Year End Reflections for 2018 Hello everyone. I haven’t done a personal blog entry in ages. The Personal Power guide I’ve been working on plus segments I’m doing for Kelly and Company have scratched that blogger’s itch. The rest of life certainly hasn’t been uneventful. I just don’t have the same need to document everything as I once did. However, I feel a need to take stock today at year’s end. Where to begin? Married life seems a good place. Sara and I are enjoying a largely stress-free and happy marriage. We’re both pretty good communicators and overall positive people. We certainly have disagreements but have typically managed to talk through them without inflicting pain on each other. Both of us have our own separate spheres of life and share enough interests to value our time together. It’s hard to believe we’re i our fourth year of marriage. The work I’m doing for Kelly and Company on AMI Audio has proved to be very rewarding and also quite challenging at times. How to cram all the information I want to impart into fifteen-minute segments isn’t always easy. However, it has helped organize my thinking when it comes to working on Personal Power: the iOS Edition. Increasingly though, it’s harder to make the two projects dovetail as the guide enters what I hope will be the last stretch of work. It’s been a very long haul and my initial enthusiasm for the guide is fatigued. There’s still quite a lot to get done before it’s ready for release. I’ve done way too much work to cut corners or just walk away from the project. It’s got to get done right. Financially, AMI Audio has continued to compensate me for the segments I prepare and I’m ever so thankful for this opportunity for paid work. It still feels precarious despite this being my second year of producing segments. I’ve just passed the 100 segment mark. I didn’t imagine it would last so long and there’s still the niggling dread that one day, it’ll just snap off like a switch and vanish. That keeps not happening though. Because of this income, I’ve been able to acquire a lot more apps and try things that I simply wouldn’t hav felt free to without it. The guide will be a far better resource due to this. My library of legally owned books and audio dramas has certainly gotten larger. So far there haven’t been any issues with ODSP or Peel Housing. I don’t think the upcoming changes to social assistance will cause us any trouble. However, I have a distrust for Conservatives and their tendency to dismiss and devalue people who haven’t managed to become self-sufficient. I worry tremendously about our new premiere and his habit of ignoring science in favour of ideology. It’s a case of scrapping every bit of long-term thinking the other side did regardless of merit. There’s already a stupid amount of that going on south of the border. Greed and self-centred short-term thinking is sadly winning the day right when the planet needs the exact opposite. I don’t think Trudo has much of a chance of surviving the next election. Too many mistakes made and too many badly needed initiatives promised which take god damned time that the other side will wipe out before they can realistically have any long-term results. That deeply frustrates me. This year’s politics really leaves me angry and wanting drastic world change which seems impossible right now. It feels like it’ll take some catastrophic disasters to really get people to change and ditch this us versus them crap. It sounds like those might even occur in my lifetime if the UN scientists are right. I hope we don’t waste all twelve of these next apparently crucial years we have to get at least some kind of grip on climate change. It should be the kick we need to start doing something about societal equality but people keep finding ways of dismissing or fighting against that kind of thing. I keep thinking there must be more good news out there that I’m just not coming across. Part of that has to do with how long working on this guide has dragged on. It makes me feel more stale than seems warranted given all the interesting apps and things I’ve learned and found while working on it. Another big milestone was that I’ve reached a point where I’ve gone completely legal in terms of the books I have. I now own every book I’ve wanted to own since my teenage years. I’ve done this without breaking the bank thanks largely to Kindle and Audible. Knowing how very hard it is to write the stories which have done so much to shape me over the years, this feels tremendously good. Once my guide is finished, I might well take another stab at writing a short story collection. Alternatively, thanks to the Voice Dream Reader app and sites like Storybundle, I have a substantial collection of books about creative writing and game development. Those will help whether I pursue rpg creation or story writing. But first, there’s the guide to finish before it drags me under creatively speaking. I still feel that it’ll fill a gap in the help that’s available for people who have or contemplate getting iOS devices. That hasn’t changed. I’m still using my iPHONE7. Unless my carrier offers me a super deal, it’ll stay that way for potentially the next couple of years. Sara upgraded to an iPHONEXR at far less expense than I had thought possible. So far, she’s pretty happy with it. Understandable coming from a 5S. It’ll be interesting to see what she does with so much more room and other advancements. The guide will be a better informed document taking her experience of these advancements. I’ve invested in some new peripherals. A great new Bluetooth speaker called a Fugu Tough has proved to be an excellent addition to my travel kit. Sadly, the Go Duo speakers didn’t last as long as I had hoped when I backed them. The Tough seems rugged and even has speech prompts about charge levels and connection status. The other major acquisition was another successful Kickstarter. It’s a Hexgears X1 mechanical keyboard. It’s being used to type this entry. The key feedback feels very nice and it’s far more comfortable to type on than the Microsoft Universal Mobile keyboard I’ll still use and deeply appreciate when travelling. However, there’s a noticeable lag and occasional missed keystrokes. I think this is a bluetooth issue and wouldn’t be surprised if these issues went away in time. I’m still getting used to the new keyboard and its quirks. It’ll certainly stand up to the amount of typing I do. The keys are rated for seventy million clicks. The Lifepack Hustle has been a very nice travel pack for longer expeditions. It just got another bit of use on our Christmas visit to sara’s family. Plenty of room for a home base away from home and I love the shock protection. It should last ages with the possible exception of the internal mesh pockets. I can see those tearing eventually although they haven’t at all yet. The apartment continues to be a good home for us. No serious issues at all to deal with. There are maintenance projects and that sort of thing but they really take care of the building and us renters quite nicely. Sara knows far more people here than I do these days. That’s largely due to her guide dog Aladdin. I really have to get out more this Spring and get into the habit of walking more like I used to. It’s less fun with hearing loss and the hearing aids being rendered useless by too much wind or background noise. Still, I’ll need that motion and different place to help deal with the race to finish this guide in the time frame I’d like to. I’m a deacon at my church now. That happened in September and so far, I think I’ve done alright in that role. I’m still learning a lot as I go but people seem largely happy with me. It’s a three year commitment that I mean to see through barring any unexpected life-changing opportunities. Going to different churches continues to be a source of interesting talk and reflection for Sara and I. It hasn’t proved anywhere near as divisive as I once would have expected. She remains the choir director at her church. I frankly never thought of myself as deacon material but when the call came, I couldn’t turn it down. My church has been there when I’ve needed them as much as that kind of organization can be. It’s only right that I do likewise. In a few hours, our New Year’s party will begin. I think it’ll be a good one. I haven’t seen as much of any of my friends as I should have. I plan to work on that a bit more this year. 2019 should be a more social and less isolated year if I can manage that. Hopefully, it’ll also see a new creative chapter begin. I’m at last close enough to finishing this guide that I can realistically hope to get to the end before iOS changes yet again. Just not as far before that happens as I would have liked. Well I think I’ll leave you here for the moment. Perhaps, I’ll get back into more of a blogging groove. Only time will tell. Have a happy new year, everyone.
Showing posts with label apartment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label apartment. Show all posts
Monday, December 31, 2018
Friday, January 4, 2013
A New Year Begins
Hello everyone. Happy New Year's Eve. Sadly, a holiday case of the flu has forced me to sideline myself and cancel what would have been a most excellent party here. I kept thinking it would go away in time and it kept not doing so. Eventually, I had to do the responsible thing. Anybody who has any knowledge of my past and my recent long awaited good fortune in the form of Sara will have some understanding of what a painful decision that was for me to make. I had stocked up with supplies, called Piel Housing to inform them who was staying over as my lease requires, etc. A good number of my friends both new and old would have shown up. However, I couldn't face the prospect of possibly giving any of these good people this flu that has wrecked this holiday season for my family and I.
Christmas went ahead. Short of plague or life-threatening illness, I don't know that anything could have stopped that from happening. Everyone rose to the occasion and Christmas was a big success. I got a splendid audioboo of the present opening that came out far better than I thought it would. Sadly, I didn't think to take a picture. My nieces had an absolute blast. As usual, getting them to sit and enjoy the excellent Christmas dinner proved to be an impossibility. There was just so much new and nifty to play with. I imagine that'll start to change soon as expectations of good behaviour take more of a firm hold as they grow older. Everyone seemed to like what they got and really enjoy the day. Given the condition in which I now find myself, I'm very glad of this.
After Christmas, I kept thinking that the various changes in symptom were signs of me getting over this bug. I had a feverish night of being incredibly hot but with the consolation of far less stuffiness. When that went away leaving me chilled and achy, I figured things were running their course. However, the stuffiness has since returned. I've gone through a great many tissues which festooned my garbage cans. I've eaten lots of soup and other canned food. It's hard to plan more proper use of the vegetables and frozen meat when you're not certain which meals you'll be both hungry and conscious for. I've done my best. The extra supplies I got for the party will either keep until a hoped for gathering later this month or will stand me in good stead over the next while and be replaced in good time. Dayquil and Niquil are once again proving their worth giving me welcome re leaf and likely preventing me having a much worse time of it.
I'm far from the only one whose holiday plans have been thwarted by the flu this year. It seems to be reaching its peek over the holidays this year. Thankfully, all my friends seem to have avoided a similar fate to mine. I hope I've helped keep it that way and that they'll be able to join me for a gathering once I've recovered. It'll be awesome fun having them meet Sara and for her to begin to know the people who've made such a positive difference in my life. I'll just have to exercise the patience I seem to be known for.
I'm not immune to bitterness though. This positively sucks! It would have been a terrific beginning to this new chapter in life. There are some who seem to think I can be too cheerful about things. I'm pretty good at finding the bright side of things including some small consolations here. Nonetheless, I keenly looked forward to what would have soon been started. Making the calls to cancel it was really not fun.
Having said that, I thankfully have the ability to take a longer view. I'm in for a tremendously promising year. I've at last been found by a very special lady who seems to be everything I've hoped for in a partner. What's more, she's actually seriously interested in something beyond friendship with me. That's absolutely staggering in and of itself. There's also prospects for more interesting gatherings with both old friends and new. There's work on a few creative projects plus some interesting beta testing coming up. Add to that the many recent additions to my radio drama and audio library. Some interesting opportunities are presenting themselves to some good friends and it'll be very interesting seeing how things pan out there. I think I'm in for some interesting spiritual discoveries and theological discussions too. Even faced with current disappointment and discomforts, I still count myself a very fortunate man indeed.
It's early on New Year's day. I didn't plan to wake up at just shy of four. However, a dream where I was crushed by collapsing rubble inside the basement of an old house can put coffee to utter shame. I figured I'd best get up and continue working on this blog entry. If it comes again at all today, it'll take its sweet time. New Year's Eve was as enjoyable as humanly possible given the circumstances. I had a great Skype call with Sara and Rose. I'm glad those two got to be introduced at least virtually. Twitter also proved marvellous as has Audioboo. In particular, I got to hear an excellent boo of what that magic moment of transition from one year to the next sounded like in the Philippines. Pat Bouchard got a terrific recording while in the company of another of my Twitter friends Hannah Mae Aldesa. Pat's gone over there to complete studies in computer programming or something like that and they're providing hospitality. It sounds like he's having quite an interesting time of it. What a different approach to it all. You can't even tell when the moment occurs. It's just one big continuous party whose structure and tempo seems hard to define. Perhaps, there's more visual focus which Audioboo wouldn't capture. Have a listen to this young adventurous man. Pretty damned spectacular. Just follow this link:
http://t.co/ZiarzuOJ
I don't know about you, but I couldn't help thinking of my friend Steve Murgaski as I listened to that. I would quite enjoy getting those two in front of some beer whenever Pat returns to Canada. I can't wait to see Steve and company once I'm over this blasted bug. I'm still slightly stuffed and coughing. I also feel far from fully rested. I need more sleep if I can grab it in a couple hours. I have the sense that I'll need to crash at some point today but look forward to dinner with my parents. Tomorrow, things will just carry on. Hopefully, Rose can get the computer I've gotten ready for her some time this week when I'm conscious and present. It'll be good to clear that and its old peripherals out of my small storage room. As far as I could judge with my somewhat flu-dulled hearing, it seems in good working order. I've even managed to find the drivers for my discontinued Trendnet N WIFI adaptor. That was the only real snag in the whole process of getting it up and running. I'm pretty confident that it'll serve her as well as something so old and well used can.
This has been quite an interesting year. I wouldn't even know where to begin my customary reflections. The many unfortunate incidents of needless gun violence in both Canada and the US. Shootings in very public locales in busy times. Many incidents were the results of unstable people who somehow got access to very powerful weapons. A bunch were gang-related. You'd think gangs would be rather more careful about collateral damage. I wonder whether anything concrete will come out of all the carnage. The NRA seems to stifle any attempt to better control who can legally own even military assault weapons. Canada at least has a better handle on things but needs to find a way to rid us of criminals who obtain and use guns in support of crimes. I think it's a clear sign that in our quest for our individual rights, we've lost entirely too much of what holds society together. Cohesion and empathy have gone way down. There are, however, echoes of those things that might still be re-ignited. There's still a longing for a life more inclusive and less divisive. I think of the people who I've volunteered with at the Dam. They've hung onto that dream and found ways of trying to help it happen. Many of the movies I've watch with the teens there evoke that sort of consciousness. How much of that really gets through remains a mystery to me on the whole. I'm just not that involved in their life situations. I guess the real important thing is that I'm willing and able to put myself in that space of helpful soul. Perhaps, more clear-cut answers will reveal themselves in this coming year.
The two big scientific stories this year have got to be the most inspirational in over a decade. The safe landing and explorations of Curiosity have fascinated people. No life-altering information has come to light so far, but it's still early days. Same goes for the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle. I remember my secondary school science teacher talking about it decades ago. It was so vexing that this particle just couldn't be proven to exist. Now, that big stumbling block has been removed. As with the Curiosity vehicle on Mars, the large hadron collider is also really just getting started. Quantum computing is also seemingly right around the corner. I've read just enough science fiction and had just enough to drink so that a dim understanding of the ramifications of societal change quantum computing might offer us is possible for me. It's going to be absolutely earth-shaking when it really takes off.
There have been so many interesting things both in my own life and in the wider world. In better health and circumstances, I would likely have more to set down here. Even over the past couple of months, we've lived through Sandy, that huge tropical storm. We've also seen the last widely discussed possible doomsday prediction come and go. May the Mayans rest easy. They at least left plenty of room for interpretation unlike a certain Mr. Camping. I do believe we're fresh out of doomsdays. Perhaps, that'll help more people start to look forward and try to help build a better future for all of us. I can still hope.
One of the areas of tremendous success for me this past year was in acquiring long saught after recorded books and audio dramas to add to my greatly enlarged library. Audible has been a gold mine when it comes to finding complete series covered by the same narrator. the Prydain chronicles is the last remaining fantasy series I have yet to obtain which I consider having influenced me greatly while growing up. I'll be able to complete that whole phase of collection early next month thanks to my Grandmother's generocity. A new series I'm keenly looking forward to is the KIng Killer Chronicles by Pat Rutherford which I plan to purchase once the third book in the trillogy has been released in audio format. My wishlist on Audible has grown to something over a hundred titles now so there's lots more to acquire. What I really didn't expect was that Audible would help me acquire so many excellent audio dramas that were otherwise unobtainable. The Inspector McLevy and Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes being two stunningly unexpected finds. The CNIB Digital library has also offered up some splendid reading and made old favorites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo available once again. So much excellent narration was on those old four-track tapes.
For me, hope really sums everything up. The past year has given me quite a lot of that. A chance for a lasting stable love with Sara is the very surprising pinnacle of that. Seeing this relationship off to a good start is definitely at the top of my list. I know that in doing so, areas of myself which have largely starved and wilted over the past while are at last going to have space to grow properly. Having a special lady in life constitutes a very important part of my core sense of a fully realized adult life. It makes more of a difference than anybody else could quite understand. I've made a kind of peace with the lack of a job and the cascading lack of opportunity that entails. This wasn't easy at all and took years of soul-searching, creativity and frankly, anger management. It really hurts like hell to want to participate fully in society and feel utterly barred from doing so despite all the good qualities people say you have. I don't know that I ever could have come to a similar place where love is concerned. I've certainly reached a point where I can cope with the lack and find enjoyment without a female companion but it's still very much an inner struggle. Thankfully, it's one I need no longer contend with. Not for now, and perhaps never again either. Sara and I are continually surprised by how well we seem to click.
My creative projects await my attention as they probably always will. There's always going to be something I'm working on even if only slowly at times. I hope that this coming year sees a great deal more progress on that front. I've acquired a couple of interesting new books this year and still have to re-read my earlier finds more closely. I'm very hopeful that my experiences with Sara as we see where our relationship goes plus more excursions with friends will further feed my writing.
There's my home here which now has reached a state of completion in terms of furnishing. As a single man, there's really not anything else I think I might need. Things are about as perfect now as I could ever have imagined them being in terms of home facilities. It's taken a while to get to this point, but I do believe I've at last arrived there. I've succeeded in making a haven for myself and any friends or guests who might choose to visit me here. A place where I can both take care of myself and share my blessings with others.
It's now Friday morning. Approaching two thirty as I once again take up this entry. A hot cup of cider and a cookie await my pleasure on my desk. The flu hasn't quite let go of me yet but I'm coughing less often and using notably less tissue. I'm tentatively taking those as hopeful signs. I seem to have a little more energy for periods of the day but am still finding it necessary to sleep at inopportune times. Then, of course, I find myself awake at absurd times like now. The past few days have been rather uneventful. My new headset arrived and will be very adequate to my needs both for playing Swamp and while travelling with my laptop. The Logitech G330 doesn't even come close to the better headsets I've owned but then, I didn't pay nearly as much for them. They ought to do alright until I can really afford getting a better pair when these eventually ware out. One thing that very much recommends them is the comfort factor. They're light and very nicely padded. You can wear these for extended periods without begrudging the necessity. The mic does its job but again, is nothing spectacular.
The only package still on the way here are the lapdesks I ordered. The Lapgear Traveller lapdesks stand up very well in reviews and genuinely strike me as precisely what I'm after. A solid one-piece design with durable non-slip serf ice and microbead padding for long-term comfort. They're taking somewhat longer to get here. I ordered a second one of these for Sara. After hearing something rattling around in hers that was obviously picked up of some soft serf ice she used it on, I figured that this might make a practical first token of my growing affection for her.
It's now Friday afternoon. The lapdesks arrived and are pretty much as I suspected they'd turn out. They ought to serve us both very well. Just before I took delivery of the lapdesks, we had our first fire alarm of the new year. It was a small genuine fire I'm pretty sure. It may even have been on my level. After they announced that people could return to their suites, I opened the door and definitely smelled smoke. I've gotten things to the stage where I can just put the laptop and now my new lapdesk into the case and be ready to walk out within a minute of the alarm going off. I noticed they didn't announce which level the incident was actually on this time. This perfectly exemplifies why I don't just head out before I know something about a fire in progress. Had that been a big one on my level, it could have been far more dangerous to move out into it than to stay in the apartment and use a wet towl to block anywhere smoke was getting in. The doors here have steel cores and walls are concrete.
Informationally speaking, as long as I leave with that case and my iPHONE, I lose next to nothing at all. If I have time to grab a few nearby accessories like the bone conduction headset that's typically plugged in and charging at my desk, I lose no funcionality at all. Anything much beyond that would require advanced notice of an impending disaster. It's hard to hear a knock at the door from within the bedroom here so I'd rather not chance going for clothes and personal supplies in there. I've thought about why that is lately as I've spent a larger amount of time than I normally would lying down in bed. I don't think my apartment is any more than ten metres long end to end although perhaps it's close to that from the far bedroom wall to the door. The carpetting in the bedroom is much thicker than in the main apartment and seems to make the room disproportionately quieter. There's absolutely nothing else other than the bed that would absorb so much of the ambient sound. The blinds are hard plastic and the walls are ordinary.
Friday evening has arrived now. I've finished off the last of the pizza I ordered a couple days ago. Tomorrow, we'll see how a bacon and egg breakfast turns out. I have soup and other easy options ready to hand for supper depending on how things go. There'll doubtless be interesting stuff online to listen to. Eventually, I presume they'll put up the first episode of Under the Influence, Terry Oriley's excellent show about advertising and marketting. I've thoroughly enjoyed each episode of the first couple seasons and keenly look forward to this one. Spark is also staying strong and interesting these days. I doubt I'll keep even anywhere near up to date with all my podcasts with so much else likely to happen over the next year. I feel like it's pretty much bound to be a great one in so many ways. I realise that a large part of that optimism is due to Sara's appearance in my life. I guess I had simply forgotten just how much finding someone special can change. I hadn't realised how jaded I was slowly becoming. There's just so much to look forward to once I've ditched this flu bug. Hopefully, that won't be to lenghty a process. At least there's plenty to read here.
