Hello everyone. Ever since friday, I've once again found myself with the prospect of long-awaited and hoped for profound life change dangled in front of me. There's a good possibility that an apartment in Mississauga will be made affordable to live in for me by the government. Counting the time I spent married, I've been waiting around ten years. One of the major pressure factors which killed the marriage was the lack of affordable housing. The only opportunity which ever came for us happened soon after we had signed a year-long leace which there was no legal way out of. This time, presuming my application is accepted by the landlord, nothing like that will get in the way. I can simply plunge into the batchler's life I was ready for when I separated from Rebecca. At last, I would have a place I could truly think of as my home. All the living skills I have will at last be put to good use again in a kitchen and apartment arranged with my needs and ease of life in mind rather than my parents. I'd at last have my own place to have guests where I could take proper care of them. Also, knowing where I was to live on a permanent basis, I could look into volunteer opportunities requiring a long-term commitment. Any time I spent learning routes to get places would be time well invested since my situation wouldn't be subject to change coming out of the blue.
My parents and I went to see the apartment on sunday afternoon. Frankly, I would be very hard pressed to imagine a better place for me. It's far more spacious than I would have expected. The elevator and laundry feature raised buttons so I wouldn't have to label everything in braille. Also, regarding laundry, the machines are coin-operated. No more worrying about a card running out unexpectedly. The oven has dials so I could actually use it. The place is also relatively near my church as well as the Meadowvale Town Centre where Symposium Cafe is. Learning to walk to my parents' house wouldn't be too hard either. The balcony is also big enough to have a few guests out on it in suitable weather. After the colder reception I've experienced in other potential places, it was very refreshing to have the woman I met there think positively rather than assume I was incapable or worry what I might damage.
Now, I've filled out the application and am waiting to find out whether it's approved by the landlord. The experience on sunday afternoon was so positive that I had dared to think that perhaps, the long delayed winds of change were about to at last blow my way. Everything felt so right about the place. There are at least a few more disabled people living there so it's not like I'm in the trail-breaking position. Nice to have a bit of a break from that now and then. As more time passes, I find that the optimism I had is somewhat dwindling. There's no real rational reason for this. My credit rating is quite good since I always pay off my credit card right away. You'd think that would count in my favour. I have no criminal record which should also help. All I need is for a complete stranger to say "yes". That might seem like much more of a sure thing even after the nail-biting wait now well into its second day had I not so recently been abandonned by a woman who I had every reason to trust would marry me. I've gone from thinking that this opportunity was too good to be true to an optimism for the future I wasn't certain I would ever feel again, and now, I'm at an awkward midpoint hanging by a thread. Will this possibility also vanish? The answer is utterly outside my control.
Even for a man known for his patience as I seem to be, this waiting is hard. I couldn't do creative writing to save my life. I have to first know whether I can at last move on or whether I'll be stuck here one step removed from proper adult life for God knows how much longer. Yesterday, I read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I had heard that Peter Jackson, who did such a marvelous job with the LOTR trillogy, was the director for a film based on Alice's novel. The novel wasn't my usual cup of tea but certainly passed the time wonderfully. It has an interesting take on the afterlife where people have their own versions of heaven which intersect each other in places. I won't wreck the story for anybody. However, it's certainly worth the read. When faced with situations where so much of one's future is outside one's control, it helps to keep my gripes and worries in proper perspective. As restricted by circumstance as I feel, I can at least enjoy my family and friends. Things may not be ideal, but reading that book and hearing the most recent From Our Own Correspondents podcast from the BBC, I know that I'm still comparatively quite fortunate. Doubtless, the film of The Lovely Bones will turn out alright. Hard to imagine Peter screwing anything up too terribly. Today, while waiting for that fateful phonecall, I have a number of podcasts to go through. So far, email hasn't proved to be very interesting. That could change as Christmas draws a little closer.
I'm very thankful that the holidays are so close. Should this chance for change be snatched away from me as the last one was, I'll at least have that to cushion the letdown. Also, I at last know that I'm on a position in the waiting list where people are actively looking for a place for me to live. Until last friday, I had absolutely no idea if I was even close to the top. It's nice to have at least the knowledge that my entrapment in this comfortable place on life's sidelines is finally that one step closer to being over. Thankfully, time isn't dragging despite having only five hours of sleep. I'm not too tired. However, I don't think I'll be playing any accessible games today. I don't have that kind of focus. Books, tv and podcasts will have to carry me through until the suspense ends one way or the other. When that happens, I won't keep you, my faithful readers, waiting overly long.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
schooo's out!
