The Stuff of Life

Hello everyone.It's been longer than I thought it would be between blog entries. The new normal has settled in. Easter has come and gone once again leaving a legacy of love, forgiveness, family and food. Things have been quite peaceful and placid this past while. I've enjoyed good health and there's been plenty to keep me busy.

Easter was quite good this year. Unlike Christmas where I attended church on neither Christmas Eve or day due to family activities, I caught both services at Easter. There could well come a point in my life when I no longer have any family in easy reach. I therefore take most if not quite every opportunity to be a part of things. Increasingly, more occasions are coming up when I could actually do otherwise. That's still a relatively new phenomenon for me. I got to hear my nieces go on a very fast egg hunt. It was all in one room of my parents' house and the action was caught wonderfully on Audioboo. They found everything in well under the five minute time span I can capture at once with the service. The microphone in the iPHONE is really quite good. I just wish there was more control over the noise cancellation for when you want to capture more of the background noises. I'm glad I managed to record that little slice of life. Things seem to be going well for Dan and his part of the family. They had a great trip to the US recently and the kids seem to be enjoying their days in school. Here's hoping that lasts. I guess it'll be Ava's birthday soon again. Haven't really come across anything superspecial to get for her but I guess there's still a little time.

The new CNIB digital library has at last been unveiled. I've been able to circumnavigate the odd bug thanks to my multiple screen-readers, two browsers and some patience. Firefox seems to work best so far. I certainly appreciate the increased number of books available for download. This includes some long-time cherished favourites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo. I also enjoyed Jay Ingram's The Burning house, a non-fiction book about what is known about the human brain.

It's been nice catching up with friends lately. I've also started getting to know some additional people over a new app for the iPHONE called Zello. There's also a version for the PC. It works pretty well. Earle and a few other old friends use the app also. It works a lot like a walkie talkie with the addition of channels both public and private. Like most other such apps, I don't tend to have it open unless and until I actually want to chat. I've touched base with a few old friends, Earle included. I've also had some good conversation with Jessica, a lady in the states living in one of these house-trailers I've read about but have yet to actually feel. They apparently shake quite a bit when the wind picks up. Hannah, a listener of Mushroom FM who lives in the Philippines,told me quite a bit about what it's like for blind people there. They don't have any sort of social services or benefits. I was curious whether this provided any greater incentive for people to actually hire the disabled. Sadly, this is yet another of these idiotic theories that business-supportive idiots love to toss out there. Her experience has been pretty dismal. She's supported entirely by her family and can't easily travel around. There's all sorts of pressure to get a job that nobody wants to give her. A degree in computer science could very easily just go to waste and nobody over there would think twice about it. Although not very lucrative, my education has, I feel, been a substantial benefit to me and those who have come to know me in life here. She briefly had a job as an online language translator and conversational tutor but the experience left her feeling very exploited and drained with no money to show for it. I hope she catches a lucky break and wins through somehow. I wish I could help in some way. As it is with many people, I help her by having and taking the time to be an understanding listener who can, at least a little, relate to what she's going through.

I tend to like using gwconnect for Skype communications. Mainly these days, I've been talking with Rose. We make good sounding boards for each other but still run into patches where I tend to run out of patience. I get a strong sense of being productive, of doing something useful when I can be available for her. With all the crap she's gone through, she needs someone to vent to. If I can be even a small part of her journey to truly settle in and become a healthy part of the church community, then I've done a good thing. She has so much sheer knowledge and thought to offer that it takes your breath away. She seems to think some woman's going to find me soon and I won't have nearly as much time for her. As much as I'd dearly loved to believe her, I just can't. Similar to the whole god-guided versus reality-governed universe, all the signs in my experience point to a long stretch of single life ahead of me in a world of increasingly fragile fragmented busy people who don't truly value what I do. I've done everything I can within reason to increase my chances. Certainly, God could pull some long convoluted strings in the fabric of reality and bring a suitable woman into my proximity. While I hope that happens, I won't hold my breath while waiting nor spend any more time moping if it doesn't. I'll do my best to keep positive, to do what I believe God wants me to do, look for any places in life where what I know or discover can be of help to people, and continue to count my life's many blessings.

In around ten days, I'll be hosting a gathering at my apartment for Rose. She has nearly completed her hundred days in a row of Yoga. A damned remarkable feat considering the chronic pain and sleep deprivation she has experienced. Things are at last looking up for her. It helps to finally have a diagnosis. People are less likely to dismiss her concerns and will hopefully appreciate her efforts more in that light.

Work on Enchantment's Twilight continues. Just now, it's entering a somewhat dull patch that I can't say I relish overly. I'm trying to find the proper size for the board to be, a balance between speed of travel and there still being room for special locations and journey-related character development and events to occur to the characters. It would help tremendously if I could settle on a good travel system which felt experientially satisfying. It has to serve the purposes of getting characters from A to B, making travel fun, and adding to the overall atmosphere of the game. Pure random dice rolls don't quite give me what I'm after but neither does a completely predictable deterministic system. I believe I may be inching closer to an acceptable midpoint between the two but won't count my chickens before they hatch in this instance. A whole lot of old preconceptions have been tossed away and for now, a lot of balls are hanging in the air. The whole magic system breakthrough has opened quite a sizeable can of worms. It'll make for a very interesting Summer creatively. Another catalyst for all this change was another excellent game design book I just read. The Art of Game Design; A book of Lenses by Jesse Schell easily ranks among the top three game design books I've ever read. It makes for an excellent counterpoint to Ernest Adams's Fundamentals of Game Design. Thanks to Mr. Schell's more artistic sense of what it takes to achieve a game which gives the experience of fun, I feel much more properly directed as I set about nailing down the core aspects of Enchantment's Twilight. Mr. Adams has given me the order in which to try to accomplish things while Mr. Shell has given me tools to examine that work in a new light. Strange that one of the first results of reading the book is to be faced with the necessity of changing the board length and system of travel. But there's just no getting around it. The results are that critical, a bedrock on which to build the more creative castles in the air. Even in this important work, dealing with numbers continuously for this extended period has tinted life with the gloom that complicated numeric reality beyond the very basics always has. I've just never found mathematics enjoyable. Thankfully, they'll be behind the scenes when the player experiences them.

Looking ahead to the Summer, I'm actually quite confident it'll be interesting in other more social ways also this year. I've got my annual trip to Lake Jo scheduled for the start of July. I hope I can have as good a vacation as I did last year and come back without then getting sick as has happened a couple of times now. Hoping for the start of a steady love relationship on top of that stroke of good fortune is, I think, too optimistic even for me. There'll be the occasional trip to Canada's Wonderland with Carine and Kevin. I'm also hopeful of one or more excursions downtown to see Steve, Earle, Meko and the rest of that gang of good people. Slowly, more zest seems to be coming into life. May that process long continue.

No real action is happening on the relationship front. This past year has already seen two false starts. Not even a nibble from Plenty of Fish even after I finally figured out how to un hide my profile. Figured that might help a tad but experience isn't backing that assumption up so far. Meanwhile, my projects, online chats, visits with friends and a whole raft of podcasts and even TV are coming to my rescue. I'm certainly not wallowing through the muck of time anymore. Still, there's that void in life which just won't seem to go away. Too many thoughts, experiences and moments that I keenly wish were building blocks of a steady love. Thanks to this reserve of cheerfulness and an increasing sense of community connection, the square pegs I try to force into that round void work somewhat better than they once did. And yet, all too often, that emptiness makes itself felt. Is there truly no woman out there unspoken for who would either find my life interesting enough to share or, failing that, actually offer me a stable alternative? I wish I were one of those people who truly believed that God had pre-destined everything. Being patient is a whole lot easier when one has faith that God has picked out someone special just for you. I just can't subscribe to belief in a universe that really works that way. Well-wishers have offered that old platitude that "someone will come along at the right time.", or that whole notion that "the right person" simply hasn't appeared yet but will eventually. Both notions simply ring hollow to me. God need not control everything, solve every problem, and work miracles to a point where they're too common to be called such. Randomness and coincidence are plain facts of life to me. Virtue, compassion and prayer don't always lead to the positive outcomes we strive for. People far more faithful and devout than I have been left to suffer far worse fates than unwilling unemployment and singledom. Compared to getting nailed to a cross, I have the perspective to think I have it pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. That perspective helps in the same way that being thankful your leg wasn't blown off by a landmine lessens one's itch while suffering bites from black flies. I'm still in for countless days alone, conversations with people too distant to ever be more than friendly voices, counting and enjoying my many blessings in life in solitude when I'd be ecstatic to be able to share them.

The weather has been somewhat unseasonably warm lately with a few brutal reminders that we're not quite through with cold just yet. I've begun walking to the Dam on my own again. So far, things are working quite well. There's still a sense of uncertainty. I can't really let my guard down and just casually walk the route. However, it has stuck with me more solidly over the Winter break than any route has before. That area with the three gates and Basketball court is still all too easy to get badly turned around in. However, I'm getting better at recovering when this happens provided the GPS is locked in. The Trekker Breeze is doing quite well these days. I just wish there were more places within walking distance worth getting to often enough so the routes would at last stick semi coherently in my head.