Christmas went ahead. Short of plague or life-threatening illness, I don't know that anything could have stopped that from happening. Everyone rose to the occasion and Christmas was a big success. I got a splendid audioboo of the present opening that came out far better than I thought it would. Sadly, I didn't think to take a picture. My nieces had an absolute blast. As usual, getting them to sit and enjoy the excellent Christmas dinner proved to be an impossibility. There was just so much new and nifty to play with. I imagine that'll start to change soon as expectations of good behaviour take more of a firm hold as they grow older. Everyone seemed to like what they got and really enjoy the day. Given the condition in which I now find myself, I'm very glad of this.
After Christmas, I kept thinking that the various changes in symptom were signs of me getting over this bug. I had a feverish night of being incredibly hot but with the consolation of far less stuffiness. When that went away leaving me chilled and achy, I figured things were running their course. However, the stuffiness has since returned. I've gone through a great many tissues which festooned my garbage cans. I've eaten lots of soup and other canned food. It's hard to plan more proper use of the vegetables and frozen meat when you're not certain which meals you'll be both hungry and conscious for. I've done my best. The extra supplies I got for the party will either keep until a hoped for gathering later this month or will stand me in good stead over the next while and be replaced in good time. Dayquil and Niquil are once again proving their worth giving me welcome re leaf and likely preventing me having a much worse time of it.
I'm far from the only one whose holiday plans have been thwarted by the flu this year. It seems to be reaching its peek over the holidays this year. Thankfully, all my friends seem to have avoided a similar fate to mine. I hope I've helped keep it that way and that they'll be able to join me for a gathering once I've recovered. It'll be awesome fun having them meet Sara and for her to begin to know the people who've made such a positive difference in my life. I'll just have to exercise the patience I seem to be known for.
I'm not immune to bitterness though. This positively sucks! It would have been a terrific beginning to this new chapter in life. There are some who seem to think I can be too cheerful about things. I'm pretty good at finding the bright side of things including some small consolations here. Nonetheless, I keenly looked forward to what would have soon been started. Making the calls to cancel it was really not fun.
Having said that, I thankfully have the ability to take a longer view. I'm in for a tremendously promising year. I've at last been found by a very special lady who seems to be everything I've hoped for in a partner. What's more, she's actually seriously interested in something beyond friendship with me. That's absolutely staggering in and of itself. There's also prospects for more interesting gatherings with both old friends and new. There's work on a few creative projects plus some interesting beta testing coming up. Add to that the many recent additions to my radio drama and audio library. Some interesting opportunities are presenting themselves to some good friends and it'll be very interesting seeing how things pan out there. I think I'm in for some interesting spiritual discoveries and theological discussions too. Even faced with current disappointment and discomforts, I still count myself a very fortunate man indeed.
It's early on New Year's day. I didn't plan to wake up at just shy of four. However, a dream where I was crushed by collapsing rubble inside the basement of an old house can put coffee to utter shame. I figured I'd best get up and continue working on this blog entry. If it comes again at all today, it'll take its sweet time. New Year's Eve was as enjoyable as humanly possible given the circumstances. I had a great Skype call with Sara and Rose. I'm glad those two got to be introduced at least virtually. Twitter also proved marvellous as has Audioboo. In particular, I got to hear an excellent boo of what that magic moment of transition from one year to the next sounded like in the Philippines. Pat Bouchard got a terrific recording while in the company of another of my Twitter friends Hannah Mae Aldesa. Pat's gone over there to complete studies in computer programming or something like that and they're providing hospitality. It sounds like he's having quite an interesting time of it. What a different approach to it all. You can't even tell when the moment occurs. It's just one big continuous party whose structure and tempo seems hard to define. Perhaps, there's more visual focus which Audioboo wouldn't capture. Have a listen to this young adventurous man. Pretty damned spectacular. Just follow this link:
http://t.co/ZiarzuOJ
I don't know about you, but I couldn't help thinking of my friend Steve Murgaski as I listened to that. I would quite enjoy getting those two in front of some beer whenever Pat returns to Canada. I can't wait to see Steve and company once I'm over this blasted bug. I'm still slightly stuffed and coughing. I also feel far from fully rested. I need more sleep if I can grab it in a couple hours. I have the sense that I'll need to crash at some point today but look forward to dinner with my parents. Tomorrow, things will just carry on. Hopefully, Rose can get the computer I've gotten ready for her some time this week when I'm conscious and present. It'll be good to clear that and its old peripherals out of my small storage room. As far as I could judge with my somewhat flu-dulled hearing, it seems in good working order. I've even managed to find the drivers for my discontinued Trendnet N WIFI adaptor. That was the only real snag in the whole process of getting it up and running. I'm pretty confident that it'll serve her as well as something so old and well used can.
This has been quite an interesting year. I wouldn't even know where to begin my customary reflections. The many unfortunate incidents of needless gun violence in both Canada and the US. Shootings in very public locales in busy times. Many incidents were the results of unstable people who somehow got access to very powerful weapons. A bunch were gang-related. You'd think gangs would be rather more careful about collateral damage. I wonder whether anything concrete will come out of all the carnage. The NRA seems to stifle any attempt to better control who can legally own even military assault weapons. Canada at least has a better handle on things but needs to find a way to rid us of criminals who obtain and use guns in support of crimes. I think it's a clear sign that in our quest for our individual rights, we've lost entirely too much of what holds society together. Cohesion and empathy have gone way down. There are, however, echoes of those things that might still be re-ignited. There's still a longing for a life more inclusive and less divisive. I think of the people who I've volunteered with at the Dam. They've hung onto that dream and found ways of trying to help it happen. Many of the movies I've watch with the teens there evoke that sort of consciousness. How much of that really gets through remains a mystery to me on the whole. I'm just not that involved in their life situations. I guess the real important thing is that I'm willing and able to put myself in that space of helpful soul. Perhaps, more clear-cut answers will reveal themselves in this coming year.
The two big scientific stories this year have got to be the most inspirational in over a decade. The safe landing and explorations of Curiosity have fascinated people. No life-altering information has come to light so far, but it's still early days. Same goes for the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle. I remember my secondary school science teacher talking about it decades ago. It was so vexing that this particle just couldn't be proven to exist. Now, that big stumbling block has been removed. As with the Curiosity vehicle on Mars, the large hadron collider is also really just getting started. Quantum computing is also seemingly right around the corner. I've read just enough science fiction and had just enough to drink so that a dim understanding of the ramifications of societal change quantum computing might offer us is possible for me. It's going to be absolutely earth-shaking when it really takes off.
There have been so many interesting things both in my own life and in the wider world. In better health and circumstances, I would likely have more to set down here. Even over the past couple of months, we've lived through Sandy, that huge tropical storm. We've also seen the last widely discussed possible doomsday prediction come and go. May the Mayans rest easy. They at least left plenty of room for interpretation unlike a certain Mr. Camping. I do believe we're fresh out of doomsdays. Perhaps, that'll help more people start to look forward and try to help build a better future for all of us. I can still hope.
One of the areas of tremendous success for me this past year was in acquiring long saught after recorded books and audio dramas to add to my greatly enlarged library. Audible has been a gold mine when it comes to finding complete series covered by the same narrator. the Prydain chronicles is the last remaining fantasy series I have yet to obtain which I consider having influenced me greatly while growing up. I'll be able to complete that whole phase of collection early next month thanks to my Grandmother's generocity. A new series I'm keenly looking forward to is the KIng Killer Chronicles by Pat Rutherford which I plan to purchase once the third book in the trillogy has been released in audio format. My wishlist on Audible has grown to something over a hundred titles now so there's lots more to acquire. What I really didn't expect was that Audible would help me acquire so many excellent audio dramas that were otherwise unobtainable. The Inspector McLevy and Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes being two stunningly unexpected finds. The CNIB Digital library has also offered up some splendid reading and made old favorites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo available once again. So much excellent narration was on those old four-track tapes.
For me, hope really sums everything up. The past year has given me quite a lot of that. A chance for a lasting stable love with Sara is the very surprising pinnacle of that. Seeing this relationship off to a good start is definitely at the top of my list. I know that in doing so, areas of myself which have largely starved and wilted over the past while are at last going to have space to grow properly. Having a special lady in life constitutes a very important part of my core sense of a fully realized adult life. It makes more of a difference than anybody else could quite understand. I've made a kind of peace with the lack of a job and the cascading lack of opportunity that entails. This wasn't easy at all and took years of soul-searching, creativity and frankly, anger management. It really hurts like hell to want to participate fully in society and feel utterly barred from doing so despite all the good qualities people say you have. I don't know that I ever could have come to a similar place where love is concerned. I've certainly reached a point where I can cope with the lack and find enjoyment without a female companion but it's still very much an inner struggle. Thankfully, it's one I need no longer contend with. Not for now, and perhaps never again either. Sara and I are continually surprised by how well we seem to click.
My creative projects await my attention as they probably always will. There's always going to be something I'm working on even if only slowly at times. I hope that this coming year sees a great deal more progress on that front. I've acquired a couple of interesting new books this year and still have to re-read my earlier finds more closely. I'm very hopeful that my experiences with Sara as we see where our relationship goes plus more excursions with friends will further feed my writing.
There's my home here which now has reached a state of completion in terms of furnishing. As a single man, there's really not anything else I think I might need. Things are about as perfect now as I could ever have imagined them being in terms of home facilities. It's taken a while to get to this point, but I do believe I've at last arrived there. I've succeeded in making a haven for myself and any friends or guests who might choose to visit me here. A place where I can both take care of myself and share my blessings with others.
It's now Friday morning. Approaching two thirty as I once again take up this entry. A hot cup of cider and a cookie await my pleasure on my desk. The flu hasn't quite let go of me yet but I'm coughing less often and using notably less tissue. I'm tentatively taking those as hopeful signs. I seem to have a little more energy for periods of the day but am still finding it necessary to sleep at inopportune times. Then, of course, I find myself awake at absurd times like now. The past few days have been rather uneventful. My new headset arrived and will be very adequate to my needs both for playing Swamp and while travelling with my laptop. The Logitech G330 doesn't even come close to the better headsets I've owned but then, I didn't pay nearly as much for them. They ought to do alright until I can really afford getting a better pair when these eventually ware out. One thing that very much recommends them is the comfort factor. They're light and very nicely padded. You can wear these for extended periods without begrudging the necessity. The mic does its job but again, is nothing spectacular.
The only package still on the way here are the lapdesks I ordered. The Lapgear Traveller lapdesks stand up very well in reviews and genuinely strike me as precisely what I'm after. A solid one-piece design with durable non-slip serf ice and microbead padding for long-term comfort. They're taking somewhat longer to get here. I ordered a second one of these for Sara. After hearing something rattling around in hers that was obviously picked up of some soft serf ice she used it on, I figured that this might make a practical first token of my growing affection for her.
It's now Friday afternoon. The lapdesks arrived and are pretty much as I suspected they'd turn out. They ought to serve us both very well. Just before I took delivery of the lapdesks, we had our first fire alarm of the new year. It was a small genuine fire I'm pretty sure. It may even have been on my level. After they announced that people could return to their suites, I opened the door and definitely smelled smoke. I've gotten things to the stage where I can just put the laptop and now my new lapdesk into the case and be ready to walk out within a minute of the alarm going off. I noticed they didn't announce which level the incident was actually on this time. This perfectly exemplifies why I don't just head out before I know something about a fire in progress. Had that been a big one on my level, it could have been far more dangerous to move out into it than to stay in the apartment and use a wet towl to block anywhere smoke was getting in. The doors here have steel cores and walls are concrete.
Informationally speaking, as long as I leave with that case and my iPHONE, I lose next to nothing at all. If I have time to grab a few nearby accessories like the bone conduction headset that's typically plugged in and charging at my desk, I lose no funcionality at all. Anything much beyond that would require advanced notice of an impending disaster. It's hard to hear a knock at the door from within the bedroom here so I'd rather not chance going for clothes and personal supplies in there. I've thought about why that is lately as I've spent a larger amount of time than I normally would lying down in bed. I don't think my apartment is any more than ten metres long end to end although perhaps it's close to that from the far bedroom wall to the door. The carpetting in the bedroom is much thicker than in the main apartment and seems to make the room disproportionately quieter. There's absolutely nothing else other than the bed that would absorb so much of the ambient sound. The blinds are hard plastic and the walls are ordinary.
Friday evening has arrived now. I've finished off the last of the pizza I ordered a couple days ago. Tomorrow, we'll see how a bacon and egg breakfast turns out. I have soup and other easy options ready to hand for supper depending on how things go. There'll doubtless be interesting stuff online to listen to. Eventually, I presume they'll put up the first episode of Under the Influence, Terry Oriley's excellent show about advertising and marketting. I've thoroughly enjoyed each episode of the first couple seasons and keenly look forward to this one. Spark is also staying strong and interesting these days. I doubt I'll keep even anywhere near up to date with all my podcasts with so much else likely to happen over the next year. I feel like it's pretty much bound to be a great one in so many ways. I realise that a large part of that optimism is due to Sara's appearance in my life. I guess I had simply forgotten just how much finding someone special can change. I hadn't realised how jaded I was slowly becoming. There's just so much to look forward to once I've ditched this flu bug. Hopefully, that won't be to lenghty a process. At least there's plenty to read here.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Stuff of Life
Hello everyone.It's been longer than I thought it would be between blog entries. The new normal has settled in. Easter has come and gone once again leaving a legacy of love, forgiveness, family and food. Things have been quite peaceful and placid this past while. I've enjoyed good health and there's been plenty to keep me busy.
Easter was quite good this year. Unlike Christmas where I attended church on neither Christmas Eve or day due to family activities, I caught both services at Easter. There could well come a point in my life when I no longer have any family in easy reach. I therefore take most if not quite every opportunity to be a part of things. Increasingly, more occasions are coming up when I could actually do otherwise. That's still a relatively new phenomenon for me. I got to hear my nieces go on a very fast egg hunt. It was all in one room of my parents' house and the action was caught wonderfully on Audioboo. They found everything in well under the five minute time span I can capture at once with the service. The microphone in the iPHONE is really quite good. I just wish there was more control over the noise cancellation for when you want to capture more of the background noises. I'm glad I managed to record that little slice of life. Things seem to be going well for Dan and his part of the family. They had a great trip to the US recently and the kids seem to be enjoying their days in school. Here's hoping that lasts. I guess it'll be Ava's birthday soon again. Haven't really come across anything superspecial to get for her but I guess there's still a little time.
The new CNIB digital library has at last been unveiled. I've been able to circumnavigate the odd bug thanks to my multiple screen-readers, two browsers and some patience. Firefox seems to work best so far. I certainly appreciate the increased number of books available for download. This includes some long-time cherished favourites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo. I also enjoyed Jay Ingram's The Burning house, a non-fiction book about what is known about the human brain.
It's been nice catching up with friends lately. I've also started getting to know some additional people over a new app for the iPHONE called Zello. There's also a version for the PC. It works pretty well. Earle and a few other old friends use the app also. It works a lot like a walkie talkie with the addition of channels both public and private. Like most other such apps, I don't tend to have it open unless and until I actually want to chat. I've touched base with a few old friends, Earle included. I've also had some good conversation with Jessica, a lady in the states living in one of these house-trailers I've read about but have yet to actually feel. They apparently shake quite a bit when the wind picks up. Hannah, a listener of Mushroom FM who lives in the Philippines,told me quite a bit about what it's like for blind people there. They don't have any sort of social services or benefits. I was curious whether this provided any greater incentive for people to actually hire the disabled. Sadly, this is yet another of these idiotic theories that business-supportive idiots love to toss out there. Her experience has been pretty dismal. She's supported entirely by her family and can't easily travel around. There's all sorts of pressure to get a job that nobody wants to give her. A degree in computer science could very easily just go to waste and nobody over there would think twice about it. Although not very lucrative, my education has, I feel, been a substantial benefit to me and those who have come to know me in life here. She briefly had a job as an online language translator and conversational tutor but the experience left her feeling very exploited and drained with no money to show for it. I hope she catches a lucky break and wins through somehow. I wish I could help in some way. As it is with many people, I help her by having and taking the time to be an understanding listener who can, at least a little, relate to what she's going through.
I tend to like using gwconnect for Skype communications. Mainly these days, I've been talking with Rose. We make good sounding boards for each other but still run into patches where I tend to run out of patience. I get a strong sense of being productive, of doing something useful when I can be available for her. With all the crap she's gone through, she needs someone to vent to. If I can be even a small part of her journey to truly settle in and become a healthy part of the church community, then I've done a good thing. She has so much sheer knowledge and thought to offer that it takes your breath away. She seems to think some woman's going to find me soon and I won't have nearly as much time for her. As much as I'd dearly loved to believe her, I just can't. Similar to the whole god-guided versus reality-governed universe, all the signs in my experience point to a long stretch of single life ahead of me in a world of increasingly fragile fragmented busy people who don't truly value what I do. I've done everything I can within reason to increase my chances. Certainly, God could pull some long convoluted strings in the fabric of reality and bring a suitable woman into my proximity. While I hope that happens, I won't hold my breath while waiting nor spend any more time moping if it doesn't. I'll do my best to keep positive, to do what I believe God wants me to do, look for any places in life where what I know or discover can be of help to people, and continue to count my life's many blessings.
In around ten days, I'll be hosting a gathering at my apartment for Rose. She has nearly completed her hundred days in a row of Yoga. A damned remarkable feat considering the chronic pain and sleep deprivation she has experienced. Things are at last looking up for her. It helps to finally have a diagnosis. People are less likely to dismiss her concerns and will hopefully appreciate her efforts more in that light.
Work on Enchantment's Twilight continues. Just now, it's entering a somewhat dull patch that I can't say I relish overly. I'm trying to find the proper size for the board to be, a balance between speed of travel and there still being room for special locations and journey-related character development and events to occur to the characters. It would help tremendously if I could settle on a good travel system which felt experientially satisfying. It has to serve the purposes of getting characters from A to B, making travel fun, and adding to the overall atmosphere of the game. Pure random dice rolls don't quite give me what I'm after but neither does a completely predictable deterministic system. I believe I may be inching closer to an acceptable midpoint between the two but won't count my chickens before they hatch in this instance. A whole lot of old preconceptions have been tossed away and for now, a lot of balls are hanging in the air. The whole magic system breakthrough has opened quite a sizeable can of worms. It'll make for a very interesting Summer creatively. Another catalyst for all this change was another excellent game design book I just read. The Art of Game Design; A book of Lenses by Jesse Schell easily ranks among the top three game design books I've ever read. It makes for an excellent counterpoint to Ernest Adams's Fundamentals of Game Design. Thanks to Mr. Schell's more artistic sense of what it takes to achieve a game which gives the experience of fun, I feel much more properly directed as I set about nailing down the core aspects of Enchantment's Twilight. Mr. Adams has given me the order in which to try to accomplish things while Mr. Shell has given me tools to examine that work in a new light. Strange that one of the first results of reading the book is to be faced with the necessity of changing the board length and system of travel. But there's just no getting around it. The results are that critical, a bedrock on which to build the more creative castles in the air. Even in this important work, dealing with numbers continuously for this extended period has tinted life with the gloom that complicated numeric reality beyond the very basics always has. I've just never found mathematics enjoyable. Thankfully, they'll be behind the scenes when the player experiences them.
Looking ahead to the Summer, I'm actually quite confident it'll be interesting in other more social ways also this year. I've got my annual trip to Lake Jo scheduled for the start of July. I hope I can have as good a vacation as I did last year and come back without then getting sick as has happened a couple of times now. Hoping for the start of a steady love relationship on top of that stroke of good fortune is, I think, too optimistic even for me. There'll be the occasional trip to Canada's Wonderland with Carine and Kevin. I'm also hopeful of one or more excursions downtown to see Steve, Earle, Meko and the rest of that gang of good people. Slowly, more zest seems to be coming into life. May that process long continue.
No real action is happening on the relationship front. This past year has already seen two false starts. Not even a nibble from Plenty of Fish even after I finally figured out how to un hide my profile. Figured that might help a tad but experience isn't backing that assumption up so far. Meanwhile, my projects, online chats, visits with friends and a whole raft of podcasts and even TV are coming to my rescue. I'm certainly not wallowing through the muck of time anymore. Still, there's that void in life which just won't seem to go away. Too many thoughts, experiences and moments that I keenly wish were building blocks of a steady love. Thanks to this reserve of cheerfulness and an increasing sense of community connection, the square pegs I try to force into that round void work somewhat better than they once did. And yet, all too often, that emptiness makes itself felt. Is there truly no woman out there unspoken for who would either find my life interesting enough to share or, failing that, actually offer me a stable alternative? I wish I were one of those people who truly believed that God had pre-destined everything. Being patient is a whole lot easier when one has faith that God has picked out someone special just for you. I just can't subscribe to belief in a universe that really works that way. Well-wishers have offered that old platitude that "someone will come along at the right time.", or that whole notion that "the right person" simply hasn't appeared yet but will eventually. Both notions simply ring hollow to me. God need not control everything, solve every problem, and work miracles to a point where they're too common to be called such. Randomness and coincidence are plain facts of life to me. Virtue, compassion and prayer don't always lead to the positive outcomes we strive for. People far more faithful and devout than I have been left to suffer far worse fates than unwilling unemployment and singledom. Compared to getting nailed to a cross, I have the perspective to think I have it pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. That perspective helps in the same way that being thankful your leg wasn't blown off by a landmine lessens one's itch while suffering bites from black flies. I'm still in for countless days alone, conversations with people too distant to ever be more than friendly voices, counting and enjoying my many blessings in life in solitude when I'd be ecstatic to be able to share them.