Hello everyone. I'm back at home after my last mobility leson. I believe I've now learned the route to the Symposium Cafe as well as I'm going to. Five months, numerous batteries and something approaching three gigs worth of recorded lessons and independent practice walks later, reaching this point has been a long time coming. With Ray's help and the guidance of the Trekker Breeze, I can now go there for meals or simply an afternoon drink. It's a damned good feeling. You can check out the site for the restaurant which wil serve as my new social haven in the real world at:
http://www.symposiumcafe.com/
Yesterday's brunch with Minnie was terrific fun. I managed to get there in plenty of time. She had no trouble finding me and we enjoyed omelets, toast and potatoes. She sounds just the same in person as she did last time we got together. Hopefully, it'll be a shorter time between visits this time. We must have been there eating and talking for a couple of hours. A very pleasant way to spend a morning. Having a female friend I found in life there to share the experience with has at last completed the process of moving on with life after losing Janene. It's been quite a long road. Near the beginning of the Summer, a neighbour sympathetically offered that cliche about being at square 1.2 rather than back to square one. At the time, I thought it was about as far from the truth as one could get. Time seemed to have be gripped in absolute stagnant frustrated despair of my life ever changing at all. If a woman could come to love me and still end up ultimately walking away, what cause did I have for hope at all? I felt so confined and discontented with circumstances that I remember being somewhat surprised at the well-meaning neighbour's remark. I figured that it must be visually obvious that I had been sent back far into negative squares. Now, at long last, I believe I really have arrived at suare 1.2. I have somewhere to actually go on my own where there's at least a chance of new developments taking place outside my family. I can come and go there on my own terms. Treeting her to brunch was an absolute pleasure. I had wanted to do that with someone all Summer.
Minnie came back with me wanting to see how my Trekker Breeze worked and how I got places. She seemed quite impressed. We sat on the patio out back for a while enjoying a cold drink. She met my father who is still getting used to being at home more of the time now that he's retired. It always feels somewhat strange having friends over. Once you've lived in your own place, one's parents' home just isn't yours any longer no matter how much they might wish that it were. My parents don't mind me having people over at all and likely wish I would more often. Yet, it just always has that sense of intruding on someone else's domain. for the foreseeable future though, it's just how things are going to be.
In the evening, I went out with Adam for a meal and gaming cession. Turtle Jack's did an excellent job of my barbecue chicken salad. Unfortunately, I had been awake since five yesterday morning and ran out of mental steam around ten o'clock or so. I believe I got a better sleep today.
In around a month, I'll be heading to Winnipeg for a trip to see some relatives. Other than that, there's really nothing else ahead of me. Life will revolve around working on Enchantment's Twilight, going to church, seeing friends, and walking over to Symposium once or twice a week to break up the stale routine. There'll be CBC Radio1, the BBc, NPR, documentaries, and podcasts as well as music to keep my ears and mind occupied. Enough, I hope, to keep me open to new ideas and interesting to other people. This Summer has certainly shown me that there's no way of fending off the ordinary other than being as ready as one can be for the extraordinary. I've at last made it out of that hellish emotional valley to a point where I can actually practice what i preach again finding the positive in life on a more constant basis. It feels very good indeed to be back in that zone of being once again.
http://www.symposiumcafe.com/
Yesterday's brunch with Minnie was terrific fun. I managed to get there in plenty of time. She had no trouble finding me and we enjoyed omelets, toast and potatoes. She sounds just the same in person as she did last time we got together. Hopefully, it'll be a shorter time between visits this time. We must have been there eating and talking for a couple of hours. A very pleasant way to spend a morning. Having a female friend I found in life there to share the experience with has at last completed the process of moving on with life after losing Janene. It's been quite a long road. Near the beginning of the Summer, a neighbour sympathetically offered that cliche about being at square 1.2 rather than back to square one. At the time, I thought it was about as far from the truth as one could get. Time seemed to have be gripped in absolute stagnant frustrated despair of my life ever changing at all. If a woman could come to love me and still end up ultimately walking away, what cause did I have for hope at all? I felt so confined and discontented with circumstances that I remember being somewhat surprised at the well-meaning neighbour's remark. I figured that it must be visually obvious that I had been sent back far into negative squares. Now, at long last, I believe I really have arrived at suare 1.2. I have somewhere to actually go on my own where there's at least a chance of new developments taking place outside my family. I can come and go there on my own terms. Treeting her to brunch was an absolute pleasure. I had wanted to do that with someone all Summer.
