An Extraordinary Summer

Hello everyone. The time following my vacation seems to have snuck away from me. Always a danger when nobody is actually paying you to do anything. I had a very good week up at lake Joe. The drive up was lengthened quite a bit by traffic. The Canada Day festivities onsite were frankly pitiful in nature. As a result, I don't believe I'll go on a week with a long weekend. I missed out on the festivities my family usually partakes in with their neighbours. Also, I missed the still very fresh experience of going out on my own to enjoy the fireworks near my apartment building. That said, it was good to have so many familiar people present during my vacation.

Ethen, the musical guy from Thailand I encountered last year, was my roommate this time. He has yet to find a way to permanently stay in Canada. However, his family can come here on vacations. He rejoined them after the week concluded in New York if memory serves. I wish I had thought to ask him about that blind activist in China everyone was talking about a few months back. We got along quite well and I was happy to help with the odd bit of cultural misunderstanding and English word or two. He enjoys the place so much that you'd have to be very self-centred indeed not to be thankful that you live in a free and compassionate country where such a place like Lake Joe could survive at all.

Lindsey was also there. It seems that nothing has really changed in her life. Anybody thinking one can just suck it up and get with the program after losing sight and all memories from childhood up into early adulthood is just plain kidding themselves. I don't get the sense of much movement in any direction emotionally or otherwise. She's still very sensitive and prone to worrying overly about minor things. I've helped her think through a few such incidents thereby saving the staff some trouble.

Jennie, Janet and Lori were also there from last year. Jennie has been going to Lake Joe even longer than I have. She still enjoys it enough to go for multiple weeks. I don't know how she keeps as cheerful as she does with her health condition seemingly certain to degrade sharply long before she reaches old age. I don't know that I would have her fortitude faced with that. She makes the most of life enjoying being a member of the Lions club as well as the sport of curling. She's also an avid reader of this blog and I'd be deeply remiss if I didn't say a hearty hello Jennie.

Janet was just as friendly and helpful this year as the year before despite my breaking up with her. I still think I did the right thing there. We would have grown more bored of each other as the realities of long distance and long visits set in. Our interests and intellects simply differ too drastically for good will and love to overcome. Lori is still Lori, as enigmatic and difficult to comprehend as ever. Clearly though, she had a very good time once again this year.

Thanks to the various water coolers stationed around as well as the ice machine in the dining hall, I could restock my water bottle easily. It has saved me a small fortune in pop I might otherwise have been tempted to purchase. The cabin water is actually high in sodium content and thus unsuitable for drinking to adults with sodium-restricted diets. I have no such issues but found the water from the coolers quite refreshing when combined with ice from the ice machine. The strap holding the cap on the bottle broke. That made carrying a bag or pack around with me necessary more often than it would otherwise have been but it was no great hardship.

Lake Joe has always been a tad schizophrenic towards its clients. On the one hand, there's the place's goal to promote confidence, independence and exploration among blind people. On the other hand, they have to be so very careful about public image and the threat of a law suit. It's a tough balancing act made all the more so due to the frankly dippy nature of many of the clients who end up going there. If you've made it by society's standards of job, marriage,etc, or have the right friends and good mobility skills, you've got plenty of frankly better vacation options. More than one person has remarked over the years to me about how you give up your adulthood by going there. I can certainly see their point but don't really agree with it. Adulthood is a very multi-facetted thing. You certainly do enter into a contract to abide by the rules and deal with what's there. Due to comparatively low investment capital made available to Lake Joe, such resources can be less robust than other vacation destinations. Also, there are disproportionately high odds of running into people who are painfully sheltered from life, mentally ill, or both. Adulthood is certainly tested when such people either unwittingly or intentionally add a dash or large glob of annoyance to your vacation. Do you keep your cool and realize that those who care for such people are likely in more dire need for a break than you? Or, do you flip out and try to knock some sense into whoever it is that's wrecking your day? While I've been slightly tempted by plan B more than once, only three people over the years have pushed me seriously close to that point. And then, there was that psychotic guy who scared a good number of clients and staff when something went sproing in his box of scrambled thought. A good number of us wondered what resources for self defence we might have to employ on that occasion. It's small wonder that the whole mice or men question has yet to be firmly resolved by the lawyers, administrators and staff at Lake Joe.

On that front, the pendulum is swinging in a more positive direction. Things are beginning to improve again when it comes to offsite trips. I went on the ice cream cruise to Gordon Bay where they sell quite good ice cream. The staff took our orders, went ashore and bought it for us and we ate on the pontoon boat. I also enjoyed the Band on the Bay offsite trip. Admittedly, the choices of music played by the two bands that particular night left much to be desired in my humble opinion. However, I found myself gritting my teeth while admiring their obvious skill, stage presence and dedication misdirected though I felt it to be.

The beech was the real centre of my week there this year. I don't think I've spent so much time in the water as I did there in years. The weather was just perfect. There were a number of excellent people there to talk with this year. One of these, Esther, thinks we actually met before. If so, I don't remember. She had a very different take on Christianity and things in general. We spent hours in excellent conversation despite coming up to several points of sharp difference. She was somewhat anti-technology having no interest in learning to use computers at all but feeling compelled to purely for whatever slim chance that knowledge might give her in the fruitless job hunt. The online digital world which has been such a boon to me in so many ways was a pernicious thing foisted upon her. While I had come to Lake Joseph for relaxed restorative socialization, she felt a constant need to do stuff. I was happy to go along at certain points, but other times chose more restful company. That water and weather were absolutely splendid though.

Indoors, not a ton has changed since last year. Most activities are still really not my cup of tea. The food, on the other hand, remains excellent. The only real dining difficulty was pouring one's own glass of juice. The mugs for coffee and tea were fine but the juice glasses were downright tiny things. Even for a seasoned veteran like me, it was a nervous experience. I always dreaded the possibility of a spill which thankfully never happened at my table. I don't think blind precision pouring was slated to become an Olympic sport. Perhaps, I'm wrong there. My laptop got far less use up at Lake Joe this year than any previous. This is partially due to the inconvenient absence of wifi availability. There were definitely some duller moments when I might have made more use of it were wifi present. I also wouldn't have nearly completely burned through this month's 500 mb of data that the plan for my iPHONE makes available to me. I used it for posting audio boos, getting pod casts, checking news and weather.

My belt decided to give up the ghost on the very day I was heading back home. I found the shorts I had left unpacked a tad too loose without the belt. Thankfully, they never actually fell down on me. Carrying a cane without having a holster on a belt was jarring. I had forgotten what a nuisance that could be. The things we don't realize we take for granted.

It was good to hook up with Mark and Wendy on the way back and treat them to lunch at the Burger Pit. The burgers were every bit as awesome as they had told me when discussing restaurants over the years. Things seem to be going quite well for the two of them.

Things have kept pretty busy and unpredictable since I got back. I never figured on a month going by before this blog entry was done. I've seen a bunch of friends, gotten a belt that fits, ordered some things from Mountain Equipment Co-op including two thermos bottles.. and done lots else besides. It's all gotten a bit jumbled in the mind but I've very much enjoyed this stretch of summer.

There have been some extremely hot days where it has felt like well above 40 degrees C with the humid ex. However, my air conditioner has served me faithfully. The new thermos bottle from Mountain Equipment Co-op has been a godsend. Those things keep water very cold for a surprisingly long time even when out in the sun. I've decided to give one to a certain birthday boy. They're designed better than my steel bottle and require no screen to prevent ice from blocking the drinking straw. Very good value for money. The Gerber Dime multi-tool which now resides on my key chain is also an excellent well-designed addition to my travel kit. It's simple enough that it doesn't even come with a manual. Just a diagram that, when my father looked at it, didn't impart any tools I may have missed without its aid. Even those sneaky tweezers, accessed by a very tiny bump that turns out to be a finger nail catch allowing their separation from the whole tool failed to escape my fingers. I did, however, need a bit of help from dad to figure out the rain cover I ordered for my pack. It was one of those Sherlock Holmes moments; Completely mysterious until dad showed me how it mounted onto the pack and tightened around it. At that point, it was completely obvious. I don't know why or how that kind of shit happens to me. Utterly competent with figuring out a new multi-tool while incapable of figuring out how a rain cover goes on a pack correctly.

The first movie night at the Dam went quite well. We watched District 9 and the teens really seemed to get the message with a bit of coaching from Ken. We had a good little discussion after the movie. The discussion lasted perhaps half an hour but I felt ever so much more productive than during months of drop in cessions. No kids showed up for Slum Dog Millionaires so we left early.

We actually did get a few takers for Pay it Forward. Again, we had a good discussion after the movie. After nobody showed up for Slum Dog Millionaires the week before, I had my doubts. These things do resonate with at least some of the teens. I'm also getting to know a few new volunteers. Together, these things have afforded me a greater sense of being able to contribute than I've enjoyed over most of my time at the Dam.

Before this third movie night, I was on an excellent trip with Steve and friends to a cottage owned by his parents. It was good to catch up with him again. We had good times, good food and a nice getaway from ordinary everyday life. I haven't spent a weekend around such stimulating company in quite a long time. Steve has gathered a remarkable cast of friends over the years. I'm honoured that he counts me as one of them. It seems that both of us have a pretty diverse bunch of associates both in terms of mental ability and experience. Both of us also have the same sort of extremely supportive families. I've always enjoyed visits with Steve's parents and they have gotten to know me quite well over more than twenty years of friendship. The same holds true for my parents and Steve. They're always keen to hear news of his latest adventures. We did it all; went on boat rides, swam, cooked, ate very well, talked and relaxed.

After the weekend, I stayed with Steve and we visited some people I haven't seen since my last trip into downtown Toronto at the start of this extraordinary year in my life. It was good to catch up with Earle, Meko, Rose, Josiah and Jenevra. Steve and I also got to have dinner with Michelle Mcquigge. She's an excellent cook and conversationalist. We both thoroughly enjoyed the evening and kept poor Michelle up quite late for a working lady. She seems to have survived though so all is well. She custom made burgers for us. Even the Cesar salad was good and I'm not usually a fan of that. Delicious food for body and mind. Steve and I got back quite late. I was pretty tired but I get the sense that Steve would have cheerfully gone to a bar or something. What a guy. I hope to have him out my way soon so I can give him a restful wholesome time in turn. There are people in this area who remember him fondly from previous all too rare visits. I also take great satisfaction in introducing him to some of the many more sedentary pleasures his affinity for wandering causes him to miss out on.