The weather has been somewhat unseasonably warm lately with a few brutal reminders that we're not quite through with cold just yet. I've begun walking to the Dam on my own again. So far, things are working quite well. There's still a sense of uncertainty. I can't really let my guard down and just casually walk the route. However, it has stuck with me more solidly over the Winter break than any route has before. That area with the three gates and Basketball court is still all too easy to get badly turned around in. However, I'm getting better at recovering when this happens provided the GPS is locked in. The Trekker Breeze is doing quite well these days. I just wish there were more places within walking distance worth getting to often enough so the routes would at last stick semi coherently in my head.
I mentioned square pegs earlier. One of the latest I've tried out is a little audio game called Swamp. It's basically a first-person shooter for the blind pitting players against a zombie apocalypse. I finally remembered that I did indeed still have an old optical mouse and thought I'd give the game a spin. It's actually surprisingly addictive. I've always wondered if I'd actually enjoy such games provided they were accessible. Friends would talk about spending hours playing Doom, Quake and such and I just couldn't fathom how they sustained their focus. What kept them coming back? Now, I have an idea of how that works. If your character dies before reaching the safe zone with his or her loot, everything is lost but one's reputation and experience points. You can be walking around with advanced weapons and loads of ammo, get chewed up before making it back to the safe zone, and be forced to start yet again with nothing but an axe and pistol. It's keenly frustrating but you just keep hoping that luck will at last favour the bold and you'll come back with something impressive to donate for increased reputation. It's the old "Next time, things will work out better" pernicious pull that I guess hard-core gamblers must feel even as they sink into inescapable debt. Added to this pull is the very cathartic act of confronting a purely evil threat with the inability to even accidentally harm one's fellow players. It's a game with no real moral complications. You can blast those zombies to bits without any repercussions other than positive ones. Very unrealistic and therefore, most appealing. A clean safe way to blow off stress or anxt provided one has the discipline to stop. That is, in essence, the moral catch.
Complicating things for me is my poor orientation skill. I'm dead serious here. The game takes place in a map of a town with stores, houses, etc to go on scavenging missions in. I find it extremely difficult to keep a good sense of direction even with all the sonic aids. I've been killed numerous times right by the safe zone because I couldn't find the small entrance to it. Even when I remember in my panic that it's on the west side, it's still just a small gap in a solid wall. Buildings are pretty much deathtraps. It's so easy to get hopelessly turned around in them. I have yet to succeed in recovering an item needed for a quest. I keep getting lost and subsequently killed in the narrow confines of building corridors and other tight areas. This game could and should be used by orientation and mobility instructors. Finding my way around is nearly as time-consuming and frustrating as it is for me in real life. The only consolation is that you can just stop and do something else without actually being lost hours away from home. If you could actually hoof it around as quickly as your character with such impunity to muscles and energy, you really would be damned far away when you discovered how woefully lost you had become. And of course, being able to run at full tilt even while packing a minnigun is another power trip in and of itself. While wielding it, you actually have to crouch and brace the gun before firing it. Walking while wielding it does slow you down to a crawl. However, just pull out your axe or some other weapon and you can quickly carry that minnigun to where it needs to be.
Offsetting the navigation frustration is the pull of participating in a community of sorts. You can hear someone getting chewed to bits by a zombie and come to their rescue. Some of the expert players will actually carry on text conversations while on missions. The mouse really does help you move and shoot with more fluidity and precision. I keep hoping that I'll come up lucky and get enough reputation points to get me out of this starting grind and into the larger parts of the game like missions. Alternatively, I keep wondering when the painfully slow progress plus the annoyance of finding my way around will dissuade me from continuing to play at all. I've already seen the better part of two days pretty much vanish on me. Were it not for the fact that I've rearranged cords and items on my desk so that the long-neglected mouse has a home, I'd have to pinch myself to be certain I hadn't dreamed it and that today is, in fact, Thursday already! I haven't spent anywhere near that much time playing King of Dragon Pass yet and it offers far more substance and sense of meaningful accomplishment. How has Swamp just sucked away so much time? Even though I can barely get around, I think it's that sense of there being a community of real people not unlike myself who are engaged in an unreal but nonetheless epic quest for survival. I'm fitting yet another square peg into a round hole and just now coming to grips with what an imperfect fit it is. I dearly wish I could get lost in a real experience, even the relatively ordinary experiences of daily life, with real people on a more regular basis. Most of all though, I wish I could find love with a woman who shared most of my values and at least some of my interests.
Looking at the larger picture, a few news items have caught my interest over the past while. This being the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic's doomed voyage, all sorts of things are happening to commemorate it. An actual ship with passengers has set sail and will follow the Titanic's exact route across the Atlantic. At least one of the people I follow on Twitter is interested enough to have tuned into a feed reenacting the voyage with tweets about events at the times they occurred. There's a kind of creepy fascination that makes me pause for thought whenever I come across one of those. I've been meaning to find out more about how the modern reenacted journey is doing but have yet to get around to that. There's also a large collection of recovered artefacts which may go up for auction. That's sparking quite a controversy over the prospect of profiting from what some see as a grave site. Personally, I'm rather inclined to hope that the stuff of my life, understanding my circumstances and thoughts, etc, is worth bothering with enough so that the stuff of my life doesn't end up lying untouched and unwanted somewhere slowly disintegrating. The mind boggles at the risk and ingenuity needed to recover anything from that depth. Surely, those who have risked everything to recover historically valuable items deserve something for their troubles. Archaeology has rid us of many false conceptions and improved our understanding about where we've all come from.
Apparently, this is also the active season for the large hadron collider so there could be some interesting news coming from that quarter over the next while. Thanks largely to Rose, I'm now far more likely to hear about scientific developments via Twitter than I am anywhere else. I've begun to follow @bigthink, a fountain of large-scale thoughts scientific and otherwise. It's another square peg in a round hole making me feel more connected than I actually am. There have been some wonderful podcasts lately. From Our Own Correspondents is up to its usual quality. Everything from a meeting with a Japanese travelling poet and a Buddhist monk who drives fast and loves progressive rock to reporter's reflections on what it was like to cover the war in Sarajevo twenty years ago. I have vague memories of hearing news about that. It was certainly felt on the erindale Campus where I got my degree. Tapestry has let loose some excellent food for thought. I enjoyed hearing the perspective of an agnostic who, much as I had, made peace with his position of not knowing for certain whether there was a God. There was also an excellent episode which looked at the collision of religion and comedy. Am I forever doomed to hear so much excellent food for stimulating conversation while completely alone? It damned well feels like that's the case.
In order to balance the books, the government is making cuts all over the place. We're going to lose all sorts of people from health workers to food inspectors to border guards and people from the CBC. There's no real stopping this. We voted for this majority government and it can now pretty much do what it pleases. We're going to experience as a country what less of pretty much everything one would really want from a government feels like. I worry that these cuts will go too far and we'll end up with completely preventable tragedy as a consequence. Dad, on the other hand, thinks there's sufficient excess bureaucracy built up everywhere so that there really won't be much impact other than actually better balanced books. Back on election day, I was completely disenchanted with the continual wobbling about our government seemed to be stuck in. Elections kept being called before anything really substantial could get done. I was absolutely disgusted with the degree to which our leaders just couldn't work with each other instead of trying to grab power. Well we're now most definitely headed solidly in the direction of a smaller civil service and government. I hope those who now wield the axes in Ottawa are a heaping lot better at precision waste reduction and job cutting than I am at killing zombies with my digital axe in Swamp. I would have felt a whole lot better had the Liberals carried the day instead of being utterly decimated. Still, it could all work out for the best. the new NDP leader at least sounds good when he talks. We'll see what he can accomplish while leading the official opposition.
Tomorrow, I'll be heading over to Michelle and Gerry's. It's been a little while. Only one computer problem known about in advance effecting Michelle's ability to hear audioboos. At least I've already supplied the material for testing. I don't expect it'll be a very hard nut to crack but I've been wrong before. She's had some interesting and different problems with her computer. Nothing beets that one where the bloody clock wasn't set and therefore, nothing would work since it reported a date around 2005 or so. Her version of Jaws had yet to be written so its security wouldn't let her computer actually talk. Unbelievably simple presuming one can see and read the clock. Utterly insoluble without sighted help/knowledge. I would have suspected everything else first including the sound card. It's always fun to expose both of them to new thoughts and ideas. I always come away feeling like I've done something worth-while. They appreciate my efforts whether or not they're successful and are just all-around good simple folk caught in the interweb age.
I guess that pretty much covers what sticks in the mind from the past while. I've doubtless forgotten to write about some stuff I discussed in my far more frequent boos at:
www.audioboo.fm
I find it a whole lot more natural to just let those loose but will keep trying to update this blog a tad more regularly than I have of late. Until next time, faithful readers.
Easter was quite good this year. Unlike Christmas where I attended church on neither Christmas Eve or day due to family activities, I caught both services at Easter. There could well come a point in my life when I no longer have any family in easy reach. I therefore take most if not quite every opportunity to be a part of things. Increasingly, more occasions are coming up when I could actually do otherwise. That's still a relatively new phenomenon for me. I got to hear my nieces go on a very fast egg hunt. It was all in one room of my parents' house and the action was caught wonderfully on Audioboo. They found everything in well under the five minute time span I can capture at once with the service. The microphone in the iPHONE is really quite good. I just wish there was more control over the noise cancellation for when you want to capture more of the background noises. I'm glad I managed to record that little slice of life. Things seem to be going well for Dan and his part of the family. They had a great trip to the US recently and the kids seem to be enjoying their days in school. Here's hoping that lasts. I guess it'll be Ava's birthday soon again. Haven't really come across anything superspecial to get for her but I guess there's still a little time.
The new CNIB digital library has at last been unveiled. I've been able to circumnavigate the odd bug thanks to my multiple screen-readers, two browsers and some patience. Firefox seems to work best so far. I certainly appreciate the increased number of books available for download. This includes some long-time cherished favourites like Larry Niven's Footfall and Michael Crichton's Congo. I also enjoyed Jay Ingram's The Burning house, a non-fiction book about what is known about the human brain.
It's been nice catching up with friends lately. I've also started getting to know some additional people over a new app for the iPHONE called Zello. There's also a version for the PC. It works pretty well. Earle and a few other old friends use the app also. It works a lot like a walkie talkie with the addition of channels both public and private. Like most other such apps, I don't tend to have it open unless and until I actually want to chat. I've touched base with a few old friends, Earle included. I've also had some good conversation with Jessica, a lady in the states living in one of these house-trailers I've read about but have yet to actually feel. They apparently shake quite a bit when the wind picks up. Hannah, a listener of Mushroom FM who lives in the Philippines,told me quite a bit about what it's like for blind people there. They don't have any sort of social services or benefits. I was curious whether this provided any greater incentive for people to actually hire the disabled. Sadly, this is yet another of these idiotic theories that business-supportive idiots love to toss out there. Her experience has been pretty dismal. She's supported entirely by her family and can't easily travel around. There's all sorts of pressure to get a job that nobody wants to give her. A degree in computer science could very easily just go to waste and nobody over there would think twice about it. Although not very lucrative, my education has, I feel, been a substantial benefit to me and those who have come to know me in life here. She briefly had a job as an online language translator and conversational tutor but the experience left her feeling very exploited and drained with no money to show for it. I hope she catches a lucky break and wins through somehow. I wish I could help in some way. As it is with many people, I help her by having and taking the time to be an understanding listener who can, at least a little, relate to what she's going through.
I tend to like using gwconnect for Skype communications. Mainly these days, I've been talking with Rose. We make good sounding boards for each other but still run into patches where I tend to run out of patience. I get a strong sense of being productive, of doing something useful when I can be available for her. With all the crap she's gone through, she needs someone to vent to. If I can be even a small part of her journey to truly settle in and become a healthy part of the church community, then I've done a good thing. She has so much sheer knowledge and thought to offer that it takes your breath away. She seems to think some woman's going to find me soon and I won't have nearly as much time for her. As much as I'd dearly loved to believe her, I just can't. Similar to the whole god-guided versus reality-governed universe, all the signs in my experience point to a long stretch of single life ahead of me in a world of increasingly fragile fragmented busy people who don't truly value what I do. I've done everything I can within reason to increase my chances. Certainly, God could pull some long convoluted strings in the fabric of reality and bring a suitable woman into my proximity. While I hope that happens, I won't hold my breath while waiting nor spend any more time moping if it doesn't. I'll do my best to keep positive, to do what I believe God wants me to do, look for any places in life where what I know or discover can be of help to people, and continue to count my life's many blessings.
In around ten days, I'll be hosting a gathering at my apartment for Rose. She has nearly completed her hundred days in a row of Yoga. A damned remarkable feat considering the chronic pain and sleep deprivation she has experienced. Things are at last looking up for her. It helps to finally have a diagnosis. People are less likely to dismiss her concerns and will hopefully appreciate her efforts more in that light.
Work on Enchantment's Twilight continues. Just now, it's entering a somewhat dull patch that I can't say I relish overly. I'm trying to find the proper size for the board to be, a balance between speed of travel and there still being room for special locations and journey-related character development and events to occur to the characters. It would help tremendously if I could settle on a good travel system which felt experientially satisfying. It has to serve the purposes of getting characters from A to B, making travel fun, and adding to the overall atmosphere of the game. Pure random dice rolls don't quite give me what I'm after but neither does a completely predictable deterministic system. I believe I may be inching closer to an acceptable midpoint between the two but won't count my chickens before they hatch in this instance. A whole lot of old preconceptions have been tossed away and for now, a lot of balls are hanging in the air. The whole magic system breakthrough has opened quite a sizeable can of worms. It'll make for a very interesting Summer creatively. Another catalyst for all this change was another excellent game design book I just read. The Art of Game Design; A book of Lenses by Jesse Schell easily ranks among the top three game design books I've ever read. It makes for an excellent counterpoint to Ernest Adams's Fundamentals of Game Design. Thanks to Mr. Schell's more artistic sense of what it takes to achieve a game which gives the experience of fun, I feel much more properly directed as I set about nailing down the core aspects of Enchantment's Twilight. Mr. Adams has given me the order in which to try to accomplish things while Mr. Shell has given me tools to examine that work in a new light. Strange that one of the first results of reading the book is to be faced with the necessity of changing the board length and system of travel. But there's just no getting around it. The results are that critical, a bedrock on which to build the more creative castles in the air. Even in this important work, dealing with numbers continuously for this extended period has tinted life with the gloom that complicated numeric reality beyond the very basics always has. I've just never found mathematics enjoyable. Thankfully, they'll be behind the scenes when the player experiences them.
Looking ahead to the Summer, I'm actually quite confident it'll be interesting in other more social ways also this year. I've got my annual trip to Lake Jo scheduled for the start of July. I hope I can have as good a vacation as I did last year and come back without then getting sick as has happened a couple of times now. Hoping for the start of a steady love relationship on top of that stroke of good fortune is, I think, too optimistic even for me. There'll be the occasional trip to Canada's Wonderland with Carine and Kevin. I'm also hopeful of one or more excursions downtown to see Steve, Earle, Meko and the rest of that gang of good people. Slowly, more zest seems to be coming into life. May that process long continue.
No real action is happening on the relationship front. This past year has already seen two false starts. Not even a nibble from Plenty of Fish even after I finally figured out how to un hide my profile. Figured that might help a tad but experience isn't backing that assumption up so far. Meanwhile, my projects, online chats, visits with friends and a whole raft of podcasts and even TV are coming to my rescue. I'm certainly not wallowing through the muck of time anymore. Still, there's that void in life which just won't seem to go away. Too many thoughts, experiences and moments that I keenly wish were building blocks of a steady love. Thanks to this reserve of cheerfulness and an increasing sense of community connection, the square pegs I try to force into that round void work somewhat better than they once did. And yet, all too often, that emptiness makes itself felt. Is there truly no woman out there unspoken for who would either find my life interesting enough to share or, failing that, actually offer me a stable alternative? I wish I were one of those people who truly believed that God had pre-destined everything. Being patient is a whole lot easier when one has faith that God has picked out someone special just for you. I just can't subscribe to belief in a universe that really works that way. Well-wishers have offered that old platitude that "someone will come along at the right time.", or that whole notion that "the right person" simply hasn't appeared yet but will eventually. Both notions simply ring hollow to me. God need not control everything, solve every problem, and work miracles to a point where they're too common to be called such. Randomness and coincidence are plain facts of life to me. Virtue, compassion and prayer don't always lead to the positive outcomes we strive for. People far more faithful and devout than I have been left to suffer far worse fates than unwilling unemployment and singledom. Compared to getting nailed to a cross, I have the perspective to think I have it pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. That perspective helps in the same way that being thankful your leg wasn't blown off by a landmine lessens one's itch while suffering bites from black flies. I'm still in for countless days alone, conversations with people too distant to ever be more than friendly voices, counting and enjoying my many blessings in life in solitude when I'd be ecstatic to be able to share them.
The weather has been somewhat unseasonably warm lately with a few brutal reminders that we're not quite through with cold just yet. I've begun walking to the Dam on my own again. So far, things are working quite well. There's still a sense of uncertainty. I can't really let my guard down and just casually walk the route. However, it has stuck with me more solidly over the Winter break than any route has before. That area with the three gates and Basketball court is still all too easy to get badly turned around in. However, I'm getting better at recovering when this happens provided the GPS is locked in. The Trekker Breeze is doing quite well these days. I just wish there were more places within walking distance worth getting to often enough so the routes would at last stick semi coherently in my head.
I mentioned square pegs earlier. One of the latest I've tried out is a little audio game called Swamp. It's basically a first-person shooter for the blind pitting players against a zombie apocalypse. I finally remembered that I did indeed still have an old optical mouse and thought I'd give the game a spin. It's actually surprisingly addictive. I've always wondered if I'd actually enjoy such games provided they were accessible. Friends would talk about spending hours playing Doom, Quake and such and I just couldn't fathom how they sustained their focus. What kept them coming back? Now, I have an idea of how that works. If your character dies before reaching the safe zone with his or her loot, everything is lost but one's reputation and experience points. You can be walking around with advanced weapons and loads of ammo, get chewed up before making it back to the safe zone, and be forced to start yet again with nothing but an axe and pistol. It's keenly frustrating but you just keep hoping that luck will at last favour the bold and you'll come back with something impressive to donate for increased reputation. It's the old "Next time, things will work out better" pernicious pull that I guess hard-core gamblers must feel even as they sink into inescapable debt. Added to this pull is the very cathartic act of confronting a purely evil threat with the inability to even accidentally harm one's fellow players. It's a game with no real moral complications. You can blast those zombies to bits without any repercussions other than positive ones. Very unrealistic and therefore, most appealing. A clean safe way to blow off stress or anxt provided one has the discipline to stop. That is, in essence, the moral catch.
Complicating things for me is my poor orientation skill. I'm dead serious here. The game takes place in a map of a town with stores, houses, etc to go on scavenging missions in. I find it extremely difficult to keep a good sense of direction even with all the sonic aids. I've been killed numerous times right by the safe zone because I couldn't find the small entrance to it. Even when I remember in my panic that it's on the west side, it's still just a small gap in a solid wall. Buildings are pretty much deathtraps. It's so easy to get hopelessly turned around in them. I have yet to succeed in recovering an item needed for a quest. I keep getting lost and subsequently killed in the narrow confines of building corridors and other tight areas. This game could and should be used by orientation and mobility instructors. Finding my way around is nearly as time-consuming and frustrating as it is for me in real life. The only consolation is that you can just stop and do something else without actually being lost hours away from home. If you could actually hoof it around as quickly as your character with such impunity to muscles and energy, you really would be damned far away when you discovered how woefully lost you had become. And of course, being able to run at full tilt even while packing a minnigun is another power trip in and of itself. While wielding it, you actually have to crouch and brace the gun before firing it. Walking while wielding it does slow you down to a crawl. However, just pull out your axe or some other weapon and you can quickly carry that minnigun to where it needs to be.
