Waiting

Hello everyone. Ever since friday, I've once again found myself with the prospect of long-awaited and hoped for profound life change dangled in front of me. There's a good possibility that an apartment in Mississauga will be made affordable to live in for me by the government. Counting the time I spent married, I've been waiting around ten years. One of the major pressure factors which killed the marriage was the lack of affordable housing. The only opportunity which ever came for us happened soon after we had signed a year-long leace which there was no legal way out of. This time, presuming my application is accepted by the landlord, nothing like that will get in the way. I can simply plunge into the batchler's life I was ready for when I separated from Rebecca. At last, I would have a place I could truly think of as my home. All the living skills I have will at last be put to good use again in a kitchen and apartment arranged with my needs and ease of life in mind rather than my parents. I'd at last have my own place to have guests where I could take proper care of them. Also, knowing where I was to live on a permanent basis, I could look into volunteer opportunities requiring a long-term commitment. Any time I spent learning routes to get places would be time well invested since my situation wouldn't be subject to change coming out of the blue.

My parents and I went to see the apartment on sunday afternoon. Frankly, I would be very hard pressed to imagine a better place for me. It's far more spacious than I would have expected. The elevator and laundry feature raised buttons so I wouldn't have to label everything in braille. Also, regarding laundry, the machines are coin-operated. No more worrying about a card running out unexpectedly. The oven has dials so I could actually use it. The place is also relatively near my church as well as the Meadowvale Town Centre where Symposium Cafe is. Learning to walk to my parents' house wouldn't be too hard either. The balcony is also big enough to have a few guests out on it in suitable weather. After the colder reception I've experienced in other potential places, it was very refreshing to have the woman I met there think positively rather than assume I was incapable or worry what I might damage.

Now, I've filled out the application and am waiting to find out whether it's approved by the landlord. The experience on sunday afternoon was so positive that I had dared to think that perhaps, the long delayed winds of change were about to at last blow my way. Everything felt so right about the place. There are at least a few more disabled people living there so it's not like I'm in the trail-breaking position. Nice to have a bit of a break from that now and then. As more time passes, I find that the optimism I had is somewhat dwindling. There's no real rational reason for this. My credit rating is quite good since I always pay off my credit card right away. You'd think that would count in my favour. I have no criminal record which should also help. All I need is for a complete stranger to say "yes". That might seem like much more of a sure thing even after the nail-biting wait now well into its second day had I not so recently been abandonned by a woman who I had every reason to trust would marry me. I've gone from thinking that this opportunity was too good to be true to an optimism for the future I wasn't certain I would ever feel again, and now, I'm at an awkward midpoint hanging by a thread. Will this possibility also vanish? The answer is utterly outside my control.

Even for a man known for his patience as I seem to be, this waiting is hard. I couldn't do creative writing to save my life. I have to first know whether I can at last move on or whether I'll be stuck here one step removed from proper adult life for God knows how much longer. Yesterday, I read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I had heard that Peter Jackson, who did such a marvelous job with the LOTR trillogy, was the director for a film based on Alice's novel. The novel wasn't my usual cup of tea but certainly passed the time wonderfully. It has an interesting take on the afterlife where people have their own versions of heaven which intersect each other in places. I won't wreck the story for anybody. However, it's certainly worth the read. When faced with situations where so much of one's future is outside one's control, it helps to keep my gripes and worries in proper perspective. As restricted by circumstance as I feel, I can at least enjoy my family and friends. Things may not be ideal, but reading that book and hearing the most recent From Our Own Correspondents podcast from the BBC, I know that I'm still comparatively quite fortunate. Doubtless, the film of The Lovely Bones will turn out alright. Hard to imagine Peter screwing anything up too terribly. Today, while waiting for that fateful phonecall, I have a number of podcasts to go through. So far, email hasn't proved to be very interesting. That could change as Christmas draws a little closer.

I'm very thankful that the holidays are so close. Should this chance for change be snatched away from me as the last one was, I'll at least have that to cushion the letdown. Also, I at last know that I'm on a position in the waiting list where people are actively looking for a place for me to live. Until last friday, I had absolutely no idea if I was even close to the top. It's nice to have at least the knowledge that my entrapment in this comfortable place on life's sidelines is finally that one step closer to being over. Thankfully, time isn't dragging despite having only five hours of sleep. I'm not too tired. However, I don't think I'll be playing any accessible games today. I don't have that kind of focus. Books, tv and podcasts will have to carry me through until the suspense ends one way or the other. When that happens, I won't keep you, my faithful readers, waiting overly long.