Alas, nobody turned up for Stranger than Fiction, one of my favourites. I know better than to take it personally. It's their summer, and I can well imagine all the things pulling them in different directions. It's hard to get a sense of how many of these kids have jobs or other major responsibilities and how many would just drift through a summer. Hopefully, they'll discover these missed movies when they're ready to appreciate them. Certainly, my first encounter with Stranger Than Fiction was most timely. If no kids show up, we volunteers tend to chat for a while before heading home. It's been good getting to know them. I still haven't really connected with anybody at the Dam in a way that I feel will last longer than my volunteer time there. It's becoming pretty clear that much like university, this will be yet another chapter in life with fleeting casual relationships which vanish as everyone else seems to move on. There's just not enough opportunity for me to really connect with these teens and do what I'm really supposed to be doing at the Dam. Perhaps, things will pick up somehow in the Fall when there will be some fresh attendees at the drop ins. Meanwhile, I can't really lose with movie nights. At the least, it provides a chance for me to talk with some fellow volunteers.

It's now Thursday evening, august the ninth. Pretty much a solid month since I started this entry in earnest. I did take some notes during my vacation. A whole lot has slipped through the cracks. Meeting Shirley's grandchildren for one thing. They're a couple of very bright little kids who clearly love my friend their grandmother to bits. They brought over a braille book for me to read to them which had print and tactile pictures. It concerned the prodigious eating habits of a very hungry caterpillar. They always caught me when I ... improvised the odd addition to his stupendous repast. It was terrific fun showing them my various talking gadgets.

I've also done my usual amount of reading and listening to pod casts. I've heard some absolutely splendid stuff from CBC Radio this Summer. Frank Edward Nora has been in very fine form with his Overnights cape pod casts. I haven't had time to enjoy as many of those as I thought I might but have been utterly spellbound by his perceptive affable monologues. I've purchased and am reading David Brin's Uplift saga on Audible. I've also gotten the Dragon Lance Lost Chronicles books. That pretty much gives me the complete chronicles portion of the whole Dragon Lance canon that I'm interested in owning. I found that the series took a nosedive with Dragons of Summer Flame. Too much time travel and the whole necessity for main characters to die spun things out of whack for the series. Some of the short stories aren't too bad but really, the best of Dragon Lance is in the original chronicles and these lost chronicles written twenty years later. I've only begun reading the first book but they seem to have recaptured that zip and spirit of the original tales wonderfully. I've adjusted my Audible subscription to the platinum membership plan so that I receive two credits per month. I hope to set a more even pace with my purchases and not feel the need to grab extra credits quite as often as I have over the past year. I also anticipate more months where I don't make purchases and this plan lets me carry over an additional four credits for a total of ten at any given time. We'll see how that works out.

This Summer has also seen a number of tragic shootings. I don't know what possesses people to commit such horrors. Short of self defence or the defence of an innocent person, I can't imagine any circumstance where I would take someone else's life. So many lives have been ended or changed forever because of idiots and the cruel fate of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. So many sad stories that it boggles the mind. My heart goes out to all of this Summer's shooting victims and their families.

On a more positive note, this has also been a tremendously exciting season for science. During my vacation at Lake Joe, I received news that the long sought Higs Boson particle, also known as the God particle, has been substantiated as fact. Apparently, you can't isolate this particle or see one directly. However, enough high-speed collisions at the LHC under France and Switzerland have provided data proving its existence beyond doubt. I remember learning about the quest to verify its existence back in secondary school science class. They've done so at long last. I wonder what this will lead to. Earlier this week, my damnable insomnia let me down when I needed it most. I slept through the exciting landing of Curiosity. Thankfully, this latest most advanced rover has made it safely to the surface of Mars and we'll doubtless learn a lot from it. I can't wait for that whole process of ramifications filtering from the lab into mainstream society to begin. Such monumental achievements. What stupendous seeds for deeper understanding have been planted in these hot dry months. I have so many reasons to be thankful for the Summer of 2012. All the major events have happened now, but we're not quite done yet. There's still most of a month to go before Autumn takes hold and I really knuckle down to serious work.

There are still some things I'd very much like to do first. One of these is to take in the Bat Man Dark Knight Rises movie preferably with friends who haven't already seen it. That begins to seem pretty damned unlikely though. I'll likely end up going with my parents just as I have for pretty much every one of the few movies I've felt were worth paying to see. Ideally, I'd like to see such a film with people who liked discussing what they took in afterwards perhaps over dinner or a coffee in some nearby establishment suitable for a good conversation. Somehow though, I simply can't seem to connect with the right people. Same goes for attending festivals or conventions where I might meet some of the authors whose books I've read. How to connect the god damned dots? Over the past two summers, I think I've moved somewhat in the right direction. Enough has happened so that my disappointment in what hasn't happened is far less keenly felt than it was in prior years. For the record, I would like to get to a Derry Queen and enjoy a blizzard with one or more friends before this decade ends. I haven't done that since Janene left me and I'd like to think it's still humanly possible for me to do so without her.

On a somewhat related note, I have no doubt that readers may wonder where I am on the whole relationship question after this splendid Summer. I wish I had an easy answer. I still very much hope to find a special lady to share life with. That hasn't changed. Fairly soon now, I'll be making some changes to my profiles on a couple of dating sites. Frankly, I don't hold out much hope at all for lightning to strike again via that means. However, I want to leave the door open and clean on that front. I think it far more likely that some lady will stumble onto this blog and appreciate me through it. Either that, or some local meeting will occur. All my travels have given me far more of a peek into the down side of relationships lately which has tempered my enthusiasm and increased my appreciation for the stability of life that I enjoy as a single man. It is, as someone once wrote on a Plenty of Fish forum, a different kind of happy. Most of my friends seem to have had far greater luck in finding people of the opposite sex who were interested enough to become intimate. However, far too many of them rushed in and now regret it. This Summer frankly didn't expose me to many couples who I would call contented. I no longer have such a keen sense of time slipping past while I remain single. I still hope for change. God knows it would open up a whole lot in life for me. It would also make solitude a desirable option rather than what I too often find myself imprisoned in. Given the economic reality in which I find myself, I would settle for a love partner who didn't want to live together and marry although that would still very much be my preference. I couldn't go for one of those casual sex things though. To be worth-while at all, there has to be exclusivity and permanence. A marriage in all but name in other words. Something deep, lasting, and built up over time. I'm certainly open to possibilities within reason. Hopefully, God will some day see fit to open up at least one less solitary possibility for me. Meanwhile, given what mess I've observed lately in that sphere of life, I wait a good deal more patiently and contentedly than I have before.

Looking ahead to the approaching Fall season, I plan to go full throttle in two directions; First of all, there's proceeding creatively with the design document for Enchantment's Twilight. The magic system needs to be rounded out. Combat, skills, weaponry, characters, overarching story, and the interchangeable subplots and story arcs that will make up the heart of the game need to be created. All of that simply won't happen in a season, but I'm hopeful to make substantive progress in at least some of those areas. Also, on days where creativity runs dry, there's the whole business of picking through my three central game development books for key principles and lessons applicable to what I'm attempting to create. That process will also eat up a lot of time. I hope to approach things with a bit more discipline than I have for a while now. That isn't easy with so little extrinsic motivation and reward for efforts. The vision I was initially given seemed to indicate that I would reach some sort of critical mass of material which would allow the creation process to begin to feed off of what was already there. Thanks largely to Rose's breakthrough with my magic system, my faith that this will indeed happen has been restored to me. It's still a long way off, but I have confidence that it'll eventually happen. So much has happened socially this Summer that I find myself feeling balanced and recharged in a way I haven't felt for a very long time. As long as insomnia doesn't get its hooks into me too badly, I think my creative engines are ready to rev up once again.

