Hello everyone. It's a somewhat brisk windy monday morning. I've had quite a spectacular weekend. On saturday, I thought I'd go out and get a walk round the lake in before the day got rainy as was forecasted. I met a very nice lady named Carine who has recently moved into the area. She lives very amicably with her ex-boyfriend Kevin. They seem to have negociated through any awkwardness and just got on with being good friends and housemates. Could I just put aside Janene's having decided not to marry me and simply be friends with her should she call one day? I don't think so. We crossed so many lines and went so much farther than simple friendship that anything less than a life-long commitment just seemed like such hollowness. For me, it's more an all or nothing thing. Had she refused my engagement ring on that weekend I offered it to her, there may have been room to retreet to friendship gracefully if not painlessly. Once we were engaged, that window just closed for me. Her subsequent walking away from me simply hurt too damned much. Somehow, these two have managed to keep a very high level of trust and friendship.
Carine was originally going to see her long-distance boyfriend but that never panned out. I suspect some texts sent to each other got lost somehow. Not being one to text with my own phone, I don't know how common or rare a problem that is. The end result was that she ended up going out for lunch with me to Symposium Cafe while hoping, worrying and waiting for a text from him regarding their planned outing. That never came so she spontaneously decided to go to Canada's wonderland with Kevin and I. They had season passes and I got a day pass from Shopper's Drug Mart. Kevin's a great guy who I felt very comfortable around very quickly. We all just seemed to click remarkably well right off the bat. There was none of that "Oh gosh! He's blind! What do I do?" hesitation at all. We just started relating and enjoying the day. I doubt they have any idea whatsoever of just how long I've been hoping something like this would happen or just how refreshing their attitude towards me was. Who'd have thought that a decision to take a walk around the lake rather than just make a bacon and egg brunch and get on with another solitary saturday would lead to such a fun and successful day? It makes up for a whole lot of frustrating lonely time when stuff like this happens.
It was fantastic to be back in the theme park I knew so well as a child. I haven't been back since that trip I wrote about in A Life of Word and Sound. By far, the Bohemoth is the best new ride and best rollercoaster I've ever been on. It's smooth, the drops are thrillingly steep, and the turns are exciting without feeling the need to thwack your head into the restraints. It's even got some actual length to it and you don't walk away feeling like the ride wasn't worth waiting in line for. Of course, that waiting is made tremendously more pallitable by the company one keeps. In that department, I was in very good hands indeed. I very much look forward to getting to know Carine and Kevin better over the next while. There are so many occasions where you know people don't mean to follow through with friendship, getting together and such. This doesn't feel like such an occasion. They both struck me as interested in hanging out on future occasions.
In another major development, I've ultimately decided to explore the possibilities of a serious long-distance relationship with Janet, the very helpful lady who I met at Lake Joe. She seemed very interested in my being her boyfriend right from the start and remains so now. I was somewhat indecisive due to the distance involved. We won't be able to just go for coffee or short visits. Both of us are on ODSP and have the same financial constraints. She understands that I'm ultimately after a marriage and would prefer she moved in with me here. I want something more than just loving words. I want a life lived together with someone who respects my efforts contributing to society. Someone who doesn't negate my positive attitude or cripple my ability to be friends with and give to other people. Here in this apartment and community, I've finally begun to truly set down roots and build a life worth sharing. I'm also close to family. I doubt I'd ever get such a suitable subsidised apartment again should I leave this one. Ultimately, I suppose I'd be willing to but the level of convincing I'd need that I wouldn't be left high and dry would be formidable. Perhaps, as some people suggest, that slow build-up of confidences and conversation will lead to a relationship built on a better foundation. I'd have to eat my words and old ideas about how frought with uncertainty and anxt such relationships seem bound to be. God has certainly delighted in proving me wrong many times before. I, in turn, have typically been very delighted to be corrected. There's still a whole lot of uncertain territory to explore. However, it's high time to try something new. God knows I've tried damned near everything which seems the least bit sensible and sain to me by this stage. You'd think one of the 600 or so women more local to me would have taken me up on the long-standing offer to treet for coffee, or perhaps, on a long shot, someone from my church. But no! It's a lady from Peterborough with a learning disability who has somehow gleanned enough about me over a week in an abnormal environment to find me worth pursuing seriously. Go figure. I certainly have a good sense that our core values match up well. We're both Christians who go to church regularly. Both of us have come to terms with where society has stuck us and decided to make the best of the situation rather than spend time being bitter. We both deeply value time with our friends and the whole art of friendship. Both of us have an innate sense of responsibility to others around us and try to be helpful whenever possible. She has a good sense of humour and doesn't get all upset when teased. All that seems quite promising. However, there's still a lot of ground to cover in terms of finding common interests. When a good book absorbs me for hours at a stretch, is she going to be interested also, have her own equally absorbing amusement which bores the liver out of me, or be pulling her hair out in frustration wishing I wasn't such a damned deep thinker? How about when insomnia rouses me from bed at absurd o'clock in what can only generously be called morning? And then, of course, there's how irritable I get when writer's block sticks around for an extended visit. Having a cheerful partner who pulls me away from the keyboard and helps me engage more with the rest of life at such times would certainly be helpful there. Unlike Rebecca, there won't be any conflict between my efforts to contribute to the world despite not getting paid for it. Janet admires my drive to do what good I can with the talents and time I have. She instinctively seems to have approached her own life in much the same way. Neither of us want children so that's another big source of dissatisfaction among couples out of the way. Those are just some of the things to be explored as much as long distance allows. Due to our week at Lake Joe, I've had the chance to determine that I find her physically attractive. She certainly seems to find me to be so.
This Summer has been truly profound for me. Hard on the bank balance but very restorative to the soul. I even begin to hope that this winter won't be quite so solitary as prior ones. Even if things do spread out more evenly in the year socially speaking, I suspect that Summer will always be a more active and expensive season for me. Things really seem to be permanently changing for the better though. I have a much greater sense of starting to fit in, like I'm building a life rather than rolling around like a ball too large to ever fall into a hole.
It's now tuesday morning. Been up since around four this morning but I'm feeling pretty good despite that. Yesterday was laundry day for the most part plus some writing plus other bits of stuff. Never got out for a walk but I'll be doing that today to the Dam and back barring sudden bad weather. My legs have long since recovered from my impromptu expedition to Canada's Wonderland. In a while, I'll make myself a nice bacon and egg brunch. I've finally polished off all the pineapple and strawberries for this order of groceries so it's on to the oranges. Just for variety and in case the oranges go bad, I have some of those fruit cups in the fridge. Grocery Gateway is owned by Longo's and they're quite rightly known for their quality fresh fruit among other things. It's rare that I have to throw anything out other than potatoes.
I was very sad to hear of the death of Jack Layton yesterday. He was such a caring thoughtful man that even the prospect of a Conservative majority government didn't worry me too greatly with him leading the opposition. I've grabbed his book, Speaking Out, Ideas that Work for Canadians. The CNIB digital library had it in accessible mp3 format. I've read the beginning and think I'm in for some thought-provoking stuff. I've no doubt that he planned ahead for this eventuality and that the NDP will live up to what Canadians who voted mainly for Jack expect of them. It must be so hard on his family. He never got to enjoy retirement with them like my parents are able to do. When you've spent so much of life having empty days blend into each other, it's always a bit of a shock when time runs out on someone so deserving of more. Rest in peace, Jack. You and I were after the same sort of community-based country and world where people aren't tossed aside in the name of the bottom line.
Family will be taking centre stage in my own life over the next while. My grandmother is coming for a visit tomorrow. She'll be staying with my parents for a few days before we take her to her sister Kay in Bright Ontario. It'll be Kay's 91st birthday in early September and at some point between now and then, my Uncle Neil and Aunt Cathy will be staying with mom and dad so they can join the celebration. It's been quite a while since I've seen either of them. It'll certainly make for a very different September this year. Everything feels different and fresh these days. Different and absolutely wonderful.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
A Most Splendid Season
Hello everyone. It's past time I got another blog entry out to you all. The past while has been both on the whole pleasant and busy. I've fully gotten over my illness and been back to the Dam each week. I find these Summer hours somewhat slow. If anything, the kids seem more occupied and full of energy which means there's less opportunity for me to really get engaged in other than keeping a hopefully helpful ear on things. In the autumn, I'll begin staying later on tuesdays to help lead discussions on various issues. I keenly look forward to that. It'll be of immense help when the teens are actually present in order to talk about something.
I should be sleeping right now. Did a walk today, got together with Shirley for a long overdue catch-up chat, and haven't even eaten much. I've played every damned card I have other than taking my sleeping medication of choice, a cheep Graval knock-off. Took it last night and got a good sleep but wanted to be up and not groggy for church... later this morning. My brain just refuses to wind down and let me sleep. It's ten to fucking three! Wanted to get a blog entry out long before this, august 7th, but the words just never worked out.
Other than this sleping difficulty, I've had a terrific if expensive time this summer sans the week after getting back from Lake Joe. My desktop computer is now busy converting my Audible books into more easily navigable MP3 files. Had Audible just spared a moment's thought for blind people who, ... oh, just might be their most captive loyal audience on the planet and made it possible to navigate their books as they were read in Windowsmedia on a Windows machine, I wouldn't have had to do this. Thank God I've got this netbook. It'll be around another day or so before it's done and I started the process yesterday afternoon. I'm converting all three of the Dream Park novels and hope Audible eventually does the Moon Maze Game, the fourth long-awaited book in the series. Now that I've bought DRMbuster which can convert the books into MP3s, Audible is at last worth belonging to for me. The iPHONE app also works great and thankfully allows blind people the same latitude of navigation as sighted folks. I'm going to cancel my Samnet subscription to be able to afford Audible. I really haven't used it as much as I thought I would. The descriptive movies are nice but the chat community has simply dried up. Everyone's in the game room and nobody seems to simply look for a good conversation anymore. Not unless there's three different other things to be doing at the same damned time. The art of friendship seems to be changing drastically if not exactly dying.
It's now the morning of the 10th. Still haven't exactly kicked the insomnia to the curb but I'll live. My next order of groceries will be arriving soon. That could see me through the rest of the month but it would be a stretch. We'll see how that goes. Now that people are coming back from their vacations as Summer heads into the final stretch, the likelyhood of guests increases. I'm having one tomorrow who'll be staying for a few days. Stephen Murgaski, blind adventurer extraordinaire and my good friend since early grade school is coming to visit. It'll be great to have him here and catch up more fully with everything. I've been seeing more of Doug and Nann lately. Got to meet a couple of their good friends including one who I previously just read emails about. It'll be a hoot to return the favour and introduce them to Steve this week. They've heard a fair bit about him but didn't get to meet him durring his last visit. Yesterday was a great day at the Dam which made up for so much dead time there. I got into good conversations with two of the youth for basically the whole afternoon. One girl chatted with me for most of that time, a good two hours or so. For the first time in quite a while, I enjoyed that sensation of being at the right place at the right time and being able to do a good job. I think I made some serious headway, or at least a good beginning with each of them. The rain cleared up so I was able to walk back from the Dam. Didn't get lost this time. Once it locked on, the Trekker worked perfectly.
This is an exceptionally enjoyable Summer for me. I've felt a lot more drawn into the community here. I've always found comfort and security in being well known. That seems to surprise a good number of people who cling to privacy like it's some sort of refuge that could disappear all too easily. The better I'm known around here, the safer I am as I go about. Plus, if I'm ever going to find a job or get another crack at marriage some day, it'll most likely be because people know me as a kind compassionate person willing to pitch in and help out however I can. One lady who said hello to me on the path around the lake didn't give me her name. What was I going to do other than know how to address her? Launch a name-seeking missile her way or something? People just don't seem to have time for community and haven't the foggiest idea what they've been turning away from. Given enough information, I can be of real help to people, a contributing part to their lives rather than simply a man with a cane to look out for. Especially to the folks whose English could do with some improvement. I've had numerous residents in the building who fall into that category expend considerable effort in asking me how I cook my food. They don't seem to give a tinker's cuss about anything else so long as I don't seem likely to burn the building down. Wonder how many of them smoke while they're less than fully alert. If I thought for a moment that they'd understand the reply; "Well a lot of blind people use ordinary or talking appliances like microwaves, George Forman grills and such. Me, I've come to truly cherish my flamethrower." I'd be ever so sorely tempted to use it at times. I hate it when people leave with a one-dimensional impression of me. Thankfully, that phenominon is at last being balanced by more people actually getting to know somewhat more about me. I'm very much enjoying being more a part of the community rather than the human equivalent of a strange bug under a microscope. I'm hopeful that things will keep getting better here over the years as more people slowly learn more about me and I them.
The groceries are all stowed away. I at last have actual buns for the burgers I never got around to eating. However, I forgot to order salad dressing for my vegies. Oops. Still feels good to be all stocked up. The delivery person was a woman this time. First I can remember for Grocery Gateway. Would have been interesting to talk to her more. She's only been working there for six weeks. There's a little tidying up to do yet but on the whole, I'm nice and ready for company tomorrow. That increased activity will, I hope, allow me to at last ditch the insomnia for a while.
During the Summer, my church is doing a series of questions asked by God of his people in the bible. The challenge is to come up with our own answers. Most people are submitting them on cards anonimously. I plan to do an article with an answer for the newslettres published by the church over the next months. It'll be good to have something like that to do on a regular basis. I'm hoping it'll help stave off writer's block a tad. The church has certainly continued to be a very positive factor in life for me. I attempted to walk there a couple of weeks ago and succeeded despite not having used the route since I learned it last year. The Trekker Breeze gave me enough information to keep me on track and remind me of what I would have forgotten. It took around an hour to get there. Didn't stand much during the service. The legs certainly felt stiff for a while. All the walking I've done this year has certainly paid off. I'm feeling quite good overall even while contending with insomnia. Having things to look forward to in my calendar helps also. I'm finally able to use my iPHONE's calendar effectively. Took a bit of tinkerring but I figured it out in true manly fashion without recourse to the manual.
I have no doubt I've left out some events I might have blogged about had I gotten to this entry sooner. There have certainly been more visits and things than in previous years. Twitter has also helpped tremendously to keep the edge off the more solitary days. For a while, all we heard about in the news was the phone hacking scandal. That's at last been brushed away by these crazy riots in London as well as the unsteady world economic situation. Those riots must be something else to live near. You'd think people would show a bit more sense. Smashing and burning businesses isn't going to make things better for anybody. I hope we're not in for another global recession. We've just barely poked our heads out of the last one. Although my current personal circumstances would bennefit from falling prices as they did during the last one, I would prefer to live in a world where people are more hopeful and where effort is more rewarded. It's one thing if I face the hopelessness I have. It's something else entirely when people all around me face the same difficulties and fear losing all they've worked so hard for. There probably is a danger that in a particularly long deep recession, ODSP and housing cuts could seriously effect me. Although they didn't lower my income during the last recession, I presume such cuts are always a possibility. For now though, I can enjoy the rest of the Summer confident that I'll be able to put some money away for the next Summer over the winter. Things should work out alright barring any unexpected events.
Finally got to see Allison and my three nieces again. Dan was busy working. They've had quite a good summer also. They went camping for the first time right when the heet wave was in full force. We were all a bit worried about how Alleah would do. As things turned out, they all had a great time and will be going camping again later in the month. Wasn't certain how well that kind of trip away from the comforts of home would go over with Ava and Amia but they seem to have enjoyed it. Later this month, my grandmother is coming so I expect to be doing quite a bit with the family nearer the end of August. That's always an interesting break from the normal.
I should be sleeping right now. Did a walk today, got together with Shirley for a long overdue catch-up chat, and haven't even eaten much. I've played every damned card I have other than taking my sleeping medication of choice, a cheep Graval knock-off. Took it last night and got a good sleep but wanted to be up and not groggy for church... later this morning. My brain just refuses to wind down and let me sleep. It's ten to fucking three! Wanted to get a blog entry out long before this, august 7th, but the words just never worked out.
Other than this sleping difficulty, I've had a terrific if expensive time this summer sans the week after getting back from Lake Joe. My desktop computer is now busy converting my Audible books into more easily navigable MP3 files. Had Audible just spared a moment's thought for blind people who, ... oh, just might be their most captive loyal audience on the planet and made it possible to navigate their books as they were read in Windowsmedia on a Windows machine, I wouldn't have had to do this. Thank God I've got this netbook. It'll be around another day or so before it's done and I started the process yesterday afternoon. I'm converting all three of the Dream Park novels and hope Audible eventually does the Moon Maze Game, the fourth long-awaited book in the series. Now that I've bought DRMbuster which can convert the books into MP3s, Audible is at last worth belonging to for me. The iPHONE app also works great and thankfully allows blind people the same latitude of navigation as sighted folks. I'm going to cancel my Samnet subscription to be able to afford Audible. I really haven't used it as much as I thought I would. The descriptive movies are nice but the chat community has simply dried up. Everyone's in the game room and nobody seems to simply look for a good conversation anymore. Not unless there's three different other things to be doing at the same damned time. The art of friendship seems to be changing drastically if not exactly dying.