Offsetting the navigation frustration is the pull of participating in a community of sorts. You can hear someone getting chewed to bits by a zombie and come to their rescue. Some of the expert players will actually carry on text conversations while on missions. The mouse really does help you move and shoot with more fluidity and precision. I keep hoping that I'll come up lucky and get enough reputation points to get me out of this starting grind and into the larger parts of the game like missions. Alternatively, I keep wondering when the painfully slow progress plus the annoyance of finding my way around will dissuade me from continuing to play at all. I've already seen the better part of two days pretty much vanish on me. Were it not for the fact that I've rearranged cords and items on my desk so that the long-neglected mouse has a home, I'd have to pinch myself to be certain I hadn't dreamed it and that today is, in fact, Thursday already! I haven't spent anywhere near that much time playing King of Dragon Pass yet and it offers far more substance and sense of meaningful accomplishment. How has Swamp just sucked away so much time? Even though I can barely get around, I think it's that sense of there being a community of real people not unlike myself who are engaged in an unreal but nonetheless epic quest for survival. I'm fitting yet another square peg into a round hole and just now coming to grips with what an imperfect fit it is. I dearly wish I could get lost in a real experience, even the relatively ordinary experiences of daily life, with real people on a more regular basis. Most of all though, I wish I could find love with a woman who shared most of my values and at least some of my interests.
Looking at the larger picture, a few news items have caught my interest over the past while. This being the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic's doomed voyage, all sorts of things are happening to commemorate it. An actual ship with passengers has set sail and will follow the Titanic's exact route across the Atlantic. At least one of the people I follow on Twitter is interested enough to have tuned into a feed reenacting the voyage with tweets about events at the times they occurred. There's a kind of creepy fascination that makes me pause for thought whenever I come across one of those. I've been meaning to find out more about how the modern reenacted journey is doing but have yet to get around to that. There's also a large collection of recovered artefacts which may go up for auction. That's sparking quite a controversy over the prospect of profiting from what some see as a grave site. Personally, I'm rather inclined to hope that the stuff of my life, understanding my circumstances and thoughts, etc, is worth bothering with enough so that the stuff of my life doesn't end up lying untouched and unwanted somewhere slowly disintegrating. The mind boggles at the risk and ingenuity needed to recover anything from that depth. Surely, those who have risked everything to recover historically valuable items deserve something for their troubles. Archaeology has rid us of many false conceptions and improved our understanding about where we've all come from.
Apparently, this is also the active season for the large hadron collider so there could be some interesting news coming from that quarter over the next while. Thanks largely to Rose, I'm now far more likely to hear about scientific developments via Twitter than I am anywhere else. I've begun to follow @bigthink, a fountain of large-scale thoughts scientific and otherwise. It's another square peg in a round hole making me feel more connected than I actually am. There have been some wonderful podcasts lately. From Our Own Correspondents is up to its usual quality. Everything from a meeting with a Japanese travelling poet and a Buddhist monk who drives fast and loves progressive rock to reporter's reflections on what it was like to cover the war in Sarajevo twenty years ago. I have vague memories of hearing news about that. It was certainly felt on the erindale Campus where I got my degree. Tapestry has let loose some excellent food for thought. I enjoyed hearing the perspective of an agnostic who, much as I had, made peace with his position of not knowing for certain whether there was a God. There was also an excellent episode which looked at the collision of religion and comedy. Am I forever doomed to hear so much excellent food for stimulating conversation while completely alone? It damned well feels like that's the case.
In order to balance the books, the government is making cuts all over the place. We're going to lose all sorts of people from health workers to food inspectors to border guards and people from the CBC. There's no real stopping this. We voted for this majority government and it can now pretty much do what it pleases. We're going to experience as a country what less of pretty much everything one would really want from a government feels like. I worry that these cuts will go too far and we'll end up with completely preventable tragedy as a consequence. Dad, on the other hand, thinks there's sufficient excess bureaucracy built up everywhere so that there really won't be much impact other than actually better balanced books. Back on election day, I was completely disenchanted with the continual wobbling about our government seemed to be stuck in. Elections kept being called before anything really substantial could get done. I was absolutely disgusted with the degree to which our leaders just couldn't work with each other instead of trying to grab power. Well we're now most definitely headed solidly in the direction of a smaller civil service and government. I hope those who now wield the axes in Ottawa are a heaping lot better at precision waste reduction and job cutting than I am at killing zombies with my digital axe in Swamp. I would have felt a whole lot better had the Liberals carried the day instead of being utterly decimated. Still, it could all work out for the best. the new NDP leader at least sounds good when he talks. We'll see what he can accomplish while leading the official opposition.
Tomorrow, I'll be heading over to Michelle and Gerry's. It's been a little while. Only one computer problem known about in advance effecting Michelle's ability to hear audioboos. At least I've already supplied the material for testing. I don't expect it'll be a very hard nut to crack but I've been wrong before. She's had some interesting and different problems with her computer. Nothing beets that one where the bloody clock wasn't set and therefore, nothing would work since it reported a date around 2005 or so. Her version of Jaws had yet to be written so its security wouldn't let her computer actually talk. Unbelievably simple presuming one can see and read the clock. Utterly insoluble without sighted help/knowledge. I would have suspected everything else first including the sound card. It's always fun to expose both of them to new thoughts and ideas. I always come away feeling like I've done something worth-while. They appreciate my efforts whether or not they're successful and are just all-around good simple folk caught in the interweb age.
I guess that pretty much covers what sticks in the mind from the past while. I've doubtless forgotten to write about some stuff I discussed in my far more frequent boos at:
www.audioboo.fm
I find it a whole lot more natural to just let those loose but will keep trying to update this blog a tad more regularly than I have of late. Until next time, faithful readers.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
A Busy Eventful Winter
Hello everyone. It's been too damned long since I've written one of these. Quite an interesting month in terms of thoughts and actions. Over the past couple of weeks, I experienced a slight illness and dealing with its aftereffects on my sleep. Nothing too serious compared to what I had last year. Just tiredness combined with a slight head ache and stuffed nose. Everything has returned to normal now with the exception of my sleep schedule. There have been some interesting food discoveries lately. In the realm of tea, I've become a staunch supporter and fan of the Stash brand. Stash Chai Spice Black Tea is remarkably good stuff. While contending with my insomnia, I came across a sealed box in the back of my tea shelf and thought I'd see what offered. As soon as I ripped open one of the packages, I knew I had struck gold. This stuff tastes absolutely splendid. The bags are very well stored in packets. I'll definitely be ordering more of this stuff.
Things have gone very well so far this year. The only real fly in the ointment is the lack of any real progress at the Dam. I've sat my hours having hardly said a word to the youths I'm supposed to be relating to. I've just got to keep showing up and hope for opportunities. It's just a very slow business.
A few Sundays ago, I attended both a former neighbour's 40th birthday celebration and my youngest niece's first birthday bash. Each event was excellent in its own way. Danni is someone I've known since my family first moved to Mississauga just before I began secondary school. She's a very interesting lady who just seemed to always move in different circles. We've probably exchanged more words on Twitter than in person. I tend to only see her at family gatherings. Once in a while, we've done stuff together with her friend Jacqui. They wanted to try a restaurant where you eat in the dark. That was certainly an interesting meal as they experienced something perfectly natural for me. Clearly, Danni had no idea what she was in for and was very moved by everyone in attendance of her celebration. We didn't get to chat much but it was still nice to be there, a part of the cast of people whose lives are somehow connected with her. She's certainly a terrific Twitter companion. It gave me cause to reflect on the impact I've had on people and how many are, in one way or another, an ongoing part of the life I lead. My own 40th birthday could very well occasion a similarly diverse gathering of family, friends, believers and non-believers who've been a part of my own journey. Despite all the time I've spent alone over the years, I've really got a lot to be proud of. Still more to be thankful for. I seem to have reached a kind of turning point which could mean that the next three years will see an abundance of new memories made from adventures with others.
Alleah thoroughly enjoyed her first birthday party. This included Felix the Fish, a stuffed toy I was rewarded from Bigfish Games after being a member for a continuous year. Mom has really enjoyed their games over the past few years I've been getting them for her as gifts. I wasn't really certain which of my nieces the fish would prove suitable for until I felt its sise. Apparently, the big mouth on the fish looks friendly enough for her. That was the only slight concern I had as I passed it to her. She seems to really like it though. By far, the biggest highlight was a toy car that she can sit in and beep the horn of. She just loved that thing. Ava and Amia were a tad under the weather but still full of beans. They love dad's iPAD. He's been getting some games for them to play on it. Even Amia's doing quite well because of how intuitive the interface is.
I don't have any memories at all from that early in life. Once in a while, as my old baby and toddler toys have been passed on, I've felt some that have seemed extra familiar to me. I remember some squeezable rubber dice I used to have. I also distinctly remember a ball of shapes where you put the shapes into the correct holes. However, I can't actually remember playing with these objects. Just what they felt like. It's hard to really sort out where in early life that curtain falls away and actual ordered memories commence. I remember my first day at W. Ross McDonald School for the Blind. Further back, I remember a day in kinder garden when a bulletin board fell on me. I don't remember anything else surrounding that point in time, just the instant of the board hitting me unexpectedly. I remember getting my toncels out and being in the hospital with a damnably sore throat. It seems like very soon after that came our family's trip to Disney World. I can't remember anything about the time in between those events. I wonder what Alleah will remember when she's my age. Does sight provide enough of an additional layer of experience that memory of the distant past remains less fragmented? I can't help but wonder how much of this time will remain coherent in my memory thirty years or so from now. This past year and a half in particular has been a very formative time. And then there's the sweep of exhilaration, of the canvasses of relationship and of work on Enchantment's Twilight. There's suddenly so much scope for meaningful exploration. Add to that the church community and the interesting places, both mental and physical, that it has taken me to. Without the aid of my blog and audio recordings, how much of what I feel now will I be able to recall later?
I've had a major breakthrough with Enchantment's Twilight thanks to my friend Rose who attends the same church as I do. I was telling her about one of the better ideas for a special location on the island that I had come up with. That lead to a discussion which resulted in her giving me a foundational idea for a nifty magic system I can use in my game. Been stuck without such an idea for ages. It combines neatly with the geography of the island so I'm now working on both areas of the game simultaneously. There's a massive amount to be worked out and detailed. It's going to take months if not the rest of the year. This opens up a whole ton. My original thinking was that as the geography and other pieces like the magic system developed, they in turn would generate story, character and other ideas. As place and resource details emerged, they would give rise to thoughts on characters, cultures, how items both magic and mundane were crafted or found, etc. Eventually, a kind of creative critical mass would be reached and it would no longer be the losing battle it has previously been to make real progress. Over the past while of no real progress, I had begun to lose faith that this would ever happen. Thanks to what was essentially a five minute conversation, the way forward has been at least partially revealed to me. More importantly, my morale and faith in what fragments of my original thinking I can still lay hands on has been restored to me. No more writer's block for a good while. That's for certain. No sooner had I written an article for my church newsletter in which I entertained the suspicion that my friends would prove the salvation of Enchantment's Twilight when it has actually started to happen. All my reading, studying other game conceptions of magic, etc, and it's a five minute conversation that finally undoes the roadblock. Who'd have thunk? What a profound start to the year.
I've been helping Rose explore the online world with her new iPAD. So far, things have gone quite well. She's currently enjoying Twitter and has started following people including some of my friends and I. Quite quickly, she's finding her online voice and learning how conversation happens. I've no doubt that she'll soon have lots more followers as more of her interests are put forth online. Skype has been especially useful to Rose since she can't afford a good phone plan. Using it, she can make unlimited calls anywhere in North America for a flat rate of around $3.95 per month. I subscribe to this myself so as not to use up minutes during the days or in case I neat to make a long distance call. It's certainly a convenience and peace of mind for me. For her, it's been a lot more life-changing. It's very exciting to see how the same sort of connectivity society has afforded me is now at last benefiting her. She's very much enjoying Twitter and digs up all sorts of interesting science links among many others.
I'm very happy to be finding some female friends who'll always be just friends. It gives a greater balance and depth to one's life and perspective. Also, if I want to have a hope in hell of creating convincing female characters, I'd better have some actual examples in real life to work with. Age aside, there are a number of reasons why Rose and I just wouldn't make a good couple. We're on two different tracks in many ways. However, I think our lengthy conversations have certainly added to the richness of my life. She seems to feel the same way about me. Haven't gotten around to putting up my dating profiles again yet. As life continues here, I find that the kind of woman I'm after has somewhat narrowed down given recent experience and time to reflect. Therefore, I'm still working out precisely what I want my profile to focus on in greater and lesser detail. It feels like I've reached a point where further drastic change is unlikely over the short term so it's worth doing all the updating. Cut once and measure twice as they say. I always get a painfully self-conscious feeling when I work on my dating profiles. The longer I can leave them unchanged, the better I like it.
Cheerfulness, mental stability, and good conversational ability are things that I really can't compromise on. Increasingly, I'm coming to the conclusion that spirituality and faith similarity is another vital thing to have in common. Some people say that opposites are good for each other since they tend to balance each other's extremes. I agree entirely with this on the level of friendship. If you go beyond that, what happens is that the constant exposure grinds at both of you and wrecks even the friendship you've achieved. It's an endless power struggle. There's no just backing off and getting it done the way you think it ought to be when you've made the commitment to be a couple. If you're just friends, each of you still has sole control of your lives and convincing each other that you're right about things doesn't come with the same level of threat to one's identity. You still want to convince friends that you're right, or at least that your approach has merit. However, the stakes aren't nearly as high.
My faith is emphatically not just the equivalent of a hobby. It's a profound life journey whose implications reach deeper than I'm probably even aware of. It forces me to face truths which aren't always very flattering about myself and wrestle with hard questions. I've been fortunate enough to find a community church of people who understand that journey since they're on their own similarly directed ones. As a non-believer, I really couldn't understand why there was this prejudicial barrier up between romantic involvement of Christians with non-Christians. As I've settled into this community and grown in my faith, the reasons for such cautions have become less antagonistic and more clear. I understand where it comes from now. If you've never seriously looked into what being a Christian is all about, you just can't grasp the depth of interplay between belief and community belonging which takes place over time. It goes so much farther beyond whether one attends church regularly. One's relationship with God reaches into all other relationships and spheres of life. It has given my life purpose and meaning where no other community or part of secular society has. I'm respected and encouraged to be who I am. There's room for a great deal of diversity and difference in God's kingdom and communities provided that one agrees with some basic pennants.
It's not that I think Christians are better than other people. We act poorly towards others, don't always practice what we preach, and have some horrific chapters in our history which rival those of any other societal group I've come across. However, I honestly believe that Christianity presents us with a life path which compels us to grow into better people if the bible is actively thought about and not just flatly accepted. It's not a one-sise-fits-all thing. Although I feel very comfortable within the denomination and church I've adopted, that doesn't mean that they're the only ones who really understand God's truth and sincerely try to follow what the bible teaches as they see it. My particular focus and interpretations seem very right to me. Right enough that I'll conduct my life in accordance with it and face whatever consequences there are for that both here and in the afterlife. In the here and now, one result is a limitation of scope when it comes to romantic possibilities. Church has become a real pillar of my life. It's something I never would have believed was possible in my agnostic days. That pillar ought not to be a wall between the life experiences of my hoped-for partner and I. It should be a major shared aspect of life. Not having this be the case is simply bound to lead to friction and a lessening of potential for both me and a would-be partner who didn't share my core beliefs. To be at my best, I need a high degree of overall stability at the core of my life. I'm after maximum depth with minimal needless drama. It behoves me to really be certain that we're enough on the same page that disagreements won't wreck how we live as a couple.
Last Saturday was terrific. I felt absolutely fantabulous and basically chose to enjoy the day rather than write. I had a couple of great chats on Skype, some excellent Twitter time with my followers, and also listened to a couple of great shows from CBC Radio1. I caught DNTO live. It was all about enemies and was, in my judgement, one of the more profound episodes they've ever done. There are some truly incredible people out there. I heard from a black author who decided he had to try and understand the Ku Klux Clan and ended up befriending some of its members. That took incredible guts. There were other people who've really looked out from their entrenched positions and found commonality. The big thing was to let things actually get personal and know each other as actual people. That's certainly in keeping with my own experience. I also heard Under the Influence. It was the first of a two-part look at Steve Jobs. Very fascinating. I can't wait for the second part to become available. Dinner with mom and dad was great as always.
Spending a day with Carine and Kevin recently was a very welcome break from the norm. It was good to catch up with them again. We had a splendid breakfast at Kora's and panzerotis for dinner. They had a very hi per but friendly guest dog with them in addition to Breeze, Carine's dog. We watched a show called The Voice. Can't say that one was a favourite but it was probably the most interesting choice on by that point. Prior to that, we all enjoyed a few episodes of Cash Cab on Discovery Channel. That makes for a nifty show to appreciate with others of a more intellectual bent. You see how the group in the cab handle the questions and choices available. I wish Myth busters had been on after that. Can't go wrong with that show.
At last, I've moved beyond my contract with Rogers and have modified the TV part to be more in line with what I actually enjoy. The extra channels have been nice to have over the past couple of years. However, I simply don't need all that. As long as I get my Discovery and History channels along with news and the occasional show of interest, I'm quite contented. I don't know that I'd be willing to ditch TV entirely. However, I have far better use for the $20 or so per month that this change frees up. Would have done it as much as a year ago had my contract permitted me to.
It's Saturday morning now. I've just heard the second episode of the Under the Influence look at Steve Jobs. Terry did an excellent job although I was hoping for more in site into the Apple re tale stores. It's a reasonable time in the morning for once. A little before eight versus the more lately typical well before five. I think I'm finally coming out of this round of illness-triggered insomnia. I hope to get together with Adam later today for a nice gaming cession. Would have gone yesterday had I been at all confident of not conking out. We've been playing more of Dokupon Kingdom which is a very intriguing combination rpg and board game. Thankfully, I took advantage of my voicememmo app on the iPHONE to record a brief outline of what we were up to so we can continue previously laid plans. It's yet another game I wish were fully accessible. As honest a guy as Adam is, there's just something unnatural about having an opponent handle the controls and describe one's options. There's so much randomness in the game that it rarely becomes at all an issue. It's something both of us can actually enjoy together.
I've really got to change my blogging style and try to make more timely shorter entries about specific events. Too much is starting to slip through the cracks now that more is actually happening to me on a continuous basis. I've tried to sign up to the new music service offered by CBC at
www.cbcmusic.ca
However, the audio captia isn't accepting what I type in as correct. Very frustrating. I've therefore fallen back to Radio Rivendell which makes for excellent accompaniment to my blogging. You can check them out at
www.radiorivendell.com
One thing that went very well was a visit from my church youth group. I had them over to my apartment and things went quite well. I showed them Super Egg Hunt which a number of them tried. They did fairly well once they closed their eyes. We also had some very good discussion and I showed them the Amazing Drive through Singer video which they enjoyed. It was nice to feel like I contributed to the evening. The circumstances simply lent themselves to that so much more than at the Dam during drop in time.
We're celebrating mom's birthday on Sunday with friends and family. That'll certainly make for a nice full day when combined with church. Just finished acquiring her present this year. I think she'll enjoy what I've picked out. Looking ahead into March, I'm in for another interesting month. My grandmother is coming for a visit. I've also got a visit with Michelle and Gerry where I'll also meet Liz Lawson, a presenter on Mushroom FM whose musical selections I've found enjoyable for the most part. I would predict that things will slow down come mid March if I hadn't just lived through such a very active last couple of months. I have no reason to doubt that things will just keep popping up to make life interesting. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Things have gone very well so far this year. The only real fly in the ointment is the lack of any real progress at the Dam. I've sat my hours having hardly said a word to the youths I'm supposed to be relating to. I've just got to keep showing up and hope for opportunities. It's just a very slow business.
A few Sundays ago, I attended both a former neighbour's 40th birthday celebration and my youngest niece's first birthday bash. Each event was excellent in its own way. Danni is someone I've known since my family first moved to Mississauga just before I began secondary school. She's a very interesting lady who just seemed to always move in different circles. We've probably exchanged more words on Twitter than in person. I tend to only see her at family gatherings. Once in a while, we've done stuff together with her friend Jacqui. They wanted to try a restaurant where you eat in the dark. That was certainly an interesting meal as they experienced something perfectly natural for me. Clearly, Danni had no idea what she was in for and was very moved by everyone in attendance of her celebration. We didn't get to chat much but it was still nice to be there, a part of the cast of people whose lives are somehow connected with her. She's certainly a terrific Twitter companion. It gave me cause to reflect on the impact I've had on people and how many are, in one way or another, an ongoing part of the life I lead. My own 40th birthday could very well occasion a similarly diverse gathering of family, friends, believers and non-believers who've been a part of my own journey. Despite all the time I've spent alone over the years, I've really got a lot to be proud of. Still more to be thankful for. I seem to have reached a kind of turning point which could mean that the next three years will see an abundance of new memories made from adventures with others.