Minnie came back with me wanting to see how my Trekker Breeze worked and how I got places. She seemed quite impressed. We sat on the patio out back for a while enjoying a cold drink. She met my father who is still getting used to being at home more of the time now that he's retired. It always feels somewhat strange having friends over. Once you've lived in your own place, one's parents' home just isn't yours any longer no matter how much they might wish that it were. My parents don't mind me having people over at all and likely wish I would more often. Yet, it just always has that sense of intruding on someone else's domain. for the foreseeable future though, it's just how things are going to be.
In the evening, I went out with Adam for a meal and gaming cession. Turtle Jack's did an excellent job of my barbecue chicken salad. Unfortunately, I had been awake since five yesterday morning and ran out of mental steam around ten o'clock or so. I believe I got a better sleep today.
In around a month, I'll be heading to Winnipeg for a trip to see some relatives. Other than that, there's really nothing else ahead of me. Life will revolve around working on Enchantment's Twilight, going to church, seeing friends, and walking over to Symposium once or twice a week to break up the stale routine. There'll be CBC Radio1, the BBc, NPR, documentaries, and podcasts as well as music to keep my ears and mind occupied. Enough, I hope, to keep me open to new ideas and interesting to other people. This Summer has certainly shown me that there's no way of fending off the ordinary other than being as ready as one can be for the extraordinary. I've at last made it out of that hellish emotional valley to a point where I can actually practice what i preach again finding the positive in life on a more constant basis. It feels very good indeed to be back in that zone of being once again.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Taking Stock
Hello, everyone. It's Saturday afternoon. Although still bitterly disappointed at Janene's decision to end our engagement, I believe I've regained the bulk of my equalibrium. My sleeping will take a while to get back to true normal but I've been in far worse shape in that department. Poor Ron was extremely tired Thursday when I came to see him. The afternoon was somewhat lackluster. However, dinner with Mark and James was quite excellent. Those two managed to move the evening along very nicely indeed. Ron slept through the TV we watched despite the excellent company. His friends know him well enough not to hold that against him. The next day, Ron was in far better shape. We had an excellent time. I treeted him to lunch and introduced him to a few audio dramas including the Sherlock Holmes series.
Mark was quite surprised that Janene broke up with me. He remembered how appreciative she had been that I didn't judge her on her appearance and saw her for who she was as a person. Finding somebody else who'll do that shouldn't be too much trouble for her when she's truly ready to commit to a marriage. She works hard and is a very conscientious person. That must display itself visually somehow. I just hope she eventually stops holding slights from the past in her mind and bringing up things already apologised for as ammunition. She may indeed forgive people for their ill-spoken words but she doesn't let you forget them. That's a kind of unhealthy mental weight which causes a great deal of damage; a kind which does indeed make a bad impression with me. Letting things go is a very necessary part of the art of forgiveness as much for one's own peace of mind as it is for those of us who occasionally do and say hurtful things. One should absolutely confront people who have caused pain with their misdeeds. However, there has to come a point of letting things lie firmly in the past.
Will I ever be able to start over with Janene as a friend? That's likely to remain an open question for some time. How things ended was just so arbitrary. She just dropped me like a rotten egg right when there would have been time to work on the relationship. Perhaps, after I've either found somebody new who has no problem with my reacquainting with an ex lover or I at last find myself in a different life situation, things will look different on that score. Right now, she's the woman I was prepared to start and share a whole new life with and step out of my safety zone for only to find that I wasn't ultimately worth more than friendship after all. She's a very loyal and good friend and it seems so wasteful not to take her up on her offer. However, I invested too much hope, trust, and love in what we could have had together. I'd always be thinking of love lost. Part of the hesitation also stems from the unhealthy relationships I've observed in the blind community between exes where people just haven't completely seemed to let go and move on. However, it seems to be the thing to do in the sighted world these days. Perhaps, it's yet another bit of my old-fashioned stoginess which I'll eventually just get past.