I mentioned square pegs earlier. One of the latest I've tried out is a little audio game called Swamp. It's basically a first-person shooter for the blind pitting players against a zombie apocalypse. I finally remembered that I did indeed still have an old optical mouse and thought I'd give the game a spin. It's actually surprisingly addictive. I've always wondered if I'd actually enjoy such games provided they were accessible. Friends would talk about spending hours playing Doom, Quake and such and I just couldn't fathom how they sustained their focus. What kept them coming back? Now, I have an idea of how that works. If your character dies before reaching the safe zone with his or her loot, everything is lost but one's reputation and experience points. You can be walking around with advanced weapons and loads of ammo, get chewed up before making it back to the safe zone, and be forced to start yet again with nothing but an axe and pistol. It's keenly frustrating but you just keep hoping that luck will at last favour the bold and you'll come back with something impressive to donate for increased reputation. It's the old "Next time, things will work out better" pernicious pull that I guess hard-core gamblers must feel even as they sink into inescapable debt. Added to this pull is the very cathartic act of confronting a purely evil threat with the inability to even accidentally harm one's fellow players. It's a game with no real moral complications. You can blast those zombies to bits without any repercussions other than positive ones. Very unrealistic and therefore, most appealing. A clean safe way to blow off stress or anxt provided one has the discipline to stop. That is, in essence, the moral catch.

Complicating things for me is my poor orientation skill. I'm dead serious here. The game takes place in a map of a town with stores, houses, etc to go on scavenging missions in. I find it extremely difficult to keep a good sense of direction even with all the sonic aids. I've been killed numerous times right by the safe zone because I couldn't find the small entrance to it. Even when I remember in my panic that it's on the west side, it's still just a small gap in a solid wall. Buildings are pretty much deathtraps. It's so easy to get hopelessly turned around in them. I have yet to succeed in recovering an item needed for a quest. I keep getting lost and subsequently killed in the narrow confines of building corridors and other tight areas. This game could and should be used by orientation and mobility instructors. Finding my way around is nearly as time-consuming and frustrating as it is for me in real life. The only consolation is that you can just stop and do something else without actually being lost hours away from home. If you could actually hoof it around as quickly as your character with such impunity to muscles and energy, you really would be damned far away when you discovered how woefully lost you had become. And of course, being able to run at full tilt even while packing a minnigun is another power trip in and of itself. While wielding it, you actually have to crouch and brace the gun before firing it. Walking while wielding it does slow you down to a crawl. However, just pull out your axe or some other weapon and you can quickly carry that minnigun to where it needs to be.

Offsetting the navigation frustration is the pull of participating in a community of sorts. You can hear someone getting chewed to bits by a zombie and come to their rescue. Some of the expert players will actually carry on text conversations while on missions. The mouse really does help you move and shoot with more fluidity and precision. I keep hoping that I'll come up lucky and get enough reputation points to get me out of this starting grind and into the larger parts of the game like missions. Alternatively, I keep wondering when the painfully slow progress plus the annoyance of finding my way around will dissuade me from continuing to play at all. I've already seen the better part of two days pretty much vanish on me. Were it not for the fact that I've rearranged cords and items on my desk so that the long-neglected mouse has a home, I'd have to pinch myself to be certain I hadn't dreamed it and that today is, in fact, Thursday already! I haven't spent anywhere near that much time playing King of Dragon Pass yet and it offers far more substance and sense of meaningful accomplishment. How has Swamp just sucked away so much time? Even though I can barely get around, I think it's that sense of there being a community of real people not unlike myself who are engaged in an unreal but nonetheless epic quest for survival. I'm fitting yet another square peg into a round hole and just now coming to grips with what an imperfect fit it is. I dearly wish I could get lost in a real experience, even the relatively ordinary experiences of daily life, with real people on a more regular basis. Most of all though, I wish I could find love with a woman who shared most of my values and at least some of my interests.

Looking at the larger picture, a few news items have caught my interest over the past while. This being the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic's doomed voyage, all sorts of things are happening to commemorate it. An actual ship with passengers has set sail and will follow the Titanic's exact route across the Atlantic. At least one of the people I follow on Twitter is interested enough to have tuned into a feed reenacting the voyage with tweets about events at the times they occurred. There's a kind of creepy fascination that makes me pause for thought whenever I come across one of those. I've been meaning to find out more about how the modern reenacted journey is doing but have yet to get around to that. There's also a large collection of recovered artefacts which may go up for auction. That's sparking quite a controversy over the prospect of profiting from what some see as a grave site. Personally, I'm rather inclined to hope that the stuff of my life, understanding my circumstances and thoughts, etc, is worth bothering with enough so that the stuff of my life doesn't end up lying untouched and unwanted somewhere slowly disintegrating. The mind boggles at the risk and ingenuity needed to recover anything from that depth. Surely, those who have risked everything to recover historically valuable items deserve something for their troubles. Archaeology has rid us of many false conceptions and improved our understanding about where we've all come from.

Apparently, this is also the active season for the large hadron collider so there could be some interesting news coming from that quarter over the next while. Thanks largely to Rose, I'm now far more likely to hear about scientific developments via Twitter than I am anywhere else. I've begun to follow @bigthink, a fountain of large-scale thoughts scientific and otherwise. It's another square peg in a round hole making me feel more connected than I actually am. There have been some wonderful podcasts lately. From Our Own Correspondents is up to its usual quality. Everything from a meeting with a Japanese travelling poet and a Buddhist monk who drives fast and loves progressive rock to reporter's reflections on what it was like to cover the war in Sarajevo twenty years ago. I have vague memories of hearing news about that. It was certainly felt on the erindale Campus where I got my degree. Tapestry has let loose some excellent food for thought. I enjoyed hearing the perspective of an agnostic who, much as I had, made peace with his position of not knowing for certain whether there was a God. There was also an excellent episode which looked at the collision of religion and comedy. Am I forever doomed to hear so much excellent food for stimulating conversation while completely alone? It damned well feels like that's the case.

In order to balance the books, the government is making cuts all over the place. We're going to lose all sorts of people from health workers to food inspectors to border guards and people from the CBC. There's no real stopping this. We voted for this majority government and it can now pretty much do what it pleases. We're going to experience as a country what less of pretty much everything one would really want from a government feels like. I worry that these cuts will go too far and we'll end up with completely preventable tragedy as a consequence. Dad, on the other hand, thinks there's sufficient excess bureaucracy built up everywhere so that there really won't be much impact other than actually better balanced books. Back on election day, I was completely disenchanted with the continual wobbling about our government seemed to be stuck in. Elections kept being called before anything really substantial could get done. I was absolutely disgusted with the degree to which our leaders just couldn't work with each other instead of trying to grab power. Well we're now most definitely headed solidly in the direction of a smaller civil service and government. I hope those who now wield the axes in Ottawa are a heaping lot better at precision waste reduction and job cutting than I am at killing zombies with my digital axe in Swamp. I would have felt a whole lot better had the Liberals carried the day instead of being utterly decimated. Still, it could all work out for the best. the new NDP leader at least sounds good when he talks. We'll see what he can accomplish while leading the official opposition.

Tomorrow, I'll be heading over to Michelle and Gerry's. It's been a little while. Only one computer problem known about in advance effecting Michelle's ability to hear audioboos. At least I've already supplied the material for testing. I don't expect it'll be a very hard nut to crack but I've been wrong before. She's had some interesting and different problems with her computer. Nothing beets that one where the bloody clock wasn't set and therefore, nothing would work since it reported a date around 2005 or so. Her version of Jaws had yet to be written so its security wouldn't let her computer actually talk. Unbelievably simple presuming one can see and read the clock. Utterly insoluble without sighted help/knowledge. I would have suspected everything else first including the sound card. It's always fun to expose both of them to new thoughts and ideas. I always come away feeling like I've done something worth-while. They appreciate my efforts whether or not they're successful and are just all-around good simple folk caught in the interweb age.

I guess that pretty much covers what sticks in the mind from the past while. I've doubtless forgotten to write about some stuff I discussed in my far more frequent boos at:
www.audioboo.fm
I find it a whole lot more natural to just let those loose but will keep trying to update this blog a tad more regularly than I have of late. Until next time, faithful readers.

A Busy Eventful Winter

Hello everyone. It's been too damned long since I've written one of these. Quite an interesting month in terms of thoughts and actions. Over the past couple of weeks, I experienced a slight illness and dealing with its aftereffects on my sleep. Nothing too serious compared to what I had last year. Just tiredness combined with a slight head ache and stuffed nose. Everything has returned to normal now with the exception of my sleep schedule. There have been some interesting food discoveries lately. In the realm of tea, I've become a staunch supporter and fan of the Stash brand. Stash Chai Spice Black Tea is remarkably good stuff. While contending with my insomnia, I came across a sealed box in the back of my tea shelf and thought I'd see what offered. As soon as I ripped open one of the packages, I knew I had struck gold. This stuff tastes absolutely splendid. The bags are very well stored in packets. I'll definitely be ordering more of this stuff.

Things have gone very well so far this year. The only real fly in the ointment is the lack of any real progress at the Dam. I've sat my hours having hardly said a word to the youths I'm supposed to be relating to. I've just got to keep showing up and hope for opportunities. It's just a very slow business.