It's now the morning of the 10th. Still haven't exactly kicked the insomnia to the curb but I'll live. My next order of groceries will be arriving soon. That could see me through the rest of the month but it would be a stretch. We'll see how that goes. Now that people are coming back from their vacations as Summer heads into the final stretch, the likelyhood of guests increases. I'm having one tomorrow who'll be staying for a few days. Stephen Murgaski, blind adventurer extraordinaire and my good friend since early grade school is coming to visit. It'll be great to have him here and catch up more fully with everything. I've been seeing more of Doug and Nann lately. Got to meet a couple of their good friends including one who I previously just read emails about. It'll be a hoot to return the favour and introduce them to Steve this week. They've heard a fair bit about him but didn't get to meet him durring his last visit. Yesterday was a great day at the Dam which made up for so much dead time there. I got into good conversations with two of the youth for basically the whole afternoon. One girl chatted with me for most of that time, a good two hours or so. For the first time in quite a while, I enjoyed that sensation of being at the right place at the right time and being able to do a good job. I think I made some serious headway, or at least a good beginning with each of them. The rain cleared up so I was able to walk back from the Dam. Didn't get lost this time. Once it locked on, the Trekker worked perfectly.
This is an exceptionally enjoyable Summer for me. I've felt a lot more drawn into the community here. I've always found comfort and security in being well known. That seems to surprise a good number of people who cling to privacy like it's some sort of refuge that could disappear all too easily. The better I'm known around here, the safer I am as I go about. Plus, if I'm ever going to find a job or get another crack at marriage some day, it'll most likely be because people know me as a kind compassionate person willing to pitch in and help out however I can. One lady who said hello to me on the path around the lake didn't give me her name. What was I going to do other than know how to address her? Launch a name-seeking missile her way or something? People just don't seem to have time for community and haven't the foggiest idea what they've been turning away from. Given enough information, I can be of real help to people, a contributing part to their lives rather than simply a man with a cane to look out for. Especially to the folks whose English could do with some improvement. I've had numerous residents in the building who fall into that category expend considerable effort in asking me how I cook my food. They don't seem to give a tinker's cuss about anything else so long as I don't seem likely to burn the building down. Wonder how many of them smoke while they're less than fully alert. If I thought for a moment that they'd understand the reply; "Well a lot of blind people use ordinary or talking appliances like microwaves, George Forman grills and such. Me, I've come to truly cherish my flamethrower." I'd be ever so sorely tempted to use it at times. I hate it when people leave with a one-dimensional impression of me. Thankfully, that phenominon is at last being balanced by more people actually getting to know somewhat more about me. I'm very much enjoying being more a part of the community rather than the human equivalent of a strange bug under a microscope. I'm hopeful that things will keep getting better here over the years as more people slowly learn more about me and I them.
The groceries are all stowed away. I at last have actual buns for the burgers I never got around to eating. However, I forgot to order salad dressing for my vegies. Oops. Still feels good to be all stocked up. The delivery person was a woman this time. First I can remember for Grocery Gateway. Would have been interesting to talk to her more. She's only been working there for six weeks. There's a little tidying up to do yet but on the whole, I'm nice and ready for company tomorrow. That increased activity will, I hope, allow me to at last ditch the insomnia for a while.
During the Summer, my church is doing a series of questions asked by God of his people in the bible. The challenge is to come up with our own answers. Most people are submitting them on cards anonimously. I plan to do an article with an answer for the newslettres published by the church over the next months. It'll be good to have something like that to do on a regular basis. I'm hoping it'll help stave off writer's block a tad. The church has certainly continued to be a very positive factor in life for me. I attempted to walk there a couple of weeks ago and succeeded despite not having used the route since I learned it last year. The Trekker Breeze gave me enough information to keep me on track and remind me of what I would have forgotten. It took around an hour to get there. Didn't stand much during the service. The legs certainly felt stiff for a while. All the walking I've done this year has certainly paid off. I'm feeling quite good overall even while contending with insomnia. Having things to look forward to in my calendar helps also. I'm finally able to use my iPHONE's calendar effectively. Took a bit of tinkerring but I figured it out in true manly fashion without recourse to the manual.
I have no doubt I've left out some events I might have blogged about had I gotten to this entry sooner. There have certainly been more visits and things than in previous years. Twitter has also helpped tremendously to keep the edge off the more solitary days. For a while, all we heard about in the news was the phone hacking scandal. That's at last been brushed away by these crazy riots in London as well as the unsteady world economic situation. Those riots must be something else to live near. You'd think people would show a bit more sense. Smashing and burning businesses isn't going to make things better for anybody. I hope we're not in for another global recession. We've just barely poked our heads out of the last one. Although my current personal circumstances would bennefit from falling prices as they did during the last one, I would prefer to live in a world where people are more hopeful and where effort is more rewarded. It's one thing if I face the hopelessness I have. It's something else entirely when people all around me face the same difficulties and fear losing all they've worked so hard for. There probably is a danger that in a particularly long deep recession, ODSP and housing cuts could seriously effect me. Although they didn't lower my income during the last recession, I presume such cuts are always a possibility. For now though, I can enjoy the rest of the Summer confident that I'll be able to put some money away for the next Summer over the winter. Things should work out alright barring any unexpected events.
Finally got to see Allison and my three nieces again. Dan was busy working. They've had quite a good summer also. They went camping for the first time right when the heet wave was in full force. We were all a bit worried about how Alleah would do. As things turned out, they all had a great time and will be going camping again later in the month. Wasn't certain how well that kind of trip away from the comforts of home would go over with Ava and Amia but they seem to have enjoyed it. Later this month, my grandmother is coming so I expect to be doing quite a bit with the family nearer the end of August. That's always an interesting break from the normal.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Lake Joe and Aftermath, July 2-13
Hello everyone. Things are off to a good start up here at Lake Jo this year. There are a number of excellent people to talk to and no real bad or unwittingly annoying apples. My roommate is a nice enough if somewhat unfocussed fellow. He doesn't seem to use his cane at all. It just leans in a corner of the room while he follows people around everywhere. He's definitely got mental issues but they're thankfully of the more tame variety. I'm having quite a relaxing time here although my sleeping has yet to return to normal. Had a very poor sleep Saturday night but a very good one if somewhat badly timed last night. It's now Monday morning. I've just done my first online check of email and such. Nothing has happened yet to cause message traffic to spike so I won't check again for a couple of days. It would be damned nice if they finally got proper wifi up here even if only in the welcome centre. I always have to pull the cable from another computer and hook it into mine. I helped a young lady make a phone call using my Skype and it would have been ever so much more convenient were I able to do that from more places around here.
There are a number of pairs of people with the same name and it would be ever so devilishly amusing to get them all together unexpectedly in conversation somehow. At least five or six pairs of similarly named people. Not quite like the class I was in which had six of us Mikes in it. Supply teachers never knew what hit them. Those were the days.
Looks like the food here is going to be up to its usual excellent standards. Other than the first dinner which was pasta, I've enjoyed pretty much everything. I don't know what whoever was in charge of choosing the juice glasses to be used this year was smoking though. They're tiny things. I usually go through two or three in a meal and don't feel at all competent to pour into them while at a crowded table. I'm a pretty steady hand when it comes to pouring so that's saying something. They should have stuck those glasses in the cabin washrooms and chosen larger glasses which actually encourage those not expert in the art to try. Spills and misses are pretty much a given with glasses like these at the table. I have no other gripes with the kitchen or food at all. However, why is there only one set of shelves in each cabin? I can live without closets and dressers but for heaven's sake! At least give each client his/her own set of shelves. Thank goodness my roommate is able to keep who has what on which shelf straight.
Not certain if I'll end up with any new long-term friends but there are at least some hopeful prospects and I'm definitely in for a week of good conversation. A couple of nice ladies seem quite interested in keeping in touch but they're out in Peter borough and I have no idea how far away that is. Guess we'll see how things go. One of them is fully sighted but on ODSP due to learning difficulty. She's here as a guide for her slightly less mentally capable friend who has lost most of her sight. Like me, this first sighted lady is attempting to live as helpful and productive a life as she can. In addition to helping her friend here, she's managing to help just about everyone else around her while still having a good time herself. If nothing else, it gives me hope that there are other people out there like me who take what they're given and make the best of their situation. The ODSP Fireside list plus the failure of my Silver Smiles group to attract more than a few members had given me the impression that I was more one of a kind than I actually am. Thank God I was wrong about that. It's so good to have at least a smidgeon of long-term hope in the marriage department again. This lady and I don't appear to share enough interests for more than a friendship. Add to that the distance involved and there's not a ton of hope. Ultimately, I would certainly consider moving somewhere new for someone I loved but there's the whole process of finding out that she's worth it to go through first. I have a whole lot to be thankful for where I currently live and would much rather share that situation with someone than walk away from all I've started to build there.
It's been a very nice couple of days weather wise. I'm indoors at the moment sitting in the lounge with my netbook. I've spent the rest of the day other than around an hour this morning outside. The sun has felt great and the conversation has been plentiful. I'm expecting good weather to continue through the rest of the week. I've chosen two offsite trips to go on. I'm trying out the Band on the Bay trip which I believe takes us into Parry Sound to a sort of summer local concert series. .
It's now Tuesday morning. Monday was nice but long. I keep getting up early and not sleeping the full night through. Despite that, I feel pretty damned good. I enjoyed a coffee down in the administration centre and am now seated in the lounge. People will slowly start to congregate here as breakfast draws nearer. I won't spend quite so much time out in the sun today. Missed a few spots with sunscreen which are a tad toasted. I'll be going on a pontoon boat they have here in the afternoon. No real plans other than that. I've added a couple more people to my file of contacts. One guy seems very interested in keeping in touch and can hook me up with others closer to me. This certainly has possibilities. I'm doing far better with the whole contacts thing than in previous years. Perhaps, it's a sign of more interesting times to come.
Had a nap for an hour this morning and feel better for it. Hopefully, the later return from the band on the bay trip tonight will help insure a more solid sleep. Lunch will be in a little while. Breakfast was certainly good. Not certain I would have liked supper tonight but I'll be able to buy some food at the band on the bay venue.
It's Wednesday morning now. I got a somewhat better sleep after a wonderful Tuesday. I had good company for pretty much the entire time. The weather was great other than a sudden heavy rain which occurred while I was out on the pontoon boat cruise. It was still a fun ride and it's not like I melted or anything. While I attended the Band on the Bay, the talent show was taking place back at Lake Joe and a few people I've struck up friendships with decided to do one of my poems. I found a file which contained all my old poems. The one they chose was a short one I had completely forgotten about. Apparently, people liked it. The Band on the Bay was quite an excellent event. The Garage Band, in actuality a single band rather than the festival I originally supposed it to be, was quite good. It played a mix of contemporary and older hits which kept the audience of locals and ourselves quite entertained. It was also the occasion for a couple of beers, a very good barbecued hotdog and a Hagen dos ice cream bar. Haven't had one of those things in ages. I got to chat with a local couple who were curious about what life was like as a blind person. In such friendly circumstances, I can't say I mind wearing the blindness ambassadorial hat at all. Also, I got a chance to get to know a very special fellow named ethen Lu. I've avoided the use of names in this blog but will gladly make an exception in his case. He's a very musically gifted fellow from Taiwan. Having visited Canada for two years, he would very much like to stay and make his life here. However, unless something happens, he'll be forced to leave around the middle of next month. He very much likes sports and would like to make his living as a busker. I don't get the impression he thinks it likely that he will find happiness in Taiwan. I have no idea if any of my readers might be able to help him or point him to people who can. However, he liked the idea of my having made an audioboo of his piano playing and giving his email for people to write him. I didn't get to hear him play his accordion but was very impressed with his sure hand on the piano. His email is ethen1989@gmail.com
He would love to hear from anyone who can help him or who simply wish to get to know him. I, for one, hope he manages either to stay in Canada or apply to immigrate here from Taiwan. He's the decent sort of fellow you just can't help wanting to see prosperous and happy.
Wednesday morning passed by mainly pleasantly. One fellow who sat at lunch with us took exception to a lady's less than totally cheerful take on things and her not unreasonable complaint that there weren't any diabetic desserts. I sincerely hope that situation is rectified. It must be even harder on the diabetic kids hearing friends remark on the excellent baked desserts we're treated to here. By the way, the bread at Lake Joe is unfailingly awesome year after year. The fellow's nice enough but one of these "successes" who tends to think everyone should just get on with it, snap out of it, fit into some employed slot in the system of society just because he's managed to do it with low vision. It almost smacks of the same kind of desperate faith that says to the afflicted or suffering: "Believe enough, and you'll be miraculously healed." A lot of people just can't cope with others who are similar in some broad way to themselves but whose lives have taken different paths which seem less fortunate in their estimation. As usual, my blessing or curse was to be able to sympathize with both sides of the equation. I was wishing she would keep her misery to herself even as alarm bells sounded in my mind that I had made this mistake before. Selfishly, I wanted to enjoy my cream puff fully and always find it difficult when I learn that others aren't as well provisioned as yours truly. I haven't thought much about Rebecca as a general rule of thumb but she was brought forcefully to mind this afternoon. How often, despite knowing what I did about depression, had I wished with all my heart that she'd just snap out of it and enjoy the present? It was somewhat different with this lady. Not depression. Something, some basic capacity, was missing in her. He seemed completely oblivious and/or uncaring about the possibility. I had met this girl who lost her sight to a tumour some years before. I told the man while we jogged along that some people just aren't ready to hear that well-meant but damaging flog of "snap out of it." or move on. There wasn't really time for a protracted discussion and I've learned from experience just how hard it is to really get one of these folks to come to grips with the fact that we're all different and that the system simply doesn't work for all of us. Silently, I wondered whether he'd ask a man with no legs to run a marathon with equal gusto. She responds emotionally to things much as a child with each new event exerting powerfully on her current mood. I'll have to do some careful probing later but I have a strong suspicion here. Much like me with Rebecca, the only thing this man did by lecturing her at lunch was compound the problem. For much of the time, all I did for Rebecca by trying to show her the bright side of life was inflict even more damage making her feel worse than she already did. Intellectually, I think she agreed with me much of the time but that only made her feel worse for not being able to be cheerful. Some people just aren't capable of sucking it up and getting with the program. "Time doesn't stand still" was the line he tossed out like a kind of mantra as we walked I forget where. That's all too true. Instead of trying to help each other along, we tend to fling it at those who can't keep up with us like a kind of extra lash from a perfect future of belonging dangled forever out of our reach like the damned myth it actually is. At last, I can face that lash with restored dignity. Living this life lets me contribute my gifts to society in many ways. I've already helped countless people with my past efforts and remain confident that the projects I now work on will one day help more once they're completed. I have a church, friends and family who respect me as a person and the kind of life I try to lead. While I'm certainly open to opportunities to change my circumstances which don't involve the equivalent of jumping off a cliff, the days when I'd jump at absolutely anything in the name of gaining self-respect and that of others are long behind me. By no means am I letting life pass me by. I live a different life, but one that is no less worthy than others. I'm through feeling like I have to justify my unemployed status to people. I'm far more of the mind that society as a whole must justify it to me and many others besides. So much potential has been thrown away by this meaningless quest for self-sufficiency; So many people trampled and made to feel less than worthless despite all the good they do behind the scenes. I guess that's what I've come to hate the most. Even more than the opportunities out of reach, I detest coming up against these people whose accomplishments and personhood I fully respect but who don't respect anything we unemployed do which doesn't lead to our own financial independence. To do him justice, I believe he realized pretty quickly that I categorically reject the notion that I'm "letting life pass me by". He seems eager to keep in contact also and hook me up with people nearer to me. I'll certainly take him up on that. There may be some interim good I can do, or just perhaps, something larger might come out of it. You never know. As I say, he's a nice enough guy when you get past the probably unconsciously brusk exterior.
It's evening now. Everyone's off at Bingo. I have no use whatsoever for that game. Even slot machines are an improvement upon it since they don't require such prolonged attention. Give me substance! A group interactive role-play game perhaps, or some board game beyond the commonplace. A tradition that's very unlikely to change, Bingo night has probably been a widely cherished part of the Lake Joe experience since the very beginning. I'm in the welcome centre with my netbook and speakers. At last! I believe I've figured out what's going on with the unhappy lady. Over dinner, I gently put some questions to her about her life and hit the jackpot. Similar to Peter, an acquaintance of my past who also had a tumour removed, this woman has lost her sight and sense of smell completely. She has also effectively lost her childhood. Her earliest memory is of her mother leaning over the operating table just prior to the removal of the tumour. It's stunning when you stop and think of the implications of that. . She's in her early twenties and has literally lost all clear memories of growing up. She's lost all the countless experiences of interactions and circumstances that the rest of us take for granted when we emotionally assess things. She doesn't have the anchor of life experience which keeps us steady. When you look at it through that lens, I'm frankly amazed she's doing as well as she is. Learning to cope in a world without sight while trying to find her identity constitute a monumental path of challenges I can only dimly imagine despite my intimate familiarity with around half of what she faces. A lot more of the things she's said this week so far suddenly have a great deal more context. How would any of us cope without the memories of our formative years?
Poor Ethen lost his cane for a bit earlier today. I heard an anguished moan of worry and found him in the hall. He asked me to help look for his misplaced cane and handed me the key to his room. I felt everywhere in that room a cane could possibly think of hiding but found nothing to Ethen's increasing distress. Thankfully, a staff member was near and put out a radio call. She learned that Ethen had actually left his cane on the beach and it was soon back in his hands. However, I forgot that he had handed me his key and he went through another terrible moment's anguish thinking it was lost while searching for the cane. Once I realized I had two keys in my pocket and returned his, Ethen was once again his happy self. The whole experience struck me as somewhat quaint. I could imagine Aladdin in equal anguish after he found that his magic lamp had been given away to the enemy magician. He had no idea that the cane would prove so easily found. I think he was most worried that people would be angry with him for having misplaced the cane. Perhaps, they're harder to come by in his country.