Alleah thoroughly enjoyed her first birthday party. This included Felix the Fish, a stuffed toy I was rewarded from Bigfish Games after being a member for a continuous year. Mom has really enjoyed their games over the past few years I've been getting them for her as gifts. I wasn't really certain which of my nieces the fish would prove suitable for until I felt its sise. Apparently, the big mouth on the fish looks friendly enough for her. That was the only slight concern I had as I passed it to her. She seems to really like it though. By far, the biggest highlight was a toy car that she can sit in and beep the horn of. She just loved that thing. Ava and Amia were a tad under the weather but still full of beans. They love dad's iPAD. He's been getting some games for them to play on it. Even Amia's doing quite well because of how intuitive the interface is.
I don't have any memories at all from that early in life. Once in a while, as my old baby and toddler toys have been passed on, I've felt some that have seemed extra familiar to me. I remember some squeezable rubber dice I used to have. I also distinctly remember a ball of shapes where you put the shapes into the correct holes. However, I can't actually remember playing with these objects. Just what they felt like. It's hard to really sort out where in early life that curtain falls away and actual ordered memories commence. I remember my first day at W. Ross McDonald School for the Blind. Further back, I remember a day in kinder garden when a bulletin board fell on me. I don't remember anything else surrounding that point in time, just the instant of the board hitting me unexpectedly. I remember getting my toncels out and being in the hospital with a damnably sore throat. It seems like very soon after that came our family's trip to Disney World. I can't remember anything about the time in between those events. I wonder what Alleah will remember when she's my age. Does sight provide enough of an additional layer of experience that memory of the distant past remains less fragmented? I can't help but wonder how much of this time will remain coherent in my memory thirty years or so from now. This past year and a half in particular has been a very formative time. And then there's the sweep of exhilaration, of the canvasses of relationship and of work on Enchantment's Twilight. There's suddenly so much scope for meaningful exploration. Add to that the church community and the interesting places, both mental and physical, that it has taken me to. Without the aid of my blog and audio recordings, how much of what I feel now will I be able to recall later?
I've had a major breakthrough with Enchantment's Twilight thanks to my friend Rose who attends the same church as I do. I was telling her about one of the better ideas for a special location on the island that I had come up with. That lead to a discussion which resulted in her giving me a foundational idea for a nifty magic system I can use in my game. Been stuck without such an idea for ages. It combines neatly with the geography of the island so I'm now working on both areas of the game simultaneously. There's a massive amount to be worked out and detailed. It's going to take months if not the rest of the year. This opens up a whole ton. My original thinking was that as the geography and other pieces like the magic system developed, they in turn would generate story, character and other ideas. As place and resource details emerged, they would give rise to thoughts on characters, cultures, how items both magic and mundane were crafted or found, etc. Eventually, a kind of creative critical mass would be reached and it would no longer be the losing battle it has previously been to make real progress. Over the past while of no real progress, I had begun to lose faith that this would ever happen. Thanks to what was essentially a five minute conversation, the way forward has been at least partially revealed to me. More importantly, my morale and faith in what fragments of my original thinking I can still lay hands on has been restored to me. No more writer's block for a good while. That's for certain. No sooner had I written an article for my church newsletter in which I entertained the suspicion that my friends would prove the salvation of Enchantment's Twilight when it has actually started to happen. All my reading, studying other game conceptions of magic, etc, and it's a five minute conversation that finally undoes the roadblock. Who'd have thunk? What a profound start to the year.
I've been helping Rose explore the online world with her new iPAD. So far, things have gone quite well. She's currently enjoying Twitter and has started following people including some of my friends and I. Quite quickly, she's finding her online voice and learning how conversation happens. I've no doubt that she'll soon have lots more followers as more of her interests are put forth online. Skype has been especially useful to Rose since she can't afford a good phone plan. Using it, she can make unlimited calls anywhere in North America for a flat rate of around $3.95 per month. I subscribe to this myself so as not to use up minutes during the days or in case I neat to make a long distance call. It's certainly a convenience and peace of mind for me. For her, it's been a lot more life-changing. It's very exciting to see how the same sort of connectivity society has afforded me is now at last benefiting her. She's very much enjoying Twitter and digs up all sorts of interesting science links among many others.
I'm very happy to be finding some female friends who'll always be just friends. It gives a greater balance and depth to one's life and perspective. Also, if I want to have a hope in hell of creating convincing female characters, I'd better have some actual examples in real life to work with. Age aside, there are a number of reasons why Rose and I just wouldn't make a good couple. We're on two different tracks in many ways. However, I think our lengthy conversations have certainly added to the richness of my life. She seems to feel the same way about me. Haven't gotten around to putting up my dating profiles again yet. As life continues here, I find that the kind of woman I'm after has somewhat narrowed down given recent experience and time to reflect. Therefore, I'm still working out precisely what I want my profile to focus on in greater and lesser detail. It feels like I've reached a point where further drastic change is unlikely over the short term so it's worth doing all the updating. Cut once and measure twice as they say. I always get a painfully self-conscious feeling when I work on my dating profiles. The longer I can leave them unchanged, the better I like it.
Cheerfulness, mental stability, and good conversational ability are things that I really can't compromise on. Increasingly, I'm coming to the conclusion that spirituality and faith similarity is another vital thing to have in common. Some people say that opposites are good for each other since they tend to balance each other's extremes. I agree entirely with this on the level of friendship. If you go beyond that, what happens is that the constant exposure grinds at both of you and wrecks even the friendship you've achieved. It's an endless power struggle. There's no just backing off and getting it done the way you think it ought to be when you've made the commitment to be a couple. If you're just friends, each of you still has sole control of your lives and convincing each other that you're right about things doesn't come with the same level of threat to one's identity. You still want to convince friends that you're right, or at least that your approach has merit. However, the stakes aren't nearly as high.
My faith is emphatically not just the equivalent of a hobby. It's a profound life journey whose implications reach deeper than I'm probably even aware of. It forces me to face truths which aren't always very flattering about myself and wrestle with hard questions. I've been fortunate enough to find a community church of people who understand that journey since they're on their own similarly directed ones. As a non-believer, I really couldn't understand why there was this prejudicial barrier up between romantic involvement of Christians with non-Christians. As I've settled into this community and grown in my faith, the reasons for such cautions have become less antagonistic and more clear. I understand where it comes from now. If you've never seriously looked into what being a Christian is all about, you just can't grasp the depth of interplay between belief and community belonging which takes place over time. It goes so much farther beyond whether one attends church regularly. One's relationship with God reaches into all other relationships and spheres of life. It has given my life purpose and meaning where no other community or part of secular society has. I'm respected and encouraged to be who I am. There's room for a great deal of diversity and difference in God's kingdom and communities provided that one agrees with some basic pennants.
It's not that I think Christians are better than other people. We act poorly towards others, don't always practice what we preach, and have some horrific chapters in our history which rival those of any other societal group I've come across. However, I honestly believe that Christianity presents us with a life path which compels us to grow into better people if the bible is actively thought about and not just flatly accepted. It's not a one-sise-fits-all thing. Although I feel very comfortable within the denomination and church I've adopted, that doesn't mean that they're the only ones who really understand God's truth and sincerely try to follow what the bible teaches as they see it. My particular focus and interpretations seem very right to me. Right enough that I'll conduct my life in accordance with it and face whatever consequences there are for that both here and in the afterlife. In the here and now, one result is a limitation of scope when it comes to romantic possibilities. Church has become a real pillar of my life. It's something I never would have believed was possible in my agnostic days. That pillar ought not to be a wall between the life experiences of my hoped-for partner and I. It should be a major shared aspect of life. Not having this be the case is simply bound to lead to friction and a lessening of potential for both me and a would-be partner who didn't share my core beliefs. To be at my best, I need a high degree of overall stability at the core of my life. I'm after maximum depth with minimal needless drama. It behoves me to really be certain that we're enough on the same page that disagreements won't wreck how we live as a couple.
Last Saturday was terrific. I felt absolutely fantabulous and basically chose to enjoy the day rather than write. I had a couple of great chats on Skype, some excellent Twitter time with my followers, and also listened to a couple of great shows from CBC Radio1. I caught DNTO live. It was all about enemies and was, in my judgement, one of the more profound episodes they've ever done. There are some truly incredible people out there. I heard from a black author who decided he had to try and understand the Ku Klux Clan and ended up befriending some of its members. That took incredible guts. There were other people who've really looked out from their entrenched positions and found commonality. The big thing was to let things actually get personal and know each other as actual people. That's certainly in keeping with my own experience. I also heard Under the Influence. It was the first of a two-part look at Steve Jobs. Very fascinating. I can't wait for the second part to become available. Dinner with mom and dad was great as always.
Spending a day with Carine and Kevin recently was a very welcome break from the norm. It was good to catch up with them again. We had a splendid breakfast at Kora's and panzerotis for dinner. They had a very hi per but friendly guest dog with them in addition to Breeze, Carine's dog. We watched a show called The Voice. Can't say that one was a favourite but it was probably the most interesting choice on by that point. Prior to that, we all enjoyed a few episodes of Cash Cab on Discovery Channel. That makes for a nifty show to appreciate with others of a more intellectual bent. You see how the group in the cab handle the questions and choices available. I wish Myth busters had been on after that. Can't go wrong with that show.
At last, I've moved beyond my contract with Rogers and have modified the TV part to be more in line with what I actually enjoy. The extra channels have been nice to have over the past couple of years. However, I simply don't need all that. As long as I get my Discovery and History channels along with news and the occasional show of interest, I'm quite contented. I don't know that I'd be willing to ditch TV entirely. However, I have far better use for the $20 or so per month that this change frees up. Would have done it as much as a year ago had my contract permitted me to.
It's Saturday morning now. I've just heard the second episode of the Under the Influence look at Steve Jobs. Terry did an excellent job although I was hoping for more in site into the Apple re tale stores. It's a reasonable time in the morning for once. A little before eight versus the more lately typical well before five. I think I'm finally coming out of this round of illness-triggered insomnia. I hope to get together with Adam later today for a nice gaming cession. Would have gone yesterday had I been at all confident of not conking out. We've been playing more of Dokupon Kingdom which is a very intriguing combination rpg and board game. Thankfully, I took advantage of my voicememmo app on the iPHONE to record a brief outline of what we were up to so we can continue previously laid plans. It's yet another game I wish were fully accessible. As honest a guy as Adam is, there's just something unnatural about having an opponent handle the controls and describe one's options. There's so much randomness in the game that it rarely becomes at all an issue. It's something both of us can actually enjoy together.
I've really got to change my blogging style and try to make more timely shorter entries about specific events. Too much is starting to slip through the cracks now that more is actually happening to me on a continuous basis. I've tried to sign up to the new music service offered by CBC at
www.cbcmusic.ca
However, the audio captia isn't accepting what I type in as correct. Very frustrating. I've therefore fallen back to Radio Rivendell which makes for excellent accompaniment to my blogging. You can check them out at
www.radiorivendell.com
One thing that went very well was a visit from my church youth group. I had them over to my apartment and things went quite well. I showed them Super Egg Hunt which a number of them tried. They did fairly well once they closed their eyes. We also had some very good discussion and I showed them the Amazing Drive through Singer video which they enjoyed. It was nice to feel like I contributed to the evening. The circumstances simply lent themselves to that so much more than at the Dam during drop in time.
We're celebrating mom's birthday on Sunday with friends and family. That'll certainly make for a nice full day when combined with church. Just finished acquiring her present this year. I think she'll enjoy what I've picked out. Looking ahead into March, I'm in for another interesting month. My grandmother is coming for a visit. I've also got a visit with Michelle and Gerry where I'll also meet Liz Lawson, a presenter on Mushroom FM whose musical selections I've found enjoyable for the most part. I would predict that things will slow down come mid March if I hadn't just lived through such a very active last couple of months. I have no reason to doubt that things will just keep popping up to make life interesting. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
And Then There Was One
Hello everyone. As I begin this doubtless long entry, it's monday morning. It's been an interesting and mainly pleasant last while. This is despite my decision to break off my relationship with Janet last night. That wasn't pleasant at all but could have gone far worse considering my complete inexperience in being the one to decide to end a relationship. It simply became more obvious as we continued to talk via Skype that she just wasn't the right match for me. I found that our conversations were getting shorter and shorter. I thought I could live with that in a partner but have come to realize that this is one area where I frankly can't compromise in as much as I thought I could. When you have more substantial conversations with even newly found friends than you do with a significant other, it's definitely a warning sign of dissatisfaction down the road. Over the past while, the glow of at last finding someone who was actually interested in me was increasingly overridden by doubts about our suitability for each other. Actually going to see each other would be prohibitively expensive given our similar financial situations. One of the real dangers of such long distance relationships is that over time, the chemistry just fades away. I've experienced all of that now. While I could have hung in there out of the thinking that I might never find a more ideal partner, this would have been dishonest of me. I no longer felt love for her above the esteem and affection I have for a good friend and had to set things right. I've been passed up by enough people to know precisely how painful it can be.
This is the first time that I've been the one to break off a relationship. Both Rebecca and Janene decided that they no longer wished to be with me. I can't say that it's a very enjoyable experience being a dumper. One has to face some pretty ugly truths about the limits of lasting worldly love. I thought myself capable of living happily with pretty much anybody who truly loved and respected me. That just isn't the case though. Whoever I end up with simply has to have good conversation and communication skills and also share some similar interests or there just isn't going to be enough common experience to keep things going. She took it remarkably well. I think she had the sense that things had changed. For all my intelligence, I had absolutely no inkling that Janene was about to ditch me like she did that Easter Monday which feels like forever ago now. It looks like Janet and I will remain friends while each of us looks for a relationship to pursue hopefully somewhat closer to home as well as to the kind of partner we're each best suited for. Because she's approached her life in much the same manner in terms of values, she has built up a real place for herself in her community much as I've at last begun to here. She has become a very welcome, reliable and needed friend to many people there. It just doesn't feel right asking her to step away from all that before life circumstances otherwise force her to move on. This is particularly true in the case of her best friend Lori. Janet adds tremendously to the scope and possibilities of her life. She's quite a bit more child-like than Janet in terms of mental capability and must also come to terms with losing her sight. In both her and Janet's case, I find it far too easy to take a kind of friendly stance which veered dangerously toward the more fatherly stance Gandalf had towards the hobbits. Perhaps, that's what Janet wants or even needs in a partner. That's for her to determine. For me, it's very important that I'm with a lady who doesn't evoke such feelings. We've got to be equals. Unfortunately, when it comes to intelligence, I'm faced with the reality that most women I'd take an interest in simply wouldn't be interested in me. Most of them anywhere near my age are already spoken for or are hooked too deeply into our society's need for material wealth to even give five minutes to a permanently unemployed guy on an overly ambitious creative quest. While I could now at least offer a safe and secure home to a life partner who's in a similar financial situation to mine, that's all I can bring to the table outside of my own reasonable outlook, optimism, patience, easygoing nature and good character. These assets have certainly gained me a number of good friends and despite everything, I still find myself hopeful of eventually finding someone who proves to be a better fit for me and wants to take things further. There are plenty of other circumstances which place people on ODSP or outside what passes for normal life. Certainly, I've met people with other mental deficiencies whose ability to converse and basic good cheer were unimpaired. However, especially if I'm going to do the long-distance relationship thing again, it's pretty vital that conversations be stimulating and that we have more common ground regarding interests than I did with Janet. Sadly, a similar moral outlook and religion just isn't enough. It sounds so damned shamefully elitist, but it is nonetheless true for me.
I guess I've come away from this knowing more about my own real desires for a life partner as well as my own limitations when it comes to what I'd be willing to settle for. Good conversation is more of a must for me than I thought. Having been dumped twice, I've never really looked at that aspect of myself so clearly before. Like everyone else, I too have hopes and dreams that I'm unwilling to part with. It's an ugly truth to find that someone who you like, respect and admire lacks what your sustained worldly love requires. At last, I believe I can truly better forgive Janene for walking away from our engagement. Was it the prospect of having to earn all the income unless or until I came up with something creative which I could sell? Was it all the art she did which I would never see and could therefore not appreciate? I guess I'll never know. Whatever it was, I now have a greater understanding of the pain she went through even as she utterly devastated me to the point where I nearly attempted suicide. We took things too far to avoid that indescribable pain. Thankfully, due to that distance between Janet and I, neither of us were hurt badly. Both of our lives have been pleasantly added to. I needed and craved that sense of being wanted by a woman as more than a friend, of no longer being alone in life in that way. Through finding Janet, I've come to better appreciate the friends I have who now include her. Paradoxically, despite this experience clearly showing that my range of possibilities for stable life partnership is more constrained by my own requirements than I would have thought, I find that I have more hope of eventually finding a better match. I at least have the fortitude and sense to act if things don't feel right. Janet has proved to me that there actually are women out there who might find me worth exploring possibilities with. I'm not quite in a completely hopeless situation. Realistically though, I know my wait will most likely be a long one. Until a woman who meets my criteria comes along though, I simply have to keep hopeful, happy and patient. I'm also comforted that I haven't become so jaded that I'm completely beyond being swept into something. I'm still human after all. Exploring love's possibilities always comes with a cost. Compared to my last two serious relationships, I've gotten off remarkably lightly this time. I hope Janet eventually finds someone who has the resources and approach to give her a good and happy life companionship. I of all people know well the frustration of being overlooked due to a disability. The temptation to jump at any opportunity for love no matter how unsuitable or likely to last can probably only be understood by people in a similar situation.
For the record, here are my current known criteria for an ideal life partner:
1. She must be able to engage in deep and meaningful conversation. Words and ideas are at the very core of my life and my significant other needs to have the ability to communicate and explore such things at least as much as my friends do. She needs to be able to communicate her thoughts and argue her case well enough so I don't feel in danger of railroading her thinking. I don't care particularly that she have a formal education equivalent to my own. I've frankly met secondary school dropouts who have taught themselves as much or more than some of us with degrees have ever learned about the nature of real life. The desire and capability to explore ideas and discuss rationally are what I'm after here.
2. Over the years, my faith has become more a part of life. I don't think I could entertain the possibility of marrying someone who doesn't share at least a healthy respect for my religious convictions. I'd very much prefer to find someone who would enjoy going to church together as a couple. It's become an important enough part of my own life that I'd like to share it. It should be something which draws us closer rather than separates us. That blocks not only non-Christians who want no part of church, but also blocks the more extreme kinds of Christians who think poorly of all non-believers, reject modern life utterly, frown on anything not mentioned in the bible, jump to idiotic conclusions about modern culture/art, or think the world's nearly at an end and it's about damned time too. I try to find the good in games, movies, music, people, and life in general and want a lady who will enjoy these things with me. It's still not completely outside the realm of possibility that I would come to love and marry someone of a different faith or an agnostic. After all, had Rebecca not fallen in love with me despite my agnosticism at the time, I wouldn't likely be a Christian today. All things being equal though, I would far rather find someone of similar core beliefs.
3. She should fit in well with family and friends. A serious relationship is a package deal. There's no getting around that. I need to find someone who can partake in activities and get along with my family and friends. Someone who feels uncomfortable or begrudges having to go to family functions ought to look elsewhere for companionship. Mine have supported me through a lot of the worst times in my life. I simply won't hook up with someone who has no use or respect for them. While it's still possible that I might be convinced by a partner to move away to somewhere new, I'd really have to be sold on the idea. If we did, my friends would have to be welcome to visit and I'd expect us to go from time to time to visit them as economics and life reasonably permitted. People get into all kinds of trouble when they allow someone else to remove them from their support network and cut them off. I would never do that to a life partner and won't allow that to happen to me.
4. She must be able to respect how I've lived my life. Instead of banging my head on the brick wall barring job access for people with my disability and particular gifts, I've chosen to take advantage of the economic security and place society has offered me. Were the opportunity presented to me, I would cheerfully work for my living. However, despite sustained attempts supported by a government agency, I simply can't find my way into the labour force. I've therefore made my peace with that reality to the best of my ability and chosen to find alternate means for contributing to the good of others while still enjoying life and keeping cheerful. It hasn't been a short or easy journey. Should my circumstances change dramatically, I would absolutely be willing to work in order to support a married life, help keep a business run by a spouse afloat, etc. Under these rules and circumstances, however, I've figured out that I'll end up feeling far happier, contributing more, and feeling more productive doing what I'm doing. Should opportunities come up, I'd cheerfully volunteer three days a week just to be more a part of the community and feel more productive. Just get me there and back safely. If you can't get your head around that and respect my voluntary efforts to contribute to a society which can't see its way to rewarding me financially, you have no business getting serious with me. Respect has to be a two-way thing right from the start. I've got a hard-working family plus a lot of fully employed friends who have managed to make that leap. I'll stand for nothing less from a potential partner. Rebecca had no respect for what I did voluntarily and thought I should do nothing productive or contributive towards society if I wasn't going to get paid for it. I'll never stand for such a situation again. We're not going to last long if you can't see beyond the world of dollars and cents. Even if I at last find a way into the labour force through some miracle or other, I don't plan on turning away from the projects I've started.