A few Sundays ago, I attended both a former neighbour's 40th birthday celebration and my youngest niece's first birthday bash. Each event was excellent in its own way. Danni is someone I've known since my family first moved to Mississauga just before I began secondary school. She's a very interesting lady who just seemed to always move in different circles. We've probably exchanged more words on Twitter than in person. I tend to only see her at family gatherings. Once in a while, we've done stuff together with her friend Jacqui. They wanted to try a restaurant where you eat in the dark. That was certainly an interesting meal as they experienced something perfectly natural for me. Clearly, Danni had no idea what she was in for and was very moved by everyone in attendance of her celebration. We didn't get to chat much but it was still nice to be there, a part of the cast of people whose lives are somehow connected with her. She's certainly a terrific Twitter companion. It gave me cause to reflect on the impact I've had on people and how many are, in one way or another, an ongoing part of the life I lead. My own 40th birthday could very well occasion a similarly diverse gathering of family, friends, believers and non-believers who've been a part of my own journey. Despite all the time I've spent alone over the years, I've really got a lot to be proud of. Still more to be thankful for. I seem to have reached a kind of turning point which could mean that the next three years will see an abundance of new memories made from adventures with others.

Alleah thoroughly enjoyed her first birthday party. This included Felix the Fish, a stuffed toy I was rewarded from Bigfish Games after being a member for a continuous year. Mom has really enjoyed their games over the past few years I've been getting them for her as gifts. I wasn't really certain which of my nieces the fish would prove suitable for until I felt its sise. Apparently, the big mouth on the fish looks friendly enough for her. That was the only slight concern I had as I passed it to her. She seems to really like it though. By far, the biggest highlight was a toy car that she can sit in and beep the horn of. She just loved that thing. Ava and Amia were a tad under the weather but still full of beans. They love dad's iPAD. He's been getting some games for them to play on it. Even Amia's doing quite well because of how intuitive the interface is.

I don't have any memories at all from that early in life. Once in a while, as my old baby and toddler toys have been passed on, I've felt some that have seemed extra familiar to me. I remember some squeezable rubber dice I used to have. I also distinctly remember a ball of shapes where you put the shapes into the correct holes. However, I can't actually remember playing with these objects. Just what they felt like. It's hard to really sort out where in early life that curtain falls away and actual ordered memories commence. I remember my first day at W. Ross McDonald School for the Blind. Further back, I remember a day in kinder garden when a bulletin board fell on me. I don't remember anything else surrounding that point in time, just the instant of the board hitting me unexpectedly. I remember getting my toncels out and being in the hospital with a damnably sore throat. It seems like very soon after that came our family's trip to Disney World. I can't remember anything about the time in between those events. I wonder what Alleah will remember when she's my age. Does sight provide enough of an additional layer of experience that memory of the distant past remains less fragmented? I can't help but wonder how much of this time will remain coherent in my memory thirty years or so from now. This past year and a half in particular has been a very formative time. And then there's the sweep of exhilaration, of the canvasses of relationship and of work on Enchantment's Twilight. There's suddenly so much scope for meaningful exploration. Add to that the church community and the interesting places, both mental and physical, that it has taken me to. Without the aid of my blog and audio recordings, how much of what I feel now will I be able to recall later?

I've had a major breakthrough with Enchantment's Twilight thanks to my friend Rose who attends the same church as I do. I was telling her about one of the better ideas for a special location on the island that I had come up with. That lead to a discussion which resulted in her giving me a foundational idea for a nifty magic system I can use in my game. Been stuck without such an idea for ages. It combines neatly with the geography of the island so I'm now working on both areas of the game simultaneously. There's a massive amount to be worked out and detailed. It's going to take months if not the rest of the year. This opens up a whole ton. My original thinking was that as the geography and other pieces like the magic system developed, they in turn would generate story, character and other ideas. As place and resource details emerged, they would give rise to thoughts on characters, cultures, how items both magic and mundane were crafted or found, etc. Eventually, a kind of creative critical mass would be reached and it would no longer be the losing battle it has previously been to make real progress. Over the past while of no real progress, I had begun to lose faith that this would ever happen. Thanks to what was essentially a five minute conversation, the way forward has been at least partially revealed to me. More importantly, my morale and faith in what fragments of my original thinking I can still lay hands on has been restored to me. No more writer's block for a good while. That's for certain. No sooner had I written an article for my church newsletter in which I entertained the suspicion that my friends would prove the salvation of Enchantment's Twilight when it has actually started to happen. All my reading, studying other game conceptions of magic, etc, and it's a five minute conversation that finally undoes the roadblock. Who'd have thunk? What a profound start to the year.

I've been helping Rose explore the online world with her new iPAD. So far, things have gone quite well. She's currently enjoying Twitter and has started following people including some of my friends and I. Quite quickly, she's finding her online voice and learning how conversation happens. I've no doubt that she'll soon have lots more followers as more of her interests are put forth online. Skype has been especially useful to Rose since she can't afford a good phone plan. Using it, she can make unlimited calls anywhere in North America for a flat rate of around $3.95 per month. I subscribe to this myself so as not to use up minutes during the days or in case I neat to make a long distance call. It's certainly a convenience and peace of mind for me. For her, it's been a lot more life-changing. It's very exciting to see how the same sort of connectivity society has afforded me is now at last benefiting her. She's very much enjoying Twitter and digs up all sorts of interesting science links among many others.

I'm very happy to be finding some female friends who'll always be just friends. It gives a greater balance and depth to one's life and perspective. Also, if I want to have a hope in hell of creating convincing female characters, I'd better have some actual examples in real life to work with. Age aside, there are a number of reasons why Rose and I just wouldn't make a good couple. We're on two different tracks in many ways. However, I think our lengthy conversations have certainly added to the richness of my life. She seems to feel the same way about me. Haven't gotten around to putting up my dating profiles again yet. As life continues here, I find that the kind of woman I'm after has somewhat narrowed down given recent experience and time to reflect. Therefore, I'm still working out precisely what I want my profile to focus on in greater and lesser detail. It feels like I've reached a point where further drastic change is unlikely over the short term so it's worth doing all the updating. Cut once and measure twice as they say. I always get a painfully self-conscious feeling when I work on my dating profiles. The longer I can leave them unchanged, the better I like it.

Cheerfulness, mental stability, and good conversational ability are things that I really can't compromise on. Increasingly, I'm coming to the conclusion that spirituality and faith similarity is another vital thing to have in common. Some people say that opposites are good for each other since they tend to balance each other's extremes. I agree entirely with this on the level of friendship. If you go beyond that, what happens is that the constant exposure grinds at both of you and wrecks even the friendship you've achieved. It's an endless power struggle. There's no just backing off and getting it done the way you think it ought to be when you've made the commitment to be a couple. If you're just friends, each of you still has sole control of your lives and convincing each other that you're right about things doesn't come with the same level of threat to one's identity. You still want to convince friends that you're right, or at least that your approach has merit. However, the stakes aren't nearly as high.

My faith is emphatically not just the equivalent of a hobby. It's a profound life journey whose implications reach deeper than I'm probably even aware of. It forces me to face truths which aren't always very flattering about myself and wrestle with hard questions. I've been fortunate enough to find a community church of people who understand that journey since they're on their own similarly directed ones. As a non-believer, I really couldn't understand why there was this prejudicial barrier up between romantic involvement of Christians with non-Christians. As I've settled into this community and grown in my faith, the reasons for such cautions have become less antagonistic and more clear. I understand where it comes from now. If you've never seriously looked into what being a Christian is all about, you just can't grasp the depth of interplay between belief and community belonging which takes place over time. It goes so much farther beyond whether one attends church regularly. One's relationship with God reaches into all other relationships and spheres of life. It has given my life purpose and meaning where no other community or part of secular society has. I'm respected and encouraged to be who I am. There's room for a great deal of diversity and difference in God's kingdom and communities provided that one agrees with some basic pennants.

It's not that I think Christians are better than other people. We act poorly towards others, don't always practice what we preach, and have some horrific chapters in our history which rival those of any other societal group I've come across. However, I honestly believe that Christianity presents us with a life path which compels us to grow into better people if the bible is actively thought about and not just flatly accepted. It's not a one-sise-fits-all thing. Although I feel very comfortable within the denomination and church I've adopted, that doesn't mean that they're the only ones who really understand God's truth and sincerely try to follow what the bible teaches as they see it. My particular focus and interpretations seem very right to me. Right enough that I'll conduct my life in accordance with it and face whatever consequences there are for that both here and in the afterlife. In the here and now, one result is a limitation of scope when it comes to romantic possibilities. Church has become a real pillar of my life. It's something I never would have believed was possible in my agnostic days. That pillar ought not to be a wall between the life experiences of my hoped-for partner and I. It should be a major shared aspect of life. Not having this be the case is simply bound to lead to friction and a lessening of potential for both me and a would-be partner who didn't share my core beliefs. To be at my best, I need a high degree of overall stability at the core of my life. I'm after maximum depth with minimal needless drama. It behoves me to really be certain that we're enough on the same page that disagreements won't wreck how we live as a couple.

Last Saturday was terrific. I felt absolutely fantabulous and basically chose to enjoy the day rather than write. I had a couple of great chats on Skype, some excellent Twitter time with my followers, and also listened to a couple of great shows from CBC Radio1. I caught DNTO live. It was all about enemies and was, in my judgement, one of the more profound episodes they've ever done. There are some truly incredible people out there. I heard from a black author who decided he had to try and understand the Ku Klux Clan and ended up befriending some of its members. That took incredible guts. There were other people who've really looked out from their entrenched positions and found commonality. The big thing was to let things actually get personal and know each other as actual people. That's certainly in keeping with my own experience. I also heard Under the Influence. It was the first of a two-part look at Steve Jobs. Very fascinating. I can't wait for the second part to become available. Dinner with mom and dad was great as always.