It's Thursday morning. What an odd and slightly embarrassing end to Wednesday. By the time everyone showed up in the welcome centre for last-minute snacks, I was somewhat disengaged and tired. I found myself suddenly awake having fallen asleep in my chair with my computer and gear packed and slung over my shoulder. Doubtless, people will remember that with a degree of damnable mirth. Only fare I suppose. God knows I've gained plenty of dark amusement from the lapses of others over the years. As embarrassing as it was, this slight unexpected dip into the land of nod preceded a really excellent sleep. I feel very awake and ready for my final day here.
Today, I plan to meet for a conversation with an artist doing workshops here for the clients who, according to one of the staff here, would find my perspective and sense of place to be of much interest. I'm always happy to chat with creative people and will be interested in his impressions after a week's exposure to blind and visually impaired people. I've made some very good contacts here and had great conversations. Although I haven't come away from it with any profound nuggets for use in my game or book, I have gained a sense of social balance that I doubt I'll experience again for quite some time. There's just something wonderful about being able to find one's way around a place easily and find people to talk to pretty much whenever one desires company. I'll miss that. There are always a number of very pleasant people and a number of quite extraordinary ones. Unlike many, and after years of dashed hopes, I now count myself a member of both groups. I know I've turned an important corner over the past while. Coming here has shown me the fruits of all the inner reflection and wrestling. My patience, sense of self-worth, willingness to consider new endeavours, and more have all been put to the test and I've passed. I'm the me I want to be for myself and for others.
It's now Wednesday, July 13. This entry was supposed to conclude on Saturday with me home and settled reflecting on the remainder of my trip. Unfortunately, I seem to have brought back a bug of some sort with me. I've been ill for the past five days. Although still not fully recovered, I'm definitely well on the way there. This illness hit me with runny stuffy nose, body aches, and lethargy similar to last year's illness. This overpowering desire to lay down would come over me. I'd do so and then wake to discover that hours had passed. I've missed whole chunks of the past days like this. Thankfully, unlike last year, my hearing wasn't nearly so badly effected. I've missed out on a visit with the family, church, and volunteering at the Dam for this week. However, I'm glad I was able to enjoy my full vacation before it set in. By the end of the week, I ought to be back to my normal self.
Thursday was another terrific day. I got out to the beech for a while and then relaxed on the deck near the welcome centre. The artist was a fascinating man to talk with. There were two of them actually. While the clay bowl I made didn't make it back with me, Mike's contact information did. He thinks he may want my help editing his project blog about this larger program he's engaged in working with blind and low-vision people. He's keen to explore various forms of communication among other things. I could easily plough through a few beers and a pile of wings in such good company. The trip to the Legion got cancelled. We went there but it turned out to be closed. Some others went into Don Cherry's in Parry Sound but I chose to remain behind. It was a good choice. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with some excellent company and am perfectly glad to have foregone alcohol in exchange. Bought a new shirt instead of the booze in support of a good cause. A splendid final night at Lake Joe all around.
On the way home, my parents and I stopped off to see an old family friend. I haven't seen the man I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite there being no family relation other than good friend. He's a painter who could easily have also succeeded in being a comedian. He doesn't quite still sound like I remembered him sounding in years past but still keeps a keen wit about him. At one point, he was explaining how all this technology stuff which has been so central to my life just goes right past him. He told us how his son once tried to talk him into taking and using his old computer. Franc asked what he would do with it and his son described how he could store files and photos among other things. Franc suggested that he keep the computer and just leave the box. They could order pizza and then when it was done, he'd also have a laptop. As usual with Uncle Franc, you have to hear him say these things to get anything like the full effect. It was terrific to get to see him again. His daughter Michelle also stopped in to visit with kids of her own. It seemed so strange as she used to baby sit my brother and I way back when. I missed hearing the final shuttle launch live but was happy to learn later that the mission was off to a good start. Hearing history happen is one thing. Getting to visit with people who are an important part of one's own personal history is priceless.
Things are definitely on the mend with me now. I'm hopeful that I can stay awake for the whole day today. Didn't quite achieve that yesterday but came close. My nose is still a tad stuffed but I can taste and smell things again properly. Other than a brief pain when I cough, my throat has come through this in good shape. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my ears have come through this relatively unscathed. Things got muted over Sunday and Monday when things were at their worst but nothing like what happened last year. I think I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my Summer this year rather than sleep through its tail end like last year. For an excellent week away like I've had, I can deal with this current thankfully retreating illness.
During my waking hours, I've managed to read most of a nifty book in the CNIB library called 20th Century Ghosts. I thoroughly enjoyed the stories I heard but know that I've slept through a couple of large chunks. Because they were short stories, I don't feel nearly as bad as if I had missed gaping parts of a novel. Short stories are definitely the way to go when one is prone to nodding off without warning. I'll have to take another stab at writing a collection of those at some point. Other than working on this blog entry and getting mainly caught up on emails, I haven't accomplished a whole lot. Over the next day or two, I'll at last get around to sending initial emails to the people who have given me their addresses at Lake Joe. Meant to get to that a whole lot sooner than this, but things get a bit daft when chunks of day disappear on you. One thing I definitely have to do this week is order my next batch of groceries. one of the handy things about living so close to family is that mom was able to grab some fresh fruit and vegetables. I succeeded in my previous plan to end up with nothing in the fridge when I left which might have gone bad while I was away. This whole episode will have the beneficial effect of changing the timing of my major grocery orders to a far better monthly cycle. My Rogers bill is also paid up for the month thanks to earlier accidental overpayment. All of that should help nicely with the bank balance next month. Overall, the last five days not withstanding, I think this Summer is going wonderfully. I hope to be back out there taking my strolls around Lake Aquitaine quite soon, perhaps even by Friday. Given last night's cooking scare though, I'll err on the side of caution. That was an odd little episode. I set dinner cooking on the George Forman, set the timer on the talking microwave and sat at my desk to catch up on tweets while dinner cooked for fifteen minutes. I paused to relax for a moment and drifted away. The beeping of the timer brought me back around to hear the grill sizzling in the kitchen. Unfortunately, perhaps because of the horror book I had been reading, my mind came up with all sorts of other things which might have been the source of the sizzling prompting my adrenal glands to jump needlessly into action. Imagine going from days of drifting lethargy to fully ready to take drastic action in a split second as consciousness returned. Like suddenly falling off a cliff you had no idea you were on the edge of. Needless to say, I'm sticking to the microwave today. Think I'll quit this entry while I'm still ahead and get something guaranteed not to sizzle, like a cold glass of ice tea. That's the ticket.
There are a number of pairs of people with the same name and it would be ever so devilishly amusing to get them all together unexpectedly in conversation somehow. At least five or six pairs of similarly named people. Not quite like the class I was in which had six of us Mikes in it. Supply teachers never knew what hit them. Those were the days.
Looks like the food here is going to be up to its usual excellent standards. Other than the first dinner which was pasta, I've enjoyed pretty much everything. I don't know what whoever was in charge of choosing the juice glasses to be used this year was smoking though. They're tiny things. I usually go through two or three in a meal and don't feel at all competent to pour into them while at a crowded table. I'm a pretty steady hand when it comes to pouring so that's saying something. They should have stuck those glasses in the cabin washrooms and chosen larger glasses which actually encourage those not expert in the art to try. Spills and misses are pretty much a given with glasses like these at the table. I have no other gripes with the kitchen or food at all. However, why is there only one set of shelves in each cabin? I can live without closets and dressers but for heaven's sake! At least give each client his/her own set of shelves. Thank goodness my roommate is able to keep who has what on which shelf straight.
Not certain if I'll end up with any new long-term friends but there are at least some hopeful prospects and I'm definitely in for a week of good conversation. A couple of nice ladies seem quite interested in keeping in touch but they're out in Peter borough and I have no idea how far away that is. Guess we'll see how things go. One of them is fully sighted but on ODSP due to learning difficulty. She's here as a guide for her slightly less mentally capable friend who has lost most of her sight. Like me, this first sighted lady is attempting to live as helpful and productive a life as she can. In addition to helping her friend here, she's managing to help just about everyone else around her while still having a good time herself. If nothing else, it gives me hope that there are other people out there like me who take what they're given and make the best of their situation. The ODSP Fireside list plus the failure of my Silver Smiles group to attract more than a few members had given me the impression that I was more one of a kind than I actually am. Thank God I was wrong about that. It's so good to have at least a smidgeon of long-term hope in the marriage department again. This lady and I don't appear to share enough interests for more than a friendship. Add to that the distance involved and there's not a ton of hope. Ultimately, I would certainly consider moving somewhere new for someone I loved but there's the whole process of finding out that she's worth it to go through first. I have a whole lot to be thankful for where I currently live and would much rather share that situation with someone than walk away from all I've started to build there.
It's been a very nice couple of days weather wise. I'm indoors at the moment sitting in the lounge with my netbook. I've spent the rest of the day other than around an hour this morning outside. The sun has felt great and the conversation has been plentiful. I'm expecting good weather to continue through the rest of the week. I've chosen two offsite trips to go on. I'm trying out the Band on the Bay trip which I believe takes us into Parry Sound to a sort of summer local concert series. .
It's now Tuesday morning. Monday was nice but long. I keep getting up early and not sleeping the full night through. Despite that, I feel pretty damned good. I enjoyed a coffee down in the administration centre and am now seated in the lounge. People will slowly start to congregate here as breakfast draws nearer. I won't spend quite so much time out in the sun today. Missed a few spots with sunscreen which are a tad toasted. I'll be going on a pontoon boat they have here in the afternoon. No real plans other than that. I've added a couple more people to my file of contacts. One guy seems very interested in keeping in touch and can hook me up with others closer to me. This certainly has possibilities. I'm doing far better with the whole contacts thing than in previous years. Perhaps, it's a sign of more interesting times to come.
Had a nap for an hour this morning and feel better for it. Hopefully, the later return from the band on the bay trip tonight will help insure a more solid sleep. Lunch will be in a little while. Breakfast was certainly good. Not certain I would have liked supper tonight but I'll be able to buy some food at the band on the bay venue.
It's Wednesday morning now. I got a somewhat better sleep after a wonderful Tuesday. I had good company for pretty much the entire time. The weather was great other than a sudden heavy rain which occurred while I was out on the pontoon boat cruise. It was still a fun ride and it's not like I melted or anything. While I attended the Band on the Bay, the talent show was taking place back at Lake Joe and a few people I've struck up friendships with decided to do one of my poems. I found a file which contained all my old poems. The one they chose was a short one I had completely forgotten about. Apparently, people liked it. The Band on the Bay was quite an excellent event. The Garage Band, in actuality a single band rather than the festival I originally supposed it to be, was quite good. It played a mix of contemporary and older hits which kept the audience of locals and ourselves quite entertained. It was also the occasion for a couple of beers, a very good barbecued hotdog and a Hagen dos ice cream bar. Haven't had one of those things in ages. I got to chat with a local couple who were curious about what life was like as a blind person. In such friendly circumstances, I can't say I mind wearing the blindness ambassadorial hat at all. Also, I got a chance to get to know a very special fellow named ethen Lu. I've avoided the use of names in this blog but will gladly make an exception in his case. He's a very musically gifted fellow from Taiwan. Having visited Canada for two years, he would very much like to stay and make his life here. However, unless something happens, he'll be forced to leave around the middle of next month. He very much likes sports and would like to make his living as a busker. I don't get the impression he thinks it likely that he will find happiness in Taiwan. I have no idea if any of my readers might be able to help him or point him to people who can. However, he liked the idea of my having made an audioboo of his piano playing and giving his email for people to write him. I didn't get to hear him play his accordion but was very impressed with his sure hand on the piano. His email is ethen1989@gmail.com
He would love to hear from anyone who can help him or who simply wish to get to know him. I, for one, hope he manages either to stay in Canada or apply to immigrate here from Taiwan. He's the decent sort of fellow you just can't help wanting to see prosperous and happy.
Wednesday morning passed by mainly pleasantly. One fellow who sat at lunch with us took exception to a lady's less than totally cheerful take on things and her not unreasonable complaint that there weren't any diabetic desserts. I sincerely hope that situation is rectified. It must be even harder on the diabetic kids hearing friends remark on the excellent baked desserts we're treated to here. By the way, the bread at Lake Joe is unfailingly awesome year after year. The fellow's nice enough but one of these "successes" who tends to think everyone should just get on with it, snap out of it, fit into some employed slot in the system of society just because he's managed to do it with low vision. It almost smacks of the same kind of desperate faith that says to the afflicted or suffering: "Believe enough, and you'll be miraculously healed." A lot of people just can't cope with others who are similar in some broad way to themselves but whose lives have taken different paths which seem less fortunate in their estimation. As usual, my blessing or curse was to be able to sympathize with both sides of the equation. I was wishing she would keep her misery to herself even as alarm bells sounded in my mind that I had made this mistake before. Selfishly, I wanted to enjoy my cream puff fully and always find it difficult when I learn that others aren't as well provisioned as yours truly. I haven't thought much about Rebecca as a general rule of thumb but she was brought forcefully to mind this afternoon. How often, despite knowing what I did about depression, had I wished with all my heart that she'd just snap out of it and enjoy the present? It was somewhat different with this lady. Not depression. Something, some basic capacity, was missing in her. He seemed completely oblivious and/or uncaring about the possibility. I had met this girl who lost her sight to a tumour some years before. I told the man while we jogged along that some people just aren't ready to hear that well-meant but damaging flog of "snap out of it." or move on. There wasn't really time for a protracted discussion and I've learned from experience just how hard it is to really get one of these folks to come to grips with the fact that we're all different and that the system simply doesn't work for all of us. Silently, I wondered whether he'd ask a man with no legs to run a marathon with equal gusto. She responds emotionally to things much as a child with each new event exerting powerfully on her current mood. I'll have to do some careful probing later but I have a strong suspicion here. Much like me with Rebecca, the only thing this man did by lecturing her at lunch was compound the problem. For much of the time, all I did for Rebecca by trying to show her the bright side of life was inflict even more damage making her feel worse than she already did. Intellectually, I think she agreed with me much of the time but that only made her feel worse for not being able to be cheerful. Some people just aren't capable of sucking it up and getting with the program. "Time doesn't stand still" was the line he tossed out like a kind of mantra as we walked I forget where. That's all too true. Instead of trying to help each other along, we tend to fling it at those who can't keep up with us like a kind of extra lash from a perfect future of belonging dangled forever out of our reach like the damned myth it actually is. At last, I can face that lash with restored dignity. Living this life lets me contribute my gifts to society in many ways. I've already helped countless people with my past efforts and remain confident that the projects I now work on will one day help more once they're completed. I have a church, friends and family who respect me as a person and the kind of life I try to lead. While I'm certainly open to opportunities to change my circumstances which don't involve the equivalent of jumping off a cliff, the days when I'd jump at absolutely anything in the name of gaining self-respect and that of others are long behind me. By no means am I letting life pass me by. I live a different life, but one that is no less worthy than others. I'm through feeling like I have to justify my unemployed status to people. I'm far more of the mind that society as a whole must justify it to me and many others besides. So much potential has been thrown away by this meaningless quest for self-sufficiency; So many people trampled and made to feel less than worthless despite all the good they do behind the scenes. I guess that's what I've come to hate the most. Even more than the opportunities out of reach, I detest coming up against these people whose accomplishments and personhood I fully respect but who don't respect anything we unemployed do which doesn't lead to our own financial independence. To do him justice, I believe he realized pretty quickly that I categorically reject the notion that I'm "letting life pass me by". He seems eager to keep in contact also and hook me up with people nearer to me. I'll certainly take him up on that. There may be some interim good I can do, or just perhaps, something larger might come out of it. You never know. As I say, he's a nice enough guy when you get past the probably unconsciously brusk exterior.
It's evening now. Everyone's off at Bingo. I have no use whatsoever for that game. Even slot machines are an improvement upon it since they don't require such prolonged attention. Give me substance! A group interactive role-play game perhaps, or some board game beyond the commonplace. A tradition that's very unlikely to change, Bingo night has probably been a widely cherished part of the Lake Joe experience since the very beginning. I'm in the welcome centre with my netbook and speakers. At last! I believe I've figured out what's going on with the unhappy lady. Over dinner, I gently put some questions to her about her life and hit the jackpot. Similar to Peter, an acquaintance of my past who also had a tumour removed, this woman has lost her sight and sense of smell completely. She has also effectively lost her childhood. Her earliest memory is of her mother leaning over the operating table just prior to the removal of the tumour. It's stunning when you stop and think of the implications of that. . She's in her early twenties and has literally lost all clear memories of growing up. She's lost all the countless experiences of interactions and circumstances that the rest of us take for granted when we emotionally assess things. She doesn't have the anchor of life experience which keeps us steady. When you look at it through that lens, I'm frankly amazed she's doing as well as she is. Learning to cope in a world without sight while trying to find her identity constitute a monumental path of challenges I can only dimly imagine despite my intimate familiarity with around half of what she faces. A lot more of the things she's said this week so far suddenly have a great deal more context. How would any of us cope without the memories of our formative years?
Poor Ethen lost his cane for a bit earlier today. I heard an anguished moan of worry and found him in the hall. He asked me to help look for his misplaced cane and handed me the key to his room. I felt everywhere in that room a cane could possibly think of hiding but found nothing to Ethen's increasing distress. Thankfully, a staff member was near and put out a radio call. She learned that Ethen had actually left his cane on the beach and it was soon back in his hands. However, I forgot that he had handed me his key and he went through another terrible moment's anguish thinking it was lost while searching for the cane. Once I realized I had two keys in my pocket and returned his, Ethen was once again his happy self. The whole experience struck me as somewhat quaint. I could imagine Aladdin in equal anguish after he found that his magic lamp had been given away to the enemy magician. He had no idea that the cane would prove so easily found. I think he was most worried that people would be angry with him for having misplaced the cane. Perhaps, they're harder to come by in his country.