Camping with Shades of Gray

Hello everyone. It's been somewhat longer than I originally intended it to be between blog entries. My camping weekend really should have had its own. Two days from now, I'll be heading off to Lake Joseph for my week's vacation. To top that off, a few things have happened in between. I won't go blow by blow through the weekend for a number of reasons. Despite this editing on my part, this will still be a long entry. I've had a great deal to reflect upon.
The weekend got off to a lamentable start. Ron and his new friend both let time run away from them and weren't ready at anywhere near the time they were supposed to be. Sadly, it seems that alcohol, cigarettes and time have taken a heavier toll on Ron than when I last got together with him. He hasn't lost any of his kindness but his motivation to get things done in timely fashion has ebbed away. It's becoming easier and easier for him to just drink rather than anything else. It's painful enough for me to have the odd glimpse of this inner destruction of good character. I can only imagine what that's like for his parents living across from him. Things were a tad tense on the way up. \mark, our driver and defacto camp leader, is a very time-oriented fellow. He likes things organised, on time and done. We got to the site late and everyone was tired. Due to this, some corners, or should I say tent flaps, were figuratively cut.
For most of the time, there were five of us. Ron, my fellow blind camper and friend. Don, a new friend of Ron's, was a professional chef who has knowingly chosen to work for a restaurant run by mobsters. Adrian, an acountant, was Mark's long-time friend. They had done a lot together and he shared Mark's helpful disposition. He was the newby on this trip who had never gone camping before. I've mentionned Mark before, and last but not least, there was me. On saturday, we were joined by another Ron and his wife Jen. Had things worked out, we would have also had a John. Two Rons, a Don and a John in our rough and mostly merry company. I kid you not.
Conversation took many interesting turns. Poor Mark, doubtless tired from stres and all, was kept awake long into the early morning by Don and I going into the matter of religion. Due to a bad experience as a child, he had become a pretty firm non-believer. My friend Ron has become just short of hostile to the ideas of God and salvation. Between those two, I had my theological hands full and then some. Due to alcohol intake on their part, the conversation suffered from tragic circularity with nothing really getting resolved. I did, however, manage to impress Don a little I think. I gave him a few new points to consider at any rate.
Adrian was a very observant and considerate fellow. Early on, he learned that Ron and I were on the same program with roughly the same income. He noticed that while I had an iPHONE, Ron didn't even have an ordinary cellphone. Basically, the reason for that boils down to Ron's vices chewing up every scrap of spare cash he has. With no such adiction, I have a much easier time making ends meet and saving up for the odd purchase. I'm also free to wait until I come into some spare cash. Ron cannot. Things you're adicted to don't tend to let you do that. I feel no great sense of superiority about this. If anything, it creeps me out. Had circumstances been different, I might easily have given in allowing similar temptations to totally ruin me. I feel a deep disapointed sadness at what vitality and purpose cigarettes, alcohol and so much idle time have robbed my friend of. I still hold out some faint hope that he'll either take up editing Audyssey Magazine again or summon at least enough resolve to pass the torch onto someone else. He has a bad tendency to turn turtle and go silent rather than face up to things. I find myself wishing I could just snap my fingers and fix everything giving Ron a fresh chance at it all. I looked up to him so much as a younger man. Volunteering with St. John's Ambulance for ten years teaching advanced CPR, earning the friendship of such excellent people as Mark, Jamie and others. He inspired me to try to make the best of my circumstances, that even with no job or marriage, there were still plenty of reasons to try to do good in the world. The core of him is still there but it has been badly worn away. Like other concerned people in his life, I've had to reach a point of accepting that he likely won't pull out of this. Come what may, I'll always respect him for who he was and try to be the best friend to him that I can be. I'll pray for him to a God in whom he doesn't believe, hang on and keep hoping. Thanks to Earle's spectacular transformation, I find that still possible.
Getting to talk to a character like Don was worth a great deal to me. I've never met anybody like him. I could never make the moral compromises that he has. I simply couldn't justify them to myself like he manages to do. It was sometimes hard to tell when events happened as he believed they did for the reasons he ascribed to them. There was an aura of "shit happens and I just go where fate takes me." about him. A lot like what seems to have taken hold of Ron. Don was, I think, being completely honest as he saw things. I didn't have a sense that anything was made up for my benefit. There were definitely areas where he wouldn't go into detail. I imagine such waryness is a pretty important survival tool. Despite our differences, I found I liked him on the whole.
The weekend didn't go without its mild misadventure. I won't reveal which of us tried drugs for the first time other than to say it most definitely wasn't yours truly. I've never felt comfortable with the thought of injesting anything stonger than alcohol merely for recreation. I was, however, fascinated to be able to hear someone else do so while sitting beside me. The result was nothing like my hazy preconceptions of possible phantasmic hallucination. So far as I could tell, he perceived nothing that wasn't already actually present. However, he couldn't trust that we or anything he saw around him was actually real. He said everything was like a dream or movie. It seemed to disturb him somewhat. He also retired earlier than Ron, Don and I so I presume the experience wore him out somewhat. There was a hike to a nearby beech with nothing but uncomfortable rocks to sit on. This resulted in Ron, Don and I heading back and having a longer walk as Don got "turned around". Neither Ron or I could be of much assistance. The most annoying of the misadventures was a direct result of friday's late arrival and incomplete work on our tent. It rained on sunday morning and that rain came right through the mesh hole at the top of our tent where a flap ought to have been installed. It pooled in the tent and on the air matress. I packed all my things up damned pronto. Poor Don's sleeping bag was beneath the matress. Not only was poor Don freezing for want of his bag but the unused thing must also have been quite wet and a pain to pack for him.
The food was excellent. Don and Mark really know what they're doing when it comes to food and we ate very well. There was steak, jerk chicken, wonferful mushrooms and grilled vegetables. I never knew mushrooms had gills or that taking the skin off them made them sweeter. Don certainly knows his business well. He feels quite justified keeping his secrets and the better pay offered in exchange for such discression. I gained quite a bit of valueable if sad insite into how corruption can take hold in our lives. It has made me do a lot of soul searching over the past while.
As always, I had a terrific time with Ron and company. All of them have good hearts and you couldn't ask for a safer group to have such an excursion with. I consumed something on the order of ten beers, shared three, and came home with five untouched. I was so caught up in conversation that I lost track of everyone else's tally. This peek into the shadier side of life has proved to be a somewhat somber burdon for me to think on. I feel older than when I left on that friday afternoon. I don't consider myself above corruption at all. I just keep it to a relatively small scale in my own life. I purchase my music and books these days. However, I'm unwilling to part with les honestly gotten gains obtained during my marriage where boredom was the intractable enemy for Rebecca and I. Everyone else seemed to partake in it so why shouldn't we? There was no way we could have pourchased any of it so we weren't costing them sales they could have had. It's so damnably easy to rationalise and justify these things to yourself. It's only later that you realise how hollow those justifications really are. I could have been standing on much higher moral ground had I been willing to deal with less stimulation. But then, I wouldn't have come to a great many realisations and conclusions. I literally wouldn't be the same man I am today. Despite completely believing what Ken told all of us at the Dam about chocolate that isn't fair trade certified, I stil enjoy the occasional Mars bar. My not doing so just won't really make a shred of difference to anyone other than guilt-ridden rationalising me. No, reader. I try to live a good moral life but don't pretend to be above petty temptation. We all fall short of the mark.
I've gotten an external battery for my iPHONE. Seeing as I'm not using its GPS capability rather than my Trekker Breeze, it's a pretty necessary bit of kit. Also, should we have another blackout, I can keep my phone going at least twice as long. I should have attended to that ages ago but the need didn't seem as obvious until I found out how much power location services use up when they're being heavily monitored by a GPS app. Hats off to the developer of the Ariadne app. I'm finding it even more helpful than the Breeze. I suspect that the GPS receiver in the iPHONE has a lot to do with my I prefer an app costing less than twenty dollars over a device costing just short of a thousand. It seems to get a location fix pretty much immediately. No standing around for five minutes waiting any more. Rather than routes, Ariadne uses a landmark approach pointing out the nearest "favorite" at it calls points of interest. You can also examine a list of favorites ordered by distance. There's a map feature which lets you move your finger around a map of your surroundings. It announces or makes sounds for streets and other features. You can zoom it in and out. Also, it rotates so that it shows what you face. I haven't found a way for it to display favorites on the map which aren't streets. Mainly, the favorites I have marked are in a park area around a lake near my building. I've successfully gotten to the Dam and back with it. My father and I walked to Symposium and I put in landmarks to help get me there. This bread crums method seems to work better for me to my surprise. Next on the ajenda after my trip is marking out the route to the bank. It's thankfully a lot easier to edit landmark names and such on Ariadne than it was on the Trekker. Typing quickly on the iPHONE, however, is a skill that continues to elude me.
I've heard from Adam and Steve. Both have gone through rough spots lately. Adam didn't end up getting the job he had hoped would result from his internship. A pretty big disappointment for him. I hope he's got the stamina to stick it out and find another path to something he can live with. He's been pretty busy for the past while so I haven't gotten together with him. That'll happen for shure once I'm back from Lake Joe. I can't really help him all that much. I did connect him to Michelle McQuigge, a blind journalist I know. She's at least very familiar with the territory. Sounds like she was able to inform him of some resources which might be useful. I hope something works out for him soon. It's been a long road of many jobs. A really good one for HP as tech support was lost due to the recession. My friend's work life is only vicariously glimpsed through conversations and bits of it that he recounts to me. I don't have nearly the same feel for him in that sphere of life that I do in others. I just hope something which keeps him engaged and that lasts comes along for him soon.
Job hunting is such a dehumanising process. I wish there was a way to automaticaly grant people the basic opportunity to make an honest living without having to go through that. Later, if they wished, they could seek to improve their job situation knowing that they at least had a contributive place in the work world. You'd think some social scientist or industrialist could work out the details for something like that. There should also be more of a formal system of exploring various career options prior to actually going to university or coledge and being saddled with debt possibly with credentials that don't seem to be valued enough even to get people in the door. If competition could be moved one rung up somehow so that people weren't just left dangling, perhaps, that would at least minimise the soul-sapping waste of young ardour and life when nobody even gives you a damned chance to prove your worth. I've known too many people who have been stuck searching, hoping for the dots to somhow be connected. As it is, I think the current system is wasteful and unsustainable. We've seen an substantial mainly peaceful Occupy movement. Perhaps, if things carry on as they have much longer, we'll see more people like Don, happy to keep his mouth shut and do a good job for bad people. When honesty gets you nowhere, more young people might well look at less societally desireable alternatives. I'm amazed how much more sympaathy I have for a man like Don than I would have even ten years ago.
Steve has had to deal with the death of an uncle. I had a good long conversation with him and have been invited up to a cottage at the end of the month. It's a sort of pre-birthday event. Should be a lot of fun spending the weekend with Steve and a number of his friends. This summer has been so much more eventful than even last year's hot season. I've been enjoying it thoroughly although it has very much depleted my bank acount. My family is willing to help with that a bit thank goodness. I expect things will slow down in the autumn. It's been such a mixed bag of mostly positive experience. I've learned a lot already and we're just getting into July.
Lake Joseph beckons. I'll be going there tomorrow. Things are all packed and ready other than the laptop I'm writing this blog posting on. As always, I have hopes. There's a small chance I'll find a special lady. A somewhat more sustantial chance that I'll perhaps encounter new friends or people with interesting life stories. For all its faults, Lake Joe seems to attract people of good character to work there. You also get interesting campers like Ethen was last year. That, above all else, is what keeps me going back year after year; the people. I could definitely do without some of the mentally challenged folk, particularly the ones who are really round the bend. However, I'm willing to chance that to be in a place set up for blind people. It has always been there when I've needed there to be somewhere different to go which I could afford. I know a lot of familiar people will be up there including Janet and Lori. That will be interesting to hear how they approach their second week at the place. There are always little sociological curiocities of that sort. Lindsey will be up there also. A good guy named Rob emailed me to say he'll be there. We had some excellent chats when last I encountered him. I think the Lake Jo dice are loaded in my favour this time around. A good thing too. I need this week away to rejuvinate and perhaps better integrate some of what I've written about here into my thinking. On that note, I believe I'll sign off and get this entry posted. I'll likely publish a blog entry about my trip upon my return. Meanwhile, you may find the odd audioboo courtesy of my iPHONE. Later, folks.

Happennings

Hello everyone. It's been quite an eventful time since my last blog posting. Eventful in the digital sense at any rate. My netbook bit the dust a little while ago. Thankfully, it did so gracefully enough to allow me to rescue files and clear off personal info. I'm now the happy owner of a new Acer Aspire 3947Z laptop. That would have put a sizeable dent in my prospects for an exciting Summer and completely wiped out my savings. However, my parents came to the rescue there and purchased it as a very welcome and much appreciated birthday present. I did all the research and found what I believed to be the best bang for my buck knowing that it would have to be something I was satisfied with for years to come. It's on the cheeper end of laptops but Acer has packed an extraordinary amount of power in a package that is far more thin than I would have thought possible. You'd think it would overheet but it doesn't. It was the best bang for what I thought would be my bucks right up until the moment of purchase at the counter. I've always appreciated my father's philosophy of ownership. It's not the spending of money. It's the choices you make and care you take to make them with the best possible information. It's your willingness to live with those choices.