Thankfully, breaking up an engagement does indeed seem to be different than ending a marriage. I don't feel that same sense of utter failure and paralisis which plagued the months following the end of my marriage to Rebecca. Single life has taken me up into its clutches again. Instead of resenting having nothing to do on a Saturday, I'm glad of a time to reflect and take stock. While I don't for a moment believe Janene correct when she said that I sell myself too short, there are definitely one or two areas where I'll aim for a better fit when I resume the hunt for someone to share my life with. I've already covered the holding a grudge thing. I don't have a lot of patience for rehashing old slights. Another area has to do with my love of listening to audio material such as audio dramas. Very early on in our relationship, it became clear that Janene just wasn't all that interested in those. She would always rather watch TV with my parents even when it completely bored me. There's so much I would loved to have shared and discussed with her. As much as I want to journey more into the sighted world with someone special, I also want to feel that my audatory world adds meaningfully to her life over a longer term. The only other major question has to do with the amount of stress and/or change in life. I consider myself fortunate to be broken off with because she wants time to live as a single rather than because of somebody else or a serious issue with me. Ron has gone through that pain and I certainly don't envy him one bit. Regardeless, I would just as soon not go through that kind of raw pain of having a relationship broken off again if I can help it. It might fade to manageable levels more quickly but it's still damnably sharp and takes a toll. A substantial part of my overall optimism and trust has been worn away by this experience. Although I still very much feel that marriage is my best and most fulfiling way forward in life, I don't know how many more times I can go through this kind of break-up before just calling it a day and resigning myself to making the best of being single for life.
Financially, I've come out of this quite well. I've just put some of the money I had been saving for the wedding towards taking advantage of a fantastic sale for Systemaccess. Basically, for around $299 US, I get a screen-reader licensed for two computers plus a flashdrive. I have to get a new flashdrive having apparently lost my 8-gig one somewhere. However, I'll be able to plug that into any Windows computer and it'll come up talking. If I ever decide to get a Braille display, it can handle that too. Best of all, it will be updated free for life. I never have to pay for an SMA again. Depending on how well these folks keep their screen-reader updated, I may never need to bother with ADP again. I'll just be able to purchase a computer like anybody else and get it talking. I'll keep my current Jaws version around for the games and other things which Systemaccess can't deal with as well. One of said things is Winamp. It's certainly useable but Jaws's scripts offer a lot more functionality there. Still, I'm already starting to get used to the differences.
My folks are off babysitting in Hamilton tonight so I'm going to grab a TV dinner and eat it while listening to some news in a while. Looking at the Lake Jo schedule for this Summer, I see a few possibilities for a week away. This week, I'll give them a call and see what's actually still available. The digital recorder hasn't arrived yet. However, it's been paid for and should be on the way. It'll be good to get started on this audio documentary idea soon. Making certain that ODSP and other folks have my new phone number before I lose the one I currently use is another top priority for this week. After the 22nd, I'll just have the cell phone. I still find it hard to conceive of my desk without a regular phone on it. All this change. I just wish I had more of a sense that it was leading me somewhere new. Intelectually, I know that it will eventually. I'll learn a whole lot over the next while working on this project. However, the main thrust of it has well and truly been pulled out from under me like a rug. I just have to keep believing that all this will put me right where God wants me to be so that I can do the most good.
Mark was quite surprised that Janene broke up with me. He remembered how appreciative she had been that I didn't judge her on her appearance and saw her for who she was as a person. Finding somebody else who'll do that shouldn't be too much trouble for her when she's truly ready to commit to a marriage. She works hard and is a very conscientious person. That must display itself visually somehow. I just hope she eventually stops holding slights from the past in her mind and bringing up things already apologised for as ammunition. She may indeed forgive people for their ill-spoken words but she doesn't let you forget them. That's a kind of unhealthy mental weight which causes a great deal of damage; a kind which does indeed make a bad impression with me. Letting things go is a very necessary part of the art of forgiveness as much for one's own peace of mind as it is for those of us who occasionally do and say hurtful things. One should absolutely confront people who have caused pain with their misdeeds. However, there has to come a point of letting things lie firmly in the past.