It's Thursday morning. What an odd and slightly embarrassing end to Wednesday. By the time everyone showed up in the welcome centre for last-minute snacks, I was somewhat disengaged and tired. I found myself suddenly awake having fallen asleep in my chair with my computer and gear packed and slung over my shoulder. Doubtless, people will remember that with a degree of damnable mirth. Only fare I suppose. God knows I've gained plenty of dark amusement from the lapses of others over the years. As embarrassing as it was, this slight unexpected dip into the land of nod preceded a really excellent sleep. I feel very awake and ready for my final day here.
Today, I plan to meet for a conversation with an artist doing workshops here for the clients who, according to one of the staff here, would find my perspective and sense of place to be of much interest. I'm always happy to chat with creative people and will be interested in his impressions after a week's exposure to blind and visually impaired people. I've made some very good contacts here and had great conversations. Although I haven't come away from it with any profound nuggets for use in my game or book, I have gained a sense of social balance that I doubt I'll experience again for quite some time. There's just something wonderful about being able to find one's way around a place easily and find people to talk to pretty much whenever one desires company. I'll miss that. There are always a number of very pleasant people and a number of quite extraordinary ones. Unlike many, and after years of dashed hopes, I now count myself a member of both groups. I know I've turned an important corner over the past while. Coming here has shown me the fruits of all the inner reflection and wrestling. My patience, sense of self-worth, willingness to consider new endeavours, and more have all been put to the test and I've passed. I'm the me I want to be for myself and for others.
It's now Wednesday, July 13. This entry was supposed to conclude on Saturday with me home and settled reflecting on the remainder of my trip. Unfortunately, I seem to have brought back a bug of some sort with me. I've been ill for the past five days. Although still not fully recovered, I'm definitely well on the way there. This illness hit me with runny stuffy nose, body aches, and lethargy similar to last year's illness. This overpowering desire to lay down would come over me. I'd do so and then wake to discover that hours had passed. I've missed whole chunks of the past days like this. Thankfully, unlike last year, my hearing wasn't nearly so badly effected. I've missed out on a visit with the family, church, and volunteering at the Dam for this week. However, I'm glad I was able to enjoy my full vacation before it set in. By the end of the week, I ought to be back to my normal self.
Thursday was another terrific day. I got out to the beech for a while and then relaxed on the deck near the welcome centre. The artist was a fascinating man to talk with. There were two of them actually. While the clay bowl I made didn't make it back with me, Mike's contact information did. He thinks he may want my help editing his project blog about this larger program he's engaged in working with blind and low-vision people. He's keen to explore various forms of communication among other things. I could easily plough through a few beers and a pile of wings in such good company. The trip to the Legion got cancelled. We went there but it turned out to be closed. Some others went into Don Cherry's in Parry Sound but I chose to remain behind. It was a good choice. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with some excellent company and am perfectly glad to have foregone alcohol in exchange. Bought a new shirt instead of the booze in support of a good cause. A splendid final night at Lake Joe all around.
On the way home, my parents and I stopped off to see an old family friend. I haven't seen the man I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite there being no family relation other than good friend. He's a painter who could easily have also succeeded in being a comedian. He doesn't quite still sound like I remembered him sounding in years past but still keeps a keen wit about him. At one point, he was explaining how all this technology stuff which has been so central to my life just goes right past him. He told us how his son once tried to talk him into taking and using his old computer. Franc asked what he would do with it and his son described how he could store files and photos among other things. Franc suggested that he keep the computer and just leave the box. They could order pizza and then when it was done, he'd also have a laptop. As usual with Uncle Franc, you have to hear him say these things to get anything like the full effect. It was terrific to get to see him again. His daughter Michelle also stopped in to visit with kids of her own. It seemed so strange as she used to baby sit my brother and I way back when. I missed hearing the final shuttle launch live but was happy to learn later that the mission was off to a good start. Hearing history happen is one thing. Getting to visit with people who are an important part of one's own personal history is priceless.
Things are definitely on the mend with me now. I'm hopeful that I can stay awake for the whole day today. Didn't quite achieve that yesterday but came close. My nose is still a tad stuffed but I can taste and smell things again properly. Other than a brief pain when I cough, my throat has come through this in good shape. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my ears have come through this relatively unscathed. Things got muted over Sunday and Monday when things were at their worst but nothing like what happened last year. I think I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my Summer this year rather than sleep through its tail end like last year. For an excellent week away like I've had, I can deal with this current thankfully retreating illness.
During my waking hours, I've managed to read most of a nifty book in the CNIB library called 20th Century Ghosts. I thoroughly enjoyed the stories I heard but know that I've slept through a couple of large chunks. Because they were short stories, I don't feel nearly as bad as if I had missed gaping parts of a novel. Short stories are definitely the way to go when one is prone to nodding off without warning. I'll have to take another stab at writing a collection of those at some point. Other than working on this blog entry and getting mainly caught up on emails, I haven't accomplished a whole lot. Over the next day or two, I'll at last get around to sending initial emails to the people who have given me their addresses at Lake Joe. Meant to get to that a whole lot sooner than this, but things get a bit daft when chunks of day disappear on you. One thing I definitely have to do this week is order my next batch of groceries. one of the handy things about living so close to family is that mom was able to grab some fresh fruit and vegetables. I succeeded in my previous plan to end up with nothing in the fridge when I left which might have gone bad while I was away. This whole episode will have the beneficial effect of changing the timing of my major grocery orders to a far better monthly cycle. My Rogers bill is also paid up for the month thanks to earlier accidental overpayment. All of that should help nicely with the bank balance next month. Overall, the last five days not withstanding, I think this Summer is going wonderfully. I hope to be back out there taking my strolls around Lake Aquitaine quite soon, perhaps even by Friday. Given last night's cooking scare though, I'll err on the side of caution. That was an odd little episode. I set dinner cooking on the George Forman, set the timer on the talking microwave and sat at my desk to catch up on tweets while dinner cooked for fifteen minutes. I paused to relax for a moment and drifted away. The beeping of the timer brought me back around to hear the grill sizzling in the kitchen. Unfortunately, perhaps because of the horror book I had been reading, my mind came up with all sorts of other things which might have been the source of the sizzling prompting my adrenal glands to jump needlessly into action. Imagine going from days of drifting lethargy to fully ready to take drastic action in a split second as consciousness returned. Like suddenly falling off a cliff you had no idea you were on the edge of. Needless to say, I'm sticking to the microwave today. Think I'll quit this entry while I'm still ahead and get something guaranteed not to sizzle, like a cold glass of ice tea. That's the ticket.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Summer Life and Travel
Hello everyone. It's been quite a while since my last post. I've been on two trips which some might think complete opposites of each other. Both, however, were very inspirational and restorative. The first trip was the multiethnic conference in Grand Rapids Michigan. It was a long drive down there and back but the company was excellent. Things went quite well overall. I met and talked with a whole bunch of people who are interested in making my adopted denomination one which better shares power, resources, and leadership with all of the many diverse people who belong to it. If I came away with anything, it was a reminder of just how much room there is in God's kingdom. The workshops were interesting also giving a kind of overview of the many steps being taken to solve diversity issues faced by my denomination and others. With God pitching in and all of these good people and ideas, we'll get there eventually. What good one does by going to these events is somewhat difficult to quantify. While I've learned a lot myself, I find it hard to tell whether I contributed much. A whole lot of people took an interest in me as I went about with all my gadgets and such. I'm hopeful that perhaps, my perspective on people which isn't based on appearance may have given some folks there food for thought. Also, there were a number who were quite shocked that I could use an iPHONE and netbook. Perhaps, that will cause them to re-think any preconceptions they may have had of other ethnic groups. At long last, I finally was able to hear some of the resistance to change and inclusiveness up close. In some of the questions asked of presenters, you could hear the fear of change. How far would things go? What might have to be left behind? I still have material to go through from the workshops. I gave quite a number of people my contact information and very much hope to hear from some eventually. They're the kind of people who I'd be honoured to call friends.
My second trip was to Selkirk Ontario where I spent last weekend camping with five other fine folks including my friend Ron Schamerhorn. In contrast to the fast-paced hectic conference, there was plenty of time to relax and talk. I don't see most of these people between these excursions. However, over the years, they've become far more than simple camping companions due to the sheer dint of conversation we've had. Each of them is going at life a little differently. There's a couple who are trying to climb the career ladder while keeping a marriage going. They travelled with a friendly if excited little dog. As much as I enjoy petting her, I was also once again made profoundly thankful that I chose to go with a cane rather than a dog. They're like having a little kid around who you have to keep an eye on all the time. Not at all what I'd want in life without the compensations that come with raising an actual child. There was Ron, my friend who's pretty much in my position in life other than having a couple of nasty vices to deal with. He consumed far more beer than I did but seemed none the worse for it. Had I drank that much, I believe I would have been positively ill. He, on the other hand, maintained his faculties surprisingly well. The organizer of the camp is a happily single non-religious Jew who teaches mentally challenged kids. He very much enjoys these outings as occasions where he can say what he thinks without reprimand and blow off some steam. He's a very good cook even after alcohol has sunk its teeth into him. A polite Nova Scotian who has made Ontario his home was the last of my companions five. Always willing to help, he's the kind of guy who you'd cheerfully trust with your life. Very even-tempered and easy-going. There were a lot of differences but despite those, the group just seemed to glide through a most enjoyable weekend. It's interesting who fate throws together and who remains friends where others fall away. As usual, there were some misadventures. By the time I realized that my sleeping bag and pillow weren't in the tent, it was absurdly late and the man with keys to the truck where said articles were happened to be asleep. I thought I'd spare him the extra wake up since he hadn't slept well over the past while. I, for one, can strongly sympathize with what that's like and figured I'd be fine in my clothes. Drifting off more easily than I normally do, I was surprised to wake up shivering in the early hours of Saturday. It seems sleeping bags have their uses after all. Didn't think nearly so much wind would come into the tent as was the case. On Saturday night, I had a far more comfortable and solid sleep thanks to the sleeping bag and pillow. There was also the small but amusing incident, [to them], of my falling backwards out of a less than stable chair first thing in the morning with no alcohol required. The weekend was full of good-natured teasing and fun. I partially zoned out of a conversation and tried to reenter it with a bit of a non-sequitur earning me the nickname of Bananas. I profoundly hope that one doesn't stick. An annual trip with this bunch is something I wouldn't be a bit surprised to still be enjoying decades from now. Having a weekend with people who actually have time and inclination to talk to each other is an extremely enjoyable change from days spent in this apartment even if I've come to better terms with what passes for normal life.
There was a dinner and evening at the Dam on Monday. It combined a brief board meeting with a fellowship evening for all the volunteers and was very enjoyable. Learning a little about the actual effect we as an organization were having was most interesting. I also got to talk with a number of people who I volunteer with at some length. Any opportunity to get to know people in a relaxed fashion is most welcome. Tuesday was unexpectedly free since the Dam was closed for a staff meeting. I spent it doing laundry, tidying up around here, and ordering groceries. I also got in a walk around the lake before the rain started up. It took a little longer to do this grocery order since I've tried to adjust things to have as little wasted by my week away at Lake Jo and other trips like this weekend's as possible. Everything arrived yesterday with only a few substitutions. I'll just need to get some fruit and vegetables once back from vacation. This Summer is certainly draining my cash reserves more than I anticipated but I'll manage to enjoy it without going into debt or anything. After 2012, I'll be out of my TV and Internet contract with Rogers and be able to scale those back gaining extra wiggle room that way. I don't use TV all that much these days and would switch to a basic package now if there weren't a penalty to pay for doing that. I may also be able to go with a lighter Internet package although that'll require some further consideration over the next while. It gets easier to understand what drives many of my fellow ODSP recipients over that edge of inpatient hopelessness where they stop caring if they go into debt and spend for a moment's enjoyment. I thank my lucky stars that my father taught me what being in debt was like before it really mattered. Not being compelled to spend on cigarettes or alcohol are two more precious advantages I have. I'm ever so glad that neither of those addictions have gotten the better of me. My nature drives me more in the direction of a clear steady mind that would rather escape into a book or game than a bottle any day. I'll never even entertain the notion of trying cigarettes, but certainly enjoy a good drink. Perhaps, I'm more cautious with alcohol than I need to be. Eight beers proved an extravagant enjoyment for my camping weekend while others consumed three times as much. I simply like to remember my good times and savour the taste of beer rather than any buzz. For a time after Janene walked away from me, I fell into the trap of using alcohol as a means to try to escape from time itself letting myself zone out rather than face yet another empty dull afternoon. However, I learned that the price was a kind of lingering heavy frustrated lethargy which prevented the enjoyment of more time which could have been better used were I not under its effects. I don't believe I'll fall into that trap again now. Patience and discipline are worth their weight in gold when you live a life like this.
It's Thursday afternoon now. I've been pecking at this blog entry for quite some time. The rain is hammering down on my balcony railing but none is blowing in through my open screen door. You almost feel like you're cheating nature hearing so much force, being able to stand out beyond your door without getting drenched for reckless impudence. I've grown very fond of my balcony. It adds a very welcome dimension of space which I couldn't have appreciated until I had one in my own dwelling here. Cabin fever would have been far more an issue for me over the last year had my apartment not included one.
Each trip this Summer has given me quite a lot to think about. I know that eventually, these experiences will make their way into my creative writing projects and autobiographical book. Events like the conference just have so much packed into them that it's hard for me to properly document them as they occur. Others like the camping trip demand a certain circumspection when blogging about them. This weekend, I'm off to visit Michelle and Jerry. They were the two friends who I haven't seen in eight years who discovered me on Facebook. This will be my first visit their way. I'll be staying overnight and beginning the process of teaching them more about their computers. Both Michelle and Jerry have managed to get onto Twitter themselves although I expect there are some finer points to help them with. I'll be bringing my netbook along to help give them more of a crash tour of what kinds of things are available and accessible to them. It'll be interesting to see how this more extended get-together goes. We've led very different lives. Neither of them are as well read as I am nor so prone to deep thinking. Especially when teaching them about computers, I'll have to be very mindful that they likely aren't going to know things that I've come to take for granted over the years. There should be lots to talk about as I become more familiar with what their normal lives are like, but I could be wrong. At least I've found two people who are interested in attempting serious friendship. That's more than I can say for most residents of my building. From force of habit, I remove the chain lock each morning on the off chance someone should knock. Nobody ever has though. It's simply a habit born of misplaced hope. Despite all the changes over the past while, I still often go days without opening my apartment door. I certainly won't be going out today with all the rain that's been coming down. Glad I got out yesterday with dad for a nice brunch at Symposium Cafe. Their burgers and martinis are still as awesome as ever. The staff are friendly as they always have been despite all the changes in management over the years. It's good to have a place like that which I can reach on my own.
In a little over a week, I'll be going on my trip to Lake Joseph. Things are pretty much in hand regarding that. I'll take up pretty much the same stuff as last year. Granted, there is a whole lot more on my netbook in terms of audio and music. I recently bought a bunch of Patrick O'hearn's music. I was impressed by a number of pieces I heard on Sky FM's new age Internet radio station over the past while and I hadn't added to my library of instrumental music in quite some time. If nothing else, I'll at least have a week among people who share some of my audio interests. Lets just hope they're in possession of more of their faculties than some notable ones were last time. A week of good conversation among people who have at least shared some of my experiences in life would do a whole lot of good. There's always the slight hope that I'll come away with some new friends or perhaps even something more. A very slight hope given the distances around Ontario people come to Lake Joseph from, but you never know. it's happened before to more than just me. There hasn't been so much as a nibble from either of the dating sites I'm still on. I've laid my cards out on those tables as best I might and done all that I think worth doing on those sites. Either it'll happen or it won't. Meanwhile, there are a lot of perks to enjoy as a single man. One of which is rediscovering and reading books one has read before. I've been going through the Rift War saga again by Raymond E. Feist. The CNIB digital library has them all narrated by a fantastic English guy who more than does them justice. I guess they've got some sort of deal with the RNIB these days. Long may that partnership continue. Those books have done a great deal to bring a sense of companionship and adventure to the many hours which have otherwise lacked this quality in real modern life.
Well I guess that pretty much brings you up to date. Not much has happened on the writing front although I've done a little work on the online dating chapter of my autobiographical book. Also, I've come up with a few new place ideas for enchantment's Twilight. Nothing tremendous, but I'll take every little bit of progress I can get these days and be very thankful for it. As to insomnia, I've been doing quite well in the sleep department lately. All the activity of the past while has gotten me feeling very good about things in general. But for a lack of creative ideas, I feel at the top of my game.