Settling into this new digital home away from home has absorbed quite a bit of time over the past while. The data transfer amounted to around 151 gb of mainly my audio file collections, books, dramas, music etc. I'm still gradually installing the odd bit of software but the main stuff is pretty much in place now. The first writing project undertaken on this new laptop is going to be a review of three separate laptop speaker systems. I spent a fraction of the money originally earmarked for the laptop on two of these sets. Another somewhat larger portion was spent on an extended battery. I haven't done anything really techish in a good while. Also, it seems like a good sensible way to reach out a little to the sighted community. My articles in the newsletter published by my church to its members do that a little. However, I haven't produced anything specifically for the non-religious crowd. I consider my blog to be for everyone but am humble enough to realise that my ramblings about life only become possibly interesting when they intersect the lives of others. That certainly has happenned. One fellow found my blog due to a posting on bedbugs. My x-wife and I had to deal with those while living in Oakville and it was a royal pain and stressor on every level. My hope is to have the reviews posted to The Gadgeteer, a site I've grown quite fond of. Check it out at:

http://the-gadgeteer.com/

It's one of those great stops on the internet for lovers of new creative techno stuff or simply those in battle with boredom. I've often thought that God invisioned gadgets and technology as a salve for the unwillingly single. I find the chance to put them through their paces very interesting. Even more fascinating to me is reading about the ideas and descriptions of small inventions meant to accessorise our lives. I'm very selective when it comes to actual purchases but far less so when it comes to my curiocity.

Rose succeeded in her gole of one hundred consecutive days of at least one and often two yoga classes. In celebration of that remarkable achievement, I hosted a gathering of friends at my apartment. It worked out quite well. Everyone did more work than I had planned on including Rose herself who cooked a delicious turkey. However, everyone nevertheless seemed to enjoy the experience and got to know each other better. It felt wonderful to have my apartment full of such thoughtful and friendly people. Wendy had some great news. She's been hired by a private tutoring agency to teach Math, a subject she's frequently left me flabbergasted with her ability in. I hope the youngsters will appreciate the wonderful talented lady headed into their little lives. Can't wait to hear about how things go when next we visit. There were abundant leftovers. I had around three days nearly free of cooking after that gathering.

Another major event was the Mushroom FM virtual cruise they put on for the station's second birthday weekend. These online events continue to surprise me with how much meaningful interaction can take place digitally. It brought a lot of the separate audiences together who only tend to listen to certain shows and kept them tuned in together for fifty-three hours. The chance to win one of two $222 prizes or snag a totebag certainly proved enough incentive for me to go well outside my usual musical preferences. I did, as things turned out, win a totebag pretty much right off the bat. I did so by instigating the condemnation of a fellow Canadian, one Bruce Toews. I was surprised by how much universal agreement there was that he should walk the virtual plank. What delightful fun... for me. He got accidental revenge upon me later on by playing a truly dreadful version of \Michael Row Your Boat Ashore. I can't stand that song no matter who sings it. It's right down there with that other hated song about how I have a radient and recently minted nickel. Can't stand that one either. All in all, the event was absolutely perfect for those of us who suffer insomnia. I've certainly come away with a good friendly intelligent bunch of new followers on Twitter.

I'm sitting here at the Dam again. Had a brief conversation with one of the young fellows. That'll doubtless be the high point of the whole two hour drop in period. It's been unusually quiet today. Nothing special is happenning that I'm aware of. Seems a tad early for exam-related panic crunching on their part. It's an extremely nice day out there though. It was damned annoying being confused by that section of the route near the playground and basketball court but I can't say I mind the extra time outdoors.

This week has ben pleasant on the whole. After twenty years, I've at last gotten around to seeing how the book Hunt For Red October actually ends. The final tapes in the old copy I once had from the CNIB were worn to the point of uselessness and I never got round to asking for a working copy. Now, it's all digital and I was able to download the book from the online library. At last, I know the actual end of the story as well as the extent of liberty taken by the film.

Ava's sixth birthday went quite well indeed. The family enjoyed a splendid dinner at the Keg and our serving lady Linda went well above and beyond the call of duty to make Ava feel like the little princess we all know her to be. She seems far happier about being six than she was when she turned five. Doubtless, they're in for a Summer of camping and other wild and crazy fun besides. Dan and Allison put a great deal of soul and effort into raising their children as well as their jobs. They must often wind up exhausted. Mom and dad have taken up the role of grandparents with real heart. I can't say I regrette the decision made during my marriage to have that operation to remove the possibility of having kids. As much as I enjoy being an uncle, my creative work and the friendships I'm fortunate enough to have are my worldly immortality. I don't know that I'd make a good father despite often finding myself in the role of a sort of father figure to people. I stil very much hope I get another better crack at being a husband. Absolutely no luck on that score lately. All the ladies in my life are uninterested or already spoken for. It's a frustration that just doesn't ever completely go away.

I took my first shot at doing audio reviews of these speakers I've got. I'm woefully rusty at it and a saturday's worth of efforts came to nothing. I figure I'll try and do the written reviews ffirst over the next while. Perhaps, with my thinking more solidly laid out, the audio creation will go better. I can hope. At least everything's here now including the extended battery. I expected something a lot less slim and more awkward to attach which would perhaps adversely effect the balance of the laptop. What I have is a surprisingly light battery which neatly fits onto the bottom of the back of the laptop and actually changes the keyboard angle for the better. It extends out like a small steep ridge from the bottom. I don't anticipate it snagging on anything.

It's thursday now. Yesterday was a good day. The only real snag was the construction noise outside preventing me from making use of the balcony. The rain and thunder would have kept me in for only part of the afternoon. Today feels too chilly to do the balcony thing. There's a cool wind. Tomorrow is supposed to be an absolutely splendid day. Looks like the new batch of weekly specials have just become active on Grocery Gateway. I'll spend this afternoon working on my order and take advantage of them. I have another two coupons in my spring coupon book and can't quite remember which of them I've already used. One of them saves ten dollars and I'll try to use that one up next presuming I haven't already. Otherwise, I'll save five dollars in addition to any savings on specials.

I guess that pretty much covers it for now. As usual, there's the sense of having missed documenting a great deal of good listenning and interesting thought. Not certain whether I shouldn't just go with the flow and drop the whole blogger's guilt thing about that. I'll keep trying to capture more thoughts as I have them at least on Audioboo. Think it's time I put this post up and got to my shopping on Grocery Gateway.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

The Stuff of Life

Hello everyone.It's been longer than I thought it would be between blog entries. The new normal has settled in. Easter has come and gone once again leaving a legacy of love, forgiveness, family and food. Things have been quite peaceful and placid this past while. I've enjoyed good health and there's been plenty to keep me busy.

Easter was quite good this year. Unlike Christmas where I attended church on neither Christmas Eve or day due to family activities, I caught both services at Easter. There could well come a point in my life when I no longer have any family in easy reach. I therefore take most if not quite every opportunity to be a part of things. Increasingly, more occasions are coming up when I could actually do otherwise. That's still a relatively new phenomenon for me. I got to hear my nieces go on a very fast egg hunt. It was all in one room of my parents' house and the action was caught wonderfully on Audioboo. They found everything in well under the five minute time span I can capture at once with the service. The microphone in the iPHONE is really quite good. I just wish there was more control over the noise cancellation for when you want to capture more of the background noises. I'm glad I managed to record that little slice of life. Things seem to be going well for Dan and his part of the family. They had a great trip to the US recently and the kids seem to be enjoying their days in school. Here's hoping that lasts. I guess it'll be Ava's birthday soon again. Haven't really come across anything superspecial to get for her but I guess there's still a little time.

The new CNIB digital library has at last been unveiled. I've been able to circumnavigate the odd bug thanks to my multiple screen-readers, two browsers and some patience. Firefox seems to work best so far. I certainly appreciate the increased number of books available for download. This includes some long-time cherished favourites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo. I also enjoyed Jay Ingram's The Burning house, a non-fiction book about what is known about the human brain.

It's been nice catching up with friends lately. I've also started getting to know some additional people over a new app for the iPHONE called Zello. There's also a version for the PC. It works pretty well. Earle and a few other old friends use the app also. It works a lot like a walkie talkie with the addition of channels both public and private. Like most other such apps, I don't tend to have it open unless and until I actually want to chat. I've touched base with a few old friends, Earle included. I've also had some good conversation with Jessica, a lady in the states living in one of these house-trailers I've read about but have yet to actually feel. They apparently shake quite a bit when the wind picks up. Hannah, a listener of Mushroom FM who lives in the Philippines,told me quite a bit about what it's like for blind people there. They don't have any sort of social services or benefits. I was curious whether this provided any greater incentive for people to actually hire the disabled. Sadly, this is yet another of these idiotic theories that business-supportive idiots love to toss out there. Her experience has been pretty dismal. She's supported entirely by her family and can't easily travel around. There's all sorts of pressure to get a job that nobody wants to give her. A degree in computer science could very easily just go to waste and nobody over there would think twice about it. Although not very lucrative, my education has, I feel, been a substantial benefit to me and those who have come to know me in life here. She briefly had a job as an online language translator and conversational tutor but the experience left her feeling very exploited and drained with no money to show for it. I hope she catches a lucky break and wins through somehow. I wish I could help in some way. As it is with many people, I help her by having and taking the time to be an understanding listener who can, at least a little, relate to what she's going through.

I tend to like using gwconnect for Skype communications. Mainly these days, I've been talking with Rose. We make good sounding boards for each other but still run into patches where I tend to run out of patience. I get a strong sense of being productive, of doing something useful when I can be available for her. With all the crap she's gone through, she needs someone to vent to. If I can be even a small part of her journey to truly settle in and become a healthy part of the church community, then I've done a good thing. She has so much sheer knowledge and thought to offer that it takes your breath away. She seems to think some woman's going to find me soon and I won't have nearly as much time for her. As much as I'd dearly loved to believe her, I just can't. Similar to the whole god-guided versus reality-governed universe, all the signs in my experience point to a long stretch of single life ahead of me in a world of increasingly fragile fragmented busy people who don't truly value what I do. I've done everything I can within reason to increase my chances. Certainly, God could pull some long convoluted strings in the fabric of reality and bring a suitable woman into my proximity. While I hope that happens, I won't hold my breath while waiting nor spend any more time moping if it doesn't. I'll do my best to keep positive, to do what I believe God wants me to do, look for any places in life where what I know or discover can be of help to people, and continue to count my life's many blessings.

