Saturday, April 18, 2009

Taking Stock

Hello, everyone. It's Saturday afternoon. Although still bitterly disappointed at Janene's decision to end our engagement, I believe I've regained the bulk of my equalibrium. My sleeping will take a while to get back to true normal but I've been in far worse shape in that department. Poor Ron was extremely tired Thursday when I came to see him. The afternoon was somewhat lackluster. However, dinner with Mark and James was quite excellent. Those two managed to move the evening along very nicely indeed. Ron slept through the TV we watched despite the excellent company. His friends know him well enough not to hold that against him. The next day, Ron was in far better shape. We had an excellent time. I treeted him to lunch and introduced him to a few audio dramas including the Sherlock Holmes series.

Mark was quite surprised that Janene broke up with me. He remembered how appreciative she had been that I didn't judge her on her appearance and saw her for who she was as a person. Finding somebody else who'll do that shouldn't be too much trouble for her when she's truly ready to commit to a marriage. She works hard and is a very conscientious person. That must display itself visually somehow. I just hope she eventually stops holding slights from the past in her mind and bringing up things already apologised for as ammunition. She may indeed forgive people for their ill-spoken words but she doesn't let you forget them. That's a kind of unhealthy mental weight which causes a great deal of damage; a kind which does indeed make a bad impression with me. Letting things go is a very necessary part of the art of forgiveness as much for one's own peace of mind as it is for those of us who occasionally do and say hurtful things. One should absolutely confront people who have caused pain with their misdeeds. However, there has to come a point of letting things lie firmly in the past.

Will I ever be able to start over with Janene as a friend? That's likely to remain an open question for some time. How things ended was just so arbitrary. She just dropped me like a rotten egg right when there would have been time to work on the relationship. Perhaps, after I've either found somebody new who has no problem with my reacquainting with an ex lover or I at last find myself in a different life situation, things will look different on that score. Right now, she's the woman I was prepared to start and share a whole new life with and step out of my safety zone for only to find that I wasn't ultimately worth more than friendship after all. She's a very loyal and good friend and it seems so wasteful not to take her up on her offer. However, I invested too much hope, trust, and love in what we could have had together. I'd always be thinking of love lost. Part of the hesitation also stems from the unhealthy relationships I've observed in the blind community between exes where people just haven't completely seemed to let go and move on. However, it seems to be the thing to do in the sighted world these days. Perhaps, it's yet another bit of my old-fashioned stoginess which I'll eventually just get past.

Thankfully, breaking up an engagement does indeed seem to be different than ending a marriage. I don't feel that same sense of utter failure and paralisis which plagued the months following the end of my marriage to Rebecca. Single life has taken me up into its clutches again. Instead of resenting having nothing to do on a Saturday, I'm glad of a time to reflect and take stock. While I don't for a moment believe Janene correct when she said that I sell myself too short, there are definitely one or two areas where I'll aim for a better fit when I resume the hunt for someone to share my life with. I've already covered the holding a grudge thing. I don't have a lot of patience for rehashing old slights. Another area has to do with my love of listening to audio material such as audio dramas. Very early on in our relationship, it became clear that Janene just wasn't all that interested in those. She would always rather watch TV with my parents even when it completely bored me. There's so much I would loved to have shared and discussed with her. As much as I want to journey more into the sighted world with someone special, I also want to feel that my audatory world adds meaningfully to her life over a longer term. The only other major question has to do with the amount of stress and/or change in life. I consider myself fortunate to be broken off with because she wants time to live as a single rather than because of somebody else or a serious issue with me. Ron has gone through that pain and I certainly don't envy him one bit. Regardeless, I would just as soon not go through that kind of raw pain of having a relationship broken off again if I can help it. It might fade to manageable levels more quickly but it's still damnably sharp and takes a toll. A substantial part of my overall optimism and trust has been worn away by this experience. Although I still very much feel that marriage is my best and most fulfiling way forward in life, I don't know how many more times I can go through this kind of break-up before just calling it a day and resigning myself to making the best of being single for life.

Financially, I've come out of this quite well. I've just put some of the money I had been saving for the wedding towards taking advantage of a fantastic sale for Systemaccess. Basically, for around $299 US, I get a screen-reader licensed for two computers plus a flashdrive. I have to get a new flashdrive having apparently lost my 8-gig one somewhere. However, I'll be able to plug that into any Windows computer and it'll come up talking. If I ever decide to get a Braille display, it can handle that too. Best of all, it will be updated free for life. I never have to pay for an SMA again. Depending on how well these folks keep their screen-reader updated, I may never need to bother with ADP again. I'll just be able to purchase a computer like anybody else and get it talking. I'll keep my current Jaws version around for the games and other things which Systemaccess can't deal with as well. One of said things is Winamp. It's certainly useable but Jaws's scripts offer a lot more functionality there. Still, I'm already starting to get used to the differences.

My folks are off babysitting in Hamilton tonight so I'm going to grab a TV dinner and eat it while listening to some news in a while. Looking at the Lake Jo schedule for this Summer, I see a few possibilities for a week away. This week, I'll give them a call and see what's actually still available. The digital recorder hasn't arrived yet. However, it's been paid for and should be on the way. It'll be good to get started on this audio documentary idea soon. Making certain that ODSP and other folks have my new phone number before I lose the one I currently use is another top priority for this week. After the 22nd, I'll just have the cell phone. I still find it hard to conceive of my desk without a regular phone on it. All this change. I just wish I had more of a sense that it was leading me somewhere new. Intelectually, I know that it will eventually. I'll learn a whole lot over the next while working on this project. However, the main thrust of it has well and truly been pulled out from under me like a rug. I just have to keep believing that all this will put me right where God wants me to be so that I can do the most good.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Sorry to read about the engagement, seems rather an inadequate thing to say, but I am sorry.