My second trip was to Selkirk Ontario where I spent last weekend camping with five other fine folks including my friend Ron Schamerhorn. In contrast to the fast-paced hectic conference, there was plenty of time to relax and talk. I don't see most of these people between these excursions. However, over the years, they've become far more than simple camping companions due to the sheer dint of conversation we've had. Each of them is going at life a little differently. There's a couple who are trying to climb the career ladder while keeping a marriage going. They travelled with a friendly if excited little dog. As much as I enjoy petting her, I was also once again made profoundly thankful that I chose to go with a cane rather than a dog. They're like having a little kid around who you have to keep an eye on all the time. Not at all what I'd want in life without the compensations that come with raising an actual child. There was Ron, my friend who's pretty much in my position in life other than having a couple of nasty vices to deal with. He consumed far more beer than I did but seemed none the worse for it. Had I drank that much, I believe I would have been positively ill. He, on the other hand, maintained his faculties surprisingly well. The organizer of the camp is a happily single non-religious Jew who teaches mentally challenged kids. He very much enjoys these outings as occasions where he can say what he thinks without reprimand and blow off some steam. He's a very good cook even after alcohol has sunk its teeth into him. A polite Nova Scotian who has made Ontario his home was the last of my companions five. Always willing to help, he's the kind of guy who you'd cheerfully trust with your life. Very even-tempered and easy-going. There were a lot of differences but despite those, the group just seemed to glide through a most enjoyable weekend. It's interesting who fate throws together and who remains friends where others fall away. As usual, there were some misadventures. By the time I realized that my sleeping bag and pillow weren't in the tent, it was absurdly late and the man with keys to the truck where said articles were happened to be asleep. I thought I'd spare him the extra wake up since he hadn't slept well over the past while. I, for one, can strongly sympathize with what that's like and figured I'd be fine in my clothes. Drifting off more easily than I normally do, I was surprised to wake up shivering in the early hours of Saturday. It seems sleeping bags have their uses after all. Didn't think nearly so much wind would come into the tent as was the case. On Saturday night, I had a far more comfortable and solid sleep thanks to the sleeping bag and pillow. There was also the small but amusing incident, [to them], of my falling backwards out of a less than stable chair first thing in the morning with no alcohol required. The weekend was full of good-natured teasing and fun. I partially zoned out of a conversation and tried to reenter it with a bit of a non-sequitur earning me the nickname of Bananas. I profoundly hope that one doesn't stick. An annual trip with this bunch is something I wouldn't be a bit surprised to still be enjoying decades from now. Having a weekend with people who actually have time and inclination to talk to each other is an extremely enjoyable change from days spent in this apartment even if I've come to better terms with what passes for normal life.
There was a dinner and evening at the Dam on Monday. It combined a brief board meeting with a fellowship evening for all the volunteers and was very enjoyable. Learning a little about the actual effect we as an organization were having was most interesting. I also got to talk with a number of people who I volunteer with at some length. Any opportunity to get to know people in a relaxed fashion is most welcome. Tuesday was unexpectedly free since the Dam was closed for a staff meeting. I spent it doing laundry, tidying up around here, and ordering groceries. I also got in a walk around the lake before the rain started up. It took a little longer to do this grocery order since I've tried to adjust things to have as little wasted by my week away at Lake Jo and other trips like this weekend's as possible. Everything arrived yesterday with only a few substitutions. I'll just need to get some fruit and vegetables once back from vacation. This Summer is certainly draining my cash reserves more than I anticipated but I'll manage to enjoy it without going into debt or anything. After 2012, I'll be out of my TV and Internet contract with Rogers and be able to scale those back gaining extra wiggle room that way. I don't use TV all that much these days and would switch to a basic package now if there weren't a penalty to pay for doing that. I may also be able to go with a lighter Internet package although that'll require some further consideration over the next while. It gets easier to understand what drives many of my fellow ODSP recipients over that edge of inpatient hopelessness where they stop caring if they go into debt and spend for a moment's enjoyment. I thank my lucky stars that my father taught me what being in debt was like before it really mattered. Not being compelled to spend on cigarettes or alcohol are two more precious advantages I have. I'm ever so glad that neither of those addictions have gotten the better of me. My nature drives me more in the direction of a clear steady mind that would rather escape into a book or game than a bottle any day. I'll never even entertain the notion of trying cigarettes, but certainly enjoy a good drink. Perhaps, I'm more cautious with alcohol than I need to be. Eight beers proved an extravagant enjoyment for my camping weekend while others consumed three times as much. I simply like to remember my good times and savour the taste of beer rather than any buzz. For a time after Janene walked away from me, I fell into the trap of using alcohol as a means to try to escape from time itself letting myself zone out rather than face yet another empty dull afternoon. However, I learned that the price was a kind of lingering heavy frustrated lethargy which prevented the enjoyment of more time which could have been better used were I not under its effects. I don't believe I'll fall into that trap again now. Patience and discipline are worth their weight in gold when you live a life like this.
It's Thursday afternoon now. I've been pecking at this blog entry for quite some time. The rain is hammering down on my balcony railing but none is blowing in through my open screen door. You almost feel like you're cheating nature hearing so much force, being able to stand out beyond your door without getting drenched for reckless impudence. I've grown very fond of my balcony. It adds a very welcome dimension of space which I couldn't have appreciated until I had one in my own dwelling here. Cabin fever would have been far more an issue for me over the last year had my apartment not included one.
Each trip this Summer has given me quite a lot to think about. I know that eventually, these experiences will make their way into my creative writing projects and autobiographical book. Events like the conference just have so much packed into them that it's hard for me to properly document them as they occur. Others like the camping trip demand a certain circumspection when blogging about them. This weekend, I'm off to visit Michelle and Jerry. They were the two friends who I haven't seen in eight years who discovered me on Facebook. This will be my first visit their way. I'll be staying overnight and beginning the process of teaching them more about their computers. Both Michelle and Jerry have managed to get onto Twitter themselves although I expect there are some finer points to help them with. I'll be bringing my netbook along to help give them more of a crash tour of what kinds of things are available and accessible to them. It'll be interesting to see how this more extended get-together goes. We've led very different lives. Neither of them are as well read as I am nor so prone to deep thinking. Especially when teaching them about computers, I'll have to be very mindful that they likely aren't going to know things that I've come to take for granted over the years. There should be lots to talk about as I become more familiar with what their normal lives are like, but I could be wrong. At least I've found two people who are interested in attempting serious friendship. That's more than I can say for most residents of my building. From force of habit, I remove the chain lock each morning on the off chance someone should knock. Nobody ever has though. It's simply a habit born of misplaced hope. Despite all the changes over the past while, I still often go days without opening my apartment door. I certainly won't be going out today with all the rain that's been coming down. Glad I got out yesterday with dad for a nice brunch at Symposium Cafe. Their burgers and martinis are still as awesome as ever. The staff are friendly as they always have been despite all the changes in management over the years. It's good to have a place like that which I can reach on my own.
In a little over a week, I'll be going on my trip to Lake Joseph. Things are pretty much in hand regarding that. I'll take up pretty much the same stuff as last year. Granted, there is a whole lot more on my netbook in terms of audio and music. I recently bought a bunch of Patrick O'hearn's music. I was impressed by a number of pieces I heard on Sky FM's new age Internet radio station over the past while and I hadn't added to my library of instrumental music in quite some time. If nothing else, I'll at least have a week among people who share some of my audio interests. Lets just hope they're in possession of more of their faculties than some notable ones were last time. A week of good conversation among people who have at least shared some of my experiences in life would do a whole lot of good. There's always the slight hope that I'll come away with some new friends or perhaps even something more. A very slight hope given the distances around Ontario people come to Lake Joseph from, but you never know. it's happened before to more than just me. There hasn't been so much as a nibble from either of the dating sites I'm still on. I've laid my cards out on those tables as best I might and done all that I think worth doing on those sites. Either it'll happen or it won't. Meanwhile, there are a lot of perks to enjoy as a single man. One of which is rediscovering and reading books one has read before. I've been going through the Rift War saga again by Raymond E. Feist. The CNIB digital library has them all narrated by a fantastic English guy who more than does them justice. I guess they've got some sort of deal with the RNIB these days. Long may that partnership continue. Those books have done a great deal to bring a sense of companionship and adventure to the many hours which have otherwise lacked this quality in real modern life.
Well I guess that pretty much brings you up to date. Not much has happened on the writing front although I've done a little work on the online dating chapter of my autobiographical book. Also, I've come up with a few new place ideas for enchantment's Twilight. Nothing tremendous, but I'll take every little bit of progress I can get these days and be very thankful for it. As to insomnia, I've been doing quite well in the sleep department lately. All the activity of the past while has gotten me feeling very good about things in general. But for a lack of creative ideas, I feel at the top of my game.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Reflections At Rest
Hello everyone. I don't ususally write blog entries this close together. Nothing really spectacular has happened. It just feels right that I do. I've been up sincearound three AM. It's now just approaching seven. I'm out on my balcony using my netbook. May stay out here all day if it keeps nice like this. There's a wonderful breeze coming in over the rail. I'm listenning to CBC Radio1 and enjoying a bit of a racoon's breakfast. A muffin, a small handful of smoked almonds and some dried mango slices. I didn't think of how thematically appropriate such a breakfast is. Tomorrow, I'll be headding off to a place where I hope to help very different flavours of Christian people come together to better form the delicious blend of life that God wants our dinomination to. Unfortunately, making that happen is a whole lot harder than making my tasty breakfast was.
I'd now finished both eating breakfast and hearing the news and weather. Sounds like today's going to be nice and somewhat cooler than yesterday. Persumng I'm not catching up on missed sleep via dozing, I'll likely head out for a walk at some point and spend most of the day out here. Hopefully, some extensive use of this netbook's keyboard will help my notetaking abilities at the conference. The workshops all sound very interesting. Can't remember which ones I checked when filling out the registration form but I imagine I'll receive that info at the conference when I get there. I think I'm pretty much ready aside from a small amount of packing I'll do today. I met all sorts of interesting good people last time and expect that'll happen again this year. There's wifi available so I'll try and blog dayly rather than post one big one at the end of the event.
In those long small hours I've already passed through today, I decided to hear a favorite movie of mine called Snowcake. Alan Rickman plays an Englishman who was involved in a fatal accident while giving a young woman a lift. Driven by gilt and responsibility, he goes to see Vivienne's mother. She turns out to have Autism and reacts in completely unexpected ways to Vivienne's death. The acting in the film is first-rate. Sigourney Weaver plays Linda Freeman, the autistic mother, very well as far as I can judge having never met anybody at all like her. I've found a deep and welcome sense of humanity prevailing, a sense that if we're willing, there's the possibility of at least some earthly redemption for mistakes of our past. We can become better people. I find the same sort of hope and restoration in movies like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and stil an all-time favorite, Stranger Than Fiction. Perhaps, I'll take that one in again later. I think it's going to be one of those somewhat long, drifting solitary but nonetheless very enjoyable days.
The confirmation package for my week away at Lake Joe has come in. While most semsible people were sleeping peacefully, I gave it a looking over. LThey added a few different offsite trips. Independant bands are playing all summer as part of a nearby concert series. YYou can have dinner there and it may very well prove an enjoyable evening. They also have a five-pin bowling excursion. Not overly up my alley, but I might partake. The traditional Legion trip is also on offer. That's a definite must. Provided a good bunch of people choose the same week, I ought to have a better time than last year. Thanks to my conversation with John Morgan, I know at least one bright fellow into good conversation who'll be going at the same time. Haven't seen Grlpreet in quite a spell. It'll be good to catch up.
Not much else to write about just now. Had an excellent bunch with my father and his neighbour Jim who joined us. Got my laundry all done and I don't think packing wil take more than fifteen minuts or so. I anticipate a rather neventful day online. However, I could easily be wrong there. Haven't checkedemail or Twitter in over eight hours. One never knows.
I'd now finished both eating breakfast and hearing the news and weather. Sounds like today's going to be nice and somewhat cooler than yesterday. Persumng I'm not catching up on missed sleep via dozing, I'll likely head out for a walk at some point and spend most of the day out here. Hopefully, some extensive use of this netbook's keyboard will help my notetaking abilities at the conference. The workshops all sound very interesting. Can't remember which ones I checked when filling out the registration form but I imagine I'll receive that info at the conference when I get there. I think I'm pretty much ready aside from a small amount of packing I'll do today. I met all sorts of interesting good people last time and expect that'll happen again this year. There's wifi available so I'll try and blog dayly rather than post one big one at the end of the event.
In those long small hours I've already passed through today, I decided to hear a favorite movie of mine called Snowcake. Alan Rickman plays an Englishman who was involved in a fatal accident while giving a young woman a lift. Driven by gilt and responsibility, he goes to see Vivienne's mother. She turns out to have Autism and reacts in completely unexpected ways to Vivienne's death. The acting in the film is first-rate. Sigourney Weaver plays Linda Freeman, the autistic mother, very well as far as I can judge having never met anybody at all like her. I've found a deep and welcome sense of humanity prevailing, a sense that if we're willing, there's the possibility of at least some earthly redemption for mistakes of our past. We can become better people. I find the same sort of hope and restoration in movies like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and stil an all-time favorite, Stranger Than Fiction. Perhaps, I'll take that one in again later. I think it's going to be one of those somewhat long, drifting solitary but nonetheless very enjoyable days.
The confirmation package for my week away at Lake Joe has come in. While most semsible people were sleeping peacefully, I gave it a looking over. LThey added a few different offsite trips. Independant bands are playing all summer as part of a nearby concert series. YYou can have dinner there and it may very well prove an enjoyable evening. They also have a five-pin bowling excursion. Not overly up my alley, but I might partake. The traditional Legion trip is also on offer. That's a definite must. Provided a good bunch of people choose the same week, I ought to have a better time than last year. Thanks to my conversation with John Morgan, I know at least one bright fellow into good conversation who'll be going at the same time. Haven't seen Grlpreet in quite a spell. It'll be good to catch up.
Not much else to write about just now. Had an excellent bunch with my father and his neighbour Jim who joined us. Got my laundry all done and I don't think packing wil take more than fifteen minuts or so. I anticipate a rather neventful day online. However, I could easily be wrong there. Haven't checkedemail or Twitter in over eight hours. One never knows.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Life Goes On
Hello everyone. It's another tuesday morning. Life is certainly moving along. In three days, I'll be heading off to a church conference in Grand Rapids Michigan. I've been gathering things in accesible form like the schedule and information about the speakers. It's all going on my netbook just like two years ago. Yes, shocking as it is, that much time has truly passed. Events like this certainly have a way of putting one's life in perspective. Back then, I had no idea that I'd be in my own apartment. Going into this, I feel at least a little more knowledgeable than I was last time. Still, it's such a different world and there's loads to learn.
Facebook is one of those sites which I find very annoying to deal with. However, every time I get close to thinking about deleting my acount there, something happens to stay my hand. This time was no exeption. A couple who I inadvertently lost touch with around eight years ago found me thanks to my Facebook profile. Michelle used to attend a youth group for blind people back when I was growing up in Mississauga. She's a very simple soul who had the misfortune to slide through the cracks of the education system. Enough sight to make teachers think she was being lazy and not give her the help she needed. She's very short and if you heard her, you'd swear on your life that she couldn't be any older than thirteen or so. However, in reality, she's as old as I am. Get past the appearance which I'm told is child-like and the voice to match, and you'll discover that time and adult life have indeed left their marks. She's amazing when it comes to travelling around on public transit. When she wants to do something, she has a surprising degree of stubbornness. Last saturday was a prime example. It was absolutely pouring out there. I called to warn her of this but she still insisted on coming over with her saintly husband Jerry. He would have preferred to stay home and dry but Michele was quite determined to get together with me. I believe I was able to make the trip a worth-while one for poor Jerry. I only met him once before we fell out of near orbit and drifted into separate directions. It's ironic. I've been pushing as hard as I could and hoping to find new friends around here. Who'd have thought that my social prospects would improve for the Summber by having old friends chance upon me?
Michelle and Jerry both have computers but haven't gone very far yet in learning to use them. I certainly have the time and inclination to help them more into the digital age. They, in turn, are quite willing to help me go into Toronto and hang out with people in the blind community there who I've also lost touch with. I've never been very comfortable using public transportation on my own. It takes months to even try to learn a route somewhere for me. These two have been doing it non-stop and don't even have to have instruction to learn a new route. They'll just get up and go wherever they like. I wouldn't have thought of asking them to go so far out of their way to include me. It adds at least an hour to whatever trip they'd make. However, they just up and offered to do it with a simple natural manner which completely surprised me. Unlike most people I've dealt with over the past while, they have lots of time on their hands. Now, I have some sense of how other people feel when I offer my time as I have. I'll happily take them up on it. In turn, I'll spend the time it takes to help them make better use of their computers and take advantage of the online world. My father was good enough to drive us between the mall and my apartment during the rain.
We spent the afternoon and evening mainly chatting and catching up on what befell each of us over the past near decade. I introduced Jerry to margaritas, a favorite drink of mine. Michelle doesn't drink. The highlight of the visit was thanks to Twitter and Mushroom FM. I sent a tweet into Lulu Wells, a broadcaster from South Wales. Within five minutes, she mentionned my guests by name live on Internet radio. It just blew their minds that this sort of thing was possible. They want me to go over their way and teach them to get in on Twitter and internet radio. I'll be quite happy to do this. There are dead spots in my week which such excursions would fill very nicely. After a very good first visit, I walked them back to the mall and the busses with my Trekker Breeze. It took a while to lock on but I know the beginning of the way quite well even without the Breeze now.
The church had a barbecue on sunday which very nicely polished off the weekend. I've been marvelling over the past couple days how life seems to be filling in for me. So many things are sliding into place. I just got a call from John Morgan this morning. Now there's an excellent reason to miss a chunk of Lulu Wells's excellent extra Bear's Lair broadcast on Mushroom FM out here on the balcony. Haven't heard from John in quite a while now. He's kept pretty busy. However, he'd like to see about Sandy and also see me and the new stuff I've been masterring over the past while. I ran into Sandy as both of us were headding out to different places recently. He sounds alright but hasn't taken any steps to get back in greater touch with me. I don't have his number so John plans on buzzing him when he comes over eventually. Both of us are busy over the next while but we'll get it together at some point soon. It's so damned good to be able to say that. I've spent so much time with no scope for hope or change. That dead time seems to be well and truly over. God seems to have found me new engagement with people at last. Now, I know I'm in the right place at the right time. This need not be a box where I've simply been stuck away by society to slowly rot. There are possibilities to do good and enjoy it in turn. I just needed the right people to come along to hook up my engine to the great machine of life.