In around ten days, I'll be hosting a gathering at my apartment for Rose. She has nearly completed her hundred days in a row of Yoga. A damned remarkable feat considering the chronic pain and sleep deprivation she has experienced. Things are at last looking up for her. It helps to finally have a diagnosis. People are less likely to dismiss her concerns and will hopefully appreciate her efforts more in that light.

Work on Enchantment's Twilight continues. Just now, it's entering a somewhat dull patch that I can't say I relish overly. I'm trying to find the proper size for the board to be, a balance between speed of travel and there still being room for special locations and journey-related character development and events to occur to the characters. It would help tremendously if I could settle on a good travel system which felt experientially satisfying. It has to serve the purposes of getting characters from A to B, making travel fun, and adding to the overall atmosphere of the game. Pure random dice rolls don't quite give me what I'm after but neither does a completely predictable deterministic system. I believe I may be inching closer to an acceptable midpoint between the two but won't count my chickens before they hatch in this instance. A whole lot of old preconceptions have been tossed away and for now, a lot of balls are hanging in the air. The whole magic system breakthrough has opened quite a sizeable can of worms. It'll make for a very interesting Summer creatively. Another catalyst for all this change was another excellent game design book I just read. The Art of Game Design; A book of Lenses by Jesse Schell easily ranks among the top three game design books I've ever read. It makes for an excellent counterpoint to Ernest Adams's Fundamentals of Game Design. Thanks to Mr. Schell's more artistic sense of what it takes to achieve a game which gives the experience of fun, I feel much more properly directed as I set about nailing down the core aspects of Enchantment's Twilight. Mr. Adams has given me the order in which to try to accomplish things while Mr. Shell has given me tools to examine that work in a new light. Strange that one of the first results of reading the book is to be faced with the necessity of changing the board length and system of travel. But there's just no getting around it. The results are that critical, a bedrock on which to build the more creative castles in the air. Even in this important work, dealing with numbers continuously for this extended period has tinted life with the gloom that complicated numeric reality beyond the very basics always has. I've just never found mathematics enjoyable. Thankfully, they'll be behind the scenes when the player experiences them.

Looking ahead to the Summer, I'm actually quite confident it'll be interesting in other more social ways also this year. I've got my annual trip to Lake Jo scheduled for the start of July. I hope I can have as good a vacation as I did last year and come back without then getting sick as has happened a couple of times now. Hoping for the start of a steady love relationship on top of that stroke of good fortune is, I think, too optimistic even for me. There'll be the occasional trip to Canada's Wonderland with Carine and Kevin. I'm also hopeful of one or more excursions downtown to see Steve, Earle, Meko and the rest of that gang of good people. Slowly, more zest seems to be coming into life. May that process long continue.

No real action is happening on the relationship front. This past year has already seen two false starts. Not even a nibble from Plenty of Fish even after I finally figured out how to un hide my profile. Figured that might help a tad but experience isn't backing that assumption up so far. Meanwhile, my projects, online chats, visits with friends and a whole raft of podcasts and even TV are coming to my rescue. I'm certainly not wallowing through the muck of time anymore. Still, there's that void in life which just won't seem to go away. Too many thoughts, experiences and moments that I keenly wish were building blocks of a steady love. Thanks to this reserve of cheerfulness and an increasing sense of community connection, the square pegs I try to force into that round void work somewhat better than they once did. And yet, all too often, that emptiness makes itself felt. Is there truly no woman out there unspoken for who would either find my life interesting enough to share or, failing that, actually offer me a stable alternative? I wish I were one of those people who truly believed that God had pre-destined everything. Being patient is a whole lot easier when one has faith that God has picked out someone special just for you. I just can't subscribe to belief in a universe that really works that way. Well-wishers have offered that old platitude that "someone will come along at the right time.", or that whole notion that "the right person" simply hasn't appeared yet but will eventually. Both notions simply ring hollow to me. God need not control everything, solve every problem, and work miracles to a point where they're too common to be called such. Randomness and coincidence are plain facts of life to me. Virtue, compassion and prayer don't always lead to the positive outcomes we strive for. People far more faithful and devout than I have been left to suffer far worse fates than unwilling unemployment and singledom. Compared to getting nailed to a cross, I have the perspective to think I have it pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. That perspective helps in the same way that being thankful your leg wasn't blown off by a landmine lessens one's itch while suffering bites from black flies. I'm still in for countless days alone, conversations with people too distant to ever be more than friendly voices, counting and enjoying my many blessings in life in solitude when I'd be ecstatic to be able to share them.

The weather has been somewhat unseasonably warm lately with a few brutal reminders that we're not quite through with cold just yet. I've begun walking to the Dam on my own again. So far, things are working quite well. There's still a sense of uncertainty. I can't really let my guard down and just casually walk the route. However, it has stuck with me more solidly over the Winter break than any route has before. That area with the three gates and Basketball court is still all too easy to get badly turned around in. However, I'm getting better at recovering when this happens provided the GPS is locked in. The Trekker Breeze is doing quite well these days. I just wish there were more places within walking distance worth getting to often enough so the routes would at last stick semi coherently in my head.

I mentioned square pegs earlier. One of the latest I've tried out is a little audio game called Swamp. It's basically a first-person shooter for the blind pitting players against a zombie apocalypse. I finally remembered that I did indeed still have an old optical mouse and thought I'd give the game a spin. It's actually surprisingly addictive. I've always wondered if I'd actually enjoy such games provided they were accessible. Friends would talk about spending hours playing Doom, Quake and such and I just couldn't fathom how they sustained their focus. What kept them coming back? Now, I have an idea of how that works. If your character dies before reaching the safe zone with his or her loot, everything is lost but one's reputation and experience points. You can be walking around with advanced weapons and loads of ammo, get chewed up before making it back to the safe zone, and be forced to start yet again with nothing but an axe and pistol. It's keenly frustrating but you just keep hoping that luck will at last favour the bold and you'll come back with something impressive to donate for increased reputation. It's the old "Next time, things will work out better" pernicious pull that I guess hard-core gamblers must feel even as they sink into inescapable debt. Added to this pull is the very cathartic act of confronting a purely evil threat with the inability to even accidentally harm one's fellow players. It's a game with no real moral complications. You can blast those zombies to bits without any repercussions other than positive ones. Very unrealistic and therefore, most appealing. A clean safe way to blow off stress or anxt provided one has the discipline to stop. That is, in essence, the moral catch.

Complicating things for me is my poor orientation skill. I'm dead serious here. The game takes place in a map of a town with stores, houses, etc to go on scavenging missions in. I find it extremely difficult to keep a good sense of direction even with all the sonic aids. I've been killed numerous times right by the safe zone because I couldn't find the small entrance to it. Even when I remember in my panic that it's on the west side, it's still just a small gap in a solid wall. Buildings are pretty much deathtraps. It's so easy to get hopelessly turned around in them. I have yet to succeed in recovering an item needed for a quest. I keep getting lost and subsequently killed in the narrow confines of building corridors and other tight areas. This game could and should be used by orientation and mobility instructors. Finding my way around is nearly as time-consuming and frustrating as it is for me in real life. The only consolation is that you can just stop and do something else without actually being lost hours away from home. If you could actually hoof it around as quickly as your character with such impunity to muscles and energy, you really would be damned far away when you discovered how woefully lost you had become. And of course, being able to run at full tilt even while packing a minnigun is another power trip in and of itself. While wielding it, you actually have to crouch and brace the gun before firing it. Walking while wielding it does slow you down to a crawl. However, just pull out your axe or some other weapon and you can quickly carry that minnigun to where it needs to be.

Offsetting the navigation frustration is the pull of participating in a community of sorts. You can hear someone getting chewed to bits by a zombie and come to their rescue. Some of the expert players will actually carry on text conversations while on missions. The mouse really does help you move and shoot with more fluidity and precision. I keep hoping that I'll come up lucky and get enough reputation points to get me out of this starting grind and into the larger parts of the game like missions. Alternatively, I keep wondering when the painfully slow progress plus the annoyance of finding my way around will dissuade me from continuing to play at all. I've already seen the better part of two days pretty much vanish on me. Were it not for the fact that I've rearranged cords and items on my desk so that the long-neglected mouse has a home, I'd have to pinch myself to be certain I hadn't dreamed it and that today is, in fact, Thursday already! I haven't spent anywhere near that much time playing King of Dragon Pass yet and it offers far more substance and sense of meaningful accomplishment. How has Swamp just sucked away so much time? Even though I can barely get around, I think it's that sense of there being a community of real people not unlike myself who are engaged in an unreal but nonetheless epic quest for survival. I'm fitting yet another square peg into a round hole and just now coming to grips with what an imperfect fit it is. I dearly wish I could get lost in a real experience, even the relatively ordinary experiences of daily life, with real people on a more regular basis. Most of all though, I wish I could find love with a woman who shared most of my values and at least some of my interests.

Looking at the larger picture, a few news items have caught my interest over the past while. This being the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic's doomed voyage, all sorts of things are happening to commemorate it. An actual ship with passengers has set sail and will follow the Titanic's exact route across the Atlantic. At least one of the people I follow on Twitter is interested enough to have tuned into a feed reenacting the voyage with tweets about events at the times they occurred. There's a kind of creepy fascination that makes me pause for thought whenever I come across one of those. I've been meaning to find out more about how the modern reenacted journey is doing but have yet to get around to that. There's also a large collection of recovered artefacts which may go up for auction. That's sparking quite a controversy over the prospect of profiting from what some see as a grave site. Personally, I'm rather inclined to hope that the stuff of my life, understanding my circumstances and thoughts, etc, is worth bothering with enough so that the stuff of my life doesn't end up lying untouched and unwanted somewhere slowly disintegrating. The mind boggles at the risk and ingenuity needed to recover anything from that depth. Surely, those who have risked everything to recover historically valuable items deserve something for their troubles. Archaeology has rid us of many false conceptions and improved our understanding about where we've all come from.