Spending a day with Carine and Kevin recently was a very welcome break from the norm. It was good to catch up with them again. We had a splendid breakfast at Kora's and panzerotis for dinner. They had a very hi per but friendly guest dog with them in addition to Breeze, Carine's dog. We watched a show called The Voice. Can't say that one was a favourite but it was probably the most interesting choice on by that point. Prior to that, we all enjoyed a few episodes of Cash Cab on Discovery Channel. That makes for a nifty show to appreciate with others of a more intellectual bent. You see how the group in the cab handle the questions and choices available. I wish Myth busters had been on after that. Can't go wrong with that show.

At last, I've moved beyond my contract with Rogers and have modified the TV part to be more in line with what I actually enjoy. The extra channels have been nice to have over the past couple of years. However, I simply don't need all that. As long as I get my Discovery and History channels along with news and the occasional show of interest, I'm quite contented. I don't know that I'd be willing to ditch TV entirely. However, I have far better use for the $20 or so per month that this change frees up. Would have done it as much as a year ago had my contract permitted me to.

It's Saturday morning now. I've just heard the second episode of the Under the Influence look at Steve Jobs. Terry did an excellent job although I was hoping for more in site into the Apple re tale stores. It's a reasonable time in the morning for once. A little before eight versus the more lately typical well before five. I think I'm finally coming out of this round of illness-triggered insomnia. I hope to get together with Adam later today for a nice gaming cession. Would have gone yesterday had I been at all confident of not conking out. We've been playing more of Dokupon Kingdom which is a very intriguing combination rpg and board game. Thankfully, I took advantage of my voicememmo app on the iPHONE to record a brief outline of what we were up to so we can continue previously laid plans. It's yet another game I wish were fully accessible. As honest a guy as Adam is, there's just something unnatural about having an opponent handle the controls and describe one's options. There's so much randomness in the game that it rarely becomes at all an issue. It's something both of us can actually enjoy together.

I've really got to change my blogging style and try to make more timely shorter entries about specific events. Too much is starting to slip through the cracks now that more is actually happening to me on a continuous basis. I've tried to sign up to the new music service offered by CBC at
www.cbcmusic.ca
However, the audio captia isn't accepting what I type in as correct. Very frustrating. I've therefore fallen back to Radio Rivendell which makes for excellent accompaniment to my blogging. You can check them out at
www.radiorivendell.com

One thing that went very well was a visit from my church youth group. I had them over to my apartment and things went quite well. I showed them Super Egg Hunt which a number of them tried. They did fairly well once they closed their eyes. We also had some very good discussion and I showed them the Amazing Drive through Singer video which they enjoyed. It was nice to feel like I contributed to the evening. The circumstances simply lent themselves to that so much more than at the Dam during drop in time.

We're celebrating mom's birthday on Sunday with friends and family. That'll certainly make for a nice full day when combined with church. Just finished acquiring her present this year. I think she'll enjoy what I've picked out. Looking ahead into March, I'm in for another interesting month. My grandmother is coming for a visit. I've also got a visit with Michelle and Gerry where I'll also meet Liz Lawson, a presenter on Mushroom FM whose musical selections I've found enjoyable for the most part. I would predict that things will slow down come mid March if I hadn't just lived through such a very active last couple of months. I have no reason to doubt that things will just keep popping up to make life interesting. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Amazing Meaningful Holidays

Hello everyone. A blog entry is again well past due. It's been a very eventful couple of weeks. So eventful that I'm not going to even attempt to put things in chronological order. You'll just have to follow my stream of consciousness as it meanders through the tail end of 2011 and start of 2012. It's been a tremendously restorative good time. It's very early on Saturday morning as I begin writing this. I'm awake after an early begun five hours of solid sleep. Hopefully, I'll grab a bit more later. A cup of herbal tea, Calm Infusion, sits beside me at my desk. My computer is also in the process of converting The Passage by Justin Chronen. Hope I got the spelling right. I waited two months so I had two credits to spend. As a result, a book which could have cost $70 has cost me $28. Not bad. It's a long five-parter.

Christmas was an absolute joy this year. So was Christmas eve. usually, I would go to church on one of those two days. However, unlike every other year, my family had events on both those days and then nothing on Boxing day. I doubt that'll happen again in the next decade. I don't feel at all convicted about not attending church over the holidays. God knows my heart and where it's at. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, I've actually spent quite some time thinking about and discussing faith with my friends. Christmas day was spent in Hamilton in my brother's house. That seems to be the best thing to do with three little ones who can open and play with all their stuff. They had a terrific day and seemed to appreciate all their gifts. Ava wrote her name right away in the notebook I gave her. The flashlight from Mountain Equipment Co-op went over very well. Dad now has some money to spend on iTUNES. Mom has six games from Bigfish Games plus credits for a couple more thanks to one small mistake and the generosity of Bigfish Games making it right. After all the hustle and bustle, it was good to have nothing planned on Boxing day. I needed it to recover. I was given a pair of gloves with conductive material in the fingertips which let me use my iPHONE while wearing gloves. That was a very thoughtful idea which really stood out for me this year.

The space between Christmas and New Year's was a tad empty in places. I had family visits and also found that catching up with people online somewhat softened the solitary days. I also found myself re-reading Stephen King's The Stand. Every once in a while, that book pulls me in for another dark journey. The time passed surprisingly quickly as I made preparations for my upcoming gathering. Another pastime was Pontes Backgammon. It's a terrific polished implementation of accessible Backgammon on the computer. I bought it for 13 Euros and will be enjoying it for years. It allows for single play against the computer or two-player games on the same computer or over the Internet. You can chat with your human opponents via text message. Check out what this Romanian charity group has pulled off at:
www.backgammon.pontes.ro
I'd still love to see how Spoonbill Software would do Backgammon. That would be nifty. However, it's hard to imagine a better piece of software. I guess the doubling cube is a missing feature. Mr. Humfreys would doubtless find other neat things to ad were he to attempt it.

New Year's Eve was interesting. The day began early as I caught the very tail end of Jonathan Mosen's new year's show from New Zealand. I later heard and enjoyed the podcast when more fully awake. The morning took a decidedly crappy turn when I discovered that the drain in my sink was plugged. Not wanting to bother anybody on New Year's Eve, I tried everything including plunging the drain and putting vinegar and baking soda into it. Nothing worked though and I had to call the superintend ant. They called the contractors who came out and ended up replacing my old pipe with a very smooth new one. They used a blowtorch to cut out the old one and/or put the new pipe in. Given all the wood and other combustibles in the vicinity of my kitchen cupboards, that was the last thing I was expecting to hear. I've never actually felt one of those contraptions but must conclude that they offer an amazingly focused level of precision. They also must be far smaller than I previously conjectured. I then had to clean up the place and counter area quite thoroughly before I felt I could continue with my day. Thank God they straightened that mess out so promptly. My drain now sucks down water like it never has before.

Half the potential guests I had invited failed to show up for my New Year's party. There were six of us for a brief while. Joseph and Rose wanted to also be a part of the church's New Year's activities. Adam, Jeanette, Stephen and I stayed up until around four AM. I'm very glad Joseph and Rose were able to make it for a good chunk of the festivities and got to know my other three guests. It says a lot that I still had such a good time even though so many friends failed to appear. I very much hope I can get more friends at some future gathering. It's always so fascinating to hear friends who have never met each other and how they interact. A smaller group trades that pleasure for a more intimate level of conversation that I find equally enjoyable. There was some disappointment but this was far outweighed by a strong sense of just how blessed I am by the friendship of others.

That sense was further strengthened by a journey I went on at Stephen's invitation after we had recovered from the New Year's celebration. We spent another couple of days at my place. Shirley came for a visit that I believe was much longer than she had originally intended. Good conversation just kept it going for something around four hours. Originally, I think she intended to stay perhaps half an hour. I hope she makes it to a New Year's gathering one of these years. She'd fit right in and enjoy herself despite the age gap. On Monday, Stephen and I set off for down town Toronto. I ended up spending four days in his company as we travelled around visiting friends. I got to meet Judy and reconnect with Jevan, a young lady I once encountered while at the SCORE camp run by the CNIB. She certainly seems to have found her stride in life. I was surprised she remembered me especially from that long ago. It was a very pleasant bit of travel and visiting.

I also got to visit Michelle McQuigge along with Steve. We showed her how our iPHONES worked and let her take them for a spin. She loves her old Nokia phone with its tiny keyboard. Given her amazing facility to text rapidly versus my agonized snail's pace tortured texting, I can't exactly blame her. Texting is far less a priority for me than for her. The benefits of having an iPHONE far outweigh the annoyance that I find typing on it to be. Not so for Michelle. Our discussion was pretty far-ranging and she seemed full of energy. She certainly handles a knife well when chopping vegetables. Steve and she seemed to hit it off well right away as I suspected they would. Sadly, during that first day, I lost the speaker for my Trekkor Breeze. They cost $25 each. It's the second one of those which I've had to purchase as the first one broke. While I was at it, I also bought a new battery for the Breeze. Add the expense of a set of Urban Ear headphones for my iPHONE as well as renewing my Apple Care plan for my iPHONE and you've got a pretty expensive start to 2012. We never checked the kind of cab someone found for us at the subway station so there was no way to inquire about the speaker. The driver was convinced that the noise was the seatbelt dangling and that's what I thought until we were well away from the cab. A mistake I don't plan on making again any time soon. From now on, the speaker goes into my pocket even during short cab rides or whenever it's not in use. An easily avoidable stupid absent-minded mistake on my part.