It's getting close to noon now. I'll be packing up my netbook and taking my gear inside. The breeeze coming in over the balcony rail has ben very nice. It's time to head in and make my brunch. Haven't had bacon and eggs in quite a while. After brunch, it'll be off to the Dam. Tomorrow, I'll be at Symposium Cafe having lunch with my father. Got a load of laundry to do after that among other chores. My world certainly does keep turning. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Facebook is one of those sites which I find very annoying to deal with. However, every time I get close to thinking about deleting my acount there, something happens to stay my hand. This time was no exeption. A couple who I inadvertently lost touch with around eight years ago found me thanks to my Facebook profile. Michelle used to attend a youth group for blind people back when I was growing up in Mississauga. She's a very simple soul who had the misfortune to slide through the cracks of the education system. Enough sight to make teachers think she was being lazy and not give her the help she needed. She's very short and if you heard her, you'd swear on your life that she couldn't be any older than thirteen or so. However, in reality, she's as old as I am. Get past the appearance which I'm told is child-like and the voice to match, and you'll discover that time and adult life have indeed left their marks. She's amazing when it comes to travelling around on public transit. When she wants to do something, she has a surprising degree of stubbornness. Last saturday was a prime example. It was absolutely pouring out there. I called to warn her of this but she still insisted on coming over with her saintly husband Jerry. He would have preferred to stay home and dry but Michele was quite determined to get together with me. I believe I was able to make the trip a worth-while one for poor Jerry. I only met him once before we fell out of near orbit and drifted into separate directions. It's ironic. I've been pushing as hard as I could and hoping to find new friends around here. Who'd have thought that my social prospects would improve for the Summber by having old friends chance upon me?
Michelle and Jerry both have computers but haven't gone very far yet in learning to use them. I certainly have the time and inclination to help them more into the digital age. They, in turn, are quite willing to help me go into Toronto and hang out with people in the blind community there who I've also lost touch with. I've never been very comfortable using public transportation on my own. It takes months to even try to learn a route somewhere for me. These two have been doing it non-stop and don't even have to have instruction to learn a new route. They'll just get up and go wherever they like. I wouldn't have thought of asking them to go so far out of their way to include me. It adds at least an hour to whatever trip they'd make. However, they just up and offered to do it with a simple natural manner which completely surprised me. Unlike most people I've dealt with over the past while, they have lots of time on their hands. Now, I have some sense of how other people feel when I offer my time as I have. I'll happily take them up on it. In turn, I'll spend the time it takes to help them make better use of their computers and take advantage of the online world. My father was good enough to drive us between the mall and my apartment during the rain.
We spent the afternoon and evening mainly chatting and catching up on what befell each of us over the past near decade. I introduced Jerry to margaritas, a favorite drink of mine. Michelle doesn't drink. The highlight of the visit was thanks to Twitter and Mushroom FM. I sent a tweet into Lulu Wells, a broadcaster from South Wales. Within five minutes, she mentionned my guests by name live on Internet radio. It just blew their minds that this sort of thing was possible. They want me to go over their way and teach them to get in on Twitter and internet radio. I'll be quite happy to do this. There are dead spots in my week which such excursions would fill very nicely. After a very good first visit, I walked them back to the mall and the busses with my Trekker Breeze. It took a while to lock on but I know the beginning of the way quite well even without the Breeze now.
The church had a barbecue on sunday which very nicely polished off the weekend. I've been marvelling over the past couple days how life seems to be filling in for me. So many things are sliding into place. I just got a call from John Morgan this morning. Now there's an excellent reason to miss a chunk of Lulu Wells's excellent extra Bear's Lair broadcast on Mushroom FM out here on the balcony. Haven't heard from John in quite a while now. He's kept pretty busy. However, he'd like to see about Sandy and also see me and the new stuff I've been masterring over the past while. I ran into Sandy as both of us were headding out to different places recently. He sounds alright but hasn't taken any steps to get back in greater touch with me. I don't have his number so John plans on buzzing him when he comes over eventually. Both of us are busy over the next while but we'll get it together at some point soon. It's so damned good to be able to say that. I've spent so much time with no scope for hope or change. That dead time seems to be well and truly over. God seems to have found me new engagement with people at last. Now, I know I'm in the right place at the right time. This need not be a box where I've simply been stuck away by society to slowly rot. There are possibilities to do good and enjoy it in turn. I just needed the right people to come along to hook up my engine to the great machine of life.
It's getting close to noon now. I'll be packing up my netbook and taking my gear inside. The breeeze coming in over the balcony rail has ben very nice. It's time to head in and make my brunch. Haven't had bacon and eggs in quite a while. After brunch, it'll be off to the Dam. Tomorrow, I'll be at Symposium Cafe having lunch with my father. Got a load of laundry to do after that among other chores. My world certainly does keep turning. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Doomsday and Other Happennings
May 22:
Good incredibly early Monday morning. It's just after midnight but it's been a long while since I've felt such a sense of wholeness, hope and restoration. It'll be a while before I turn in despite yesterday's early morning intentional venture from bed. But I'll get to that in due course. There's so very much I ought to blog about.
When last I posted, I was about to go for a TV interview for a new show starting this Fall on the Accessible Channel. Nothing about it went as expected but it was still a very interesting experience. The transportation company hired to pick me up was over an hour late. For me, it was quite a pleasant hour waiting outside during a period of sunshine amid some gloomy days. I met and chatted with some folks outside my building. getting to the studio, the pace picked up as people tried to adjust their timeline to fit my late arrival. A lady put some dry powder on my forehead and didn't seem to worry about the rest of my exposed skin. I guess I had thoughts of being covered in some sort of goo so this was a pleasant surprise. Next, it was into what seemed an overly large studio with acoustics which made it hard to hear my interviewer at times. Presumably, it looked good though. As things turned out though, there wasn't much time to cover the subject at all. I had planned on demonstrating at least a couple of PC games followed by Stem stumper on the iPHONE. Things moved far too rapidly with too much time taken away by the introduction to show and studio. Pong is a great starting game but a very underwelming example of how advanced these games have become over the years. I just hope they provide the links people will need to find out more on their own initiative. There's so much story and fascinating history after nearly fifteen years of audio games but they simply don't offer much eye candy for the lumination dependent. A good radio documentary would do more for us I think. I rode back in a limousine they sent, presumably as a way of making amends for the late trip in. The driver was interesting to chat with. This impressed me far more than some fancy car ever could. And thus ended my first appearance on TV in a very long while.
As predicted, things sort of settled down after that. I say sort of because there was, of course, Mr. Camping's prediction that Judgement Day would fall on Saturday. This man and his organization has come from the fringes and somehow gotten an extraordinary amount of attention. His prediction is the first supernatural doomsday scenario which I've been old enough to consciously observe. I have no memory at all of his 1994 prediction invading my social surroundings at all. Things were very different this time. Everyone was talking about it as well as the people who went to such effort to tell the world that it was about to end.
I have somewhere around 120 followers on Twitter. They're either people I've come to know and respect due to their online efforts or people who seem to think I'm worthy of following for whatever reason. The rapture just kept coming up. None of them really bought it. Many saw it as a perfect example of why we'd be altogether better off without religion. There were endless snarky quips and questions. God won't be judging us on the 21st, Mr. Camping, but on the 22nd, we'll all be judging you. Would god remember to clean up his mess taking the bodies of those raptured up to heaven, or would the rest of us be stuck burying them while dealing with everything else? What time zone was God in again? I couldn't get through a day without someone who knew of my faith asking me weather I really thought the day of reckoning was upon us. I didn't for a moment, but it's strange how much these things unleash even in the sceptical.
It was all supposed to begin in New Zealand at precisely 2 AM Eastern time on Saturday morning or the dreaded 6 PM their time. And where was I when that very first hour of doom fell? I could have quite easily been asleep despite every intention not to be. Meaning to catch the start of Jonathan Mosen's Rapturous Explosion at 1 AM, I thought I'd snatch a couple hours of sleep first. I awoke at around 1:35 AM and was in full virtual attendance before 1:40. Cutting it somewhat closer than I intended but I made it to his virtual non-rapture party. Being agnostic, Mr. Mosen has got to be one of the most respectful people of the beliefs of others Who I've ever encountered. He's a family man who has let all of us follow his journey, come to know his wonderful second wife and children, and genuinely cares about others. He's one of the people in the world who help shape my belief in a kind, merciful and loving God who must surely have a better and more just judgement and end planned for us than what Mr. Camping predicted. I believe that I, as a believer, am saved and will live on in Heaven. If I'm to enjoy my eternal life, it's pretty much imperative that God deals with those good people who don't believe in him fairly. Should he fail to do that, people of conscience like me are going to have extreme difficulty deriving any enjoyment from existence. I don't for a moment believe that all good and deserving people will come to believe in Christ before they reach the end of their lives on Earth. If Doubting Thomas was able to touch him in order to believe, I have to think that God will provide similarly for those whose hearts are in the right place before passing judgement. Beyond the whole "no man shall know the hour" thing in Matthew which instantly gave me a gut level sense that Mr. Camping was just irretrievably off the mark, the utter lack of mercy during his envisioned sequence of world ending events struck me as preposterous. I knew that Mr. Mosen and company would have a fun time with this. Jonathan has been editing sounds, podcasts and shows for years now and the possibilities of what he might do for such an occasion as this were endless. I wanted to catch it all live and participate if I could. How far would he go in the interests of fun? Would fun win out over respectfulness? Might he pretend to be God, or when the time came, try to scare everyone via a well-executed audio mini disaster epic?
Many of my expectations in life have never been realized. This is especially the case in the areas of friendship and love. I have a number of very good friends but most of them are too busy, far away, or both to do a whole lot of regular hanging out with or wouldn't be all that interested in, for instance, going to a festival or other events which I'd have liked to experience. I've remarked on more than one occasion that I don't have many guests at all in the apartment. Also, there's no real place to go where you can just spend time conversing with people without there being other expectations or activities attached. In short, I have yet to really find my in-crowd to live life to the fullest with. That process has certainly slowly begun to happen here. I have some real hope of being in the social position I thought I'd occupy by the time I turned thirty when I hit forty. However, for the present, the closest thing to such a hangout and in-crowd that I've managed to find is being on Twitter while tuned into a show on Mushroom FM. Through listening to shows on this wonderful internet radio station while tweeting with the hosts and other community members, you eventually build a surprising sense of connection. It's a slow process as trivial or funny observations, brief commentaries, and bits of their lives build up like dust in the mind. Eventually, you're surprised by just how much you've come to care about the authors of tweets you've read. Not nearly as vivid or constructive as what you have with people you get together with, it's nevertheless a whole lot more worth-while than one might expect. Agreeing to share brief thoughts over a continual expanse of time builds a different sort of friendship. A year ago, I would have felt utterly cheated once again passing through yet another historic moment entirely alone. However, at some point around last November, things changed. Somehow the self I once was who could find a level of contentment in his circumstances and the bright side in everything was restored to me. In a very real way, I wasn't alone this time around. My apartment might be as empty of people as ever, but I nevertheless had a very real sense of participation with others on my Twitter list who were tuned in and listening. Jonathan and company provided the ambience and event while all of us could tweet in and thereby be a part of it.
Meka, a long-time listener from the US and talented would-be singer, wrote in to say how much she'd miss Jonathan and Julia and how good it was to have known them. Peggy, another American, joked that she was listening to hear Jonathan "get what was coming to him" with a to show she meant it jokingly. Another believer, Ray, expressed the hope that there be beer in Heaven. With the poise and wit we all love him for, Jonathan quickly shot back that Jesus had made wine before so he might be in luck on that score. There were the song requests for REM's End of the World as We Know it, Final Countdown, and Tom Lehrer's We'll all go Together When We Go which spoke volumes of those requesting them. Jonathan's wife Julia was present for part of the show after she had finished preparing a dinner of roast duck. Jonathan remarked during the show that he wasn't certain whether or not Julia would be raptured but that at least dinner was in the oven. Not knowing him, one might easily take that for a dreadfully chauvinistic remark. However, anybody who had listened to either of them for any length of time could only laugh and marvel at the deep abiding love those two have found. The quips and jokes flew thick and fast. A fellow show host in Australia hoped that two believers weren't flying the same airplane because that could get rather dicey.
Considering the whole Noah thing, wouldn't pets get raptured? Where does 2012 come in? Wasn't the world supposed to end then?
One thing that was unleashed in a lot of my followers and I over the past days was a great deal of reflection on our lives. No matter how sceptical we were that they'd soon be over, there were countless tweeted or blogged about moments of that. People glad to have found love, to have lived well, etc. A whole lot of us, myself included, couldn't help but count our blessings publicly. If any good came out of the efforts of Mr. Camping and his followers, I think that kind of thankfulness for what we've had was at least something positive.
Jonathan played All you Need is Love by the Beetles as his "last" song. The countdown came and seemed to fly past exceedingly quickly. As time was pulled out from under me like a magician's tablecloth, I experienced such a crowd of thoughts as to defy description. It couldn't be true, could it? I thought of all the friends I had known and briefly wondered whether any would make it into Mr. Camping's estimated 300 million lucky souls. I was thankful for all the wonderful podcasts, documentaries and shows which had given me so much food for thought over so many lonely days here. I may not have done as much in the world as I'd have liked to but there have been so many interesting trips of the mind. There was regret that I had been unable to find a special lady to have married and possibly shared the moment with. As usual, there was just furniture; The chair and desk which had served me quite well for years, the new Imac computer I was still just getting to know, the recently purchased keyboard my hands were poised on allowing me what human connection I had found at what just might be the end of everything. There were so many snippets of current history both personal and global sweeping through my mind. As I thought of my church, family, the events in space and on Earth, it just seemed so preposterous that it could all be swept away like garbage by any sort of loving God. Earlier in the week, Winamp had picked out Pop Goes the World by Men Without Hats. Hearing the song, I couldn't help but imagine Patrick Stuart, in his Captain Picard voice saying: "Oh the world won't end with a bang. Not even a whimper. Just a playful pop." As it had the first time, that thought forced me into a state of good cheer. And then, at last, the moment arrived. There was an awful stretch of time, a ghastly moment of inevitable dreadful uncertainty. We humans must be hard-wired to accept ideas as true at a subconscious primal level. I had dismissed all of Mr. Camping's thinking as bunk since I first heard of it, but for one brief moment, there was a gap in time where it all seemed plausible. I found myself bracing for some sort of impact and feeling surprisingly light and free of past regret. Even as I sadly contemplated all the good friends I'd never see again and hopes which would never be realized, there was a sense that I had given my best and gotten more than many for my troubles. Were things to actually wind down, I'd have felt robbed of whatever the future holds for me here on Earth. I wasn't the only one to experience that horrid moment of uncertainty. Many people tweeted in a similar sense of surprising relief that nothing had happened. Even Jonathan, as sceptical as he was, admitted to a moment's tention and surprising relief when it became evident that Mr. Camping was off the mark with his timing at the very least. Jonathan and company started to party in earnest now. "It looks like Judgement Day waits for another day. And what better cause for a global party is there? he said as Elton John's Still Standing came on the air.
Considering the sound editing skill this man had at his disposal, we Christians have been shown a good deal of grace by this man. He's a living example of why I'm so careful to keep a guard up when it comes to my religious beliefs. It can do a lot of good provided one doesn't go overboard and start trying to do God's judgement job for him. Sadly, even after such thoughts, that's easier said than done as I would learn not even two days later.
Saturday and Sunday were terrific. I enjoyed a wonderful brunch on my balcony sitting on one of my two new comfortable sling back chairs. The only slight downer was having run out of salsa for my scrambled eggs. I couldn't help thinking that had I been among the far too select group of Christians to have been raptured, I would have lessened the ability of looters who broke into my apartment to enjoy any of the eggs which had yet to go rotten. They'd have to do what I did and use garlic and spice instead. As they say these days, "Oops! My bad." Other than that, I believe I'd have left them in reasonably good shape food-wise. I enjoyed that days' Bear's Lair on Mushroom FM out on the balcony while slowly sipping at a margarita on ice. A cool gentle breeze blew in over the rail. I've spent many long excruciating hours wishing I weren't alone. However, the solitary life does have its sublime moments. One couldn't help but feel renewed living in time that, if only for a brief instance, had been uncertain. This was definitely one of them. After the show, I went out and walked around the lake a few times. I had several conversations and met a woman who was actually named Me. I'm not certain of the right spelling but that's how she said it. Never encountered someone with that name before. Hopefully, I can eventually get to know her further. As the dreaded hour of six o'clock arrived in Ontario, I was at home eating dinner with my parents. We had a good meal, caught some of the news, and then I went to work on dad's laptop. It uses XP Pro and when Microsoft Security Essentials refused to install on it, I thankfully found that Avast would work on his machine. It's a very slow old thing and I'm convinced there's stuff running on it that, being retired, he no longer needs. However, I have no idea what he could remove which would speed things up. He doesn't seem to mind at all. It took quite a while to get things sorted out.