Apparently, this is also the active season for the large hadron collider so there could be some interesting news coming from that quarter over the next while. Thanks largely to Rose, I'm now far more likely to hear about scientific developments via Twitter than I am anywhere else. I've begun to follow @bigthink, a fountain of large-scale thoughts scientific and otherwise. It's another square peg in a round hole making me feel more connected than I actually am. There have been some wonderful podcasts lately. From Our Own Correspondents is up to its usual quality. Everything from a meeting with a Japanese travelling poet and a Buddhist monk who drives fast and loves progressive rock to reporter's reflections on what it was like to cover the war in Sarajevo twenty years ago. I have vague memories of hearing news about that. It was certainly felt on the erindale Campus where I got my degree. Tapestry has let loose some excellent food for thought. I enjoyed hearing the perspective of an agnostic who, much as I had, made peace with his position of not knowing for certain whether there was a God. There was also an excellent episode which looked at the collision of religion and comedy. Am I forever doomed to hear so much excellent food for stimulating conversation while completely alone? It damned well feels like that's the case.

In order to balance the books, the government is making cuts all over the place. We're going to lose all sorts of people from health workers to food inspectors to border guards and people from the CBC. There's no real stopping this. We voted for this majority government and it can now pretty much do what it pleases. We're going to experience as a country what less of pretty much everything one would really want from a government feels like. I worry that these cuts will go too far and we'll end up with completely preventable tragedy as a consequence. Dad, on the other hand, thinks there's sufficient excess bureaucracy built up everywhere so that there really won't be much impact other than actually better balanced books. Back on election day, I was completely disenchanted with the continual wobbling about our government seemed to be stuck in. Elections kept being called before anything really substantial could get done. I was absolutely disgusted with the degree to which our leaders just couldn't work with each other instead of trying to grab power. Well we're now most definitely headed solidly in the direction of a smaller civil service and government. I hope those who now wield the axes in Ottawa are a heaping lot better at precision waste reduction and job cutting than I am at killing zombies with my digital axe in Swamp. I would have felt a whole lot better had the Liberals carried the day instead of being utterly decimated. Still, it could all work out for the best. the new NDP leader at least sounds good when he talks. We'll see what he can accomplish while leading the official opposition.

Tomorrow, I'll be heading over to Michelle and Gerry's. It's been a little while. Only one computer problem known about in advance effecting Michelle's ability to hear audioboos. At least I've already supplied the material for testing. I don't expect it'll be a very hard nut to crack but I've been wrong before. She's had some interesting and different problems with her computer. Nothing beets that one where the bloody clock wasn't set and therefore, nothing would work since it reported a date around 2005 or so. Her version of Jaws had yet to be written so its security wouldn't let her computer actually talk. Unbelievably simple presuming one can see and read the clock. Utterly insoluble without sighted help/knowledge. I would have suspected everything else first including the sound card. It's always fun to expose both of them to new thoughts and ideas. I always come away feeling like I've done something worth-while. They appreciate my efforts whether or not they're successful and are just all-around good simple folk caught in the interweb age.

I guess that pretty much covers what sticks in the mind from the past while. I've doubtless forgotten to write about some stuff I discussed in my far more frequent boos at:
www.audioboo.fm
I find it a whole lot more natural to just let those loose but will keep trying to update this blog a tad more regularly than I have of late. Until next time, faithful readers.

A Busy Eventful Winter

Hello everyone. It's been too damned long since I've written one of these. Quite an interesting month in terms of thoughts and actions. Over the past couple of weeks, I experienced a slight illness and dealing with its aftereffects on my sleep. Nothing too serious compared to what I had last year. Just tiredness combined with a slight head ache and stuffed nose. Everything has returned to normal now with the exception of my sleep schedule. There have been some interesting food discoveries lately. In the realm of tea, I've become a staunch supporter and fan of the Stash brand. Stash Chai Spice Black Tea is remarkably good stuff. While contending with my insomnia, I came across a sealed box in the back of my tea shelf and thought I'd see what offered. As soon as I ripped open one of the packages, I knew I had struck gold. This stuff tastes absolutely splendid. The bags are very well stored in packets. I'll definitely be ordering more of this stuff.

Things have gone very well so far this year. The only real fly in the ointment is the lack of any real progress at the Dam. I've sat my hours having hardly said a word to the youths I'm supposed to be relating to. I've just got to keep showing up and hope for opportunities. It's just a very slow business.

A few Sundays ago, I attended both a former neighbour's 40th birthday celebration and my youngest niece's first birthday bash. Each event was excellent in its own way. Danni is someone I've known since my family first moved to Mississauga just before I began secondary school. She's a very interesting lady who just seemed to always move in different circles. We've probably exchanged more words on Twitter than in person. I tend to only see her at family gatherings. Once in a while, we've done stuff together with her friend Jacqui. They wanted to try a restaurant where you eat in the dark. That was certainly an interesting meal as they experienced something perfectly natural for me. Clearly, Danni had no idea what she was in for and was very moved by everyone in attendance of her celebration. We didn't get to chat much but it was still nice to be there, a part of the cast of people whose lives are somehow connected with her. She's certainly a terrific Twitter companion. It gave me cause to reflect on the impact I've had on people and how many are, in one way or another, an ongoing part of the life I lead. My own 40th birthday could very well occasion a similarly diverse gathering of family, friends, believers and non-believers who've been a part of my own journey. Despite all the time I've spent alone over the years, I've really got a lot to be proud of. Still more to be thankful for. I seem to have reached a kind of turning point which could mean that the next three years will see an abundance of new memories made from adventures with others.

Alleah thoroughly enjoyed her first birthday party. This included Felix the Fish, a stuffed toy I was rewarded from Bigfish Games after being a member for a continuous year. Mom has really enjoyed their games over the past few years I've been getting them for her as gifts. I wasn't really certain which of my nieces the fish would prove suitable for until I felt its sise. Apparently, the big mouth on the fish looks friendly enough for her. That was the only slight concern I had as I passed it to her. She seems to really like it though. By far, the biggest highlight was a toy car that she can sit in and beep the horn of. She just loved that thing. Ava and Amia were a tad under the weather but still full of beans. They love dad's iPAD. He's been getting some games for them to play on it. Even Amia's doing quite well because of how intuitive the interface is.

I don't have any memories at all from that early in life. Once in a while, as my old baby and toddler toys have been passed on, I've felt some that have seemed extra familiar to me. I remember some squeezable rubber dice I used to have. I also distinctly remember a ball of shapes where you put the shapes into the correct holes. However, I can't actually remember playing with these objects. Just what they felt like. It's hard to really sort out where in early life that curtain falls away and actual ordered memories commence. I remember my first day at W. Ross McDonald School for the Blind. Further back, I remember a day in kinder garden when a bulletin board fell on me. I don't remember anything else surrounding that point in time, just the instant of the board hitting me unexpectedly. I remember getting my toncels out and being in the hospital with a damnably sore throat. It seems like very soon after that came our family's trip to Disney World. I can't remember anything about the time in between those events. I wonder what Alleah will remember when she's my age. Does sight provide enough of an additional layer of experience that memory of the distant past remains less fragmented? I can't help but wonder how much of this time will remain coherent in my memory thirty years or so from now. This past year and a half in particular has been a very formative time. And then there's the sweep of exhilaration, of the canvasses of relationship and of work on Enchantment's Twilight. There's suddenly so much scope for meaningful exploration. Add to that the church community and the interesting places, both mental and physical, that it has taken me to. Without the aid of my blog and audio recordings, how much of what I feel now will I be able to recall later?

I've had a major breakthrough with Enchantment's Twilight thanks to my friend Rose who attends the same church as I do. I was telling her about one of the better ideas for a special location on the island that I had come up with. That lead to a discussion which resulted in her giving me a foundational idea for a nifty magic system I can use in my game. Been stuck without such an idea for ages. It combines neatly with the geography of the island so I'm now working on both areas of the game simultaneously. There's a massive amount to be worked out and detailed. It's going to take months if not the rest of the year. This opens up a whole ton. My original thinking was that as the geography and other pieces like the magic system developed, they in turn would generate story, character and other ideas. As place and resource details emerged, they would give rise to thoughts on characters, cultures, how items both magic and mundane were crafted or found, etc. Eventually, a kind of creative critical mass would be reached and it would no longer be the losing battle it has previously been to make real progress. Over the past while of no real progress, I had begun to lose faith that this would ever happen. Thanks to what was essentially a five minute conversation, the way forward has been at least partially revealed to me. More importantly, my morale and faith in what fragments of my original thinking I can still lay hands on has been restored to me. No more writer's block for a good while. That's for certain. No sooner had I written an article for my church newsletter in which I entertained the suspicion that my friends would prove the salvation of Enchantment's Twilight when it has actually started to happen. All my reading, studying other game conceptions of magic, etc, and it's a five minute conversation that finally undoes the roadblock. Who'd have thunk? What a profound start to the year.

I've been helping Rose explore the online world with her new iPAD. So far, things have gone quite well. She's currently enjoying Twitter and has started following people including some of my friends and I. Quite quickly, she's finding her online voice and learning how conversation happens. I've no doubt that she'll soon have lots more followers as more of her interests are put forth online. Skype has been especially useful to Rose since she can't afford a good phone plan. Using it, she can make unlimited calls anywhere in North America for a flat rate of around $3.95 per month. I subscribe to this myself so as not to use up minutes during the days or in case I neat to make a long distance call. It's certainly a convenience and peace of mind for me. For her, it's been a lot more life-changing. It's very exciting to see how the same sort of connectivity society has afforded me is now at last benefiting her. She's very much enjoying Twitter and digs up all sorts of interesting science links among many others.

I'm very happy to be finding some female friends who'll always be just friends. It gives a greater balance and depth to one's life and perspective. Also, if I want to have a hope in hell of creating convincing female characters, I'd better have some actual examples in real life to work with. Age aside, there are a number of reasons why Rose and I just wouldn't make a good couple. We're on two different tracks in many ways. However, I think our lengthy conversations have certainly added to the richness of my life. She seems to feel the same way about me. Haven't gotten around to putting up my dating profiles again yet. As life continues here, I find that the kind of woman I'm after has somewhat narrowed down given recent experience and time to reflect. Therefore, I'm still working out precisely what I want my profile to focus on in greater and lesser detail. It feels like I've reached a point where further drastic change is unlikely over the short term so it's worth doing all the updating. Cut once and measure twice as they say. I always get a painfully self-conscious feeling when I work on my dating profiles. The longer I can leave them unchanged, the better I like it.