I was able to attend Meko's birthday celebration due to weather completely changing initial plans for Tuesday. Tuesday was just too cold to think of travelling. Stephen and I had a pleasant relaxed day at the Murgaski house. I got to show Steve a bit of Backgammon and we caught up with what had captured our interests over the past while. As always, the food was great and the conversation stimulating. I've always felt very comfortable and open around the Murgaski's and hope Steve has felt the same around my parents as has seemed to be the case over the many years of our friendship.

Wednesday was a chance to reconnect with Earle, Meko, and others I haven't seen in quite a while. I guess the last time I saw a lot of them was at Steve's going away party before he headed off to India. What an awesome adventure that turned out to be. Earle has a very spacious sounding apartment. He seems pretty happy with it over all. After hearing about that incredible fire in 200 Wellesley, I guess I had expected to find him in a far smaller more cramped space with the added presumption that most units in the building would be similarly small cramped affairs. The reality is of course quite different. It's too bad he had to lose some irreplaceable stuff as a result of the fire but I'm glad he wasn't anywhere near it when it happened. I remember the newscasters remarking how people would just go out on their balconies when they could have left the building. 2011 really seems to have been an eventful year for a lot of us. It's as if time just reached out and caught us in its fast-moving currents for a while.

While Earle, Steve and I sat together in his place, talk naturally turned to others from our grade school days when we first became acquainted. Apparently, Daniel still thinks rather uncharitably of both Earle and I. He apparently thinks we're Radio Shack quality people, whatever that means, and that we should be eliminated. I couldn't help but observe that when dealing with such remarks, one should always consider The Source. They got it. I'm amazed that he's still thinking about me at all after such a long time. I really must have struck one heck of a nerve with my last letter to him all those years ago. Hopefully, it'll ultimately work to his good and help him become a better person. That was, after all, the spirit in which I wrote it. I don't wish him any misfortune at all but believe he'll bring that upon himself unless he's changed or will change substantially from the man I once knew.

Steve and Earle both have superb mobility skills combined with a sense of location and geographical context that I can only dream of. The ease with which Steve guided me around the city was nothing short of profound. Even after extensive lessons in an area, I don't enjoy anywhere near that level of sense of location. I'm always waiting and hoping that next landmark will appear and dreading that it won't because I can't keep a larger mental map in my head for any length of time. On the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if I actually move around a little more safely. Steve remarked that he thinks my place was nicely set up. It certainly is and I guess I do tend to keep it fairly neat. Still, I'd think his place would turn out somewhat similar if and when he obtains one. He still sees advantages living with his parents. They're very nice folks much like my own. Also, he has more freedom of action due to his navigation skills than I do. Even so, I would still conjecture that it would do Steve's sense of self and family good to have his own apartment. This is especially true when you start to connect with the community. I couldn't put into words how much that has helped me deal with everything.

Last week's trip has certainly opened things up in a pretty deep way. I keenly look forward to similar adventures in the future as ODSP economics permits. As much as my old friends help me get around, I believe I can help them in other ways as we all navigate life in this strange place society has put us. Earle wants to come out to my place for a weekend to show me more of the Mac operating system and feels I didn't give it enough of a chance. I would welcome such a tour from someone so accomplished and experienced as he is. However, I simply don't see myself just abandoning Windows even for a month as has been suggested to me. Simply put, I have other things on the go than mastering a whole other operating system. If I find that it can really do things better for me, that's great. I'll certainly make use of what I have. However, after my initial experience, I need a higher degree of proof that it's really worth my time mastering it. I just haven't been swept along with all the hipe. For me, the main blessing here is simply having reconnected with Earle, Meko, and others and not feeling like it's just a one-time thing. I absolutely welcome this new doorway which has opened even as I continue to hope for greater community involvement here in Meadowvale.

Some of that will happen fairly shortly. I've been invited out for drinks with people from my church who I never got a chance to connect with over the holidays. Doug and Nan are always a blast to be with. Tomorrow, I'll be meeting with John Morgan. Haven't seen him in quite some time. I'll be showing him some of what my iPHONE can do.

It's now very early Monday morning. I just had the most disgusting disturbing dream that has graced my subconscious in at least a year. I had a great time with everyone last night and don't think I deserved this nasty mental nugget at all. In the dream, I had to chop off the head of a deserter or face the prospect of him still being decapitated and my being drawn and quartered for good measure. He was such a nice man too. I felt absolutely rotten but there was no way out of the situation. My sword stroke wasn't strong enough to do the job neatly so I ended up lying the guy down and sawing through the rest of his neck. I don't believe I've ever felt so utterly disgusted and bad about what I was doing in my sleep before. You can appreciate why the thought of just lying down for more sleep seems quite absurd at the moment.

The one major event that I haven't written about at all is that I've broken up with Emily. There were a number of pretty big differences right from the start. My compassion can lead me into situations that I just don't have the resources to handle. I've got to be honest and acknowledge that my strong desire to find a life partner played a part in this misadventure also. Emily just completely shut down on me over the holidays being afraid that telling me her problems would have lead to the result which has now happened. Too much special meaningful time passed without her being a part of it at all. It made me see clearly how a whole lot of circumstances are going to have to come together for her to achieve any sort of real stability. As a friend, I believe I can be of real help to her in this journey. However, I just don't have the ego anymore to think that I have what it takes to deal with someone who just shuts off communication and disappears on someone she loves. She did the wrong thing for the best of reasons. I feel bad about how things went and wish I could turn back the emotional clock somehow. However, whatever spark of love I felt has simply disappeared. It's as simple as it is messy and un fare.

given all that's happened, I find myself in a place where that need for love has taken somewhat more of a back seat. Life has at last reached a point where I can see myself really being content as a single man from here on out. I would still very much hope to find someone stable, cheerful and intelligent to partner with. Having had two ladies show interest in me over this past year, I find that I have a great deal more hope that I will eventually come across a more suitable match for me. I fervently hope that Emily too will eventually find comfort with someone who shares more of her interests, likes Stevie Wonder's music, and doesn't mind the prospect of owning cats among other things. I very much want her to find happiness in life. Sadly, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm not the one who can give it to her. It looks like we'll be able to stay friends once she's had some time to adjust her feelings toward me. Having that happen with someone who is actually near enough and has the time to come and see me would certainly be a refreshing welcome turn of events. Of course, there's still the question of whether or not to put up my dating profiles. I guess I probably will despite how ineffective they've been. Increasingly, I'm of the opinion that the next one will be someone who I either meet locally, at Lake Joe, or who finds and takes an interest in my blog. I guess the dating profiles can help lead people to that. If nothing else, it'll help me move on a little having left out my welcome cards so to speak. Meanwhile, I have a sense that there's now enough opportunity, meaningful connection and activity in life so that it doesn't feel like there are major pieces missing. I no longer feel so incomplete like a puzzle piece that can't quite slot in anywhere.

At last, it's approaching seven in the morning. That's a far more reasonable hour to shave, shower and prepare for the day. I'm feeling a tad tired but otherwise quite good about things. Writing things down always tends to help me work through stuff. I feel like this blog entry hasn't done these holidays justice. I've had such a wonderful and profoundly meaningful time. What I've captured here seems so inadequate but will simply have to serve. This year has already started off so full of surprises. I've never had a Winter like this which hasn't slowed to a painful crawl of days so similar and devoid of events that they blend into each other. Life really seems to have changed fundamentally for me. I'm very grateful for such changes and the challenge they bring. I know that God has blessed me with the friends and family to see me safely through them one way or another.

Good Times Ahead and Behind

Hello everyone. Figured it was time to put another blog posting up there so readers could move on from the darker heavier last posting. It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. Insomnia has struck again rather hard lately. I think perhaps the change of seasons as winter weather starts to arrive may have set it off. Thankfully, I've avoided hitting absolute bottom this time and may even be on the way back upward. Getting my darkest moments written down and out there in the open has been wonderfully cathartic. I hadn't realized how much it had been weighing upon me all this time. I guess it's my way of truly turning the page on things. This year has really been one huge page turner for me.

The forum at the Dam last week went exceedingly well and we had a great discussion on societal expectations and self-worth. Every so often, that kind of thing happens to remind me what hopes I had when I originally volunteered and keep them alive. There won't be any more forums until after the holidays. However, there are a couple more drop ins before Christmas. There's also a Christmas party this week which I'll be attending. It'll be interesting to see how the teens react to that. I haven't gotten the sense that any of them are religious.

Last week, I went to the Mountain Equipment Co-op store in Burlington. I've been thinking of purchasing a travel pack for quite a while now. As it turned out, my parents purchased the pack as my Christmas present for which I'm very grateful. For the record, I ended up with the Sojourn travel pack. There was some confusion about which pack I preferred. I got the one I liked better but didn't realize that due to some mix-up possibly about which racks they were placed on, this pack was the Sojourn rather than the Walkabout. What finally twigged me to this was being completely unable to find any sleeping bag compartment as was mentioned in the Walkabout description. The Sojourn lacks such a compartment. It has internal compression straps which I could use to hold a sleeping bag neatly in the main pack. I've never been great at rolling those so that's going to be helpful. The main pack has plenty of room for stuff. The day pack is roomy enough for my computer gear, water bottle, and other items. I'll use it when I go to the Dam.