5. I've learned what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket. I did that too much with Janene thinking that we'd be starting life together in a new place and everything would therefore be different. I would have gone with her absolutely anywhere and had no reason at all not to fully trust her. My friends and family were ready and committed to supporting her also and were as shocked as I when she suddenly pulled my less lonely future out from beneath me. None of those people have a true sense of what that put me through despite their best intentions and efforts. I intend to make certain that from now on, there's always enough of life not dependent on a relationship that I never go through such a long vicious downward slide again. That was just too painful and doubtless more rough on those closest to me than I fully realize. In other words, there's going to be more to my life than our relationship. Deal with it or get lost.
6. She needs to have a basically optimistic and cheerful appreciation of life and of people in general. Five years is long enough to have spent walking on eggshells and doing damage control. One thing I really admire about Janet was such a positive attitude despite the rejection she has faced in life. It really hurts me to now have to count myself as part of that rejection. However, if she didn't have that basically cheerful good attitude, I never would have explored more serious possibilities with her in the first place. Especially when you live on something like disability support, the benefits of such a fair-minded, level, patient and positive approach to people are incalculable. People who focus all their energy on society's shortcomings and discount their blessings aren't doing any of us any favours. I'm no longer a member of the ODSP Fireside list. It has some very useful information and clear-headded considerate people on it. However, far too many of its members simply spend all their time bitching and complaining. I can't be part of a group stacked so heavily in that direction and refuse utterly to be with a partner who can't find reason for happiness in life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I'm angry and plenty of reasons for anger and bitterness in this crazy world. However, spending all your time angry just pushes people away from you and eats you up inside. I've been as far down that particular road to destruction as I ever want to go. An ideal woman for me must be able to see the bright side of life most of the time.
7. She needs to enjoy touching and physical affection. That's certainly something I want to experience from a lover again in life at some point. I saved it for last because it's only really meaningful after the rest of my criteria have been established and we've built up the appropriate level of trust, respect and genuine love we can have confidence is going to last. I'd rather have no relationship at all than go through another one which simply can't last due to improper construction. I was quite willing to go through the rest of life without sex had the rest of Rebecca and my marriage been at all salvageable. I felt that this was a part of honouring the commitment I had made. Even in marriage, sex should never be considered an absolute right. That kind of intimacy is a precious gift. Personal space should always be respected. However, if you don't appreciate physical affection, you really ought not to fall in love with a blind man to begin with.
That covers the basics pretty well I think. There's certainly a little wiggle room on these but not a whole lot. Due to the happiness I've found here over the past while, I'm strong enough to get out of what isn't working for me. Hopefully, I'm also strong and kindly enough to do so without hurting anybody too badly. I'd really prefer it if my own happiness in a relationship didn't come at someone else's expense. It should be all about building up hope and possibility for each other and for those whose lives intersect ours. Perhaps, in this self-centred world, that makes me too much of an idealist. I've heard it all before. I just can't make myself believe that this is such a fallen world that quantity is the only way to go in the love department. Women are simply worth more respect than that. Even if that weren't the case, our consciences, our very souls are worth infinitely more respect than that. I dearly hope and wish to find a life partner who I can experience stable growing married love with. Not, however, at any cost. For me, there are things I won't stoop to and things I refuse to give up. If that condemns me to singledom from here on out, so be it. Thankfully, God has blessed me with the ability to patiently hope that this isn't the case. I'll keep open to realistic possibilities. I'm making new connections and new friends these days. There's a whole lot more cause for hope than before this Summer.
This Autumn hasn't been devoid of activity either. I've had a remarkable Thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday, I was contacted about a text book for game designers which I had bought and found to be largely inaccessible due to restrictions placed on the pdf file. To my surprise, the author himself contacted me. It was terrific to hear from him. He was very encouraging. Through his efforts, I obtained a copy of the book which I'm able to easily move through and read. Nothing forced him to go to bat for me, a complete stranger. However, he found enough kindness and faith in me to do so. I've plunged into his book a fair way since then and dearly wish it had been one of the first ones I came across. It's great in that it provides a good overall order in which to do things. I've never really had that and will benefit in many ways from his experience and thoughtfulness. Anybody who is seriously planning to design a game would do well to get Fundamentals of Game Design 2nd edition by Ernest Adams. It's geared towards computer and video games but what he says easily applies to other kinds of games including what I'm trying to create. The other very helpful book was one I found on www.audible.com called Reality is Broken Why Games Make us Better and How They can Change the World by Jane McGonigal. The psychological in sites she provides will serve my project quite well also. I have a whole lot to read, learn, and think about over this Winter. I also have a somewhat better sense of the scope of what I'm trying to do. Even the design document and process is going to take at least another year and possibly two. It's so important to get things nailed down before you go much further.
There have been other good times also. I attended a Thanksgiving party held by members of my church. Despite difficulties hearing due to my illness, it was still very enjoyable and added greatly to an altogether spectacular Thanksgiving weekend. Seeing the family was also fun. Everyone was in good spirits and the dinner was just wonderful. Occasions like that have a way of sticking nicely in your head.
I was also very pleased to have Reverend Chong drop in for a visit one morning. He was a part of the group that I went down to Grand Rapids Michigan with during the Summer for the multiethnic conference. It was great just having him over for a friendly chat in here before heading off to the Dam later that day.
It's Tuesday morning now. I've had a broken but apparently sufficient sleep. Saw the doctor last week and he seems to have hit on something helpful. He suggested I try saline solution sprayed into the nose to clear my stuffiness. Who'd have thunk that salt-water would be as helpful as it's been? Later on this week, I'll be fasting and going in for standard blood work. Everyone says I should lose more than a few pounds. Guess this will be a start. There's also groceries to order and laundry to do. A nicely busy week to help life keep moving along after the breakup. King of Dragon Pass has proved to be every bit as marvellous as I could have hoped. I've already spent hours playing that game. What's more, they're still updating and adding to it. Once some of the rougher aspects of Voiceover access have been polished in the next update, I'll have to try doing a Blindcooltech episode about the game. Meanwhile, I can thoroughly enjoy playing it as I engage in other aspects of life. More blind people are hearing about the game which pleases me no end. I hope the developers are getting lots of feedback.
Doubtless, more has happened over the past while which I have neglected to blog about. It seems a lady who found me on Audioboo is interested in getting to know me further. She goes by the nickname buschic and it seems to be very well earned. She doesn't tend to fit in with the blind community often having different and at times unwelcome opinions. I had a couple of short conversations with her. She seems nice if a little rough around the edges. She seems to be quite interested in me and is thankfully a whole lot closer than Janet was. I could actually see us getting together without going bankrupt. She can certainly carry on a good conversation. Apparently, she considers me cute of all confounded things. The older I get, the less applicable that word seems to me. Given what I've just been through though, whatever happens will take its own time. I've made that pretty clear and she seems alright with that. She'll clearly make for an interesting friend with her radical opinions and justifiable anger considering even the fraction of her experience she has related to me. but whether she fits into the rest of life is a question to be explored slowly and with care. I tend to favour the patient diplomatic approach. She strikes me more as someone who'd charge into a situation and take no prisoners. Somewhat like my good friend Steve Murgaski in that respect. She's apparently spoken briefly to him on some occasions but doesn't know him that well. She makes no secret of her mental issues which at least speaks to her honesty. They're somewhat different than what I've had any experience with. While that at least means things would be different, it still tells me that caution is a good idea. Frankly though, it is damned refreshing to actually have a new lady to even contemplate getting to know. A pretty sharp change of pace from the usual months which stretch on and on between the occasional serious female interest I've experienced. Mustn't let it go to my head. Ah well. Life continues. I'll be off to the Dam pretty soon. Had a delicious brunch which turned out perfectly. No egg on the counter this time. I find that I very much look forward to finding out what the topic for the week's forum discussion after the dropin will be. So far, I've managed to contribute a little to the discussions. It at least makes me feel productive at the end of the day. Hopefully, the dropin will be more eventful for me than the last one was. More people seem to be coming which has raised the noise level considerably. Think I'll take my full set of gear including my portable speakers. If I'm going to be sitting around for hours, I may as well have the ghost of a chance of hearing what my netbook says in there. Who knows? Maybe, some of these new youngsters will have a bit of healthy curiosity. I can hope.
This is the first time that I've been the one to break off a relationship. Both Rebecca and Janene decided that they no longer wished to be with me. I can't say that it's a very enjoyable experience being a dumper. One has to face some pretty ugly truths about the limits of lasting worldly love. I thought myself capable of living happily with pretty much anybody who truly loved and respected me. That just isn't the case though. Whoever I end up with simply has to have good conversation and communication skills and also share some similar interests or there just isn't going to be enough common experience to keep things going. She took it remarkably well. I think she had the sense that things had changed. For all my intelligence, I had absolutely no inkling that Janene was about to ditch me like she did that Easter Monday which feels like forever ago now. It looks like Janet and I will remain friends while each of us looks for a relationship to pursue hopefully somewhat closer to home as well as to the kind of partner we're each best suited for. Because she's approached her life in much the same manner in terms of values, she has built up a real place for herself in her community much as I've at last begun to here. She has become a very welcome, reliable and needed friend to many people there. It just doesn't feel right asking her to step away from all that before life circumstances otherwise force her to move on. This is particularly true in the case of her best friend Lori. Janet adds tremendously to the scope and possibilities of her life. She's quite a bit more child-like than Janet in terms of mental capability and must also come to terms with losing her sight. In both her and Janet's case, I find it far too easy to take a kind of friendly stance which veered dangerously toward the more fatherly stance Gandalf had towards the hobbits. Perhaps, that's what Janet wants or even needs in a partner. That's for her to determine. For me, it's very important that I'm with a lady who doesn't evoke such feelings. We've got to be equals. Unfortunately, when it comes to intelligence, I'm faced with the reality that most women I'd take an interest in simply wouldn't be interested in me. Most of them anywhere near my age are already spoken for or are hooked too deeply into our society's need for material wealth to even give five minutes to a permanently unemployed guy on an overly ambitious creative quest. While I could now at least offer a safe and secure home to a life partner who's in a similar financial situation to mine, that's all I can bring to the table outside of my own reasonable outlook, optimism, patience, easygoing nature and good character. These assets have certainly gained me a number of good friends and despite everything, I still find myself hopeful of eventually finding someone who proves to be a better fit for me and wants to take things further. There are plenty of other circumstances which place people on ODSP or outside what passes for normal life. Certainly, I've met people with other mental deficiencies whose ability to converse and basic good cheer were unimpaired. However, especially if I'm going to do the long-distance relationship thing again, it's pretty vital that conversations be stimulating and that we have more common ground regarding interests than I did with Janet. Sadly, a similar moral outlook and religion just isn't enough. It sounds so damned shamefully elitist, but it is nonetheless true for me.
I guess I've come away from this knowing more about my own real desires for a life partner as well as my own limitations when it comes to what I'd be willing to settle for. Good conversation is more of a must for me than I thought. Having been dumped twice, I've never really looked at that aspect of myself so clearly before. Like everyone else, I too have hopes and dreams that I'm unwilling to part with. It's an ugly truth to find that someone who you like, respect and admire lacks what your sustained worldly love requires. At last, I believe I can truly better forgive Janene for walking away from our engagement. Was it the prospect of having to earn all the income unless or until I came up with something creative which I could sell? Was it all the art she did which I would never see and could therefore not appreciate? I guess I'll never know. Whatever it was, I now have a greater understanding of the pain she went through even as she utterly devastated me to the point where I nearly attempted suicide. We took things too far to avoid that indescribable pain. Thankfully, due to that distance between Janet and I, neither of us were hurt badly. Both of our lives have been pleasantly added to. I needed and craved that sense of being wanted by a woman as more than a friend, of no longer being alone in life in that way. Through finding Janet, I've come to better appreciate the friends I have who now include her. Paradoxically, despite this experience clearly showing that my range of possibilities for stable life partnership is more constrained by my own requirements than I would have thought, I find that I have more hope of eventually finding a better match. I at least have the fortitude and sense to act if things don't feel right. Janet has proved to me that there actually are women out there who might find me worth exploring possibilities with. I'm not quite in a completely hopeless situation. Realistically though, I know my wait will most likely be a long one. Until a woman who meets my criteria comes along though, I simply have to keep hopeful, happy and patient. I'm also comforted that I haven't become so jaded that I'm completely beyond being swept into something. I'm still human after all. Exploring love's possibilities always comes with a cost. Compared to my last two serious relationships, I've gotten off remarkably lightly this time. I hope Janet eventually finds someone who has the resources and approach to give her a good and happy life companionship. I of all people know well the frustration of being overlooked due to a disability. The temptation to jump at any opportunity for love no matter how unsuitable or likely to last can probably only be understood by people in a similar situation.
For the record, here are my current known criteria for an ideal life partner:
1. She must be able to engage in deep and meaningful conversation. Words and ideas are at the very core of my life and my significant other needs to have the ability to communicate and explore such things at least as much as my friends do. She needs to be able to communicate her thoughts and argue her case well enough so I don't feel in danger of railroading her thinking. I don't care particularly that she have a formal education equivalent to my own. I've frankly met secondary school dropouts who have taught themselves as much or more than some of us with degrees have ever learned about the nature of real life. The desire and capability to explore ideas and discuss rationally are what I'm after here.
2. Over the years, my faith has become more a part of life. I don't think I could entertain the possibility of marrying someone who doesn't share at least a healthy respect for my religious convictions. I'd very much prefer to find someone who would enjoy going to church together as a couple. It's become an important enough part of my own life that I'd like to share it. It should be something which draws us closer rather than separates us. That blocks not only non-Christians who want no part of church, but also blocks the more extreme kinds of Christians who think poorly of all non-believers, reject modern life utterly, frown on anything not mentioned in the bible, jump to idiotic conclusions about modern culture/art, or think the world's nearly at an end and it's about damned time too. I try to find the good in games, movies, music, people, and life in general and want a lady who will enjoy these things with me. It's still not completely outside the realm of possibility that I would come to love and marry someone of a different faith or an agnostic. After all, had Rebecca not fallen in love with me despite my agnosticism at the time, I wouldn't likely be a Christian today. All things being equal though, I would far rather find someone of similar core beliefs.
3. She should fit in well with family and friends. A serious relationship is a package deal. There's no getting around that. I need to find someone who can partake in activities and get along with my family and friends. Someone who feels uncomfortable or begrudges having to go to family functions ought to look elsewhere for companionship. Mine have supported me through a lot of the worst times in my life. I simply won't hook up with someone who has no use or respect for them. While it's still possible that I might be convinced by a partner to move away to somewhere new, I'd really have to be sold on the idea. If we did, my friends would have to be welcome to visit and I'd expect us to go from time to time to visit them as economics and life reasonably permitted. People get into all kinds of trouble when they allow someone else to remove them from their support network and cut them off. I would never do that to a life partner and won't allow that to happen to me.
4. She must be able to respect how I've lived my life. Instead of banging my head on the brick wall barring job access for people with my disability and particular gifts, I've chosen to take advantage of the economic security and place society has offered me. Were the opportunity presented to me, I would cheerfully work for my living. However, despite sustained attempts supported by a government agency, I simply can't find my way into the labour force. I've therefore made my peace with that reality to the best of my ability and chosen to find alternate means for contributing to the good of others while still enjoying life and keeping cheerful. It hasn't been a short or easy journey. Should my circumstances change dramatically, I would absolutely be willing to work in order to support a married life, help keep a business run by a spouse afloat, etc. Under these rules and circumstances, however, I've figured out that I'll end up feeling far happier, contributing more, and feeling more productive doing what I'm doing. Should opportunities come up, I'd cheerfully volunteer three days a week just to be more a part of the community and feel more productive. Just get me there and back safely. If you can't get your head around that and respect my voluntary efforts to contribute to a society which can't see its way to rewarding me financially, you have no business getting serious with me. Respect has to be a two-way thing right from the start. I've got a hard-working family plus a lot of fully employed friends who have managed to make that leap. I'll stand for nothing less from a potential partner. Rebecca had no respect for what I did voluntarily and thought I should do nothing productive or contributive towards society if I wasn't going to get paid for it. I'll never stand for such a situation again. We're not going to last long if you can't see beyond the world of dollars and cents. Even if I at last find a way into the labour force through some miracle or other, I don't plan on turning away from the projects I've started.
5. I've learned what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket. I did that too much with Janene thinking that we'd be starting life together in a new place and everything would therefore be different. I would have gone with her absolutely anywhere and had no reason at all not to fully trust her. My friends and family were ready and committed to supporting her also and were as shocked as I when she suddenly pulled my less lonely future out from beneath me. None of those people have a true sense of what that put me through despite their best intentions and efforts. I intend to make certain that from now on, there's always enough of life not dependent on a relationship that I never go through such a long vicious downward slide again. That was just too painful and doubtless more rough on those closest to me than I fully realize. In other words, there's going to be more to my life than our relationship. Deal with it or get lost.
6. She needs to have a basically optimistic and cheerful appreciation of life and of people in general. Five years is long enough to have spent walking on eggshells and doing damage control. One thing I really admire about Janet was such a positive attitude despite the rejection she has faced in life. It really hurts me to now have to count myself as part of that rejection. However, if she didn't have that basically cheerful good attitude, I never would have explored more serious possibilities with her in the first place. Especially when you live on something like disability support, the benefits of such a fair-minded, level, patient and positive approach to people are incalculable. People who focus all their energy on society's shortcomings and discount their blessings aren't doing any of us any favours. I'm no longer a member of the ODSP Fireside list. It has some very useful information and clear-headded considerate people on it. However, far too many of its members simply spend all their time bitching and complaining. I can't be part of a group stacked so heavily in that direction and refuse utterly to be with a partner who can't find reason for happiness in life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I'm angry and plenty of reasons for anger and bitterness in this crazy world. However, spending all your time angry just pushes people away from you and eats you up inside. I've been as far down that particular road to destruction as I ever want to go. An ideal woman for me must be able to see the bright side of life most of the time.
7. She needs to enjoy touching and physical affection. That's certainly something I want to experience from a lover again in life at some point. I saved it for last because it's only really meaningful after the rest of my criteria have been established and we've built up the appropriate level of trust, respect and genuine love we can have confidence is going to last. I'd rather have no relationship at all than go through another one which simply can't last due to improper construction. I was quite willing to go through the rest of life without sex had the rest of Rebecca and my marriage been at all salvageable. I felt that this was a part of honouring the commitment I had made. Even in marriage, sex should never be considered an absolute right. That kind of intimacy is a precious gift. Personal space should always be respected. However, if you don't appreciate physical affection, you really ought not to fall in love with a blind man to begin with.
That covers the basics pretty well I think. There's certainly a little wiggle room on these but not a whole lot. Due to the happiness I've found here over the past while, I'm strong enough to get out of what isn't working for me. Hopefully, I'm also strong and kindly enough to do so without hurting anybody too badly. I'd really prefer it if my own happiness in a relationship didn't come at someone else's expense. It should be all about building up hope and possibility for each other and for those whose lives intersect ours. Perhaps, in this self-centred world, that makes me too much of an idealist. I've heard it all before. I just can't make myself believe that this is such a fallen world that quantity is the only way to go in the love department. Women are simply worth more respect than that. Even if that weren't the case, our consciences, our very souls are worth infinitely more respect than that. I dearly hope and wish to find a life partner who I can experience stable growing married love with. Not, however, at any cost. For me, there are things I won't stoop to and things I refuse to give up. If that condemns me to singledom from here on out, so be it. Thankfully, God has blessed me with the ability to patiently hope that this isn't the case. I'll keep open to realistic possibilities. I'm making new connections and new friends these days. There's a whole lot more cause for hope than before this Summer.
This Autumn hasn't been devoid of activity either. I've had a remarkable Thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday, I was contacted about a text book for game designers which I had bought and found to be largely inaccessible due to restrictions placed on the pdf file. To my surprise, the author himself contacted me. It was terrific to hear from him. He was very encouraging. Through his efforts, I obtained a copy of the book which I'm able to easily move through and read. Nothing forced him to go to bat for me, a complete stranger. However, he found enough kindness and faith in me to do so. I've plunged into his book a fair way since then and dearly wish it had been one of the first ones I came across. It's great in that it provides a good overall order in which to do things. I've never really had that and will benefit in many ways from his experience and thoughtfulness. Anybody who is seriously planning to design a game would do well to get Fundamentals of Game Design 2nd edition by Ernest Adams. It's geared towards computer and video games but what he says easily applies to other kinds of games including what I'm trying to create. The other very helpful book was one I found on www.audible.com called Reality is Broken Why Games Make us Better and How They can Change the World by Jane McGonigal. The psychological in sites she provides will serve my project quite well also. I have a whole lot to read, learn, and think about over this Winter. I also have a somewhat better sense of the scope of what I'm trying to do. Even the design document and process is going to take at least another year and possibly two. It's so important to get things nailed down before you go much further.