Cheerfulness, mental stability, and good conversational ability are things that I really can't compromise on. Increasingly, I'm coming to the conclusion that spirituality and faith similarity is another vital thing to have in common. Some people say that opposites are good for each other since they tend to balance each other's extremes. I agree entirely with this on the level of friendship. If you go beyond that, what happens is that the constant exposure grinds at both of you and wrecks even the friendship you've achieved. It's an endless power struggle. There's no just backing off and getting it done the way you think it ought to be when you've made the commitment to be a couple. If you're just friends, each of you still has sole control of your lives and convincing each other that you're right about things doesn't come with the same level of threat to one's identity. You still want to convince friends that you're right, or at least that your approach has merit. However, the stakes aren't nearly as high.

My faith is emphatically not just the equivalent of a hobby. It's a profound life journey whose implications reach deeper than I'm probably even aware of. It forces me to face truths which aren't always very flattering about myself and wrestle with hard questions. I've been fortunate enough to find a community church of people who understand that journey since they're on their own similarly directed ones. As a non-believer, I really couldn't understand why there was this prejudicial barrier up between romantic involvement of Christians with non-Christians. As I've settled into this community and grown in my faith, the reasons for such cautions have become less antagonistic and more clear. I understand where it comes from now. If you've never seriously looked into what being a Christian is all about, you just can't grasp the depth of interplay between belief and community belonging which takes place over time. It goes so much farther beyond whether one attends church regularly. One's relationship with God reaches into all other relationships and spheres of life. It has given my life purpose and meaning where no other community or part of secular society has. I'm respected and encouraged to be who I am. There's room for a great deal of diversity and difference in God's kingdom and communities provided that one agrees with some basic pennants.

It's not that I think Christians are better than other people. We act poorly towards others, don't always practice what we preach, and have some horrific chapters in our history which rival those of any other societal group I've come across. However, I honestly believe that Christianity presents us with a life path which compels us to grow into better people if the bible is actively thought about and not just flatly accepted. It's not a one-sise-fits-all thing. Although I feel very comfortable within the denomination and church I've adopted, that doesn't mean that they're the only ones who really understand God's truth and sincerely try to follow what the bible teaches as they see it. My particular focus and interpretations seem very right to me. Right enough that I'll conduct my life in accordance with it and face whatever consequences there are for that both here and in the afterlife. In the here and now, one result is a limitation of scope when it comes to romantic possibilities. Church has become a real pillar of my life. It's something I never would have believed was possible in my agnostic days. That pillar ought not to be a wall between the life experiences of my hoped-for partner and I. It should be a major shared aspect of life. Not having this be the case is simply bound to lead to friction and a lessening of potential for both me and a would-be partner who didn't share my core beliefs. To be at my best, I need a high degree of overall stability at the core of my life. I'm after maximum depth with minimal needless drama. It behoves me to really be certain that we're enough on the same page that disagreements won't wreck how we live as a couple.

Last Saturday was terrific. I felt absolutely fantabulous and basically chose to enjoy the day rather than write. I had a couple of great chats on Skype, some excellent Twitter time with my followers, and also listened to a couple of great shows from CBC Radio1. I caught DNTO live. It was all about enemies and was, in my judgement, one of the more profound episodes they've ever done. There are some truly incredible people out there. I heard from a black author who decided he had to try and understand the Ku Klux Clan and ended up befriending some of its members. That took incredible guts. There were other people who've really looked out from their entrenched positions and found commonality. The big thing was to let things actually get personal and know each other as actual people. That's certainly in keeping with my own experience. I also heard Under the Influence. It was the first of a two-part look at Steve Jobs. Very fascinating. I can't wait for the second part to become available. Dinner with mom and dad was great as always.

Spending a day with Carine and Kevin recently was a very welcome break from the norm. It was good to catch up with them again. We had a splendid breakfast at Kora's and panzerotis for dinner. They had a very hi per but friendly guest dog with them in addition to Breeze, Carine's dog. We watched a show called The Voice. Can't say that one was a favourite but it was probably the most interesting choice on by that point. Prior to that, we all enjoyed a few episodes of Cash Cab on Discovery Channel. That makes for a nifty show to appreciate with others of a more intellectual bent. You see how the group in the cab handle the questions and choices available. I wish Myth busters had been on after that. Can't go wrong with that show.

At last, I've moved beyond my contract with Rogers and have modified the TV part to be more in line with what I actually enjoy. The extra channels have been nice to have over the past couple of years. However, I simply don't need all that. As long as I get my Discovery and History channels along with news and the occasional show of interest, I'm quite contented. I don't know that I'd be willing to ditch TV entirely. However, I have far better use for the $20 or so per month that this change frees up. Would have done it as much as a year ago had my contract permitted me to.

It's Saturday morning now. I've just heard the second episode of the Under the Influence look at Steve Jobs. Terry did an excellent job although I was hoping for more in site into the Apple re tale stores. It's a reasonable time in the morning for once. A little before eight versus the more lately typical well before five. I think I'm finally coming out of this round of illness-triggered insomnia. I hope to get together with Adam later today for a nice gaming cession. Would have gone yesterday had I been at all confident of not conking out. We've been playing more of Dokupon Kingdom which is a very intriguing combination rpg and board game. Thankfully, I took advantage of my voicememmo app on the iPHONE to record a brief outline of what we were up to so we can continue previously laid plans. It's yet another game I wish were fully accessible. As honest a guy as Adam is, there's just something unnatural about having an opponent handle the controls and describe one's options. There's so much randomness in the game that it rarely becomes at all an issue. It's something both of us can actually enjoy together.

I've really got to change my blogging style and try to make more timely shorter entries about specific events. Too much is starting to slip through the cracks now that more is actually happening to me on a continuous basis. I've tried to sign up to the new music service offered by CBC at
www.cbcmusic.ca
However, the audio captia isn't accepting what I type in as correct. Very frustrating. I've therefore fallen back to Radio Rivendell which makes for excellent accompaniment to my blogging. You can check them out at
www.radiorivendell.com

One thing that went very well was a visit from my church youth group. I had them over to my apartment and things went quite well. I showed them Super Egg Hunt which a number of them tried. They did fairly well once they closed their eyes. We also had some very good discussion and I showed them the Amazing Drive through Singer video which they enjoyed. It was nice to feel like I contributed to the evening. The circumstances simply lent themselves to that so much more than at the Dam during drop in time.

We're celebrating mom's birthday on Sunday with friends and family. That'll certainly make for a nice full day when combined with church. Just finished acquiring her present this year. I think she'll enjoy what I've picked out. Looking ahead into March, I'm in for another interesting month. My grandmother is coming for a visit. I've also got a visit with Michelle and Gerry where I'll also meet Liz Lawson, a presenter on Mushroom FM whose musical selections I've found enjoyable for the most part. I would predict that things will slow down come mid March if I hadn't just lived through such a very active last couple of months. I have no reason to doubt that things will just keep popping up to make life interesting. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Amazing Meaningful Holidays

Hello everyone. A blog entry is again well past due. It's been a very eventful couple of weeks. So eventful that I'm not going to even attempt to put things in chronological order. You'll just have to follow my stream of consciousness as it meanders through the tail end of 2011 and start of 2012. It's been a tremendously restorative good time. It's very early on Saturday morning as I begin writing this. I'm awake after an early begun five hours of solid sleep. Hopefully, I'll grab a bit more later. A cup of herbal tea, Calm Infusion, sits beside me at my desk. My computer is also in the process of converting The Passage by Justin Chronen. Hope I got the spelling right. I waited two months so I had two credits to spend. As a result, a book which could have cost $70 has cost me $28. Not bad. It's a long five-parter.

Christmas was an absolute joy this year. So was Christmas eve. usually, I would go to church on one of those two days. However, unlike every other year, my family had events on both those days and then nothing on Boxing day. I doubt that'll happen again in the next decade. I don't feel at all convicted about not attending church over the holidays. God knows my heart and where it's at. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, I've actually spent quite some time thinking about and discussing faith with my friends. Christmas day was spent in Hamilton in my brother's house. That seems to be the best thing to do with three little ones who can open and play with all their stuff. They had a terrific day and seemed to appreciate all their gifts. Ava wrote her name right away in the notebook I gave her. The flashlight from Mountain Equipment Co-op went over very well. Dad now has some money to spend on iTUNES. Mom has six games from Bigfish Games plus credits for a couple more thanks to one small mistake and the generosity of Bigfish Games making it right. After all the hustle and bustle, it was good to have nothing planned on Boxing day. I needed it to recover. I was given a pair of gloves with conductive material in the fingertips which let me use my iPHONE while wearing gloves. That was a very thoughtful idea which really stood out for me this year.

The space between Christmas and New Year's was a tad empty in places. I had family visits and also found that catching up with people online somewhat softened the solitary days. I also found myself re-reading Stephen King's The Stand. Every once in a while, that book pulls me in for another dark journey. The time passed surprisingly quickly as I made preparations for my upcoming gathering. Another pastime was Pontes Backgammon. It's a terrific polished implementation of accessible Backgammon on the computer. I bought it for 13 Euros and will be enjoying it for years. It allows for single play against the computer or two-player games on the same computer or over the Internet. You can chat with your human opponents via text message. Check out what this Romanian charity group has pulled off at:
www.backgammon.pontes.ro
I'd still love to see how Spoonbill Software would do Backgammon. That would be nifty. However, it's hard to imagine a better piece of software. I guess the doubling cube is a missing feature. Mr. Humfreys would doubtless find other neat things to ad were he to attempt it.

New Year's Eve was interesting. The day began early as I caught the very tail end of Jonathan Mosen's new year's show from New Zealand. I later heard and enjoyed the podcast when more fully awake. The morning took a decidedly crappy turn when I discovered that the drain in my sink was plugged. Not wanting to bother anybody on New Year's Eve, I tried everything including plunging the drain and putting vinegar and baking soda into it. Nothing worked though and I had to call the superintend ant. They called the contractors who came out and ended up replacing my old pipe with a very smooth new one. They used a blowtorch to cut out the old one and/or put the new pipe in. Given all the wood and other combustibles in the vicinity of my kitchen cupboards, that was the last thing I was expecting to hear. I've never actually felt one of those contraptions but must conclude that they offer an amazingly focused level of precision. They also must be far smaller than I previously conjectured. I then had to clean up the place and counter area quite thoroughly before I felt I could continue with my day. Thank God they straightened that mess out so promptly. My drain now sucks down water like it never has before.