It's Tuesday afternoon now. Just had a delicious brunch of bacon and eggs. The week is going pretty well so far. My Christmas shopping is as done as it'll get. I have to get mom and Emily's gifts somewhat closer to the day. This time of year really shows how very different things are for Emily than for me. She wasn't in a very cheerful mood last time I talked with her. That's very understandable given her circumstances. I'm glad she's found somewhere to go on Christmas day. We've just begun the process of getting to know each other and it feels far too early to bring her into a family Christmas. I'm hoping she can join me for my second New Year's party here. That ought to be something special. I can't help but think about and sympathize with her. I'd love to be able to snap my fingers and fix everything for her but that's a process which takes time, love and care. We've decided to keep carefully exploring the possibility of being more than just friends. I'm glad she had a change of heart there. That took courage finding the strength to hope. Things should begin to improve for her in the new year. This is, I hope, the bottom of the painful valley life has forced her into. I very much look forward to trying to help her find a more stable plateau in the months ahead. I've reached a point in life where I'll be alright if a relationship beyond friends doesn't ultimately prove to be in the cards. Here, there's enough to keep me going in life either way. It's a very good position of stability from which to seek companionship even if it somewhat limits prospective partners. If things don't work out for us as more than friends, it'll certainly be painful but nowhere near as devastating as losing Janene was. That has far more to do with the circumstances in which I now find myself than with Emily. She isn't used to seeing herself as of much value or as very intelligent. She is though. I've just begun to scratch the surface there in our conversations. She doesn't have formal educational credentials but she has absorbed an awesome amount of practical street wisdom.

Over the past while, I've gotten to see a number of friends including Adam and his girlfriend Jeanette. It was great spending the day with them despite my insomnia-induced nodding off at one point. They'll likely be at my new year's party. So will Mark and Wendy who I also got to have dinner with here at the apartment. Plans to try a new chicken place fell apart so we ended up cooking dinner and eating here. It's always a treat having them over. A friend from Meadowvale Secondary School has contacted me via Facebook. Patrick and I used to have the odd class together and had some wonderful talks back then. A few of us including Adam and I will hopefully be able to get together with him here in Meadowvale for a small fun reunion. Facebook just keeps proving its worth despite all its hastles.

Today has been very pleasant and busy. It has more than made up for the frustratingly slow and unproductive cession at the Dam yesterday. None of the kids did more than say a quick hi. It was still nice chatting with the staff and volunteers. I got precisely nowhere on the article I'm working on for a future church newsletter. I'm far from giving up on it but it's proving a damnably tough nut to crack. Today started out with the yearly Christmas breakfast in our building. I chatted with a couple of building management staff I had never come across before. Shirley also showed up for a good chunk of it later on. People were very relaxed and things went quite splendidly. A bunch of them recognized me this time. Yet another positive sign that I'm starting to really belong here in this community.

Dad picked me up and we went to a few places. He treats me to beer and I stocked up on Paddock Wood Czech Mate and Sleeman Fine Porter. The Paddock Wood beer is my favourite discovery of the year in that department. It has a different fruity taste that I find very refreshing. One of those things which you'd think wouldn't work but really does. I believe I'll wait until tomorrow or Friday to see how the Sleeman Fine Porter stacks up. Dad and I each had two martinis with lunch. That's plenty of alcohol for one day. Thought I had tried pretty much every Sleeman beer there was but didn't know they made a porter. I'm expecting an excellent and interesting flavour. Sleeman's is about as mainstream as I tend to get with my beer selections but they're not above putting out some nicely unique beers from time to time. I enjoy different beers. All the more when I get to share them with guests.

We had a look around the Dollar store where I came across a gift for little Amia. That was my only remaining missing gift to obtain. Last weekend, I ended up seeing Carine and Kevin for the first time in a while. They had to do some Christmas shopping and I chose to go along. That gave me a chance to grab a few small gifts for certain people who shall remain nameless lest they happen to read my blog. I've been very blessed over this past year and I always enjoy sharing as much of that as is practical with others. Carine has a treadmill which may suit my needs and spacious bedroom admirably. Something to investigate over the next while. Thanks to my grandmother's recent generosity, I can actually afford to pay a little for it. I've wanted one of those in here for quite some time now. I've never felt comfortable listening to headphones in more public environments. This way, I can listen to whatever's on my netbook while exercising and not disturb anybody else. A while ago, I started a savings account which automatically took ten dollars per month from my checking account. I've put around $200 in there from my grandmother's timely gift. That would have taken around two years to save up myself. I'm still not quite at the point where I could purchase a new laptop or something like that if I had to but I'm a ton closer to it than I thought I'd be. My little jewel of a netbook is still holding up wonderfully so I should be there well before it kicks the bucket.

For brunch at the Symposium Cafe, I decided to try their barbecued chicken dinner. It didn't disappoint. The chicken was delicious and they do very enjoyable vegetables and roasted potatoes to go with it. Definitely something I'll have again. Dad's still got a bit of his cold but it seems like he's getting better. He's thrilled with his iPAD and has picked up some games for my nieces to play on it when he visits them.

The groceries arrived in good time this afternoon. One new experiment I'm trying is fair trade chocolate. Ken's lecture on how most of the world's chocolate gets its coco struck a nerve with more than just me. Don't know how effective it was for the teens but it got me thinking twice about buying my usual Mars bars. I decided to try Coco Camino chocolate bars and bought two hundred-gram ones. Thankfully, they're divided into small squares making rationing easier. It makes chocolate more of an expense and reduces how much I eat at once. We'll see how that goes over the next while. It's a small gesture in the grand scheme of things but I feel better for trying. I got almost everything I ordered. There were four substitutions which were perfectly fine with me. I am, however, disappointed that they didn't have Kind Bars this time. I've come to very much enjoy those as a healthy if somewhat pricey snack once in a while. I especially like the almond coconut ones. Despite that tiny disappointment, I'm very well stocked for the holiday period ahead. Far more so than a number of people I know. It's certainly an interesting place full of many oddities that society has seen fit to stick me in. I very much hope that history remembers me as a man who counted and shared his blessings. ODSP only works as well as it does for me because of a number of fortunate circumstances which attend my life and not others on the system. Chief among those circumstances are a stable supportive family and a wonderful cast of friends new and old. Also, I really lucked out beyond my wildest hopes with subsidized housing after ten years of life in limbo. I can't imagine a more perfect place for me to live short of Heaven itself. In many ways, I'm a profoundly lucky man.

I've been re-reading Robert J. Sawyer's The Terminal Experiment over the past few days. It's neat to read a book about a year you've lived through that was written around a decade earlier. That book is just as profound as his WWW trilogy which I've just finished at last. That guy has so much hope for the future. I'd love to meet him some day. His books seem to pass that optimistic perspective on to their readers. He sets me a very fine example as I write this blog, work on other creative projects, and conduct my extraordinary life.

Tomorrow, I'll be attending the Dam's annual Christmas party during the evening. The fire alarm tests will make the next couple of days very un conducive to lengthy writing of any sort. I'll use them as an opportunity to catch up with news and also with my favourite podcasts which have been very neglected this past half year or so. Perhaps, this trove of countless unheard hours of listening material is one of the largest testaments of just how much life has changed for me over the past year. Like good friends, I know they're waiting and ready if I should need them again. In particular, I feel a tad guilty for missing episodes of Spark and From Our Own Correspondents. How appropriate. Winamp, in its infinite random wisdom, has just picked out Step By Step sung by Huey Lewis & The News. A perfect song for my reflections. Life is going great right now. Not perfect. I don't live in some sort of faerie tale. There are plenty of limitations, thwarted desires and frustrations. When you get right down to it though, they're the friction that keeps everything real. As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself in a wonderful groove. My efforts have paid off in splendid fashion and there's plenty of scope for action. Lots to learn, enjoy, and do. How appropriate. Winamp has now picked out Vanessa Williams Oh How the Years go By. Inspiring music, both pop and instrumental, is certainly one of the many blessings I count. This song once caused me to painfully dwell on not finding a soul mate with whom I could face life's ups and downs. Now, it gives me hope of doing so while causing me to reflect on the many friends I've found to share my adventures with. Hope, effort and patience really do pay off. I keenly look forward to what 2012 brings.

Post Election Thoughts And Other Happennings

Hello everyone. It's been quite a week. Mainly, family events have predominated. My grandmother came from Winnipeg and I did quite a bit with her while she stayed with my parents. She was a bit overwhelmed by all the technology in my life during a brief stop in my apartment. It's such a different mode of existence than what she has known. The slot machines at the casino are more her speed. It's her favourite pastime. Joining her and my parents on a couple of excursions to said establishment, I can't say I'm at all more inclined to go there any more often than when she visits. I can justify it as a way to spend time with her and my family. It's good to hear her enjoying herself. She has more than earned the right to over a long life well lived. I do, of course, gamble only with some of the money she gave me. This time around, I actually won enough to pay for a couple of app's like Navigon for my iPHONE. Should anything happen to my Trekker Breeze, I'll at least have something to work with once I figured this app out.