There have been other good times also. I attended a Thanksgiving party held by members of my church. Despite difficulties hearing due to my illness, it was still very enjoyable and added greatly to an altogether spectacular Thanksgiving weekend. Seeing the family was also fun. Everyone was in good spirits and the dinner was just wonderful. Occasions like that have a way of sticking nicely in your head.
I was also very pleased to have Reverend Chong drop in for a visit one morning. He was a part of the group that I went down to Grand Rapids Michigan with during the Summer for the multiethnic conference. It was great just having him over for a friendly chat in here before heading off to the Dam later that day.
It's Tuesday morning now. I've had a broken but apparently sufficient sleep. Saw the doctor last week and he seems to have hit on something helpful. He suggested I try saline solution sprayed into the nose to clear my stuffiness. Who'd have thunk that salt-water would be as helpful as it's been? Later on this week, I'll be fasting and going in for standard blood work. Everyone says I should lose more than a few pounds. Guess this will be a start. There's also groceries to order and laundry to do. A nicely busy week to help life keep moving along after the breakup. King of Dragon Pass has proved to be every bit as marvellous as I could have hoped. I've already spent hours playing that game. What's more, they're still updating and adding to it. Once some of the rougher aspects of Voiceover access have been polished in the next update, I'll have to try doing a Blindcooltech episode about the game. Meanwhile, I can thoroughly enjoy playing it as I engage in other aspects of life. More blind people are hearing about the game which pleases me no end. I hope the developers are getting lots of feedback.
Doubtless, more has happened over the past while which I have neglected to blog about. It seems a lady who found me on Audioboo is interested in getting to know me further. She goes by the nickname buschic and it seems to be very well earned. She doesn't tend to fit in with the blind community often having different and at times unwelcome opinions. I had a couple of short conversations with her. She seems nice if a little rough around the edges. She seems to be quite interested in me and is thankfully a whole lot closer than Janet was. I could actually see us getting together without going bankrupt. She can certainly carry on a good conversation. Apparently, she considers me cute of all confounded things. The older I get, the less applicable that word seems to me. Given what I've just been through though, whatever happens will take its own time. I've made that pretty clear and she seems alright with that. She'll clearly make for an interesting friend with her radical opinions and justifiable anger considering even the fraction of her experience she has related to me. but whether she fits into the rest of life is a question to be explored slowly and with care. I tend to favour the patient diplomatic approach. She strikes me more as someone who'd charge into a situation and take no prisoners. Somewhat like my good friend Steve Murgaski in that respect. She's apparently spoken briefly to him on some occasions but doesn't know him that well. She makes no secret of her mental issues which at least speaks to her honesty. They're somewhat different than what I've had any experience with. While that at least means things would be different, it still tells me that caution is a good idea. Frankly though, it is damned refreshing to actually have a new lady to even contemplate getting to know. A pretty sharp change of pace from the usual months which stretch on and on between the occasional serious female interest I've experienced. Mustn't let it go to my head. Ah well. Life continues. I'll be off to the Dam pretty soon. Had a delicious brunch which turned out perfectly. No egg on the counter this time. I find that I very much look forward to finding out what the topic for the week's forum discussion after the dropin will be. So far, I've managed to contribute a little to the discussions. It at least makes me feel productive at the end of the day. Hopefully, the dropin will be more eventful for me than the last one was. More people seem to be coming which has raised the noise level considerably. Think I'll take my full set of gear including my portable speakers. If I'm going to be sitting around for hours, I may as well have the ghost of a chance of hearing what my netbook says in there. Who knows? Maybe, some of these new youngsters will have a bit of healthy curiosity. I can hope.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Drifting into Autumn
Hello everyone. I've been happily busy this past while. Lately, my sense of blogger's guilt is telling me that it's way past time for another entry. There's a lot to cover including a few events which could well have had their own blog entries had I gotten around to writing them. Summer is firmly behind now as I start writing this entry on the last day of September. The leaves are all over the ground now on the path around the lake. I know because I went to vote this morning with Shirley. She voted earlier but didn't mind taking me for a walk over. I hadn't realized that the advanced poling station was right in the community centre I walk past when going to the mall and the Dam. This time, I had my voting card and it was simplicity itself. No long lineups or anything. I've officially done my civic duty. Guess we'll see what befalls this fine province on Thursday evening, election day.
For the past while, I've been plagued by an annoying cough/cold. I thought it was allergy-related for quite a while but no longer believe that to be the case. A lot of other people are coughing away too so I guess something's going round and my number came up. I'm just glad I got to enjoy the rest of the Summer this time. Such a splendid remarkable Summer. There are times in your life when you really turn a kind of corner and know that the past while has changed your outlook permanently for the better. This Summer has really shown me that I have far more reason to be thankful, scope for engagement with others in my community, and more hope for social satisfaction in this world of frightfully busy people than I could have imagined before. As I wrote in an article just published in my church's newsletter, I've at last truly found home.
It's Sunday morning now. I've been awake through a whole lot more of it than I would have preferred. However, I'm feeling very good just now other than the somewhat degraded hearing this illness now seems bent on throwing at me. Not nearly so bad as last Summer's illness. Breakfast went far more smoothly today than it did yesterday. A nice muffin and some fresh pineapple proved far less troublesome than the eggs I spilled yesterday. It ought to be a pretty good Sunday. There's church, the Mosen Explosion, and probably a visit with the family later on.
I guess there's a whole lot of past weeks to cover. I intended to do a blog entry a whole lot sooner than this. The first major thing I should write something about was my Aunt Kay's 90th birthday party. That already seems like ages ago. There was quite a bit of driving to Sea forth and then Stratford. We first had a pleasant afternoon with Kay's friends and relatives who attended. It was good to chat with some of Kay's friends who I hadn't met before, and it's always nice to see the folks who have been an intermittent but integral part of my life for about as long as I can remember. I wish we weren't all so spread out. Aunt Kay seemed to enjoy the afternoon thoroughly. There were something like sixty people in attendance. At times like that, you get a real sense of just how wide and positive the impact of a life well lived can be. We then proceeded to Stratford where we enjoyed a catered dinner at the Queen's Arms Inn. The food was terrific. After dinner, some of us gave short speeches. I took a stab at it and quit before I got too emotional. The core of what I said bares repeating here. If there's one thing I'll always treasure that I've learned from Aunt Kay, it's a deep appreciation for rarely encountered often old things. She probably still has that wonderful room in her house where a child of pretty much any age would find some quaint old toy or game which they'd never have come across anywhere else in life. You never got the sense that the possibilities of finding something else of interest on a future visit had been exhausted. Through my writing and other efforts, I hope to pass on that sense of appreciation and wonder that so much of this generation seems to have lost. Even costly video games are now mainly designed to be won and then disposed of rather than kept and cherished. Not so in Aunt Kay's day. Not so for me either. I want people to hang onto my creations be they writing or game. I owe no small part of that resistance to the use it and lose it consumerism plaguing modern life to Aunt Kay and that room of wonders.
It was great seeing Neil and Cathy again. They don't visit that often at all so spending time with them was a lot of fun. After they left, my next big trip was out to Canada's Wonderland with a few friends I hadn't seen in pretty much a year. It was great to be back in the park again. Perhaps, I'll get a season's pass next year. I seem to know enough people who go there often that it would easily pay for itself over a summer. Even better was just catching up with the happenings in the lives of Shane, Crissie and Angel. We just hit it off like we did when they lived nearby and had a very good day together. Sadly, Shane must now deal with the reality of Crones disease which my mother has. He's just starting to blog about what he's been going through. I hope he finds that to be as helpful and therapeutic an outlet as I've found blogging to be. Check it out at:
http://tsholock.blogspot.com/
I've also reconnected with Angela and Tony. Angela came out a couple of times, once to have lunch with Michelle, Gerry and I. She came a second time a week later so that I could update her Trekker Breeze for her. It's all up to snuff now with the latest software and maps. Nobody ever told her she should register it with Humanware to be notified of updates. I cringe at idiocy like that. Same goes for how Jerry didn't get an SMA with his Jaws purchase. If anybody needs things to be easy and up to date, it's someone like him. He doesn't have the technical skill to deal with the adversity he's going to needlessly have to over the next four years until he can get an upgrade. That presumes those who deal with him don't take advantage of his ignorance as has clearly happened this time. He's stuck with version 11 and should have been able to upgrade to 13 like Michelle and I will be. Michelle has the ongoing problem of her visual capability not being understood by people who deal with her. She has to bend very close to the monitor to see it and often can't see things like buttons in the middle of the screen. She notices a lot with her sight around a room or outdoors but this doesn't mean she can when things are close up and small. It's not that she isn't trying. She simply often can't. I've been surprised by what she's able to notice at times so I have a dim understanding of how other people might reach the unfortunate conclusion that too many have for her. I couldn't help her as much as I would have hoped this week when I went to see them. All I could do was take her to the place where she could change colour and font. I just have no direct experience and only a dim theoretical grasp of what these things are. I can see both sides of the coin as usual. It's understandable if regrettable that trainers will lose patience trying to help her and Gerry. It takes them longer to grasp technical concepts and such. Poor Gerry actually ended up frustrated with the phone as he tried to call Swiss Chalet to order our dinner. He really seems caught in a world which has moved beyond him technologically but he's doing quite well considering his late introduction to computers. It's just going to take longer for him to really start grasping stuff well. Too long for trainers busy making a buck to do much more than write him off after a certain point. How much collective wisdom is forever lost to society through the impatience of others?
Back from church now. That was a great service as usual although my illness robbed me of my accustomed ability to hear easily. My article got published in the church newsletter and a few people commented favourably on it to me. I enjoyed a light lunch and am now awaiting the start of the Mosen Explosion on
www.mushroomfm.com
I just read an article by my good friend Adam Taylor. He's studying to become a journalist and got published in his college's newspaper. Check out his article at:
http://sheridansunonline.sheridanc.on.ca/business_ads.html
Looks like he's started a nifty blog also for gamers. Have to keep an ear on that. Check that out at:
http://adambladetaylor.blogspot.com/
Life has somewhat settled down now for me. I don't expect any major outings over the next while. That'll be good for my bank balance. Even these more empty days seem to be going past at quite a clip. I've read some good books including The Rule of Nine which was a very well-written thriller. I've also re-read the Moon Maze Game which is just terrific and well worth the waiting for. I'm about due for another Audible credit and am debating which book to choose next. I may go for World War Z despite it being abridged in the spirit of Halloween. However, there are quite a number of titles on my wish list including Ready Player 1. That one sounds very interesting and comes highly recommended by Dani Hood, a former neighbour and current friend. There are also a couple of game development related books. Now that work on Enchantment's Twilight is on the move again, they also present some temptation. Robert J. Sawyer also tugs at my heartstrings as I'm sorely tempted to get the WWW trilogy over the next few months. So many choices. If there's a sale as there sometimes is, there's always a chance that a book I'm interested in will be included in it. However, I can't count on that and must make my monthly choice accordingly. As my budget improves and recovers from Summer, I'll have more freedom of action but that's how things are for now. Rather than being put out, I see it as only fair that things tighten up for a bit. It all comes down to perspective and I seem to have well and truly found my equilibrium.
Looks like I'll be joining my parents for dinner at Kim and Ernie's tonight. It's always good to catch up with them. Saw the three nieces last week. They're all doing alright despite dealing with colds. School is going well for both Ava and Amia. Little Alleah won't be ready to join the educational system for some time yet but she's a cute grabby spunky little one for all that. I'm glad Neil and Cathy got to see them while they were here.
As offline life slows down a tad, my online existence is becoming more interesting. One of my Twitter followers, Julie Einarson, participated in the Sears Run which raised funds for research into curing Cancer. Apparently, she did quite well and her team came in second. Tom Ward just announced that he's doing a small Halloween game as a kind of break from ongoing work on Mysteries of the Ancients. Thank God people have proved more understanding than past experience gave me any cause to hope they would. So far, no flame war or harsh backlash against Tom for daring to take a short creative break and switch gears for a bit. Hope it does him some real good to make something unhindered by the desires and hopes of the blind gaming community. He's been hemmed in for so very long by trying to do a good deed. Team FM has been very successful in its launch and I'm tuning into a couple of their shows. Mainly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the Bear's Lair on Saturdays. That in itself has been wonderful to have back. Lulu plays some terrific stuff and that whole community Twitter interactive thing just makes an otherwise empty Saturday feel special. It's nice to know that weekends this Winter will have two events, the Mosen Explosion on Mushroom FM plus the Bear's Lair on Team FM, which will be points of contact with communities of listeners. There's also Cathyanne's Soothing Sounds and Erin Edger's Melting Pot, shows I catch on a semi-regular basis. Pretty soon, King of Dragon Pass will at long last be accessible to me via the iPHONE. I have every confidence that this game will keep me spellbound for hours of stimulating story-driven play. That's a very good thing as I'll be saving any extra cash for the whole Christmas thing as well as any social opportunities which might come my way. Podcasts are going to become more welcome things in life. I have tons of Spark episodes to catch up on among a great many other things in that department. I have, however, enjoyed a number of From Our Own Correspondents episodes over the past while during less active times. It's positively delightful and unbelievable how far out of my digital world this past Summer has taken me. The whole tambour of life has well and truly changed.
Janet and I have been chatting on Skype most evenings. It's damned good to have someone to do that again with who really seems to love me. I can't help but be drawn in by her simplicity and obvious affection. However, when you get right down to it, all we've done is talk and email each other. The whole question of how well the chemistry will work outside of Lake Joseph's special environment still remains to be answered and doubtless will for some time. Having a friend like Carine to talk with is helpful. Like me, she's in a long-distance relationship and must deal with some of the same issues. This includes the same tendency to analyze things to death. Will we find each other to be stimulating when together on our own continuously or simply find that things run out of steam? We operate on two very different mental levels. Janet has a very simplistic way of approaching things including faith. God will provide. It's a foregone conclusion for her as reliable and all-encompassing as the sunrise. With intellect comes a knowledge of how things work which precludes such easy refuge. I'm forever weighing and pondering, wrestling with the very essence and consequences of what I believe. As with my faith, so too it is with the rest of life. Particularly when it comes to my hopes for life-long female companionship, I'm probably altogether too mindful of the consequence of choosing wrongly. I get a strong sense that we would both be useful additions to each other's social circles. However, while I was listening to some fantasy book or lecture, would she take an interest or simply be bored to death? Would we listen to radio shows or podcasts and have meaningful talks about them, or would that simply be an ideal I'd do better to let go of? I can sort of see myself getting into some of the mystery and crime shows which fascinate her but am never going to be enthralled by comedies, campfire singalongs or other things which amuse her. There would certainly be compensations in terms of the freedom of action her sight would provide us. Also, while I'm apt to get mired in detail and counter-argument, she's the type of kind soul who's apt to come up with one of those breath-taking "why didn't I think of that?"-style conclusions. She doesn't say what she doesn't mean. There's no ambiguity. I would always know precisely where I stood with her. Ability-wise, each of us can nicely fill a lack experienced by the other. That could either lead to a kind of stability or not. Eventually, we'll doubtless manage to visit each other and really find out where things might go. Until then, I take comfort in my new lovely lady at a distance and explore what ground Skype makes possible. Our road to togetherness will be a very long one. For me, it'll be full of weighty questions which only time together will answer but which I can't help but wrestle with anyhow. I don't ever want her to feel belittled or inferior to me if she can't immediately grasp things or can't get into things which interest me. She has, in many ways, surpassed me in how she has approached things and/or dealt with her limitations. It's not at all the same as having someone to go on dates and start experiencing life with. Hopefully, the distance between us will prove to be a means of building a solid foundation of understanding upon which love can grow. For the present, having Janet to talk with and write to is a whole lot better than the big zero relationship wise. It's so damned nice to finally have a possibility for long-term companionship to at least explore with someone who takes the possibility seriously.
It's Monday afternoon now. Dinner with the Perins was delicious and entertaining as always. Their computer needed quite a cleaning as they hadn't really known to attend to that over the past years they've owned it. I trust that they'll notice quite a speed boost now that a disc cleanup and defrag have been done. I seem to be doing a lot of basic computer maintenance for people these days who either don't have the time or inclination to learn to do it themselves. I can relate to that. There are certainly things, particularly fashion-related, that I could doubtless grasp more firmly but simply aren't worth my bother. There's that palpable sense that Fall has arrived and with it, a bustle of activity you never quite feel in Summer no matter how full of adventure it is.
Carine called unexpectedly this morning. She and Kevin have been pretty busy lately, as have I. It was good to go for a walk around the lake with her dog Breeze and my Trekker Breeze GPS. We went off to Symposium where I had the breakfast of champions. That'll pretty much be my meal for the day. Kevin and Carine want to take me tubing this Winter. Carine also seems to like hiking. Haven't had a whole lot of opportunity to do either of those things in quite a while. It's great to have people who think of me when they're considering doing something and have them be so close to where I live. It'll be fun including them in some of my gatherings also.
Apples have definitely made their way back into my list of liked fruits. They're a nice change from oranges this time of year. Dad says oranges are to his liking just now so I may get some with my next grocery order in a couple weeks or so. I have a Fall coupon book which I intend to get some use out of. The coupons are five dollars savings plus one for ten. That doesn't really justify doing an extra order what with the delivery fee but I'll still save at least fifteen or twenty just sticking to my natural schedule. They do a good job of reminding you when codes are about to expire. I appreciate thoughtfulness like that. When it comes to customer service, Grocery Gateway truly has its act together. Wouldn't mind if the bills were lower, but would mind extremely if they ever went out of business.
It's been a pleasant afternoon and is now well into evening. The wind has now passed well in to the realm of chilly. Time to close the balcony door for the night. People will be coming to check on and perhaps repair the balcony railing tomorrow so I've moved the table into a corner and the chairs inside. I've never gotten to meet and talk with the folks who do that kind of work. That could be interesting. I wonder what tools they might carry or whether they leave everything in a truck until they perceive an apartment which needs their attention. There are so many things like that which I guess are just obvious to sighted folk but that I've never gotten round to finding out. The railing certainly seems just as safe and solid to me as it ever has. Do they use some special equipment to examine them and how well they're set into the concrete of the balconies? Also, what possible insights might such a career lend itself to? They see the inner sanctums and visible possessions of so many people. What do they actually think of it all? What impact might it have on their sense of place and accomplishment in life? I think of people like Franc Snape, who I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite our not being related. You can read a bit about him in the previous blog entry. There are so many different approaches to wisdom and depth of character.
At last, I learned today what Julie sounds like. She's the lady I mentioned earlier who's running in the Great Canadian Run for Cancer soon. I finally got to hear a Youtube clip of her speaking. For quite a while now, I've known what two thirds of the Twitter triangle[twiangle?] of Dani, Jacqui and Julie sound like. Dani was a neighbour of my parents and I and still comes over on some occasions. Jacqui is Dani's friend who I've also had the pleasure to meet and talk with over the years. The most memorable thing I've done with them so far was eat at O'Noir when they wanted to experience eating in the dark. That seems so damned long ago. So much has happened to me, them, and Stephen since that evening. Now, I can have some sense of how all three members of the twiangle would sound saying what they tweet to each other. It's one of those things, like putting that last dish back in the cupboard, which imparts a disproportionate degree of satisfaction. Sort of like having a matching set of stuff. My impression of Julie as an interesting and caring person hasn't changed at all for finally having heard her. We might never actually meet as is the case with so many of my online acquaintances. It's just a tiny bit of curiosity put to rest.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be leading the Forum discussion at the Dam. My previous experience explaining to students and others about life as a blind person will hopefully stand me in good stead for this. I hope I can keep them interested and pass something of what life has taught me on to them. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to make some real headway with whoever ends up staying around for the discussion and pizza. It's been on my mind most of the day. Thank God for Twitter and other seemingly trivial stuff of life. As the author says in Stranger Than Fiction, that seemingly trivial stuff does a whole lot to save our lives. It saves us from taking ourselves too seriously, from becoming too obsessed for our own good with what we're about. It can give us that small speck of distance we need to stumble across what our most intensely focused careful thinking can never find. Mostly though, it saves us from the crushing weight of time we cannot more profitably use. I was going to publish this entry today, but believe that I'll hold off. Tomorrow's forum is a pretty important first stab at youth leadership for me and you all deserve to know how it turns out.