Will I ever be able to start over with Janene as a friend? That's likely to remain an open question for some time. How things ended was just so arbitrary. She just dropped me like a rotten egg right when there would have been time to work on the relationship. Perhaps, after I've either found somebody new who has no problem with my reacquainting with an ex lover or I at last find myself in a different life situation, things will look different on that score. Right now, she's the woman I was prepared to start and share a whole new life with and step out of my safety zone for only to find that I wasn't ultimately worth more than friendship after all. She's a very loyal and good friend and it seems so wasteful not to take her up on her offer. However, I invested too much hope, trust, and love in what we could have had together. I'd always be thinking of love lost. Part of the hesitation also stems from the unhealthy relationships I've observed in the blind community between exes where people just haven't completely seemed to let go and move on. However, it seems to be the thing to do in the sighted world these days. Perhaps, it's yet another bit of my old-fashioned stoginess which I'll eventually just get past.
Thankfully, breaking up an engagement does indeed seem to be different than ending a marriage. I don't feel that same sense of utter failure and paralisis which plagued the months following the end of my marriage to Rebecca. Single life has taken me up into its clutches again. Instead of resenting having nothing to do on a Saturday, I'm glad of a time to reflect and take stock. While I don't for a moment believe Janene correct when she said that I sell myself too short, there are definitely one or two areas where I'll aim for a better fit when I resume the hunt for someone to share my life with. I've already covered the holding a grudge thing. I don't have a lot of patience for rehashing old slights. Another area has to do with my love of listening to audio material such as audio dramas. Very early on in our relationship, it became clear that Janene just wasn't all that interested in those. She would always rather watch TV with my parents even when it completely bored me. There's so much I would loved to have shared and discussed with her. As much as I want to journey more into the sighted world with someone special, I also want to feel that my audatory world adds meaningfully to her life over a longer term. The only other major question has to do with the amount of stress and/or change in life. I consider myself fortunate to be broken off with because she wants time to live as a single rather than because of somebody else or a serious issue with me. Ron has gone through that pain and I certainly don't envy him one bit. Regardeless, I would just as soon not go through that kind of raw pain of having a relationship broken off again if I can help it. It might fade to manageable levels more quickly but it's still damnably sharp and takes a toll. A substantial part of my overall optimism and trust has been worn away by this experience. Although I still very much feel that marriage is my best and most fulfiling way forward in life, I don't know how many more times I can go through this kind of break-up before just calling it a day and resigning myself to making the best of being single for life.
Financially, I've come out of this quite well. I've just put some of the money I had been saving for the wedding towards taking advantage of a fantastic sale for Systemaccess. Basically, for around $299 US, I get a screen-reader licensed for two computers plus a flashdrive. I have to get a new flashdrive having apparently lost my 8-gig one somewhere. However, I'll be able to plug that into any Windows computer and it'll come up talking. If I ever decide to get a Braille display, it can handle that too. Best of all, it will be updated free for life. I never have to pay for an SMA again. Depending on how well these folks keep their screen-reader updated, I may never need to bother with ADP again. I'll just be able to purchase a computer like anybody else and get it talking. I'll keep my current Jaws version around for the games and other things which Systemaccess can't deal with as well. One of said things is Winamp. It's certainly useable but Jaws's scripts offer a lot more functionality there. Still, I'm already starting to get used to the differences.
My folks are off babysitting in Hamilton tonight so I'm going to grab a TV dinner and eat it while listening to some news in a while. Looking at the Lake Jo schedule for this Summer, I see a few possibilities for a week away. This week, I'll give them a call and see what's actually still available. The digital recorder hasn't arrived yet. However, it's been paid for and should be on the way. It'll be good to get started on this audio documentary idea soon. Making certain that ODSP and other folks have my new phone number before I lose the one I currently use is another top priority for this week. After the 22nd, I'll just have the cell phone. I still find it hard to conceive of my desk without a regular phone on it. All this change. I just wish I had more of a sense that it was leading me somewhere new. Intelectually, I know that it will eventually. I'll learn a whole lot over the next while working on this project. However, the main thrust of it has well and truly been pulled out from under me like a rug. I just have to keep believing that all this will put me right where God wants me to be so that I can do the most good.
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