Over the weekend, I celebrated my niece Ava's fifth birthday. That really spilled over into Monday, her actual birthday. Dan and Allison hosted a very well run happy party of kids at their house in Hamilton. Ava was far more happy to turn five this year than she was about becoming four last year. On Monday, I joined them for an outing to Chuck E. Cheese and had an enjoyable time helping carry tokens, pushing in the odd otherwise unreachable gas pedal as a good uncle ought, and hearing Ava and Amia enjoy themselves so very much. After that, we went back to my parents' house for more celebrating. I captured a little of it with a new app on my iPHONE called audioboo. It made for a very long but happy day that began with news of Osama bin Laden's death and ended with the formation of our new government.

On both subjects, my feelings are mixed but optimistic overall. Osama's death will very likely trigger revenge attacks. The man built his whole organization with the idea that he would very likely die sooner than later right from day one. Instead of one mastermind with a theoretically cohesive plan, we now have multiple heads on the snake free to strike at their own whim and all venom-spitting mad. Hope the Americans thought that through a bit. The man got better than he richly deserved. Were I a vengeful sort after retributive justice, the last thing I would have wanted would be for him to have died quickly. Perhaps, had he been chased by those operatives into a cave like everyone thought he was hiding in and left to rot there, that might have appeased some anger. However, he's just dead now. No information can be gleaned from his corpse. Nor can any further punishment be inflicted upon him other than that which God will certainly inflict. While his death prevents him from killing anybody else, it brings none of his victims back from the dead and elevates him to martyr status. Pandora's box has been well and truly opened.

Turning to the election we just had, I never thought things would be nearly so polarizing in outcome. Despite being a mainly Liberal-leaning man, I think the NDP will make a far better balance to harper. Jack struck me as the right man for that very important job provided he remains healthy. The Liberals can and must finally focus on cleaning house and regaining their consistency. Conservatives should look at this as an opportunity to show us more liberal-minded folk that they do actually care more than the negative campaign portrayals would have us believe. Harper has precisely what he's wanted now. "Give me a majority so I'm not perpetually hamstrung!" he asked us. Well, for better or worse, Canadians have given him that majority. We'll now at least stop wobbling about and head in a stable direction over the next while. That's something at least.

Conservatives do in fact care for those who are less fortunate. My father has been a staunch supporter of Conservatives for as long as I can remember. Despite that, he still very much values me and others in my predicament. Despite not having much prospect for steady jobs, we aren't of no value to him. I don't for a moment believe that all those who support the Conservative agenda ipso facto don't care about the environment, giving people second chances, etc. My father and I have had very different life experiences. He's seen the world of business largely work from his perspective. His efforts in school paid off with steady work which was available from very early on. He has remained with the same company General Electric, for his whole working life right up to an only slightly early retirement. He's been able to support his family well and kept a pretty healthy balance between work and the rest of life as far as I've been able to tell as his son.

I, in contrast, found that my education didn't lead to such a successful road. I've gotten to know many people whose efforts and gifts should have but weren't snapped up by big or small business. It's been a very different world for me than what the so-called experts predicted for my parents and I as I grew up. A world where virtue is often simply untapped. Where people can stay out of trouble, get a degree and still end up chronically unemployed. I've met too many people who have fallen through the cracks despite every effort not to and who had far better credentials than I. I can only hope that by the time the teens I try to be a good friend and mentor to at the Dam are ready, steady jobs are waiting for them. Hopefully, going with the devil we know was the right choice for that to happen. Everything depends on the willingness of this new parliament to sit down and really keep things together. The opposition has got to do a far better job at accepting that for better or worse, the Conservatives have won by a landslide and only oppose the will of the people where it really makes sense to and is necessary. The Conservative agenda was chosen in a pretty fair if somewhat too fear-driven personally negative election. I do so wish all the personal attacks could be done away with but am enough of a realist not to hold my breath. By the same token, I hope Mr. Harper listens to any objections and suggestions as he has said he would. The loudest message I think we've sent as Canadians is that we sure as shit don't want another election any time soon. We want things to get done in orderly and sensible fashion.

There's certainly room for some interesting developments. We've got a 19-year-old parliamentarian, the very first Green Party member MP, Quebec NDP members making a large part of our opposition in a party who has never been in that particular role federally before. They cleaned house in Quebec and devastated the Bloc. And no, reader. My optimism doesn't go far enough to believe that this means Quebec sovereignty is at last a dead horse. At best, it'll lie dormant for a while as we see how well Quebec interests are taken into account by Ottawa over the next while. I have a small hope that perhaps, at long last, some movement might be made toward healing that old tear in the fabric of our on the whole good nation. There are also something like thirty Liberals who have hung in there and survived the utterly crushing night for their party. A lot of very interesting pieces on the board now. Perhaps, there'll be more room for such individuals to make a real difference behind the scenes. Or, perhaps, that's just my incurable ever-present hope and optimism talking. I guess we'll all find out over the next while.

on the right track

Hello everyone. I got a very good sleep last night. It's sunday afternoon. Church was very interesting. The guest speaker had a brilliant way of bringing the bible into the modern age and illustrated how we're all called upon to bring some of God's kingdom to earth. It might not always seem like it but even our troubles can be a part of that. I also met up with Pastor Sam who wants to have breakfast with me at Symposium one day soon. That'll be an interesting morning for certain. Joseph has certainly proved an interesting companion in church. He usually gives me a lift to and from. Today, he got me to feel a shoebox stuffed full of flashcards. There were over seven thousand of them and they were all five-letter words. The box was nearly full and had quite the heft to it. Thinking about all those myriad cards spread out, each with its own five-letter word was just mind-boggling.

Last night, I visited Mark and Wendy. We tried out the game of Talisman which I have on my netbook. It's a lot more fun with three or more players. The dynamics just work well. We must have played for a few hours and they'd be up for a full game of it one of these days despite Wendy eventually having been turned into a toad. It's a fantasy game which doesn't take itself too seriously and works well for groups. Dinner was excellent as always.

This afternoon, Ava, Amia, and Allison are coming over for a visit. It sounds like everyone is doing well. In fact, I believe I hear voices downstairs now. Think I'll pop off and see who's here. Later, folks.

z: Time passes.

Hello everyone. The past two weeks have been very slow and frustrating. I just haven't gotten much of the fresh input or socialisation I need. The days have crawled slowly past. The weather has gotten much better particularly over the last week. However, other than practicing what I can of my route, I've had no reason to go out into it. I thought I'd be doing so much more with people this summer. Instead, I hear news of events like Taste of the Danforth and others which I'd love to attend with some good and trustworthy company. Where does one go in order to even begin the work of making friends who would actually be interested in attending such things? Festivals, science fiction conventions, or even regular nights out at some pub would do me a whole world of good presuming they were places where you could still hear yourself think. I'll give up a great deal to spend less time alone but not my hearing. There's still the whole frustration of needing more of a life beyond family. It is especially keenly felt this summer. Mom and dad are quite sympathetic and understanding. However, other than getting me to some places when they're free to, there's nothing they can really do to help change my circumstances on that score. Mom took me out to meet Nadia again last week. Due to a few circumstances, I can't see the two of us going any further than friendship. It's a strange paradox. For the two hours during which we talked, it was such a nice reprieve from feeling profoundly disconnected from everyone. It was good to have someone near my own age to talk with for that span of time. A damned frustrating shame that nobody closer to me has any interest. On the way back, I helped mom with carrying the tank for our barbecue to get it filled. The attendant mistook me for her husband. Go figure. Presuming I don't look overly old, I guess that at least made mom feel good. I try not to take my frustration with current circumstances out on them. They have enough to worry about with dad adjusting to retirement, grandkids and so-forth. The solitude and lack of a real ongoing connection to a community is slowly doing its damage though. I can feel my drive to keep trying to change things and continue working on Enchantment's Twilight slipping away from me bit by bit. The irony of working away at something which speaks to the importance of community and of looking out for each other while finding myself so stuck fast on the outside of a more full life definitely isn't lost on me. I feel like a coiled spring left to slowly rust away. I find that I'm getting more angry that nothing I do seems to actually count for anything other than perhaps an emailed acknowledgement that I've inspired someone or that my writing has had a positive impact on people too far away to meet.

All I need is for one woman who is close enough to decide that I might be worth getting to know on a more serious level than friendship. She'd get the most loyal and faithful husband, willing to jump at any opportunity open to him and willing to do whatever I could to make a marriage work. All I need is one employer to actually notice what I've done or take the time to get to know how honest and hard-working I am. For so profoundly changing my life He or she would attain my best efforts and loyal service. I've kept plugging away over the years thinking that some day, the right person would come along and my life would at last progress somehow. Lately, it's getting harder not to think that perhaps I'm the only lost soul struggling to live under some outdated notions of responsibility, morality and so-on. Everyone seems to be after sex with no commitments beyond it these days. Company loyalty seems to be a concept no longer valued at all. I just wish I could truly fit in somewhere other than my parents' house preferably before I start pushing forty. Eventually, I know that things will get better. If nothing else, it will eventually be my turn for a subsidised apartment. The wait is just so damned long! Presuming I can make friends of some of the people where I end up, I could conceivably become quite content living as a single man. Right now, I could really do with some profound change but I don't see any chance of that happening any time soon. I just have to keep going somehow.