Sunday started with a church service. When Pastor Sam asked us whether we had attended any rapture parties, I hesitantly started to raise my hand while thinking that "Sort of..." might have been the best answer there. Mark and Wendy came over to go out for dinner and Joseph was able to join us. I wanted these three to meet for some time now. As I thought would be the case, we all had a good time. Joseph knew of a burger place called Five Guys that the other three of us had yet to try so we'll hopefully do that eventually. Symposium Cafe got our business that evening. I should have done an audioboo while we were all there. Didn't have it ready to go like I should have. My three guests having left after a stroll around the lake, I decided to get my Trekker Breeze and go back out alone to do something I've waited to do all year.
Long-time readers of this blog may remember the keen sense of frustration I felt last year when I couldn't even find my way out onto the path around the lake near my building to join others during fireworks. I remember sitting on my balcony after at last giving up trying hearing how close the explosions and people enjoying them were but being completely unable to reach them. I've spent the majority of my life basically at the mercy of the willingness of others to attend such events with me. Although I prefer going to activities with people, the confinement of not being able to move around and go where I'd like to on my own terms has at times been very hard to live with. Unless you've been similarly limited in some way, I doubt you could comprehend the effect this has on one's life. This year, at long last, I succeeded in joining the people enjoying the fireworks set off near the lake by my building. It was absolutely wonderful to spend a couple of hours appreciating the sounds and warm weather, walking around in complete confidence of being able to return home, and most importantly, being with people with time and inclination to talk. There were a number of curious kids with questions I was happy to answer. I also met some adults who seemed around my age doing precisely what I was. It felt profoundly good to at last be in this position knowing that even if nothing else ever changed in my life here, there would at least be other such evenings to look forward to. I don't know if I'll encounter the people I met again, but there's at least a little hope on that score. I haven't felt such a sense of triumph, of being part of a community without owing my being present to another person's kindness before. I could hang out as long as I liked, drift around with the crowd, and head back without anybody's help. As things turned out, I did take a wrong turn and get briefly lost on the way back to my apartment. People had largely dispursed by this point so there wasn't anybody immediately there to ask directions of. I had brought my iPHONE on the off chance that I got into some sort of real trouble. However, using the new capability for the Trekker Breeze to route to landmarks, I was able to select one and so get directions back onto the proper pathway. I then set the Breeze to track in on the park entrance of my complex which lead up from the path around the lake. It was a simple matter to find my way back to the building with my wrong turn and recovery merely adding to my sense of long-awaited victory. Here's hoping it doesn't prove to be an overly wet summer this year. Wouldn't that just suck? FTo finally be somewhere I know how to get around only to be stuck indoors? Could happen that way I guess.
Upon getting home, I set up my netbook on the balcony for a while in order to start off this blog entry. However, I soon discovered that there seemed to be bugs out there and that it was starting to cool off. My netbook wasn't on all that long. However, a worm had managed to slip past my defences and access my email address information. It sent many spam messages without my being aware of the problem until I was alerted by people on my Twitter list. Thanks to them, I was able to quickly change my Gmail password preventing the worm from sending more emails. The next day, I set about eliminating the problem using Microsoft Security Essentials. I performed two full scans. They each took around three hours. I did the first one while the netbook was offline to prevent any possibility of spreading further harm. Thankfully, Security Essentials was able to detect and eliminate the problem. I then went online to get any unreceived updates for Windows in general and specifically for Microsoft Security Essentials. Once these were obtained, I took the computer back offline and did a second full scan. Six hours is a long time to wait and a long time for my netbook to be working at full throttle. I don't believe I've ever felt the thing while it was so hot. The fan inside truly got a workout. At last, the scan was done. No threats were detected this time. I've had no reports since of any further spam emails from my account being received by anybody. Remember when I said we should back away from being so willing to judge others? Well, I had a relapse on that score. Before I even really thought about what I was typing, I tweeted "If they rounded up all malware creators and spammers, they could make very good use of a low-yield nuke." In retrospect, this does strike me as perhaps a tad harsh and hasty. I've always tried to be as trust-worthy as possible particularly online. I treet my online identity as seriously as my offline one. They're the same thing and I try to take responsability for whatever is posted online in my name. People who undermine my identity by impersonating me in order to turn a profit will, I hope, get their punnishment. However, perhaps, a low-yield nuke would be a tad too drastic for God's liking. In some parts of the world, people are forced into criminal acts in order to survive or feed their children and one can sympathise after the initial anger of victimhood fades away. As Sandra, a church friend of mine said once, they're all victims too in one way or another. One has to let go and let God. Like I said before, that's a process easier recommended than followed. The human tendency is to lash out in defensiveness and vengefulness.
Helping my friend Joseph move into his new condo was unfortunately another exercise more in frustration than in heavy lifting. For most of the time, there were only three of us. One other man came forward to help when Joseph asked during the church service. However, he was only there for a brief time. Had there been even one more person from the beginning, things may have gone differently for me. As it was, I ended up spending most of the time standing around while the other two moved things. If people just take the twenty seconds needed to explain what they need me to do, I'm perfectly able to lift and even walk backwards while someone tells me where and when to turn. I felt exactly as I did when helping John and Sandy get his computer desk set up. Sandy and I were basically left to converse while John, a kindly octogenarian, put the desk together by himself. Words of explanation are all that are needed to make use of my brain and body. Sadly, it seems like sighted folks would rather spend time recovering from over-strained muscles or backs than take the much shorter time needed to make better use of me. To be ready, willing and able to help but rendered unable to safely do so for a lack of communication is exceedingly frustrating for me. I was eventually taken back home in time to go to the Dam as usual feeling like I could have done much more with the morning. There's nothing for it but to keep putting myself out there and hope that circumstances allow my gifts to be better recognised and put to use.
May 30:
It's now a week later. For a while there, nobody knew what Mr. Camping would do since his prediction had failed to happen. Speculation ranged from him having blown himself away rather than face his disappointed angry followers to all manner of other possibilities regarding what he might come out with next. Like it or not, he's still stuck on the planet with the rest of us. Eventually, Mr. Camping did what a lot of people likely expected him to do. I had held some faint hope that he would come to his senses and admit he was in error. Perhaps then, he would walk away from what the bible clearly says is an impossible task from the start and turn his long years of study to something more benneficial. No such luck though. We're now T minus 5 months and counting. The world will end, acording to Mr. Camping, on October 21. Couldn't he just wait until some time in November letting all the kids enjoy Haloween? There's also the matter of my birthday on October 29th. Come on, God. Hold those horsemen a while, will you? What happens when that date passes by with no drastic events whatsoever? I guess then, he could go for December 21, 2012 and grasp at the straws of the Mayans he has previously laughed at so much. Are there any doomsday predictions after that date? I don't believe I've heard of any at all past 2012. I guess there must be but they haven't caught on culturally at all.
It has certainly been fascinating to have experienced one of these supernaturally based predictions. The whole 2000 world-end stuff always struck me as being more about our ability to wipe ourselves out so I don't really count it as being a widely held supernatural doomsday scenario. The buildup to it had a very different feel than did Mr. Camping's date of reckonning. I pitty his followers who he managed to string along this far and are now prepared to follow him for yet another half-year. His prediction has completely ruined a whole lot of lives. I think of the children caught up in their parents' misplaced zeal. How many families have had their well-earned prosparity erased through a misguided attempt to do God's work? There are countless ramifications. For how many people will Mr. Camping's prediction prove to be the final nail in the coffin of former faith in a loving and merciful God? How many families have been needlessly divided by hurtful remarks and worse as people dealt with this sudden call of "Time's up!"? There's not much one can do to counter the effects of extremists among one's faith. I have an idea how the Muslims must feel as the actions of a very small number of Mohamed's followers get all the attention leaving moderate sensible people to be painted with the same harsh brush of damnation. For my part, I'll continue doing what I've always done; simply try to enjoy the good in God's world as much as I can while attempting to increase it for as many people as I can. In the final annalysis, that's all we can do; show the world through our own conduct, words and actions that we're not all like that. I have a lot of blessings in life. I have a comfortable apartment in an area that I'm finally starting to feel very familiar with. I still take the odd wrong turn but for the first time ever, I can actually imagine a day where I'll be so familiar with my surroundings as not to even have to think about them. Travelling around won't be the act of heavy concentration that it usually is for me. Starvation, freezing to death, and running completely out of money aren't concerns for me unless I did something incredibly foolish. I suppose anything is theoretically possible. It's hard to actually save up money especially with the odd unexpected expense or opportunity popping up. Grocery costs have gone up more than I expected. However, I can still hold my own fairly nicely. I've found a purpose and direction in life through my writing, recorrding events in this blog, and being where I can be of use to others. Unlike many families, my own is very supportive of me. Life on ODSP is so much harder for people without that advantage. I think of the kids at The Dam and hope that God sees fit to help them and their families maintain as healthy relationships as possible. When real life takes the stuffing out of you and crushes your hopes and dreams, it's been my family and some very good friends who have been there to help me pick up the pieces and cary on.
I've gotten up much later than intended after taking my sleeping aid of choice in the small hours being unable to drift off. I believe I'm skirting the edge of insomnia again and will take appropriate defensive measures. Thankfully, there's a lot going on this week. That tends to help. Also, June seems to be shaping up as a busy month overall. I have Minney coming over on thursday for computer assistance and a visit. It'll be good to see her again. There's the Dam tomorrow afternoon. The multiethnic conference covers the tenth through twelfth. The weekend after that, it appears I'll be camping with Ron and his crew of friends. That takes me right past the middle of the month and leaves me looking forward to Canada Day and my week away at Lake Jo. I'm very appreciative of how time just isn't dragging slowly along any more in my life. One or two days in a row with absolutely nothing happening can still be tougher to slog through especially on weekends. Periods where it rains often are becoming more oppressive for me. There have been a number of rainy days and I've noticed that they make me feel more gloomy than they did in earlier years. Whether it's an age-related thing or simply a reaction to having found more freedom outdoors and having that freedom eliminated by rain, or just being more sensitive to dampness in the air, I don't know.
Yesterday, I went to my youngest niece Alleah's christenning. She was very good during the service but people applauded after the baptism and I think that scared her a bit. The service stirred some old memories as it was very similar in ritual and form to what I remember growing up in an Anglican church. I don't believe I could ever go back to attending that kind of services again regularly. Too ritualistic, one was left with the feeling that if one didn't jump through X, Y, and Z hoops, you weren't a proper part of God's kingdom. My faith and innate sense of what's right tells me that the ongoing friendship between oneself and God is far more important. All that ritualistic back-and-forth just doesn't square with what worship is all about for me. Given my own period of wandering and then returning to faith in God, I trust that this will guard and keep her until she's truly ready to decide for herself, as I have, what she believes.
Staring someone's doomsday prediction in the teeth truly makes one conscious of God's gift to us of time. We still have time to wander, explore, live life as fully as our circumstances permit, and find our best potential. There's thankfully still time for us to enjoy what we have and to hope for still more opportunities to add to the richness and scope of our lives. One of these has come upon me this week. I had an excellent conversation with a man named Ryan Strunk. He's a programmer and long-time admirer of an old project I haven't thought much of in damned near a decade. It was a game called Sparkle. He believes he can program it into an audio arcade game, the very thing I had originally envisionned it as. It'll be a very long slow project. Both of us have other things on our plate. Having a game idea of mine actually programmed and playable has been a dream since childhood. It also gives me motivation to start tinkering with Goldwave and my large sound effects collection again. The experience I gain in sound combining and editing will serve me well years down the road when Enchantment's Twilight reaches a point in its development.One way or another, this Summer isn't going to be nearly as much of a creativity washout that last summer was. There's a whole lot more scope for hope on the social front. There'll be a lot more casual conversations with different people as I take greater advantage of the lake environment and perhaps the odd stop in Symposium Cafe for a meal or refreshing fruit smoothey or perhaps something stronger. Ideas are starting to emerge for Enchantment's Twilight. Nothing huge yet, but I'm just grateful it's moving at all at this stage. It adds to the sense that there are possibilities.
Good incredibly early Monday morning. It's just after midnight but it's been a long while since I've felt such a sense of wholeness, hope and restoration. It'll be a while before I turn in despite yesterday's early morning intentional venture from bed. But I'll get to that in due course. There's so very much I ought to blog about.
When last I posted, I was about to go for a TV interview for a new show starting this Fall on the Accessible Channel. Nothing about it went as expected but it was still a very interesting experience. The transportation company hired to pick me up was over an hour late. For me, it was quite a pleasant hour waiting outside during a period of sunshine amid some gloomy days. I met and chatted with some folks outside my building. getting to the studio, the pace picked up as people tried to adjust their timeline to fit my late arrival. A lady put some dry powder on my forehead and didn't seem to worry about the rest of my exposed skin. I guess I had thoughts of being covered in some sort of goo so this was a pleasant surprise. Next, it was into what seemed an overly large studio with acoustics which made it hard to hear my interviewer at times. Presumably, it looked good though. As things turned out though, there wasn't much time to cover the subject at all. I had planned on demonstrating at least a couple of PC games followed by Stem stumper on the iPHONE. Things moved far too rapidly with too much time taken away by the introduction to show and studio. Pong is a great starting game but a very underwelming example of how advanced these games have become over the years. I just hope they provide the links people will need to find out more on their own initiative. There's so much story and fascinating history after nearly fifteen years of audio games but they simply don't offer much eye candy for the lumination dependent. A good radio documentary would do more for us I think. I rode back in a limousine they sent, presumably as a way of making amends for the late trip in. The driver was interesting to chat with. This impressed me far more than some fancy car ever could. And thus ended my first appearance on TV in a very long while.
As predicted, things sort of settled down after that. I say sort of because there was, of course, Mr. Camping's prediction that Judgement Day would fall on Saturday. This man and his organization has come from the fringes and somehow gotten an extraordinary amount of attention. His prediction is the first supernatural doomsday scenario which I've been old enough to consciously observe. I have no memory at all of his 1994 prediction invading my social surroundings at all. Things were very different this time. Everyone was talking about it as well as the people who went to such effort to tell the world that it was about to end.
I have somewhere around 120 followers on Twitter. They're either people I've come to know and respect due to their online efforts or people who seem to think I'm worthy of following for whatever reason. The rapture just kept coming up. None of them really bought it. Many saw it as a perfect example of why we'd be altogether better off without religion. There were endless snarky quips and questions. God won't be judging us on the 21st, Mr. Camping, but on the 22nd, we'll all be judging you. Would god remember to clean up his mess taking the bodies of those raptured up to heaven, or would the rest of us be stuck burying them while dealing with everything else? What time zone was God in again? I couldn't get through a day without someone who knew of my faith asking me weather I really thought the day of reckoning was upon us. I didn't for a moment, but it's strange how much these things unleash even in the sceptical.
It was all supposed to begin in New Zealand at precisely 2 AM Eastern time on Saturday morning or the dreaded 6 PM their time. And where was I when that very first hour of doom fell? I could have quite easily been asleep despite every intention not to be. Meaning to catch the start of Jonathan Mosen's Rapturous Explosion at 1 AM, I thought I'd snatch a couple hours of sleep first. I awoke at around 1:35 AM and was in full virtual attendance before 1:40. Cutting it somewhat closer than I intended but I made it to his virtual non-rapture party. Being agnostic, Mr. Mosen has got to be one of the most respectful people of the beliefs of others Who I've ever encountered. He's a family man who has let all of us follow his journey, come to know his wonderful second wife and children, and genuinely cares about others. He's one of the people in the world who help shape my belief in a kind, merciful and loving God who must surely have a better and more just judgement and end planned for us than what Mr. Camping predicted. I believe that I, as a believer, am saved and will live on in Heaven. If I'm to enjoy my eternal life, it's pretty much imperative that God deals with those good people who don't believe in him fairly. Should he fail to do that, people of conscience like me are going to have extreme difficulty deriving any enjoyment from existence. I don't for a moment believe that all good and deserving people will come to believe in Christ before they reach the end of their lives on Earth. If Doubting Thomas was able to touch him in order to believe, I have to think that God will provide similarly for those whose hearts are in the right place before passing judgement. Beyond the whole "no man shall know the hour" thing in Matthew which instantly gave me a gut level sense that Mr. Camping was just irretrievably off the mark, the utter lack of mercy during his envisioned sequence of world ending events struck me as preposterous. I knew that Mr. Mosen and company would have a fun time with this. Jonathan has been editing sounds, podcasts and shows for years now and the possibilities of what he might do for such an occasion as this were endless. I wanted to catch it all live and participate if I could. How far would he go in the interests of fun? Would fun win out over respectfulness? Might he pretend to be God, or when the time came, try to scare everyone via a well-executed audio mini disaster epic?
Many of my expectations in life have never been realized. This is especially the case in the areas of friendship and love. I have a number of very good friends but most of them are too busy, far away, or both to do a whole lot of regular hanging out with or wouldn't be all that interested in, for instance, going to a festival or other events which I'd have liked to experience. I've remarked on more than one occasion that I don't have many guests at all in the apartment. Also, there's no real place to go where you can just spend time conversing with people without there being other expectations or activities attached. In short, I have yet to really find my in-crowd to live life to the fullest with. That process has certainly slowly begun to happen here. I have some real hope of being in the social position I thought I'd occupy by the time I turned thirty when I hit forty. However, for the present, the closest thing to such a hangout and in-crowd that I've managed to find is being on Twitter while tuned into a show on Mushroom FM. Through listening to shows on this wonderful internet radio station while tweeting with the hosts and other community members, you eventually build a surprising sense of connection. It's a slow process as trivial or funny observations, brief commentaries, and bits of their lives build up like dust in the mind. Eventually, you're surprised by just how much you've come to care about the authors of tweets you've read. Not nearly as vivid or constructive as what you have with people you get together with, it's nevertheless a whole lot more worth-while than one might expect. Agreeing to share brief thoughts over a continual expanse of time builds a different sort of friendship. A year ago, I would have felt utterly cheated once again passing through yet another historic moment entirely alone. However, at some point around last November, things changed. Somehow the self I once was who could find a level of contentment in his circumstances and the bright side in everything was restored to me. In a very real way, I wasn't alone this time around. My apartment might be as empty of people as ever, but I nevertheless had a very real sense of participation with others on my Twitter list who were tuned in and listening. Jonathan and company provided the ambience and event while all of us could tweet in and thereby be a part of it.
