness in my life, the question stands. I just can't help thinking that surely, there's a woman out there for someone as loyal, responsible and easy-going as me. If other less scrupulous people can seemingly go through them like some sort of bag of chips, why doesn't one come along who would truly be willing to settle down with me? You read and hear about even worse situations women find themselves in all the time. While I've always felt sorry for them, the thought that if they had just given me the ghost of a chance at a better life with them, they wouldn't be in their predicament is all too often present. There doubtless is one out there who could find me worthy of that kind of commitment and love. However, that doesn't mean that God will just move her to find me because I happened to think that he ought to. The pastor today pointed out the difference in "deserving" something and being found worthy of something. Love is something that we can only hope to be found worthy of. It's not about how hard one tries to live a good life although I still contend that this puts one in an ultimately better path for long-term happiness. Love is a force for good which goes far beyond that. We're such complex creatures that it's a wonder it happens at all. There are just so many aspects to our individual lives that finding two who connect in that way is akin to winning a lottery. I've put myself out there as much as it's humanly and economically possible for me to do now. I've left no stone unturned there. Other than try to make the best of life with all its frustrations, there's nothing else I can really do. Nobody truly deserves to have another's love bestowed upon them. It's a gift of unmatched splendour we can never earn.

Having things in this clearer perspective doesn't get rid of my frustration entirely. I miss those long, deep and often late-night conversations with someone who truly appreciated where I was coming from. I know that I'll never again be as able to be satisfied with my life as a single man. There'll be times when my frustration will get the better of me. However, my poise and a degree of patience with my situation has been restored to me for now. I'm beginning to have more confidence that God has given me enough support to get me through these rough patches of too much solitude. Solitude and writer's block are a particularly bad combination. My family can't really help all that much since these feelings are so strongly tied in with having a life of my own apart from them which circumstance has largely denied me. I'm just glad they're able to understand that it isn't their fault and that I don't love them any less.

That rain certainly hasn't gotten rid of the humidity out there. I've been lethargically plodding through this afternoon. Sky FM's new age music station has proved quite excellent listening as I've written this, checked email, etc. I have a bunch of podcasts I haven't gotten around to hearing just yet. No tremendous luck on POF or eHarmony. However, a 23-year-old Floridian woman has added me to her favourites for some unknown reason. That's quite a distance away but it certainly makes a nice difference than the 50+-year-olds who seem to appreciate my writing enough to do that. Perhaps, there is someone my age who shares enough of or respects my outlook on things enough to want to take the next step. I can but hope and soldier on. Thanks to a very good sermon and two very good friends, I feel far more able to do so with the balanced equinimity I'm more used to having.