This weekend isn't going so badly at all. I've purchased a few dvds including the Band of Brothers mini-series about World War II. The sound work in it has been absolutely first-rate so far. It comes in a tin with the dvds lifting out of it like a folded scroll. On the one hand, I'm profoundly glad I purchased this. For once, it isn't something you watch and miss the company of a special woman while doing so. It's also quite lengthy. The CNIB had a book called Beyond Band of Brothers which I read prior to starting through the dvds. Thanks to that ten or twelve hours worth of reading, I'll be able to better comprehend the battle sequences in the twelve-hour mini-series. It's worked out quite well so far. I say that having gone through the first three dvds plus the extras dvd. So far, the story tracks nicely. This wrecks the surprise but I'll take full comprehention given that choice any day.

Later this afternoon, I believe Dan and his family are coming over. We were supposed to go to Canada's Wonderland with them yesterday but poor Ava got a bad eye infection from a dastardly little mosquito. For a little while, we thought she might have to have a stay in the hospital. However, it seems that the medication she's been given has done the trick and she's apparently back to her cute self. I'll be able to observe that first hand fairly shortly unless plans change. Next week, my parents will be babysitting on most of the days and I'll probably go with them for a couple. I'll spend the other days here so I can get in some route practice and, God willing, some further writing on the game. I pretty much stalled out last week and pray I'm not in for another chunk of absolute creative freeze. I've had quite enough of that this long and lonely summer as it is thank you very much. Church ought to liven up tomorrow a bit. That's really become something I can count on. Hark! I hear a super-high-pitched Amia scream unless I miss my guess. Time for Uncle Mike to put this blog entry up there, go down and investigate.

people and fantastic places

Hello everyone. Church today was interesting. The sermon was about how we should all be prophets and not be afraid to do extraordinary things in God's service. Other than being a general encouragement to continue with my staggeringly large project, there wasn't anything else in it which I can immediately make use of. I've never been afraid to discuss my beliefs with people presuming they're at all interested. Sticking out certainly isn't new to me. That's for certain. Should opportunities to do more immediate good present themselves, I'm absolutely willing and eager to pitch in where I can.

I got to know a couple of people after the service and they now have a bit of a better grasp of my situation. Making inroads socially is a very slow process but I feel like it's at least proceeding. I'm very optimistic that I'll eventually get beyond the "see you next sunday" stage with this congregation.

Yesterday, I saw Allison, Ava and Amia who came over for a visit and dinner. Dan had to work this time. Ava and Amia were very cute and up to their usual chaotic standards. I taught Amia the word "chips". There were potato chips out for people to nibble on and she was very interested in them. She's getting better at indicating audibly what she wants but not quite at the stage where she can ask directly. She'll raise her arms when she wants to be picked up. Ava still doesn't like to eat her dinner and needs to be talked into it or bribed to keep going. Even dessert doesn't always do the trick. I wonder when she'll grow out of that. Her little sister certainly enjoys her food. They'll be going to Canada's Wonderland for the first time pretty soon and I'll probably go with them. It'll be interesting to see what they think of all the attractions for kids. I still remember my first ride on the Ghoster Coaster. I have a whole lot of good memories of that place.

Tonight, I'll be having dinner with Mark and Wendy. It'll be good to see them again. I believe we'll be trying out a new burger place. Other than that, who knows? Going out with excellent friends like them can hardly fail to be interesting. Over the weekend, I've been reading To Glory We Steer by Alexander Kent and have very much enjoyed the book as I usually do with the Bolitho series. I'm almost done. They're about to square off against the French fleet so I suspect I'll finish it up this afternoon. Kent has a terrific way of making you feel as if you were right on the deck with the book's characters. I just hope I'm up to doing even half as good a job when I at last come to the story-writing stage of Enchantment's Twilight. That's still quite a ways off although there'll certainly be bits of it throughout the design document.

Adam and I certainly had a good time on friday evening. Turtle Jack's was up to its usual good standards. Their new summer menu had a Thai chicken dinner which I quite liked. The Score brownie for dessert was even better but a little on the rich side. Adam has found a splendid new fantasy board game the name of which completely escapes me. Many of the concepts gave me ideas for how Enchantment's Twilight should work. One thing I definitely want to incorporate is to have battles potentially take place over multiple rounds of play so that other players have a chance to become involved. Incorporating that into the original three-round-per-day mode of advancement ought to be within the realm of possibility. It does require a break from strict realism though. Given that each segment of day, morning, afternoon and night, is an eight-hour chunk of time, it would be a rare fight indeed which would last even most of one such time period. When divising board games though, I'm beginning to see that one must be willing to introduce elements which somewhat stretch the suspention of disbelief in order to achieve overall gameplay objectives. Thinking through such implications seems to be what I'm in for over the next week. No real character inspirations have occurred to me for quite a while so I have to concentrate on other areas. I'll be looking over the current rendition of the game board and see if I can resolve the history and function of various places in greater detail. As more of this builds, I expect it'll become easier to come up with a roster of characters who would realistically compete for positions on the island's ruling council.

another monday

Hello everyone. It's been a good morning so far for writing but my creativity has given out for the moment. This afternoon should also prove productive though. The weekend was alright but there were some damned slow boring hours there. On Saturday, I went with my parents to babysit Ava and Amia in Hamilton. They're certainly full of energy. We were all kept pretty busy by both the kids and their two kittens Pickles and Pumpkin. There were times when all four of the small creatures named above were around me wanting to examine my netbook and bag. Curiosity is certainly a trait widely shared in my brother's house. For a while, we went outside to their backyard where I pushed Ava and Amia together in a swing they have set up there. You could almost call the backyard a miniature park with its swings, sandbox, playhouse and three small slides.

Sunday started off pretty well with church. We had a guest preecher do the sermon. He's another fellow who works with The Dam, a nearby organisation which tries to help youths who are living troubled lives. I tried to volunteer for that organisation but was turned down because I couldn't commit to two years. I have no way to know for certain that a call from the folks in charge of affordable housing won't come before that long although it's probably a pretty safe bet that this will turn out to be the case. They're certainly in no rush to find me a place to live on my own which I can actually afford on ODSP. The only commitment I would be in a position to make would be one which either involved a secure fulltime job which let me afford my own place and got me off ODSP altogether, or a volunteer commitment somewhere which I could leave whenever affordable housing at last becomes available to me. If transportation there and back were provided, I would cheerfully offer whatever assistance I could as long as it gave me the opportunity to interact with people in person rather than through a damned keyboard. There are simply no such doors open to me. Slowly but surely, this frustrating circumstance is chipping away at me. It's eating away at my desire to even keep trying. The rest of Sunday crawled by uneventfully. My father has found a pre-mixed kind of Margareta which comes in tall thin cans. It's quite good and I enjoyed one over the course of the afternoon while chatting with people online. The DNTO podcast on flawes was also an interesting half-hour or so. I deeply miss having a special lady in life to go out and do things with especially on Summer weekends.

I just looked on eHarmony to see whether anything new had happened over the past while. Big mistake! That site is going to eat away at what little sense of fool's hope I have left of finding someone special. I just can't work up the motivation to check on that site regularly. I've started this guided communication process with well over sixty women now. All of them seemed quite promising from what they wrote in their profiles. However, pretty much all of them have found reasons to close off communications. I spent a good fifteen minutes going through and completing the closure process on my end for something like eleven or twelve of them this morning. I'm still technically waiting to hear from three or four but frankly don't ever expect to. Seeing as I paid a fairly high entry fee, I feel compelled to keep checking in and seeing whether anyone has so much as noticed me. It seems pretty damned pointless to invest time in looking for more people to fling multiple guess questions at. I'd merely be setting myself up for yet more rejection. The whole setup seems so badly out of kilter with its objective. It's so utterly demoralising. To engage in it is to truly stare one's sense of hopeless futility full in the face. Still, I suppose I ought to try it with a few more of the matches it throws at me if only to keep the balance of universal justice happy.

Meanwhile, I've posted my blog entry about my trip to Chicago on the Dating4Disabled site and have so far gotten pretty positive feedback. I have yet to hear from anybody close enough to have any hope of actually meeting but that seems to be true of most people whose blogs I've read on that site. They've formed a kind of online community of friends. That isn't at all what I'm ultimately after. However, on the off chance of striking it lucky, I'll keep posting my writing there once in a while. It seems to interest some of the folks and a lot of them seem in need of such distraction from their own solitude and boredom. There's just so much untapped human potential out there. I'm also still communicating with Nadia. She found me on another dating site which I was very close to abandonning. We hope to get together next tuesday. She's in the process of learning how to drive a modified car with hand controls since she's paralised from the waste down. Again though, the only reason that it's possible at all is my mother's willingness to take me out to a mall in Brampton. I'm very thankful that she's willing to do this but it certainly increases the nervousness of whoever decides to meet me. Nadia has to use Wheeltrans to get there so there's no room for being spontanious. It's damned frustrating not having my own place where I can invite people and not to be settled in a situation where I could more easily get around a community on my own meeting and interacting with people on my terms. I'm going to listen have another listen to the route my mobility instructor Ray and I finally succeeded in recording properly last week and then try to go father towards Symposium this afternoon. I helped my father close the cover on our swimming pool and it seems nice enough out there. Once I'm back from that, it'll be time to return to the design document of Enchantment's Twilight. I've come up with another approach to what could be an interesting early stage of the game. Until now, I had thought of players as each controlling a character in the wizard's trusted circle of leaders who form the island council. However, it might be interesting to have each player control a couple of possible candiates for these positions of honour. They would then have to go around the island earning favour, respect and popularity so that they might be chosen. Presuming I can contribe circumstances which properly balance cooperation and competition, this could indeed be a suitable way of introducing more randomness into the arc of the epic.