Half the potential guests I had invited failed to show up for my New Year's party. There were six of us for a brief while. Joseph and Rose wanted to also be a part of the church's New Year's activities. Adam, Jeanette, Stephen and I stayed up until around four AM. I'm very glad Joseph and Rose were able to make it for a good chunk of the festivities and got to know my other three guests. It says a lot that I still had such a good time even though so many friends failed to appear. I very much hope I can get more friends at some future gathering. It's always so fascinating to hear friends who have never met each other and how they interact. A smaller group trades that pleasure for a more intimate level of conversation that I find equally enjoyable. There was some disappointment but this was far outweighed by a strong sense of just how blessed I am by the friendship of others.

That sense was further strengthened by a journey I went on at Stephen's invitation after we had recovered from the New Year's celebration. We spent another couple of days at my place. Shirley came for a visit that I believe was much longer than she had originally intended. Good conversation just kept it going for something around four hours. Originally, I think she intended to stay perhaps half an hour. I hope she makes it to a New Year's gathering one of these years. She'd fit right in and enjoy herself despite the age gap. On Monday, Stephen and I set off for down town Toronto. I ended up spending four days in his company as we travelled around visiting friends. I got to meet Judy and reconnect with Jevan, a young lady I once encountered while at the SCORE camp run by the CNIB. She certainly seems to have found her stride in life. I was surprised she remembered me especially from that long ago. It was a very pleasant bit of travel and visiting.

I also got to visit Michelle McQuigge along with Steve. We showed her how our iPHONES worked and let her take them for a spin. She loves her old Nokia phone with its tiny keyboard. Given her amazing facility to text rapidly versus my agonized snail's pace tortured texting, I can't exactly blame her. Texting is far less a priority for me than for her. The benefits of having an iPHONE far outweigh the annoyance that I find typing on it to be. Not so for Michelle. Our discussion was pretty far-ranging and she seemed full of energy. She certainly handles a knife well when chopping vegetables. Steve and she seemed to hit it off well right away as I suspected they would. Sadly, during that first day, I lost the speaker for my Trekkor Breeze. They cost $25 each. It's the second one of those which I've had to purchase as the first one broke. While I was at it, I also bought a new battery for the Breeze. Add the expense of a set of Urban Ear headphones for my iPHONE as well as renewing my Apple Care plan for my iPHONE and you've got a pretty expensive start to 2012. We never checked the kind of cab someone found for us at the subway station so there was no way to inquire about the speaker. The driver was convinced that the noise was the seatbelt dangling and that's what I thought until we were well away from the cab. A mistake I don't plan on making again any time soon. From now on, the speaker goes into my pocket even during short cab rides or whenever it's not in use. An easily avoidable stupid absent-minded mistake on my part.

I was able to attend Meko's birthday celebration due to weather completely changing initial plans for Tuesday. Tuesday was just too cold to think of travelling. Stephen and I had a pleasant relaxed day at the Murgaski house. I got to show Steve a bit of Backgammon and we caught up with what had captured our interests over the past while. As always, the food was great and the conversation stimulating. I've always felt very comfortable and open around the Murgaski's and hope Steve has felt the same around my parents as has seemed to be the case over the many years of our friendship.

Wednesday was a chance to reconnect with Earle, Meko, and others I haven't seen in quite a while. I guess the last time I saw a lot of them was at Steve's going away party before he headed off to India. What an awesome adventure that turned out to be. Earle has a very spacious sounding apartment. He seems pretty happy with it over all. After hearing about that incredible fire in 200 Wellesley, I guess I had expected to find him in a far smaller more cramped space with the added presumption that most units in the building would be similarly small cramped affairs. The reality is of course quite different. It's too bad he had to lose some irreplaceable stuff as a result of the fire but I'm glad he wasn't anywhere near it when it happened. I remember the newscasters remarking how people would just go out on their balconies when they could have left the building. 2011 really seems to have been an eventful year for a lot of us. It's as if time just reached out and caught us in its fast-moving currents for a while.

While Earle, Steve and I sat together in his place, talk naturally turned to others from our grade school days when we first became acquainted. Apparently, Daniel still thinks rather uncharitably of both Earle and I. He apparently thinks we're Radio Shack quality people, whatever that means, and that we should be eliminated. I couldn't help but observe that when dealing with such remarks, one should always consider The Source. They got it. I'm amazed that he's still thinking about me at all after such a long time. I really must have struck one heck of a nerve with my last letter to him all those years ago. Hopefully, it'll ultimately work to his good and help him become a better person. That was, after all, the spirit in which I wrote it. I don't wish him any misfortune at all but believe he'll bring that upon himself unless he's changed or will change substantially from the man I once knew.

Steve and Earle both have superb mobility skills combined with a sense of location and geographical context that I can only dream of. The ease with which Steve guided me around the city was nothing short of profound. Even after extensive lessons in an area, I don't enjoy anywhere near that level of sense of location. I'm always waiting and hoping that next landmark will appear and dreading that it won't because I can't keep a larger mental map in my head for any length of time. On the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if I actually move around a little more safely. Steve remarked that he thinks my place was nicely set up. It certainly is and I guess I do tend to keep it fairly neat. Still, I'd think his place would turn out somewhat similar if and when he obtains one. He still sees advantages living with his parents. They're very nice folks much like my own. Also, he has more freedom of action due to his navigation skills than I do. Even so, I would still conjecture that it would do Steve's sense of self and family good to have his own apartment. This is especially true when you start to connect with the community. I couldn't put into words how much that has helped me deal with everything.

Last week's trip has certainly opened things up in a pretty deep way. I keenly look forward to similar adventures in the future as ODSP economics permits. As much as my old friends help me get around, I believe I can help them in other ways as we all navigate life in this strange place society has put us. Earle wants to come out to my place for a weekend to show me more of the Mac operating system and feels I didn't give it enough of a chance. I would welcome such a tour from someone so accomplished and experienced as he is. However, I simply don't see myself just abandoning Windows even for a month as has been suggested to me. Simply put, I have other things on the go than mastering a whole other operating system. If I find that it can really do things better for me, that's great. I'll certainly make use of what I have. However, after my initial experience, I need a higher degree of proof that it's really worth my time mastering it. I just haven't been swept along with all the hipe. For me, the main blessing here is simply having reconnected with Earle, Meko, and others and not feeling like it's just a one-time thing. I absolutely welcome this new doorway which has opened even as I continue to hope for greater community involvement here in Meadowvale.

Some of that will happen fairly shortly. I've been invited out for drinks with people from my church who I never got a chance to connect with over the holidays. Doug and Nan are always a blast to be with. Tomorrow, I'll be meeting with John Morgan. Haven't seen him in quite some time. I'll be showing him some of what my iPHONE can do.

It's now very early Monday morning. I just had the most disgusting disturbing dream that has graced my subconscious in at least a year. I had a great time with everyone last night and don't think I deserved this nasty mental nugget at all. In the dream, I had to chop off the head of a deserter or face the prospect of him still being decapitated and my being drawn and quartered for good measure. He was such a nice man too. I felt absolutely rotten but there was no way out of the situation. My sword stroke wasn't strong enough to do the job neatly so I ended up lying the guy down and sawing through the rest of his neck. I don't believe I've ever felt so utterly disgusted and bad about what I was doing in my sleep before. You can appreciate why the thought of just lying down for more sleep seems quite absurd at the moment.

The one major event that I haven't written about at all is that I've broken up with Emily. There were a number of pretty big differences right from the start. My compassion can lead me into situations that I just don't have the resources to handle. I've got to be honest and acknowledge that my strong desire to find a life partner played a part in this misadventure also. Emily just completely shut down on me over the holidays being afraid that telling me her problems would have lead to the result which has now happened. Too much special meaningful time passed without her being a part of it at all. It made me see clearly how a whole lot of circumstances are going to have to come together for her to achieve any sort of real stability. As a friend, I believe I can be of real help to her in this journey. However, I just don't have the ego anymore to think that I have what it takes to deal with someone who just shuts off communication and disappears on someone she loves. She did the wrong thing for the best of reasons. I feel bad about how things went and wish I could turn back the emotional clock somehow. However, whatever spark of love I felt has simply disappeared. It's as simple as it is messy and un fare.

given all that's happened, I find myself in a place where that need for love has taken somewhat more of a back seat. Life has at last reached a point where I can see myself really being content as a single man from here on out. I would still very much hope to find someone stable, cheerful and intelligent to partner with. Having had two ladies show interest in me over this past year, I find that I have a great deal more hope that I will eventually come across a more suitable match for me. I fervently hope that Emily too will eventually find comfort with someone who shares more of her interests, likes Stevie Wonder's music, and doesn't mind the prospect of owning cats among other things. I very much want her to find happiness in life. Sadly, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm not the one who can give it to her. It looks like we'll be able to stay friends once she's had some time to adjust her feelings toward me. Having that happen with someone who is actually near enough and has the time to come and see me would certainly be a refreshing welcome turn of events. Of course, there's still the question of whether or not to put up my dating profiles. I guess I probably will despite how ineffective they've been. Increasingly, I'm of the opinion that the next one will be someone who I either meet locally, at Lake Joe, or who finds and takes an interest in my blog. I guess the dating profiles can help lead people to that. If nothing else, it'll help me move on a little having left out my welcome cards so to speak. Meanwhile, I have a sense that there's now enough opportunity, meaningful connection and activity in life so that it doesn't feel like there are major pieces missing. I no longer feel so incomplete like a puzzle piece that can't quite slot in anywhere.

At last, it's approaching seven in the morning. That's a far more reasonable hour to shave, shower and prepare for the day. I'm feeling a tad tired but otherwise quite good about things. Writing things down always tends to help me work through stuff. I feel like this blog entry hasn't done these holidays justice. I've had such a wonderful and profoundly meaningful time. What I've captured here seems so inadequate but will simply have to serve. This year has already started off so full of surprises. I've never had a Winter like this which hasn't slowed to a painful crawl of days so similar and devoid of events that they blend into each other. Life really seems to have changed fundamentally for me. I'm very grateful for such changes and the challenge they bring. I know that God has blessed me with the friends and family to see me safely through them one way or another.