Meka, a long-time listener from the US and talented would-be singer, wrote in to say how much she'd miss Jonathan and Julia and how good it was to have known them. Peggy, another American, joked that she was listening to hear Jonathan "get what was coming to him" with a
Considering the whole Noah thing, wouldn't pets get raptured? Where does 2012 come in? Wasn't the world supposed to end then?
One thing that was unleashed in a lot of my followers and I over the past days was a great deal of reflection on our lives. No matter how sceptical we were that they'd soon be over, there were countless tweeted or blogged about moments of that. People glad to have found love, to have lived well, etc. A whole lot of us, myself included, couldn't help but count our blessings publicly. If any good came out of the efforts of Mr. Camping and his followers, I think that kind of thankfulness for what we've had was at least something positive.
Jonathan played All you Need is Love by the Beetles as his "last" song. The countdown came and seemed to fly past exceedingly quickly. As time was pulled out from under me like a magician's tablecloth, I experienced such a crowd of thoughts as to defy description. It couldn't be true, could it? I thought of all the friends I had known and briefly wondered whether any would make it into Mr. Camping's estimated 300 million lucky souls. I was thankful for all the wonderful podcasts, documentaries and shows which had given me so much food for thought over so many lonely days here. I may not have done as much in the world as I'd have liked to but there have been so many interesting trips of the mind. There was regret that I had been unable to find a special lady to have married and possibly shared the moment with. As usual, there was just furniture; The chair and desk which had served me quite well for years, the new Imac computer I was still just getting to know, the recently purchased keyboard my hands were poised on allowing me what human connection I had found at what just might be the end of everything. There were so many snippets of current history both personal and global sweeping through my mind. As I thought of my church, family, the events in space and on Earth, it just seemed so preposterous that it could all be swept away like garbage by any sort of loving God. Earlier in the week, Winamp had picked out Pop Goes the World by Men Without Hats. Hearing the song, I couldn't help but imagine Patrick Stuart, in his Captain Picard voice saying: "Oh the world won't end with a bang. Not even a whimper. Just a playful pop." As it had the first time, that thought forced me into a state of good cheer. And then, at last, the moment arrived. There was an awful stretch of time, a ghastly moment of inevitable dreadful uncertainty. We humans must be hard-wired to accept ideas as true at a subconscious primal level. I had dismissed all of Mr. Camping's thinking as bunk since I first heard of it, but for one brief moment, there was a gap in time where it all seemed plausible. I found myself bracing for some sort of impact and feeling surprisingly light and free of past regret. Even as I sadly contemplated all the good friends I'd never see again and hopes which would never be realized, there was a sense that I had given my best and gotten more than many for my troubles. Were things to actually wind down, I'd have felt robbed of whatever the future holds for me here on Earth. I wasn't the only one to experience that horrid moment of uncertainty. Many people tweeted in a similar sense of surprising relief that nothing had happened. Even Jonathan, as sceptical as he was, admitted to a moment's tention and surprising relief when it became evident that Mr. Camping was off the mark with his timing at the very least. Jonathan and company started to party in earnest now. "It looks like Judgement Day waits for another day. And what better cause for a global party is there? he said as Elton John's Still Standing came on the air.
Considering the sound editing skill this man had at his disposal, we Christians have been shown a good deal of grace by this man. He's a living example of why I'm so careful to keep a guard up when it comes to my religious beliefs. It can do a lot of good provided one doesn't go overboard and start trying to do God's judgement job for him. Sadly, even after such thoughts, that's easier said than done as I would learn not even two days later.
Saturday and Sunday were terrific. I enjoyed a wonderful brunch on my balcony sitting on one of my two new comfortable sling back chairs. The only slight downer was having run out of salsa for my scrambled eggs. I couldn't help thinking that had I been among the far too select group of Christians to have been raptured, I would have lessened the ability of looters who broke into my apartment to enjoy any of the eggs which had yet to go rotten. They'd have to do what I did and use garlic and spice instead. As they say these days, "Oops! My bad." Other than that, I believe I'd have left them in reasonably good shape food-wise. I enjoyed that days' Bear's Lair on Mushroom FM out on the balcony while slowly sipping at a margarita on ice. A cool gentle breeze blew in over the rail. I've spent many long excruciating hours wishing I weren't alone. However, the solitary life does have its sublime moments. One couldn't help but feel renewed living in time that, if only for a brief instance, had been uncertain. This was definitely one of them. After the show, I went out and walked around the lake a few times. I had several conversations and met a woman who was actually named Me. I'm not certain of the right spelling but that's how she said it. Never encountered someone with that name before. Hopefully, I can eventually get to know her further. As the dreaded hour of six o'clock arrived in Ontario, I was at home eating dinner with my parents. We had a good meal, caught some of the news, and then I went to work on dad's laptop. It uses XP Pro and when Microsoft Security Essentials refused to install on it, I thankfully found that Avast would work on his machine. It's a very slow old thing and I'm convinced there's stuff running on it that, being retired, he no longer needs. However, I have no idea what he could remove which would speed things up. He doesn't seem to mind at all. It took quite a while to get things sorted out.
Sunday started with a church service. When Pastor Sam asked us whether we had attended any rapture parties, I hesitantly started to raise my hand while thinking that "Sort of..." might have been the best answer there. Mark and Wendy came over to go out for dinner and Joseph was able to join us. I wanted these three to meet for some time now. As I thought would be the case, we all had a good time. Joseph knew of a burger place called Five Guys that the other three of us had yet to try so we'll hopefully do that eventually. Symposium Cafe got our business that evening. I should have done an audioboo while we were all there. Didn't have it ready to go like I should have. My three guests having left after a stroll around the lake, I decided to get my Trekker Breeze and go back out alone to do something I've waited to do all year.
Long-time readers of this blog may remember the keen sense of frustration I felt last year when I couldn't even find my way out onto the path around the lake near my building to join others during fireworks. I remember sitting on my balcony after at last giving up trying hearing how close the explosions and people enjoying them were but being completely unable to reach them. I've spent the majority of my life basically at the mercy of the willingness of others to attend such events with me. Although I prefer going to activities with people, the confinement of not being able to move around and go where I'd like to on my own terms has at times been very hard to live with. Unless you've been similarly limited in some way, I doubt you could comprehend the effect this has on one's life. This year, at long last, I succeeded in joining the people enjoying the fireworks set off near the lake by my building. It was absolutely wonderful to spend a couple of hours appreciating the sounds and warm weather, walking around in complete confidence of being able to return home, and most importantly, being with people with time and inclination to talk. There were a number of curious kids with questions I was happy to answer. I also met some adults who seemed around my age doing precisely what I was. It felt profoundly good to at last be in this position knowing that even if nothing else ever changed in my life here, there would at least be other such evenings to look forward to. I don't know if I'll encounter the people I met again, but there's at least a little hope on that score. I haven't felt such a sense of triumph, of being part of a community without owing my being present to another person's kindness before. I could hang out as long as I liked, drift around with the crowd, and head back without anybody's help. As things turned out, I did take a wrong turn and get briefly lost on the way back to my apartment. People had largely dispursed by this point so there wasn't anybody immediately there to ask directions of. I had brought my iPHONE on the off chance that I got into some sort of real trouble. However, using the new capability for the Trekker Breeze to route to landmarks, I was able to select one and so get directions back onto the proper pathway. I then set the Breeze to track in on the park entrance of my complex which lead up from the path around the lake. It was a simple matter to find my way back to the building with my wrong turn and recovery merely adding to my sense of long-awaited victory. Here's hoping it doesn't prove to be an overly wet summer this year. Wouldn't that just suck? FTo finally be somewhere I know how to get around only to be stuck indoors? Could happen that way I guess.
Upon getting home, I set up my netbook on the balcony for a while in order to start off this blog entry. However, I soon discovered that there seemed to be bugs out there and that it was starting to cool off. My netbook wasn't on all that long. However, a worm had managed to slip past my defences and access my email address information. It sent many spam messages without my being aware of the problem until I was alerted by people on my Twitter list. Thanks to them, I was able to quickly change my Gmail password preventing the worm from sending more emails. The next day, I set about eliminating the problem using Microsoft Security Essentials. I performed two full scans. They each took around three hours. I did the first one while the netbook was offline to prevent any possibility of spreading further harm. Thankfully, Security Essentials was able to detect and eliminate the problem. I then went online to get any unreceived updates for Windows in general and specifically for Microsoft Security Essentials. Once these were obtained, I took the computer back offline and did a second full scan. Six hours is a long time to wait and a long time for my netbook to be working at full throttle. I don't believe I've ever felt the thing while it was so hot. The fan inside truly got a workout. At last, the scan was done. No threats were detected this time. I've had no reports since of any further spam emails from my account being received by anybody. Remember when I said we should back away from being so willing to judge others? Well, I had a relapse on that score. Before I even really thought about what I was typing, I tweeted "If they rounded up all malware creators and spammers, they could make very good use of a low-yield nuke." In retrospect, this does strike me as perhaps a tad harsh and hasty. I've always tried to be as trust-worthy as possible particularly online. I treet my online identity as seriously as my offline one. They're the same thing and I try to take responsability for whatever is posted online in my name. People who undermine my identity by impersonating me in order to turn a profit will, I hope, get their punnishment. However, perhaps, a low-yield nuke would be a tad too drastic for God's liking. In some parts of the world, people are forced into criminal acts in order to survive or feed their children and one can sympathise after the initial anger of victimhood fades away. As Sandra, a church friend of mine said once, they're all victims too in one way or another. One has to let go and let God. Like I said before, that's a process easier recommended than followed. The human tendency is to lash out in defensiveness and vengefulness.
Helping my friend Joseph move into his new condo was unfortunately another exercise more in frustration than in heavy lifting. For most of the time, there were only three of us. One other man came forward to help when Joseph asked during the church service. However, he was only there for a brief time. Had there been even one more person from the beginning, things may have gone differently for me. As it was, I ended up spending most of the time standing around while the other two moved things. If people just take the twenty seconds needed to explain what they need me to do, I'm perfectly able to lift and even walk backwards while someone tells me where and when to turn. I felt exactly as I did when helping John and Sandy get his computer desk set up. Sandy and I were basically left to converse while John, a kindly octogenarian, put the desk together by himself. Words of explanation are all that are needed to make use of my brain and body. Sadly, it seems like sighted folks would rather spend time recovering from over-strained muscles or backs than take the much shorter time needed to make better use of me. To be ready, willing and able to help but rendered unable to safely do so for a lack of communication is exceedingly frustrating for me. I was eventually taken back home in time to go to the Dam as usual feeling like I could have done much more with the morning. There's nothing for it but to keep putting myself out there and hope that circumstances allow my gifts to be better recognised and put to use.
May 30:
It's now a week later. For a while there, nobody knew what Mr. Camping would do since his prediction had failed to happen. Speculation ranged from him having blown himself away rather than face his disappointed angry followers to all manner of other possibilities regarding what he might come out with next. Like it or not, he's still stuck on the planet with the rest of us. Eventually, Mr. Camping did what a lot of people likely expected him to do. I had held some faint hope that he would come to his senses and admit he was in error. Perhaps then, he would walk away from what the bible clearly says is an impossible task from the start and turn his long years of study to something more benneficial. No such luck though. We're now T minus 5 months and counting. The world will end, acording to Mr. Camping, on October 21. Couldn't he just wait until some time in November letting all the kids enjoy Haloween? There's also the matter of my birthday on October 29th. Come on, God. Hold those horsemen a while, will you? What happens when that date passes by with no drastic events whatsoever? I guess then, he could go for December 21, 2012 and grasp at the straws of the Mayans he has previously laughed at so much. Are there any doomsday predictions after that date? I don't believe I've heard of any at all past 2012. I guess there must be but they haven't caught on culturally at all.
It has certainly been fascinating to have experienced one of these supernaturally based predictions. The whole 2000 world-end stuff always struck me as being more about our ability to wipe ourselves out so I don't really count it as being a widely held supernatural doomsday scenario. The buildup to it had a very different feel than did Mr. Camping's date of reckonning. I pitty his followers who he managed to string along this far and are now prepared to follow him for yet another half-year. His prediction has completely ruined a whole lot of lives. I think of the children caught up in their parents' misplaced zeal. How many families have had their well-earned prosparity erased through a misguided attempt to do God's work? There are countless ramifications. For how many people will Mr. Camping's prediction prove to be the final nail in the coffin of former faith in a loving and merciful God? How many families have been needlessly divided by hurtful remarks and worse as people dealt with this sudden call of "Time's up!"? There's not much one can do to counter the effects of extremists among one's faith. I have an idea how the Muslims must feel as the actions of a very small number of Mohamed's followers get all the attention leaving moderate sensible people to be painted with the same harsh brush of damnation. For my part, I'll continue doing what I've always done; simply try to enjoy the good in God's world as much as I can while attempting to increase it for as many people as I can. In the final annalysis, that's all we can do; show the world through our own conduct, words and actions that we're not all like that. I have a lot of blessings in life. I have a comfortable apartment in an area that I'm finally starting to feel very familiar with. I still take the odd wrong turn but for the first time ever, I can actually imagine a day where I'll be so familiar with my surroundings as not to even have to think about them. Travelling around won't be the act of heavy concentration that it usually is for me. Starvation, freezing to death, and running completely out of money aren't concerns for me unless I did something incredibly foolish. I suppose anything is theoretically possible. It's hard to actually save up money especially with the odd unexpected expense or opportunity popping up. Grocery costs have gone up more than I expected. However, I can still hold my own fairly nicely. I've found a purpose and direction in life through my writing, recorrding events in this blog, and being where I can be of use to others. Unlike many families, my own is very supportive of me. Life on ODSP is so much harder for people without that advantage. I think of the kids at The Dam and hope that God sees fit to help them and their families maintain as healthy relationships as possible. When real life takes the stuffing out of you and crushes your hopes and dreams, it's been my family and some very good friends who have been there to help me pick up the pieces and cary on.
I've gotten up much later than intended after taking my sleeping aid of choice in the small hours being unable to drift off. I believe I'm skirting the edge of insomnia again and will take appropriate defensive measures. Thankfully, there's a lot going on this week. That tends to help. Also, June seems to be shaping up as a busy month overall. I have Minney coming over on thursday for computer assistance and a visit. It'll be good to see her again. There's the Dam tomorrow afternoon. The multiethnic conference covers the tenth through twelfth. The weekend after that, it appears I'll be camping with Ron and his crew of friends. That takes me right past the middle of the month and leaves me looking forward to Canada Day and my week away at Lake Jo. I'm very appreciative of how time just isn't dragging slowly along any more in my life. One or two days in a row with absolutely nothing happening can still be tougher to slog through especially on weekends. Periods where it rains often are becoming more oppressive for me. There have been a number of rainy days and I've noticed that they make me feel more gloomy than they did in earlier years. Whether it's an age-related thing or simply a reaction to having found more freedom outdoors and having that freedom eliminated by rain, or just being more sensitive to dampness in the air, I don't know.
Yesterday, I went to my youngest niece Alleah's christenning. She was very good during the service but people applauded after the baptism and I think that scared her a bit. The service stirred some old memories as it was very similar in ritual and form to what I remember growing up in an Anglican church. I don't believe I could ever go back to attending that kind of services again regularly. Too ritualistic, one was left with the feeling that if one didn't jump through X, Y, and Z hoops, you weren't a proper part of God's kingdom. My faith and innate sense of what's right tells me that the ongoing friendship between oneself and God is far more important. All that ritualistic back-and-forth just doesn't square with what worship is all about for me. Given my own period of wandering and then returning to faith in God, I trust that this will guard and keep her until she's truly ready to decide for herself, as I have, what she believes.
Staring someone's doomsday prediction in the teeth truly makes one conscious of God's gift to us of time. We still have time to wander, explore, live life as fully as our circumstances permit, and find our best potential. There's thankfully still time for us to enjoy what we have and to hope for still more opportunities to add to the richness and scope of our lives. One of these has come upon me this week. I had an excellent conversation with a man named Ryan Strunk. He's a programmer and long-time admirer of an old project I haven't thought much of in damned near a decade. It was a game called Sparkle. He believes he can program it into an audio arcade game, the very thing I had originally envisionned it as. It'll be a very long slow project. Both of us have other things on our plate. Having a game idea of mine actually programmed and playable has been a dream since childhood. It also gives me motivation to start tinkering with Goldwave and my large sound effects collection again. The experience I gain in sound combining and editing will serve me well years down the road when Enchantment's Twilight reaches a point in its development.One way or another, this Summer isn't going to be nearly as much of a creativity washout that last summer was. There's a whole lot more scope for hope on the social front. There'll be a lot more casual conversations with different people as I take greater advantage of the lake environment and perhaps the odd stop in Symposium Cafe for a meal or refreshing fruit smoothey or perhaps something stronger. Ideas are starting to emerge for Enchantment's Twilight. Nothing huge yet, but I'm just grateful it's moving at all at this stage. It adds to the sense that there are possibilities.
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