It's now Tuesday evening. I'm back safe and sound. It's been a pretty good day. The balcony workers were extremely quick. They walked through, hammered a few times on the railing or something out there, and then left. Couldn't really chat with them but got to chat briefly with the building superintend ant. He seemed somewhat surprised that I was cooking despite it's being lunch time. The Apple press event was unfortunately less than informative regarding IOS5. The only real piece of info I learned before having to leave for the Dam was that IOS5 is going to come out on October 12. That ought to be interesting.
The Trekker performed beautifully today on the way to the Dam. My hearing, however, was somewhat problematic. This time, it was that lack of the clear crisp hearing of my surroundings which got me turned around heading accidentally back towards my apartment until the Breeze announced familiar landmarks which clued me in. That added five minutes to my otherwise excellent walk over there. Crossing the street was a tad more nerve-wracking. One car was quiet enough and moving slowly so I didn't realize it was anywhere near until it was very close indeed. The driver was obviously well aware of me. It seemed almost criminal after the forum to accept a lift back home but given that hearing difficulty, I figured discretion might be the better part of valour this evening.
My first forum was quite a success and turned out very differently than I had planned for. It ended up being about getting to know me. I shared some antic dotes and basic information about how I approach things as a blind person. I think it'll make it easier for them to approach me with their issues during the drop in. Robin seemed to think that it was quite a success and everyone was interested all the way through. They want me to lead another forum later on where I tackle the rest of what I planned to do in this forum.
The rest of this week will be pleasantly busy for me. I'll be going to Symposium Cafe on Thursday to have lunch with Michelle and Angela. Michelle's computer seems to be working better for her but I've no clear idea what happened to accomplish that. Face book is still a bit more difficult but seems to be manageable for her. It'll also be interesting to find out how Angela likes her Trekker now that it's all updated. I'll have to read up on entering addresses into the Breeze so I can explain that better. I haven't used that feature a whole lot but it would come in pretty handy for Angela. I guess tomorrow and Friday will be when I do laundry and other odds and ends. Thursday is also election day and I'll certainly be tuned into CBC Radio1 for their coverage that evening. At some point, I'll have to catch a full length news broadcast and get caught up with that. What with all the happenings and tech stuff, I guess I've let my grip on world events slip a tad. Rather than finding that annoying, I find it a welcome indicator of just how much things have changed for me over this past while. It's high time I got this entry published. I'll be Skyping Janet and her friend Lori fairly soon once I've gotten a nice cold drink. Until next time, my good readers all.
For the past while, I've been plagued by an annoying cough/cold. I thought it was allergy-related for quite a while but no longer believe that to be the case. A lot of other people are coughing away too so I guess something's going round and my number came up. I'm just glad I got to enjoy the rest of the Summer this time. Such a splendid remarkable Summer. There are times in your life when you really turn a kind of corner and know that the past while has changed your outlook permanently for the better. This Summer has really shown me that I have far more reason to be thankful, scope for engagement with others in my community, and more hope for social satisfaction in this world of frightfully busy people than I could have imagined before. As I wrote in an article just published in my church's newsletter, I've at last truly found home.
It's Sunday morning now. I've been awake through a whole lot more of it than I would have preferred. However, I'm feeling very good just now other than the somewhat degraded hearing this illness now seems bent on throwing at me. Not nearly so bad as last Summer's illness. Breakfast went far more smoothly today than it did yesterday. A nice muffin and some fresh pineapple proved far less troublesome than the eggs I spilled yesterday. It ought to be a pretty good Sunday. There's church, the Mosen Explosion, and probably a visit with the family later on.
I guess there's a whole lot of past weeks to cover. I intended to do a blog entry a whole lot sooner than this. The first major thing I should write something about was my Aunt Kay's 90th birthday party. That already seems like ages ago. There was quite a bit of driving to Sea forth and then Stratford. We first had a pleasant afternoon with Kay's friends and relatives who attended. It was good to chat with some of Kay's friends who I hadn't met before, and it's always nice to see the folks who have been an intermittent but integral part of my life for about as long as I can remember. I wish we weren't all so spread out. Aunt Kay seemed to enjoy the afternoon thoroughly. There were something like sixty people in attendance. At times like that, you get a real sense of just how wide and positive the impact of a life well lived can be. We then proceeded to Stratford where we enjoyed a catered dinner at the Queen's Arms Inn. The food was terrific. After dinner, some of us gave short speeches. I took a stab at it and quit before I got too emotional. The core of what I said bares repeating here. If there's one thing I'll always treasure that I've learned from Aunt Kay, it's a deep appreciation for rarely encountered often old things. She probably still has that wonderful room in her house where a child of pretty much any age would find some quaint old toy or game which they'd never have come across anywhere else in life. You never got the sense that the possibilities of finding something else of interest on a future visit had been exhausted. Through my writing and other efforts, I hope to pass on that sense of appreciation and wonder that so much of this generation seems to have lost. Even costly video games are now mainly designed to be won and then disposed of rather than kept and cherished. Not so in Aunt Kay's day. Not so for me either. I want people to hang onto my creations be they writing or game. I owe no small part of that resistance to the use it and lose it consumerism plaguing modern life to Aunt Kay and that room of wonders.
It was great seeing Neil and Cathy again. They don't visit that often at all so spending time with them was a lot of fun. After they left, my next big trip was out to Canada's Wonderland with a few friends I hadn't seen in pretty much a year. It was great to be back in the park again. Perhaps, I'll get a season's pass next year. I seem to know enough people who go there often that it would easily pay for itself over a summer. Even better was just catching up with the happenings in the lives of Shane, Crissie and Angel. We just hit it off like we did when they lived nearby and had a very good day together. Sadly, Shane must now deal with the reality of Crones disease which my mother has. He's just starting to blog about what he's been going through. I hope he finds that to be as helpful and therapeutic an outlet as I've found blogging to be. Check it out at:
http://tsholock.blogspot.com/
I've also reconnected with Angela and Tony. Angela came out a couple of times, once to have lunch with Michelle, Gerry and I. She came a second time a week later so that I could update her Trekker Breeze for her. It's all up to snuff now with the latest software and maps. Nobody ever told her she should register it with Humanware to be notified of updates. I cringe at idiocy like that. Same goes for how Jerry didn't get an SMA with his Jaws purchase. If anybody needs things to be easy and up to date, it's someone like him. He doesn't have the technical skill to deal with the adversity he's going to needlessly have to over the next four years until he can get an upgrade. That presumes those who deal with him don't take advantage of his ignorance as has clearly happened this time. He's stuck with version 11 and should have been able to upgrade to 13 like Michelle and I will be. Michelle has the ongoing problem of her visual capability not being understood by people who deal with her. She has to bend very close to the monitor to see it and often can't see things like buttons in the middle of the screen. She notices a lot with her sight around a room or outdoors but this doesn't mean she can when things are close up and small. It's not that she isn't trying. She simply often can't. I've been surprised by what she's able to notice at times so I have a dim understanding of how other people might reach the unfortunate conclusion that too many have for her. I couldn't help her as much as I would have hoped this week when I went to see them. All I could do was take her to the place where she could change colour and font. I just have no direct experience and only a dim theoretical grasp of what these things are. I can see both sides of the coin as usual. It's understandable if regrettable that trainers will lose patience trying to help her and Gerry. It takes them longer to grasp technical concepts and such. Poor Gerry actually ended up frustrated with the phone as he tried to call Swiss Chalet to order our dinner. He really seems caught in a world which has moved beyond him technologically but he's doing quite well considering his late introduction to computers. It's just going to take longer for him to really start grasping stuff well. Too long for trainers busy making a buck to do much more than write him off after a certain point. How much collective wisdom is forever lost to society through the impatience of others?
Back from church now. That was a great service as usual although my illness robbed me of my accustomed ability to hear easily. My article got published in the church newsletter and a few people commented favourably on it to me. I enjoyed a light lunch and am now awaiting the start of the Mosen Explosion on
www.mushroomfm.com
I just read an article by my good friend Adam Taylor. He's studying to become a journalist and got published in his college's newspaper. Check out his article at:
http://sheridansunonline.sheridanc.on.ca/business_ads.html
Looks like he's started a nifty blog also for gamers. Have to keep an ear on that. Check that out at:
http://adambladetaylor.blogspot.com/
Life has somewhat settled down now for me. I don't expect any major outings over the next while. That'll be good for my bank balance. Even these more empty days seem to be going past at quite a clip. I've read some good books including The Rule of Nine which was a very well-written thriller. I've also re-read the Moon Maze Game which is just terrific and well worth the waiting for. I'm about due for another Audible credit and am debating which book to choose next. I may go for World War Z despite it being abridged in the spirit of Halloween. However, there are quite a number of titles on my wish list including Ready Player 1. That one sounds very interesting and comes highly recommended by Dani Hood, a former neighbour and current friend. There are also a couple of game development related books. Now that work on Enchantment's Twilight is on the move again, they also present some temptation. Robert J. Sawyer also tugs at my heartstrings as I'm sorely tempted to get the WWW trilogy over the next few months. So many choices. If there's a sale as there sometimes is, there's always a chance that a book I'm interested in will be included in it. However, I can't count on that and must make my monthly choice accordingly. As my budget improves and recovers from Summer, I'll have more freedom of action but that's how things are for now. Rather than being put out, I see it as only fair that things tighten up for a bit. It all comes down to perspective and I seem to have well and truly found my equilibrium.
Looks like I'll be joining my parents for dinner at Kim and Ernie's tonight. It's always good to catch up with them. Saw the three nieces last week. They're all doing alright despite dealing with colds. School is going well for both Ava and Amia. Little Alleah won't be ready to join the educational system for some time yet but she's a cute grabby spunky little one for all that. I'm glad Neil and Cathy got to see them while they were here.
As offline life slows down a tad, my online existence is becoming more interesting. One of my Twitter followers, Julie Einarson, participated in the Sears Run which raised funds for research into curing Cancer. Apparently, she did quite well and her team came in second. Tom Ward just announced that he's doing a small Halloween game as a kind of break from ongoing work on Mysteries of the Ancients. Thank God people have proved more understanding than past experience gave me any cause to hope they would. So far, no flame war or harsh backlash against Tom for daring to take a short creative break and switch gears for a bit. Hope it does him some real good to make something unhindered by the desires and hopes of the blind gaming community. He's been hemmed in for so very long by trying to do a good deed. Team FM has been very successful in its launch and I'm tuning into a couple of their shows. Mainly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the Bear's Lair on Saturdays. That in itself has been wonderful to have back. Lulu plays some terrific stuff and that whole community Twitter interactive thing just makes an otherwise empty Saturday feel special. It's nice to know that weekends this Winter will have two events, the Mosen Explosion on Mushroom FM plus the Bear's Lair on Team FM, which will be points of contact with communities of listeners. There's also Cathyanne's Soothing Sounds and Erin Edger's Melting Pot, shows I catch on a semi-regular basis. Pretty soon, King of Dragon Pass will at long last be accessible to me via the iPHONE. I have every confidence that this game will keep me spellbound for hours of stimulating story-driven play. That's a very good thing as I'll be saving any extra cash for the whole Christmas thing as well as any social opportunities which might come my way. Podcasts are going to become more welcome things in life. I have tons of Spark episodes to catch up on among a great many other things in that department. I have, however, enjoyed a number of From Our Own Correspondents episodes over the past while during less active times. It's positively delightful and unbelievable how far out of my digital world this past Summer has taken me. The whole tambour of life has well and truly changed.
Janet and I have been chatting on Skype most evenings. It's damned good to have someone to do that again with who really seems to love me. I can't help but be drawn in by her simplicity and obvious affection. However, when you get right down to it, all we've done is talk and email each other. The whole question of how well the chemistry will work outside of Lake Joseph's special environment still remains to be answered and doubtless will for some time. Having a friend like Carine to talk with is helpful. Like me, she's in a long-distance relationship and must deal with some of the same issues. This includes the same tendency to analyze things to death. Will we find each other to be stimulating when together on our own continuously or simply find that things run out of steam? We operate on two very different mental levels. Janet has a very simplistic way of approaching things including faith. God will provide. It's a foregone conclusion for her as reliable and all-encompassing as the sunrise. With intellect comes a knowledge of how things work which precludes such easy refuge. I'm forever weighing and pondering, wrestling with the very essence and consequences of what I believe. As with my faith, so too it is with the rest of life. Particularly when it comes to my hopes for life-long female companionship, I'm probably altogether too mindful of the consequence of choosing wrongly. I get a strong sense that we would both be useful additions to each other's social circles. However, while I was listening to some fantasy book or lecture, would she take an interest or simply be bored to death? Would we listen to radio shows or podcasts and have meaningful talks about them, or would that simply be an ideal I'd do better to let go of? I can sort of see myself getting into some of the mystery and crime shows which fascinate her but am never going to be enthralled by comedies, campfire singalongs or other things which amuse her. There would certainly be compensations in terms of the freedom of action her sight would provide us. Also, while I'm apt to get mired in detail and counter-argument, she's the type of kind soul who's apt to come up with one of those breath-taking "why didn't I think of that?"-style conclusions. She doesn't say what she doesn't mean. There's no ambiguity. I would always know precisely where I stood with her. Ability-wise, each of us can nicely fill a lack experienced by the other. That could either lead to a kind of stability or not. Eventually, we'll doubtless manage to visit each other and really find out where things might go. Until then, I take comfort in my new lovely lady at a distance and explore what ground Skype makes possible. Our road to togetherness will be a very long one. For me, it'll be full of weighty questions which only time together will answer but which I can't help but wrestle with anyhow. I don't ever want her to feel belittled or inferior to me if she can't immediately grasp things or can't get into things which interest me. She has, in many ways, surpassed me in how she has approached things and/or dealt with her limitations. It's not at all the same as having someone to go on dates and start experiencing life with. Hopefully, the distance between us will prove to be a means of building a solid foundation of understanding upon which love can grow. For the present, having Janet to talk with and write to is a whole lot better than the big zero relationship wise. It's so damned nice to finally have a possibility for long-term companionship to at least explore with someone who takes the possibility seriously.
It's Monday afternoon now. Dinner with the Perins was delicious and entertaining as always. Their computer needed quite a cleaning as they hadn't really known to attend to that over the past years they've owned it. I trust that they'll notice quite a speed boost now that a disc cleanup and defrag have been done. I seem to be doing a lot of basic computer maintenance for people these days who either don't have the time or inclination to learn to do it themselves. I can relate to that. There are certainly things, particularly fashion-related, that I could doubtless grasp more firmly but simply aren't worth my bother. There's that palpable sense that Fall has arrived and with it, a bustle of activity you never quite feel in Summer no matter how full of adventure it is.
Carine called unexpectedly this morning. She and Kevin have been pretty busy lately, as have I. It was good to go for a walk around the lake with her dog Breeze and my Trekker Breeze GPS. We went off to Symposium where I had the breakfast of champions. That'll pretty much be my meal for the day. Kevin and Carine want to take me tubing this Winter. Carine also seems to like hiking. Haven't had a whole lot of opportunity to do either of those things in quite a while. It's great to have people who think of me when they're considering doing something and have them be so close to where I live. It'll be fun including them in some of my gatherings also.
Apples have definitely made their way back into my list of liked fruits. They're a nice change from oranges this time of year. Dad says oranges are to his liking just now so I may get some with my next grocery order in a couple weeks or so. I have a Fall coupon book which I intend to get some use out of. The coupons are five dollars savings plus one for ten. That doesn't really justify doing an extra order what with the delivery fee but I'll still save at least fifteen or twenty just sticking to my natural schedule. They do a good job of reminding you when codes are about to expire. I appreciate thoughtfulness like that. When it comes to customer service, Grocery Gateway truly has its act together. Wouldn't mind if the bills were lower, but would mind extremely if they ever went out of business.
It's been a pleasant afternoon and is now well into evening. The wind has now passed well in to the realm of chilly. Time to close the balcony door for the night. People will be coming to check on and perhaps repair the balcony railing tomorrow so I've moved the table into a corner and the chairs inside. I've never gotten to meet and talk with the folks who do that kind of work. That could be interesting. I wonder what tools they might carry or whether they leave everything in a truck until they perceive an apartment which needs their attention. There are so many things like that which I guess are just obvious to sighted folk but that I've never gotten round to finding out. The railing certainly seems just as safe and solid to me as it ever has. Do they use some special equipment to examine them and how well they're set into the concrete of the balconies? Also, what possible insights might such a career lend itself to? They see the inner sanctums and visible possessions of so many people. What do they actually think of it all? What impact might it have on their sense of place and accomplishment in life? I think of people like Franc Snape, who I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite our not being related. You can read a bit about him in the previous blog entry. There are so many different approaches to wisdom and depth of character.
At last, I learned today what Julie sounds like. She's the lady I mentioned earlier who's running in the Great Canadian Run for Cancer soon. I finally got to hear a Youtube clip of her speaking. For quite a while now, I've known what two thirds of the Twitter triangle[twiangle?] of Dani, Jacqui and Julie sound like. Dani was a neighbour of my parents and I and still comes over on some occasions. Jacqui is Dani's friend who I've also had the pleasure to meet and talk with over the years. The most memorable thing I've done with them so far was eat at O'Noir when they wanted to experience eating in the dark. That seems so damned long ago. So much has happened to me, them, and Stephen since that evening. Now, I can have some sense of how all three members of the twiangle would sound saying what they tweet to each other. It's one of those things, like putting that last dish back in the cupboard, which imparts a disproportionate degree of satisfaction. Sort of like having a matching set of stuff. My impression of Julie as an interesting and caring person hasn't changed at all for finally having heard her. We might never actually meet as is the case with so many of my online acquaintances. It's just a tiny bit of curiosity put to rest.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be leading the Forum discussion at the Dam. My previous experience explaining to students and others about life as a blind person will hopefully stand me in good stead for this. I hope I can keep them interested and pass something of what life has taught me on to them. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to make some real headway with whoever ends up staying around for the discussion and pizza. It's been on my mind most of the day. Thank God for Twitter and other seemingly trivial stuff of life. As the author says in Stranger Than Fiction, that seemingly trivial stuff does a whole lot to save our lives. It saves us from taking ourselves too seriously, from becoming too obsessed for our own good with what we're about. It can give us that small speck of distance we need to stumble across what our most intensely focused careful thinking can never find. Mostly though, it saves us from the crushing weight of time we cannot more profitably use. I was going to publish this entry today, but believe that I'll hold off. Tomorrow's forum is a pretty important first stab at youth leadership for me and you all deserve to know how it turns out.
It's now Tuesday evening. I'm back safe and sound. It's been a pretty good day. The balcony workers were extremely quick. They walked through, hammered a few times on the railing or something out there, and then left. Couldn't really chat with them but got to chat briefly with the building superintend ant. He seemed somewhat surprised that I was cooking despite it's being lunch time. The Apple press event was unfortunately less than informative regarding IOS5. The only real piece of info I learned before having to leave for the Dam was that IOS5 is going to come out on October 12. That ought to be interesting.
The Trekker performed beautifully today on the way to the Dam. My hearing, however, was somewhat problematic. This time, it was that lack of the clear crisp hearing of my surroundings which got me turned around heading accidentally back towards my apartment until the Breeze announced familiar landmarks which clued me in. That added five minutes to my otherwise excellent walk over there. Crossing the street was a tad more nerve-wracking. One car was quiet enough and moving slowly so I didn't realize it was anywhere near until it was very close indeed. The driver was obviously well aware of me. It seemed almost criminal after the forum to accept a lift back home but given that hearing difficulty, I figured discretion might be the better part of valour this evening.
My first forum was quite a success and turned out very differently than I had planned for. It ended up being about getting to know me. I shared some antic dotes and basic information about how I approach things as a blind person. I think it'll make it easier for them to approach me with their issues during the drop in. Robin seemed to think that it was quite a success and everyone was interested all the way through. They want me to lead another forum later on where I tackle the rest of what I planned to do in this forum.
The rest of this week will be pleasantly busy for me. I'll be going to Symposium Cafe on Thursday to have lunch with Michelle and Angela. Michelle's computer seems to be working better for her but I've no clear idea what happened to accomplish that. Face book is still a bit more difficult but seems to be manageable for her. It'll also be interesting to find out how Angela likes her Trekker now that it's all updated. I'll have to read up on entering addresses into the Breeze so I can explain that better. I haven't used that feature a whole lot but it would come in pretty handy for Angela. I guess tomorrow and Friday will be when I do laundry and other odds and ends. Thursday is also election day and I'll certainly be tuned into CBC Radio1 for their coverage that evening. At some point, I'll have to catch a full length news broadcast and get caught up with that. What with all the happenings and tech stuff, I guess I've let my grip on world events slip a tad. Rather than finding that annoying, I find it a welcome indicator of just how much things have changed for me over this past while. It's high time I got this entry published. I'll be Skyping Janet and her friend Lori fairly soon once I've gotten a nice cold drink. Until next time, my good readers all.
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